(upward) mobility

What would happen if your entire life was shattered? If everything that you have worked for, everything you thought you were doing that was good, that was honorable - that was the right thing was gone? Shattered? 

What would you do if you lost the ability to simply walk? 

The two relate.

In all of our running around, I think sometimes we forget that we only have 2 feet. I know that I am definitely guilty of spending more money on shoes than any other clothing item. I want them to be comfortable, functional, and something that I like to wear. And I want to protect my feet! I only get two!!

So what if you lost that ability to move? What if your legs stopped moving? What if you woke one morning and you were stuck? What happens when we lose the ability to be mobile? 

I have a dear lady who just recently has gone through just that. Shattered hip and now will be facing quite a bit of a recovery time. I haven’t talked to them, because she and her husband are older and I knew to give them space for the moment. What does life hold when you have to stop?

Five years ago I had to stop. Not because I couldn’t walk, well in a lot of ways I couldn’t walk, but I was more emotionally/spiritually paralyzed. What happens when we can’t move anymore? What happens when everything that we’ve been pushing for is just a vapor and we’re left standing there scratching our heads, or worse we’re left broken and beaten found laying on the floor? By the way, that broken part is exactly where I ended up.

One step, two steps, 15 steps, sit down and rest. I told my group this morning that when I first got clean that I couldn’t even get outside. I didn’t know how to emotionally or physically take the 15 steps to get out the door. In the midst I had a dear man tell me to just make it to the door and walk outside and breathe. I didn’t have to go down the steps and I didn’t have to go around the block and I didn’t have to do anything else other than just take those few steps. I did, and it was torture. Because at that point I might as well have had a broken leg or a fractured meniscus. I was broken and beaten and I just didn’t know how.

Thankfully, there were people who came along and helped me to learn that. To learn how to move, even breathe. The thing is, it is about movement. We have to keep moving. Our life isn’t meant to be stagnant, and even sitting still and meditating is a form of moving our mind and moving our emotional or spiritual muscles. 

I’m praying for my friends recovery. That she and her husband can walk through this with as little trouble as possible. But I know it will be hard. 

I also pray for those who have simply lost the ability to move. And I mean that in all the ways; physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. 

Our upward mobility might also come from something much bigger… Faith in a moment or truly trusting and believing that there is a bigger power moving us through this cosmos, that our little presence is still important in the bigger scheme of things. 

If you’re stuck, maybe stop for a moment - I mean, you’re stuck, it’s not like you’re going anywhere. I bet there’s someone around you who might be there if you look.  I know that I found those voices when I was least expecting them. At just the right time. And maybe you might realize that this big Father figure in the sky is right there beside you.  Encouraging you on.

Our mobility only takes one breath, one moment, one step at a time.

~ Peace

The Burtle 

*prayers for Sharon and Jim. Love you both!!

Death to Life

It’s funny how we live our days, we trudge through adversity, we laugh through the silly, we look at those around us and yet we don’t see the hurt that many carry.

We converse, we tell stories, we work side-by-side, but do we really know? Do we really know what’s going on inside those around us? Those closest to us, possibly standing right beside?

It’s hard to know someone’s heart. It’s hard to know the things that drive them and the things that are tearing them apart inside. Often times we never know until it’s too late. What if we could show them that in the struggle with death, the struggle with the dark that there is light? There is hope. That there is life! 

I went on a 20 year journey. And in that 20 years I produced a lot of hurt, made a lot of mistakes, and every day I had this terrible feeling that I wasn’t enough. Shame and bitterness were tearing me apart. Every day I wanted to not be here.

And then one day I did. In one radical moment I was asked a simple question, and I responded with words I had never heard from inside my spirit or inside my head. 

“I want to live.

I just don’t know how.”

A 20 year journey that led to life.

And on the precipice of another anniversary, I hope that anyone who’s listening might realize that you’re not alone. I shared parts of my story with someone tonight, parts I haven’t shared before with them. Because they needed to know. I wanted them to understand.

2020, in the days leading up to me saying those words, I was in a tailspin of self-destruction that I was sure would lead me to the end. Having just been released from the hospital yet again, I was going to be successful this time. I was going to finally be free.

The question… “What do you want Chad?” led to the realization that there might be hope. That the journey wasn’t coming to an end, it was taking a right hand turn that would change every aspect of my life.

