Only Drew Holcomb

The record plays, not that we use Records anymore. The album spins on and on in my mind. 

“She was a good companion 

eyes like the Grand Canyon

She was 

an American beauty…”

It’s been with me since 2018. It’s a constant. And I know he’s just an artist with his group; it was just a night at one of the most famous theaters in our country. But it’s magic. It’s mystery.  All mixed into one glorious ride that has been such a part of my story.

Then he came out with an album called Dragons. 

“Take a few chances 

a few worthy romances 

go swimming in the ocean 

on New Year’s Day. 

Don’t listen to the critics 

stand up and bear witness 

go slay all the dragons that stand in your way”

In 2019, as I was starting the downward spiral in Portland, Oregon, it was that album and especially that song that helped me breathe. You might say it kept me alive until I got back to Atlanta and then truly bottomed. But it got me home. To a place where at least I had some footing. Even if it was tenuous at best. 

I share his music with just about anyone who I run across. I wouldn’t call it simple, but it’s not so complex that you can’t understand it. In fact, he did a TED talk where he talked about his mother making him promise he would always make sure the lyrics could be understood. I get that. When I write I want it to be something that people can understand. Maybe get a little glimpse of me in the process.

As I’m sitting here preparing for my second opportunity to see him live, I’m sad. The first time I saw him was in Charlotte, North Carolina and it was with someone I loved. Truly loved. It’s hard to top that. Things went sideways and I’ve never been able to explain to that person why.  I wish I could magically place some understanding there. 

This next concert, well it’s on fucking Valentine’s Day in Atlanta. What the hell?! I’m gonna go. But it’s probably only gonna be Drew Holcomb who accompanies me. I’ve danced this dance. I’ve sung that song. I am tired. And I think I may just need to go alone. 

Not because I don’t want someone in the seat beside me, but because I’m just tired of always telling my story. Always trying to help people understand who I am. I’m really not that complicated. Fucked up from the past, yes. But it’s not that hard to understand. I’ve lived a life and I’m still here. And I’m grateful for this Life!

So Drew, I’ll see you in a couple of weeks. Actually just under a month. 

Thank you for giving me hope at a time when I didn’t have much. Thank you for giving my heart a rhythm when I didn’t know it could beat anymore. And thank you for giving me your music to listen to - to do life to, whether it be joyous apprehension or all full of ‘feels’ while shedding a lonely tear. 

~ Peace

The Burtle 

Lyrics, Lamentations & Love Songs*

 https://lyricslamentations.blogspot.com/

A new place to read some of my poems and other daily ramblings.

~ Peace

The Burtle 

Boundless Possibilities

Life brings us boundless possibilities. Like a butterfly fluttering from this place to that, there are so many choices at our disposal, so many opportunities, so many adventures to take, trails to wander on…

So many things.

Some of them lead to destruction, some of them will lead us to life. Truth is, a lot of that is up to us. There’s chance and there’s circumstance, but we do make most of the decisions that lead us down the paths that we travel. 

Sometimes it’s just a chance meeting… 

The problem is often we are so bound by our past, so bound by our hurts that we can’t even look at the possibilities that are right in front of our face. I was told that to find healthy, you need to be healthy. That to have better opportunities you needed to be in a place where you can take hold of those opportunities, because they attract each other. Not saying that you have to be perfect, because damn, I’m not! But we have to be moving forward. Even if moving forward often seems like a snail chasing after an inchworm! 

There are so many gifts that we can give this season, but one of the biggest gifts we can give ourselves might be to sit down and unwrap all the tinsel and wrappings, the ribbon and open up and let go of what binds you. 

That might lead to some serious possibilities.

And I know this may seem scary. Opening up a box of our past and hurts isn’t easy. I’m not trying to make it seem like you can just sit down and fix everything. But to keep those things boxed up starts to eat us up inside. It becomes a weight, an anchor that binds us.

I do understand. I’m still working on myself every day. Let me know if I can help, because I’ve been there (Hell, I’m often times still there!). Oh, and if you really want help, I can tell you about a man who was born around this time… He came to change the world. And regardless of your religious slant, he’s been talked about for over two thousand years. Maybe there’s something to that?! 

~ Peace

The Burtle

4

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference”

I’ve heard and said that prayer easily over 1000 times now. Simple guidance toward peace.

Tomorrow is four years. If you know me, you know what that means. And I’m very, very thankful. There are so many verses in scripture that describe getting out of the muck and the mire, or him lifting you and putting you on a rock, all those things…  Quite simply, He saved my ass. And my soul!

If you asked me four years ago what was important, I think the list would look so much different than it does today.  No, I know it would. 

The list today:

Safety, security, serenity, hell, even sanity! 

Before then I had none of those. Everything was a mess. Every day. 

I was a mess.

And honestly, I’m still a mess… Ask my sponsor (bless his heart!), my adopted mom, ask those who really know me. But it’s a fun mess… One that actually cares about what’s coming next and wants to do the best he can in this life. For me… Not for anyone else. 

I’m so blessed to be here breathing!!

