I’m not sure if anyone knows how much I truly miss my son.
Just to be clear, I have three kids. I love each of them. And each differently. But this is about little man.
While I don’t know how much my older two remember about when they were super young, I know that I missed big chunks of time living a couple hours down the road from them. And it was hard. It was like there were two different lives going on at the same time - sometimes they converged and sometimes they didn’t.
Both of them are in their 20s now and I’m thankful that they’re both close by and I get pretty frequent snapshots of what’s going on with them, either in person or through phone calls and texts. Sometimes of big ass tattoos that have mysteriously appeared on my daughter’s body!
On the other hand, I choose not to say too much about how I feel about little man, the distance. The disconnect.
I talk to him every day. And we get to have conversations on FaceTime about Legos and movies and Chris Pratt (who he adores) and the adventures that he’s going on out on the West Coast.
I love to hear about his life.
And I fucking miss him.
Every. Single. Day.
I choose not to wallow in it regularly, but tonight I’m wallowing. I’m sad and emotional about it. Torn up actually.
Does he know how important he is? I don’t know. And I won’t swim in that sea. I’ll just drown there if I do that. What I can do is keep communicating. Send him a book every once in a while, make sure I remember the important things in his world. Not so much the important things in mine (he’s 9 - he’s living his life). I get to be a part, even if I’m often times apart..
Just over a month ago I got to be part of his crossover ceremony into Weblos. That’s his next scout rank. I’m so thankful he has that organization, even though it’s changed quite a bit from what I remember… And the group of kids that he’s becomes super close to, including their families. I feel like it’s a good, safe place for him.
But it doesn’t replace the fact that there’s 2500 miles between us. And it doesn’t replace the fact that tonight, tearfully, I’m going to bed, knowing that it will be another couple of months before I see him.
I feel like a failure as a dad most days, but days like today, when I’ve already been fighting something all week physically, it’s just shit.
The question I have been asked most often by people I meet when learning about where he lives:
“Isn’t that hard?”
You have no idea.
I’ll say a little prayer for him, my other kids. They are ALL so important to me. I hope the other two know that I hold as much love for them.
And I’ll pray for all those close to me.
And wish upon a star (if I’m even up late enough to see the stars) and hope…
~ Peace
The Burtle