In the last five years there have only been a handful of times that I’ve even had an inkling of a thought of the darkness. The emptiness that is there came from a lifting of the shroud that I thought would never go away. Any heaviness that I feel now is nothing compared to the years of trying to carry the heavy burden myself.

I choose life. Every single day. And even when it’s too cold in my drafty house, or it’s just a little too much to face the happy people in the God-box, when I miss my kids more than I know how to express, I do know that I get to do this thing! I choose to do this thing! Life.

If you are struggling with thoughts of exiting this life, I ask you to take just a moment and realize that it does suck, it does feel like the world is going to come to an end, it does want to kick your ass every fucking day, but it’s not. It doesn’t have to. There is hope.  If you’re hiding hurts, find a place to share. There’s so much more out there.

Maybe in opening up and sharing the hard, there’s a lifting of the spirit. For me, it took a faith in something much greater than myself to come away from a life of depression, drugs, and depravity.

And just to be honest, I believe in God. I’m so thankful for that still, soft voice that asked me a question.

One I answered from a deeper place than I have ever known, where my spirit was just crying out to be.

To just be…

Still.

~ Peace

The Burtle

Facing Death

We all face death. There is no alternative.

Some people fear it, other people ignore it and some play with fire a little too much and get really close to the edge with it. 

Regardless, it is a reality. There is no freezer chamber where we can go be with Walt Disney and Ted Williams (if they really are frozen). 

The thing about death is it gives us the chance to look a little deeper at Life. Hopefully it allows us to stop and look back at the person who has gone on and reflect upon their life, and maybe even reflect upon our own. 

What choices have we made? What decisions do we regret, what things do we wish we had done differently? Where did we succeed, where did we miss a connection and where did we just fail? 

According to your beliefs death can be the end, it can be the beginning, it can be entering into nothingness. That’s not the debate here. I’ve got my own thoughts on that and they do align with life after, but right now it’s about this moment. 

How do we face it now? When it’s right in front of us, how do we face the loss of a life? Do we grieve, do we struggle? Do we break down and cry? Do we do nothing at all? Because we just don’t know what to do. 

There’s no right way to face death. There is only the ability to know we can get up tomorrow morning and we can do our day and hope that we’re adding to this life. Adding to our own life but even more than that maybe we’re adding to others. That the cumulative whole of us adding more positive in this world will give back. Give back to our own lives, but also give to those who might not understand that there’s more. There is more than just the 9 to 5 and there is more than just working till Friday. Maybe there’s something bigger to believe and that we might find if we just open our hearts and our minds to what’s out there.

When I get to the end, I hope it will be said that I was a man of Faith and a good man. Possibly even a combination of Mark Twain and Rhett Butler!

What will your life say at the end? What if we took the time to think about that now, today? What would you change? What would you do differently?

~ Peace

The Burtle

The Grey

Sorrow comes in many ways. It can come from loss, from disappointment. It can come from miscommunications or even just loneliness that dwells inside.

Sorrow can seep in like a cloud and cover your days just as easily as it covers over your spirit - feeling the grey.

It’s cold. Numbing certain senses while pricking deep others.

The grey, as I’ve begun to call it doesn’t follow patterns, moving rather like those same clouds mentioned above.

It sits on my presence and hovers.

And then it either grows truly dark, like dangerously dark, or it dissolves into the background as light starts to peek through.

It is always light that cracks its hold on my spirit. Sunlight, spirit light - it’s so amazing that the nature around us can be healing and inside we need that same kind of relief from the grey.

It comes from deeper belief, and even our simple attitude to try to look up and look beyond the cold to move forward. I know in the past I’ve stumbled and stayed stuck in the grey for much longer than I needed to. Holding onto the fears, the uncertainty, the bitterness inside that comes from just wishing things were a little different. A little brighter on a cloudy day.

Possibly wishing I had a little more. Or didn’t struggle quite as much. 

But then I realize the lie that I’m telling myself. Because I have so much. And even when it’s grey, I do have people that care, kids that actually seem to love me, and I do have my faith. And that is quite a lot. 

I may not have the material trappings like some of the people that I know, but I have so much more than others. 

And I have truth. Truth that has carried me through years of the grey. 

~ Peace

The Burtle

Sometimes I just sit and cry.

Not because I want to;

Not because the sky is falling.

Just because.

Because it feels heavy -

And I feel alone.

And even on a day filled with a lot of good depression still sits. Ready to have a smothering affect on my soul.

So that’s where I am.