I still have struggles, and I still have a whole lot of just ‘life’. I’m going to be working on that for the rest of my life. This last weekend has been no exception to that. Highs and lows that are part of this journey. Some moments of true joy and also a moment when I cried my eyes out to my sponsor on the phone.

I’m thankful I get to do that! Work on me and try to be loving and kind of those around me. AND to be loving and kind to myself. That took a long time to understand! (Still a struggle if I’m honest)

So if you know me, thank you for being part of this. Because I COULD NOT DO THIS without all of you. I thought about doing a list of everyone who’s been a part, but it’s just a mountain of people that God has placed in my path.

Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

For being part of this journey…

One day at a time.

~ Peace

The Burtle

Hero

I’ve probably spent too much time in my past reading, studying and thinking about the Hero’s Journey. Something Joseph Campbell put together in his books about society and culture from history, myths to science fiction to real life. There’s a hero’s journey that most of us go on, some more epic than others, but there is this quest that takes us through our darkest parts into the light. Luke Skywalker, Jesus, Moses, and so many of the fables from our past. Most action and adventure movies have a version of this (think Thor in Avengers:Endgame)

I know I’ve written blogs before about my own journey, but that isn’t my focus right now. The truth is, sometimes our Hero is that person who’s just there all the time.

My nine-year-old son was asked to write a 5 to 6 sentence paragraph to explain who his hero was. I was excited when he told me that was the topic for the week. 

“Who did you write about?”

“I chose my mom.”

And for a fleeting moment my heart sunk. I think every father wants to think their son considers them their hero.

It hurt. Really hurt.

But the truth? He picked the right person. I’m not her biggest fan, but if I look at the situation from outside of my own emotions, even with all of our past, which there’s a lot, she has been the constant in his life, and I thank her for being a good mom.

I could easily be bitter, and of course I’m a little hurt. But I’m thankful to have the relationship I do have with him. Because four years ago I squandered that away. I didn’t care. About him or about myself. About anything.

Every day I thank God for my kids, this life, my sobriety. Yes, I’m sober (4 years in 7 days). And it gave me back time with my kids that I would not have had otherwise. My hero gave…

As for my 9 year old - 

He Didn’t pick me. 

But I pick him.

And I love him everyday.

~ Peace

The Burtle

Finding Nemo, well actually just Finding Ourselves

Ever been lost in the woods? Deep, dark forest with no reprieve of moonlight or star shine.

It gets pretty damn cold and damp - like soul sucking dark there.  It can be a scary place.

Sometimes that’s where my soul wants to roam off to.  I don’t always know why, but it does.  Maybe it’s my past calling to distract the healthier man I’ve become.  Who knows?

Being lost sucks.  There is a searching to find ourselves. No matter where we are there’s a moment when we realize that we’re lost, that we’ve become someone else.  Some stranger - possibly like Mike Meyers or Jason Voorhees (hopefully not QUITE like those characters!).  

We need to look down, look around and start seeing the person who we really are inside. It may be a long journey or maybe something that comes rather quickly. But we get to do this. We get to find ourselves (who we truly are), what makes us tick, makes us smile and also what makes us cry. Then we get to put all those things together in one beautiful package that’s really not about the outward looks, but what’s inside… 

And that’s where the glow comes from. It does show on our outside, but it starts with that little spark inside our heart.

And in that searching, in that finding we’ll start finding more of the light.

Let your TRUE LIGHT SHINE!

~ Peace 

The Burtle

Thanks RC for the words and thoughts!

Parable of the Hole

There was a man who had a hole. Not quite like a well, not a cave. But a big empty space that sat beside him. 

He spent his days pouring into this hole; his life, his affections, his energy, his finances, his desires, his life. 

Yet, no matter how much he poured into the hole, it would not be filled. It continued to seem as deep and as dark as it was at the beginning. 

He would spend his days working and toiling - striving to fill the hole with accomplishments and success.

At night he would throw his debauchery and desires into that same hole, always expecting it to rise to the top. Awakening each morning, he would find the whole empty and as cold and desolate as the day before.

He found love and threw it into the hole as well. With all the true intentions of someone who thought he found the answer. He poured his heart and his soul into the hole. He stood peering beside the hole with the person he thought would fill it and waited. 

The hole remained.

At one point, feeling broken and betrayed, he threw himself into the hole. Surely this sacrifice would fill the void. Lost in the darkness, he thought he would succumb and the hole would disappear with him.

It did not. 

And he did not. 

Lonely, tired and weary, he prayed.

How do I fill this hole?

A voice said, “you fill it with love. And you fill it with me.”

Soon after the man found others who had also sat beside a hole. He opened up his heart and instead of trying to fill the hole, he started to fill others. He gave and he tried to listen, he learned and he started to walk. Instead of focusing on the gaping hole beside him he focused on the world around him and others along the path.

Slowly, not noticing it from this new direction, his whole began to fill.

Not with self-seeking or anything he had done, but in finding hope.

Together now with others along the path, seeding love and patience where there had been loneliness and loss, his emptiness is filled.

~ Peace

The Burtle