(upward) mobility

What would happen if your entire life was shattered? If everything that you have worked for, everything you thought you were doing that was good, that was honorable - that was the right thing was gone? Shattered? 

What would you do if you lost the ability to simply walk? 

The two relate.

In all of our running around, I think sometimes we forget that we only have 2 feet. I know that I am definitely guilty of spending more money on shoes than any other clothing item. I want them to be comfortable, functional, and something that I like to wear. And I want to protect my feet! I only get two!!

So what if you lost that ability to move? What if your legs stopped moving? What if you woke one morning and you were stuck? What happens when we lose the ability to be mobile? 

I have a dear lady who just recently has gone through just that. Shattered hip and now will be facing quite a bit of a recovery time. I haven’t talked to them, because she and her husband are older and I knew to give them space for the moment. What does life hold when you have to stop?

Five years ago I had to stop. Not because I couldn’t walk, well in a lot of ways I couldn’t walk, but I was more emotionally/spiritually paralyzed. What happens when we can’t move anymore? What happens when everything that we’ve been pushing for is just a vapor and we’re left standing there scratching our heads, or worse we’re left broken and beaten found laying on the floor? By the way, that broken part is exactly where I ended up.

One step, two steps, 15 steps, sit down and rest. I told my group this morning that when I first got clean that I couldn’t even get outside. I didn’t know how to emotionally or physically take the 15 steps to get out the door. In the midst I had a dear man tell me to just make it to the door and walk outside and breathe. I didn’t have to go down the steps and I didn’t have to go around the block and I didn’t have to do anything else other than just take those few steps. I did, and it was torture. Because at that point I might as well have had a broken leg or a fractured meniscus. I was broken and beaten and I just didn’t know how.

Thankfully, there were people who came along and helped me to learn that. To learn how to move, even breathe. The thing is, it is about movement. We have to keep moving. Our life isn’t meant to be stagnant, and even sitting still and meditating is a form of moving our mind and moving our emotional or spiritual muscles. 

I’m praying for my friends recovery. That she and her husband can walk through this with as little trouble as possible. But I know it will be hard. 

I also pray for those who have simply lost the ability to move. And I mean that in all the ways; physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. 

Our upward mobility might also come from something much bigger… Faith in a moment or truly trusting and believing that there is a bigger power moving us through this cosmos, that our little presence is still important in the bigger scheme of things. 

If you’re stuck, maybe stop for a moment - I mean, you’re stuck, it’s not like you’re going anywhere. I bet there’s someone around you who might be there if you look.  I know that I found those voices when I was least expecting them. At just the right time. And maybe you might realize that this big Father figure in the sky is right there beside you.  Encouraging you on.

Our mobility only takes one breath, one moment, one step at a time.

~ Peace

The Burtle 

*prayers for Sharon and Jim. Love you both!!

Death to Life

It’s funny how we live our days, we trudge through adversity, we laugh through the silly, we look at those around us and yet we don’t see the hurt that many carry.

We converse, we tell stories, we work side-by-side, but do we really know? Do we really know what’s going on inside those around us? Those closest to us, possibly standing right beside?

It’s hard to know someone’s heart. It’s hard to know the things that drive them and the things that are tearing them apart inside. Often times we never know until it’s too late. What if we could show them that in the struggle with death, the struggle with the dark that there is light? There is hope. That there is life! 

I went on a 20 year journey. And in that 20 years I produced a lot of hurt, made a lot of mistakes, and every day I had this terrible feeling that I wasn’t enough. Shame and bitterness were tearing me apart. Every day I wanted to not be here.

And then one day I did. In one radical moment I was asked a simple question, and I responded with words I had never heard from inside my spirit or inside my head. 

“I want to live.

I just don’t know how.”

A 20 year journey that led to life.

And on the precipice of another anniversary, I hope that anyone who’s listening might realize that you’re not alone. I shared parts of my story with someone tonight, parts I haven’t shared before with them. Because they needed to know. I wanted them to understand.

2020, in the days leading up to me saying those words, I was in a tailspin of self-destruction that I was sure would lead me to the end. Having just been released from the hospital yet again, I was going to be successful this time. I was going to finally be free.

The question… “What do you want Chad?” led to the realization that there might be hope. That the journey wasn’t coming to an end, it was taking a right hand turn that would change every aspect of my life.

In the last five years there have only been a handful of times that I’ve even had an inkling of a thought of the darkness. The emptiness that is there came from a lifting of the shroud that I thought would never go away. Any heaviness that I feel now is nothing compared to the years of trying to carry the heavy burden myself.

I choose life. Every single day. And even when it’s too cold in my drafty house, or it’s just a little too much to face the happy people in the God-box, when I miss my kids more than I know how to express, I do know that I get to do this thing! I choose to do this thing! Life.

If you are struggling with thoughts of exiting this life, I ask you to take just a moment and realize that it does suck, it does feel like the world is going to come to an end, it does want to kick your ass every fucking day, but it’s not. It doesn’t have to. There is hope.  If you’re hiding hurts, find a place to share. There’s so much more out there.

Maybe in opening up and sharing the hard, there’s a lifting of the spirit. For me, it took a faith in something much greater than myself to come away from a life of depression, drugs, and depravity.

And just to be honest, I believe in God. I’m so thankful for that still, soft voice that asked me a question.

One I answered from a deeper place than I have ever known, where my spirit was just crying out to be.

To just be…

Still.

~ Peace

The Burtle

Facing Death

We all face death. There is no alternative.

Some people fear it, other people ignore it and some play with fire a little too much and get really close to the edge with it. 

Regardless, it is a reality. There is no freezer chamber where we can go be with Walt Disney and Ted Williams (if they really are frozen). 

The thing about death is it gives us the chance to look a little deeper at Life. Hopefully it allows us to stop and look back at the person who has gone on and reflect upon their life, and maybe even reflect upon our own. 

What choices have we made? What decisions do we regret, what things do we wish we had done differently? Where did we succeed, where did we miss a connection and where did we just fail? 

According to your beliefs death can be the end, it can be the beginning, it can be entering into nothingness. That’s not the debate here. I’ve got my own thoughts on that and they do align with life after, but right now it’s about this moment. 

How do we face it now? When it’s right in front of us, how do we face the loss of a life? Do we grieve, do we struggle? Do we break down and cry? Do we do nothing at all? Because we just don’t know what to do. 

There’s no right way to face death. There is only the ability to know we can get up tomorrow morning and we can do our day and hope that we’re adding to this life. Adding to our own life but even more than that maybe we’re adding to others. That the cumulative whole of us adding more positive in this world will give back. Give back to our own lives, but also give to those who might not understand that there’s more. There is more than just the 9 to 5 and there is more than just working till Friday. Maybe there’s something bigger to believe and that we might find if we just open our hearts and our minds to what’s out there.

When I get to the end, I hope it will be said that I was a man of Faith and a good man. Possibly even a combination of Mark Twain and Rhett Butler!

What will your life say at the end? What if we took the time to think about that now, today? What would you change? What would you do differently?

~ Peace

The Burtle