Nothing blatant.

Nothing that will destroy me - unless I let it.

But tears come.

Been thinking a lot about the last five years. And even though I know we’re not supposed to dwell in the past, it sits. 

So many people say that five years is when things starts to click, and I think they’re probably right. That doesn’t mean that I’m able to understand my fucked up emotions - and even as grateful as I am, I often feel alone. And I just wanna be held. 

And loved.

Thankful for my group - the meeting that has been there since day one (well day three because I was avoiding the cult of AA at first!). I shared this morning that I remember clearly when God asked… “what do you want Chad?”

And I’m grateful for every breath over those years.  ALL of them, going back to the beginning, 53 years. Because they gave me these scars and a story.  One I’ll tell to anyone who asks - given the motives are right.

I don’t seek any pulpit, honestly I just want to walk like my friend Rich did. No, I didn’t know Rich Mullins, but I feel like he got it - the gospel how I read it and want so hard to believe, even as I’m fighting with that same God.

It’s raining outside.

And inside.

And it will be ok.

 - - - -

Have you ever thought about what other people around you carry? The sadness, the hurt, the pent-up anger, even joy that has been suppressed because of relationships that are hard or struggles in their life. Do you ever stop and wonder what’s going on in their lives?

We ALL have stuff. 

And maybe that’s a place we can connect instead of DISconnect.

Maybe?

~ Peace

The Burtle 

Rich Mullins - hard to get

Home

There is a mythical place called Home. Some people would call it Sanctuary, others a ‘safe place to land’, still others would call it the Jones’s house in the perfect neighborhood just up the street.

But Home isn’t stuck between four walls. Sometimes Home is an old pickup truck that still treats me better than most human beings! (And still the safest place to cry)

Home is a place inside ourselves. If you have a faith slant it might just be someplace that’s not even here but is inhabited by a sense of something bigger down the road. 

Home can be in the hands we hold, the voices we whisper to and the people we know give us that sense of belonging.

Home can be in a group of silver-yeared believers who adopt a wild buck that realizes they have more life and love than most modern churchies he’s ever encountered.

Home is akin to Love.  It doesn’t happen without it.  We feel deeply, share openly with those we love and in a sense they are Home.

Home is knowing it’s NOT home alone. We do need others.  From sweet smiles to deeper longings of the spirit and soul.

Home is belonging, being, sharing, caring, listening, crying and loving one another.

Home.

Where’s yours?

~ Peace

The Burtle 

So I did a thing…

Today, my first endeavor putting the words I’ve written together in book form is available. Like Big Boy published (though it was self published, it has a real deal ISBN number and available online!) I’m proud of it and it’s surreal in the same moment.

If you’re interested the link Is below - or just search on that ginormous online seller that originally just sold books (named after a River).

It’s an offering of who I am to the God I love.

Hopefully seen from a perspective that isn’t judgy or religious.

~ Peace 

The Burtle

The Link:

Known, a collection of writings

Parenting is hard.

Whether it’s from 3000 miles away or it’s across the house as they’re sitting 15 feet away from you, the distance might seem just as insurmountable (whether there be physical, mental or even spiritual chasms).

How do we smother them with love when at the same time we want to smother them with a pillow? Not really. But you know you want to shake them every once in a while!

Born of our flesh, they often times have the same psychological make-up that we have. Similar deficiencies and hopefully some of the same beautiful parts in their own unique packages. 

And whether they be 10 or 16 or 26 - they are hard. 

There’s a verse that says, show a child the way they should go (Proverbs 22:6). Sometimes it means directing them towards activities or interests that they may not really want to pursue; sometimes it’s encouraging things you don’t really like yourself, but you know it’s things they enjoy. And sometimes it’s setting up those ugly boundaries that just suck. They suck because they’re hard and they suck because they truly suck the life out of you. 

Parenting is hard. 

Yesterday I got to sit across from my daughter on her 25th birthday. I never imagined we would make it this far. She’s made like me in many ways and at the same time she’s much stronger than I am. She’s faced things that I can say I’ve never had to go through or endure. And she’s doing the best she can every day. 

It’s one of the joys when you see them on the other side. And as we were leaving I looked at her and I said “what’s your faith?”

She hates the question but instead of me telling her exactly what kind of faith she should have, I asked her what she believed. And she told me she had a higher power. She wasn’t sure much beyond that, but that’s a start. Because I would rather her believe in something than nothing. I would rather be able to have the discussion I had with her openly without it being mixed with the anger that she seethes toward people who push faith or her in total silence.

