Hope

I got triggered tonight at a meeting. Wasn’t expecting it and I wasn’t in a bad place, but it was definitely a slap in the face type reminder of the reality of life without hope.

Of the past.

It’s such an easy word to overlook. Hope. But yet it can center our beings to believing there might be something more, there might be something worth pushing through the hard, waiting for the miracle or just waiting for someone to say “hey, do you need to talk?”

What triggered me tonight was the memory of a time when I had no hope. Not even a sliver. I was cursing life, cursing those around me and cursing God. Also, I wasn’t taking responsibility for my own actions, but instead making my drama unfold in front of the world like an actor who just has to be the star of every scene.

And I was dangerous. Not to anyone else, but to myself.

You can’t see hope. You can’t bottle it. You can’t order it on Amazon and you damn well can’t produce it from a dry well.  I had nothing inside me that saw Hope.  I was pretty pathetic in that time actually.

Thankfully, that’s not the present. What I have now is an understanding that I’m not alone. Those hopeless feelings are never gone, but they are remedied daily by a good dose of prayer, people, and hell, just breathing and taking in the world around me.

I can see the beauty. I stop and take a lot of pictures of flowers, birds (when I can catch them), honeybees, butterflies, mountains… You name it, it’s important to me. Because those subtle reminders help me see that life continues on.  That I can breathe - and yes, I have to remind myself as well. (I know there are some of you that think I need to stop saying that damn word to you all the time!!).

Hope also stems from finding something that I truly believe in that is much bigger than myself. God. My higher power loves me and guides me.  Even when I’m drifting around like I feel like I’ve been recently, I know that God is always there.

And once or twice a day I also have a group of crazy, caring human beings that love me and show me that I’m important.  That I belong.

Rainy days, Mondays, sad days, days when the air conditioner goes out and it’s 85° in the house (that was this last weekend), all are easier to manage with a little hope. 

Like I said before, I can’t tell you how to find it. I just think it’s there ready for us when we’re ready. When we’re truly open to it. 

When we’re willing.

One step at a time. 

~ Peace

The Burtle