the Maelstrom

Oh I’ve been there.  In the recent past, and even 20 years ago…  I know what a storm looks like.  Steel grey skies and looming thunder, just waiting to rain down on us.  I know when it’s time to get on my knees, be still and pray.  Because there’s nothing that’s going to take away the storm and sometimes just like ‘going on a bear hunt’, you gotta go through it.

Years of avoidance, time wasted, tears shed without any understanding of why I was even crying.  Because I was sitting in the storm.  Funny thing is looking back, those that I blamed for the trouble that I went through or the circumstances that I was always pointing towards, they weren’t the storm.  I was.

Regardless of what any other person, place or thing did, it’s my crap.  I had to own my side of the street.  Now, I don’t need to bend over and take it in the ass, but I do need to be real about the fact that I typically have had a place in building the storm.  Whether it be by my own actions or often times more through my own inactions.

Storms are real -

Hurricanes, Tornadoes, Twisters, Maelstrom sized things that we go through in life.  And if you’ve never gone through a storm, you scare me more than I used to scare myself… Because how can you have a life without some junk?  It’s to own the messes we’ve had that shapes us - breaks us and then rebuilds us.  What we need to know is that we’re not alone in this. That when the storm happens, there’s a lifeboat.  Sometimes it comes in the shape of faith, it can come in the shape of friends, family and it can even come in the shape of self-love. When we finally realize and embrace that; that it’s ok to love my ‘self’.  Wow!  Damn, it took me a long time to get there.  I was 48 the first time I spoke those words.  

“I love me.”

That may sound irrational, but you don’t know my whole story.  It was easy to make myself ugly even when I wasn’t.  Because shame and guilt lived so rent-free in my head that they often times took over any logical or even spiritual thought.

Something I still struggle with is bashing myself. But I seem to be getting better at it.  I’m on a long walk tonight and I realize that physically I haven’t been as active the last several days, so I bash myself.  But honestly, the sky is turning to night, I can hear the cicadas in the nature area where I typically walk, and even the noise of the cars in the community around is beautiful. 

Instead of judging myself for what I’ve not done, I’m on my feet, moving through the community that I live in.  That’s pretty incredible.   Years ago I would’ve sat inside, blinds shut and lights turned off just trying to sink further into the sofa and disappear.  Sinking in and trying to avoid the storms...

I know there are people around me enduring storms right now.  You know what, I can’t wish them to go away.  What I am going to wish and pray for is that you find inner peace; God, the guiding light that lets you know that the storm will eventually pass.  When I first started using ‘Burtle’ at the end of my blogs people asked me what it meant.  It’s a buffalo and a turtle.  The buffalo is one of the few animals that when the storm comes they push through the storm, not running away or cowering. And the turtle, well if you’ve met me you know sometimes I need to just slow it down a little bit.

So as you face your storms, know that you’re not alone.  There are people around.  For me, there’s always God.  And that’s a pretty special relationship that I’ve learned just doesn’t go away.  Even when I spat at him years ago, even when I denied him, there is this huge loving father who just says ‘I’m here’.

He wrapped his arms around me and he just held me tight. He helped me through my worst storms, even when I didn’t want to make it through them. And he was there on the other side. 

It seems that I always cry when I write these, because it’s just so incredibly cool that there’s something bigger out there.  And if you don’t believe in God or a higher power, that’s okay.  This is my journey, you have to find yours.  But I wish you peace; if you’re traveling through a storm or when the next one brews.  Because just like the sun is going to rise, things are gonna happen in life.  

So get your umbrella (I don’t personally own one - they scare me!!), your rain boots, and face the storm.

~ Peace

The Burtle