Parenting is hard. 

It’s much harder when we don’t have faith. That means me, my kids, and even the other parent. You can’t manufacture faith in someone who doesn’t believe, but you can pray like hell for them to find something that sticks in their ass and makes them realize that there are bigger mountains to climb.

How do you parent? 

I never feel like I do it well enough, but I try. And for many years I didn’t try. Not to the level of trying i could be proud of - trying to bridge the gap. Find things of interest that a 10 year-old, 25-year-old and a 26-year-old might want to talk about. And I often still fail to find those common grounds. 

I do believe fully that if you try, you’re at least participating.

Talk to them. Talk to them until you’re blue in the face if you have to, but also listen. And when you listen, maybe you’ll find one thread that you can say is common between you. Maybe they’ll see you listening and realize there’s more to communication than just yelling and screaming and then running away or just hiding and trying to slide by without opening up. Because parenting is really relationship. Starts as this protector of life and it develops into one of guide or mentor into hopefully some kind of relationship that might resemble a friendship. Or at least a connection that’s beyond just “do what I say!”

I don’t know if any of this resonates but I just know after several days of talking a lot about parenting and how it does and doesn’t work at times, I know that it’s better when you actually talk with others. Talk about your failures and talk about your hopes for your kids. 

Parenting is hard.

But so worth it.

~ Peace

The Burtle

the tender

I wasn’t raised on the tender.

There wasn’t a focus on when he washed his disciples’ feet or the tears that were shed over the passing of his dear friend. When Mary was there listening attentively, I knew Martha was faithfully doing the ‘right thing’.

We didn’t look at the last meal and have any real thoughts about the fact that his followers embraced him in a loving manner just hours before he prayed for them.  Loved them.  Died for them.

I didn’t know love at all.

I knew performance and prophecy and had a pretty good take on the scriptures from the book - at least the ones that were often bellowed from the pulpit. I’m no theologian, but I knew the message that was being taught. Unfortunately, a lot of times it was wrong.

Not wrong because it was a lie, but wrong because the focus wasn’t on grace and forgiveness and accepting as we are. It was on ‘we accept you more - the more you become like us’. Something that still resonates today, I believe.

Somewhere I missed that message. The tender message of hope through the eyes of love. 

And yet that is the one thing that has kept me here. The love of a being that I don’t understand but I still yell at sometimes, even today. I beg and plead and cry to, and realize that nothing works without him. Without this all powerful being that was so stupid-crazy that he came down and walked among us. 

He came to love.

So the journey more recently has been to understand this love thing. It’s nothing new. I can probably pick out at least five or six of my recent blogs that deal specifically with that topic, but today it’s more specifically about the fact that there are so many places that I used to think about the judgment of God that are truly about the Love of God.

And as I’m still working on the fact that he might just accept me as I am today, red eyed and snotty nosed, dripping with depression, I know that he loves me. 

Instead of asking ‘why?’ I just say very quietly…

“Thank You.”

~ Peace

The Burtle

What we carry.

The past can latch on and just NOT LET GO. 

__________

I had a beautiful conversation this evening with an older couple that I truly adore. Whether they realize it or not, in the few interactions that we’ve had I have come to respect and want to know them more.

At one point, we talked about our pasts. More I talked about mine and they listened, shocker… me talking - but I talked because I do feel a trust and a willingness to share with this couple.

The wife asked me about therapy - not knowing that I am so much on the bandwagon of ‘everybody should talk to someone! Get therapy!!’

Then she told me that she had recently started counseling of her own. Man, she’s a fucking superhero! That is huge! I don’t know if she thought I was serious or being silly, but I think it’s one of the most incredible things to find someone in the late fall/winter of their lives still willing to talk and open up. Walk the journey of healing the past.

I carried my past with me for a long, long time and it became so heavy and so damning. It condemned me well beyond the scars of my youth, and it tried to keep me in my pain and addiction. It tried to kill me.

Funny, even Jesus carried the weight… But then he lifted it up on a tree, and gave it to the Father.

What if we just stopped? What if we took the time to go ‘this needs to be dealt with, and I need help?’

What if we started walking through the pain and started to slowly hand it over to a higher power? Give it somewhere that can actually take care of it instead of continuing to carry it or worse, bury it! Either way it’s going to come out. Maybe it’ll come out in our anger and our frustrations or maybe it can come out in healthy conversations that lead towards peace in our spirit.

I don’t know, except for that it’s worked for me. 

And tonight/early morning as I’m writing this I realize that even when work is shit and I’m tired and frustrated, I still have more peace than I’ve had in any of the years when I was still trying to carry all those past hurts on a daily basis.

So thankful for the conversation tonight. It’s not every day that you meet an superhero!! And I hope to take some time to learn more about them soon.

If you’re still carrying the past, why don’t you look down and realize that you’re standing in the present? And hopefully, with some help let go of that and realize that today is enough, tomorrow will come, and lay those burdens down.

~ Peace

The Burtle

The Bubble

I had a conversation yesterday with an older gentleman who told me that he wasn’t willing to give his money to a certain city. That city is Portland. And it is a shit show in my opinion of all the things that are hard about thousands of people living together.

It’s not unique. Los Angeles, San Francisco, Seattle have similar vibes. Even Atlanta has many places that echo problems that I’ve seen there. 

I know Portland pretty well. I’ve been there more times than I could count easily and for about nine months I lived just north of the city in one of the upper boroughs. 

Tents. Begging. Social programs that can’t meet the needs of the thousands of people that have been bussed there from other ‘cleaner’ cities to get them out of their hair.  Do your research, there are cities that literally put people on buses and bus them to places like Portland to get them off their whitewashed streets.

And while I do mostly agree with this gentleman, I think we’re missing a big item. The bubble that we put ourselves in so often. I know I have one. I have found that as I get a little older than there are places that I am not comfortable going. places that I don’t want to be around as much or even people I’d rather avoid. I’ve gotten to where I’m a pretty snobbish lower-middle class/upper-lower class man.

And if this was just about economic standing and trying to provide the best for myself and those around me, that would be perfectly OK. 

But it’s not. 

Portland needs people. It needs people that care. Just like Atlanta needs people that care. There are so many broken hearts and yes, there’s addiction and there’s laziness and there’s just knowing that you can get by with as little as possible, but there’s also a lot of mental health issues and a lot of hurting people that could use a hot meal and a conversation.

I’m not talking about rescuing everyone. But maybe we could spend a little bit of that money we spend on the new clothes, that trip, the exquisite meal and put it towards one person at a time. Give time to get face to face with someone who isn’t like us - and maybe find that were made alike than we think.

One bad decision.  One bad month financially. One slip. And we’re in their shoes.

I’m not a fan of Portland. I love a little boy who lives about 35 minutes west of the city. I wasn’t happy when I was there and even though I know they’ve cleaned up a lot of the tents, there’s still a huge vagrancy issue that is so hard to watch. 

I took my daughter and my youngest downtown a couple weeks ago while I was there and it’s still hard. But it’s also trying to find its place again. Maybe it’s trying to clean up a little bit? 

Maybe we need to help give some spiritual cleansing. Pray, reach out, give. 

Not just money, but give of ourselves. 

~ Peace

The Burtle 

the Hallmark ending

It’s a myth. 

It’s fabricated, conceived out of the notion that life can end up in a nice, tidy package with a perfect bow. 

It’s a lie. 

The Hallmark ending is a lie. 

Before I go any further, I love Hallmark movies. I watch them as soon as they come on in the fall and winter (a current favorite is October Kiss) . I’ll watch them in the spring and summer. I really adore them - often as I say how stupid and WRONG they are at the same time! They are easy watches with simple twists, and always resolve in a nice,  heartwarming ending. 

But life is so much harder. Life takes a lot more work and it doesn’t resolve in 90 minutes. 

I think the only way to get something that resembles a Hallmark movie is to work every day at not having a Hallmark movie. 

Hear me out. I don’t mean that there can’t be moments. Moments when a first kiss comes, moments of tension resolved in laughter, a moment when someone shows up. That’s probably the biggest desire of my heart - to know that when something falls apart there is one special person that shows up. When you’re trying to make a hard decision or face something BIG, that person you love and trust is there. 

But isn’t that just called relationship? 

And relationships are hard. They take WORK. They take opening our insides to work through things that we would never work through on our own. Having to listen and bend while growing with someone?

Is that the problem that some of us face? That we look at those movies, romantic comedies, even action hero movies where things resolve in the end and think that’s how life works. And sometimes it does. I’m not cutting on the happy ending. 

I want the happy ending. 

But the happy ending takes a hell of a lot of work in the beginning, in the middle, on the hard days, on the days where you just don’t like the other person but you still love them, on the days when you know you need to be there for them because they’re a crying, soppy mess; on the days when you just don’t want to and you still do. 

The Hallmark ending isn’t real. 

But a relationship built upon love, trust, kindness, all the virtues of 1st Corinthians; that relationship has a potential to have multiple Hallmark moments throughout the entire relationship. And instead of looking for some spectacular explosion of emotions, to just be honestly known and loved by someone. 

Also, it takes faith. 

Faith in another human being, but also faith in something bigger. Something that guides and helps get through those hard times. Because your partner, wife, husband, they may not be there for everything. There are times when we have to reach down inside and reach for something bigger. Maybe God?

So maybe instead of having a Hallmark ending, we should be looking for Hallmark beginnings. Simple gestures, showing up, listening, loving, just being known. 

~ Peace

The Burtle 

CHANGE

“I am INEVITABLE!”

~ Thanos, Avengers:Endgame

Maybe that’s the best context to start this blog. Some big space demigod comes to threaten the existence of half the world. Pompous, with a mission and truly unwavering in his quest to eradicate what he sees as a threat to the universe - 50% of all humanity.

And he comes with a battering ram of destruction, not letting anything stand in his way. 

Sure, it’s a comic book movie…

But isn’t that how change works? 

Often times it can be subtle, but there are so many times in our lives when change comes as a slap in the face to our hearts, to our minds, our egos, our very foundations if we’re not careful. 

And it is Inevitable.

Change will come.

I don’t know if you’re like me, but it’s scary to think about things changing. And this is coming from someone who’s changed life more times than a teenaged girl getting ready to go out and gone through so many iterations of what the world looks like through the eyes of one single man. 

Change happens. 

And if you’re not changing, you’re probably not growing; possibly even regressing or just sitting in your shit! And that’s not a comfortable place to be (babies cry when they do this - adults wail and moan - which one really has a choice?)

I came home last night from being out of town and my plant that I’ve had for two years now was wilting and looked like it was dying. Unfortunately, the person who takes care of the plant had forgotten that watering the plant is a thing?!! I haven’t been diligent about giving it water on a regular basis. I couldn’t remember the last time I walked into my office and just put a little splash around the container. And it looked like it was fading fast.

Things left untended can wilt and die. Something that seemed so alive just a couple weeks before was now looking like I was going to lose it. 

Accepting the change, I went into the kitchen got some water and generously poured over and around the entire plant. 

I’m gonna have to change my behaviors here, because I like the plant. It makes me smile. It’s the first living thing in a long time that I’ve been able to nurture and keep. This is the third pot It’s been in from growing… Changing.

How do we deal with the battering rams? When everything shifts in a moment and we find ourselves faced with change that’s not quite as subtle. Do we fade away, do we hide, do we stand in front of it and go “okay, what do we need to do about this?”

Change can hurt. My son who is 10 and already stands over 5 foot tall is growing and every time a spurt hits he’s sore and achy. Change takes some growing pains. 

Change is happening. It’s happening in your life right now and it’s happening in mine as well - even as I wrote this, I’m facing change… 

There are things I want to change and things I know are changing. Thankfully I’m at a place where I can look at them and go ‘okay this needs to be changed, this I’m gonna HAVE to change, and this can wait.’ And I don’t know that I do it well, but I’m trying to filter myself through the lens of what my faith tells me is the best course of action.

Hey God, what’s next? 

And when I do that, I typically find answers; doors open or close and the change might not be quite as radical, not quite a slap in the face and I may be more able to be deal with change with a peace in my spirit that only comes from something bigger than myself.

Change.

Is. 

Inevitable. 

 ~ Peace

The Burtle

Hello out there?

We find God. 

We come back to community.

We often come with childlike faith - stretching out and asking for guidance and acknowledgment from those that are beside us, some leaders, some just there along the journey with us.

And for those that speak to us and walk this road with us, we find camaraderie, hope and frequent stories of the past and how we’ve finally made it to a little bit firmer footing. 

But I’m bummed at the church as a business.

Recently there have been several times those who are hired to Shepherd fall short. And I know they are imperfect men and women too, so I’m not trying to hold them to an unobtainable dynamic. But in my past and even in the most recent weeks I’ve found that ministry people suck. And what I mean by that is that I’ve tried recently with four separate Minister/Leader/People of the Church types to get a response, to set up a coffee, to get some information that I specifically reached out and asked for - even just get to know.

Only one has reached out. And that was after I had already found myself fed up and said ‘I’m done’. Done with the hierarchy of the corporate church. That man I’m thankful for. 

Just because you’ve been in church your whole life and attend every Sunday doesn’t mean that your faith isn’t shaky. We need support. Peter was the closest to Jesus other than John and he sank quickly when he lost sight. We need brothers and sisters that are willing and able to walk, to talk, to spend time with those that are outside of the walls. 

Because if those of us that are inside the walls are struggling to connect, how the hell do you think those on the outside feel? 

I’m not ‘better than’. I’m just another broken soul, trying to speak his truth. 

I find in myself that I’m not the best at getting back to people, connecting, taking the time to listen. Maybe it’s a lesson that I need to heed myself. 

One last note. For my work I was hired to do a job. That job is connecting with my customers, contacting them and setting up an appointment. Following through with information and circling back when and if I need to make sure that things are taken care of. I take it very seriously. Not because of the money that I get (that allows me to eat), but because it’s important. 

Shouldn’t we expect something similar from those that we hire to ‘do church’? 

On the other side, I have a beautiful Life Group/Sunday School class that truly does care. They are there because they love God and they do truly love other people. And to those people and a handful of others that I do interact with, I am so very thankful. You are the church!

~ Peace

The Burtle 

We Hold On

We hold on so tight at times. To beliefs, to each other, to the past, to old hurts. We hold onto our seats when we’re flying through the countryside in our first car, we hold our breath. We hold….

But when do we let go? 

When does all that holding turn around and we realize that we can’t hold our breath forever? That we will die inside if we continue to hold onto the anger and the fears inside. That we will start to wither away if we hold onto the life we once had. That we can’t hold her, can’t hold him but we can let them go and see what happens… 

Maybe it’s not that old adage ‘if you love something, let it go and it will return to you’, but I guarantee that when you open up your hand, open up your heart you will get something in return. Possibly something greater, something new. Something beautiful. 

So hold onto the truth that we can’t truly hold on to anything. Not really. Well, maybe our faith… But can you really hold faith, or do you just have to let go and believe? 

~ Peace

The Burtle

*Part of me wanted to put Wilson Phillips’ song ‘Hold On’ from the 80s in here just as a funny!

Politics

I don’t know your politics. And I don’t care. 

Hold.

Wait.

I care about you.  One human to another. I hope I’ll listen when you let me know them.

Whether I ask for it or not.

I’ll try.

But will you understand if I don’t agree? Because that doesn’t matter to me. 

Will you listen to my voice as well?

I’m trying to do this thing where I show love and kindness… I’ve written about that several times - probably more than several! 

We seem to spend so much time dividing ourselves when really, for me personally I need to try to connect. Connect the dots, make connections, play connect four?! 

I really don’t expect us to agree on everything. In fact, I think that’s part of what makes the human experience a little richer, a little deeper, knowing that we’re not all clones from Star Wars or a group of blonde-haired muscular men from history that was trying to take over the world. 

We’re humans. We’re different, each unique. Each fearfully and wonderfully made.

So understand if shy away if you come to me pronouncing your politics expecting me to jump on the bandwagon, because I just don’t know. There are some things that are being done in the world today that just don’t make sense. It’s not right or left, conservative or liberal, there’s just some stuff that really smells. And I don’t want to be a part of that. 

I do make my stand. I do think about issues, and I do try to be at least relatively informed. But if you ask me what I’m gonna die for, hopefully it’s not on a cross, but maybe it’s trying to be a little closer to that cross. Trying to show love.

Trying to garner peace. 

 ~ Peace

The Burtle

Least of these…

“‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’”

Matthew‬ ‭25‬:‭40‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“Whatever I do for OTHERS” I’ve done for God? Am I reading that correctly?  I think so.

Ministry isn’t the building I’m currently sitting in.  It isn’t the programs I can sign up for, the classes I can take.  It’s the simple gestures that show my own heart (the little black speck of coal!) reaching out without pretense, without ‘show’ to hear and see - possibly help others.  In ANY circumstance.

I have such a history here in the walls of a Baptist church.  So many days learning the truths and beauty of scripture.  So many thoughts that still ruminate inside me to this day.  And so many hurts.  Ones that often make me wonder, regardless of God and his mercy why I put myself back in this box.

Yet here I sit.

As I’m redefining my own thoughts, needs in this community, I also see that I’m not alone in trying to understand the bitter morass of church hurt.

And instead of resting in my misery - I want to do this differently.  Maybe seek ‘lost sheep’ who have the same questions about the cosmos and also the pull toward this God that often gets a little ‘dolled up’ amidst the pretty decorations and mainstream ministry.

What would it look like for me - in every day to seek the other ‘least of these’, the lost sheep that would rather wander than walk through these doors?

Not with a dose of religion painted on my tongue, but with a reckless faith that just can’t be bound by any walls.

And please, I’m not bashing on the church.  This particular church was there for me when I couldn’t see the light from the dark inside.  They prayed for me, loved on me and accept me (I think) as I am.  Well, the parts of me they know.

I feel like God is asking me to look beyond the static place to the moving heart inside (again, the little black speck!). Ministry?  How the hell do I do that?

I’m actually terrified of the answer.  But I know it comes with where he leads.  Wherever that may be.

~ Peace

The Burtle

 - - - - -

“For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’”

Matthew‬ ‭25‬:‭35‬-‭40‬ ‭NIV‬‬

““What man among you, if he has a hundred sheep and has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open pasture and go after the one which is lost until he finds it? When he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing. And when he comes home, he calls together his friends and his neighbors, saying to them, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep which was lost!’ I tell you that in the same way, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance.”

Luke‬ ‭15‬:‭4‬-‭7‬ ‭NASB1995‬‬

Broken and Restored

We are broken.

Most of us have gone through enough life to realize that a journey without pain or an amount of suffering isn’t reality.

We hurt.  We bleed.  We get sick.  We see our dreams fall apart. We succumb to our sins.  We crawl on our bellies and sometimes we even get to that dark place where we feel like life isn’t worth living.

And let me be VERY real here for a moment. Those who face the thought of death, suicide, self-harm are hurting souls.  Be gentle, kind - even if it’s while you want to shake them to salvation.  It doesn’t work to yell and scream.  But you can hold them, love them and PRAY that they will be broken… and restored.

The wonderful thing about this journey, with its myriad ups and downs is that we have the ability to grow, to learn, to overcome (gonna get to this in a bit).

Most successful businesses have gone through many iterations of failure before they find that secret sauce that works. Dave Ramsey is clear about the many times he failed before he figured out how to make his empire what it is.  And he tells of how his journey has gone through changes even in his success.

But for those on the brink of failing, how do we find restoration - healing - LIFE?

By doing just that.  Failing.

Failing in our thoughts of self sufficiency. Failing to walk away from the addiction. Failing to will our kids to a faith in something bigger. Failing in our hopes to keep our relationships from hurts.

Failing, falling and maybe, hopefully looking up.

Finding something that answers all those questions in our hearts, our minds, our spirits.

The path to restoration differs from person to person.  Just like each of us has our own idiosyncrasies that make us unique, your road to healing may take 10,000 turns or it may take a single light along the path.

My own came at a cost that I thought was insurmountable, yet the healing came - starting in finding that everything had to change.  A radical shift was the only way to finally get my attention and make me succumb to a greater journey than I could have ever known.

Maybe yours is as simple as putting your knees on the ground and letting your broken heart be touched by God.

Maybe you need to take a turn and move away from the relationships or activities that keep you stuck in the hurt.

I don’t know your story, but I know a way to peace.  To hope.

To life.

And I’ll tell you - it’s beyond anything I could have imagined.

There are still hurts.  My body still aches as does my spirit.  But each day I can see the light and all the little gifts along the way that make my heart sing.

Joy out of sorrow.

Every single day.

~ Peace 

The Burtle

“I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord watches over you— the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.”

‭‭

Psalms‬ ‭121‬:‭1‬-‭8‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“For Our Battle…”

The Lie

“I’ve Got This.”

It’s a simple statement that I know I’ve said many, many times. “I’ve got this. I can do this on my own. I don’t need help.”

It echoes with other statements… “I don’t have a problem. I can handle this. I can stop anytime. I can control this.”

I don’t control this life. I barely control my own existence. Thankfully I do know how to take a shower, how to brush my teeth and get presentable enough to walk out the door and do a job. But I didn’t. For a very long time. Oh I knew how to keep jobs, but I also knew that there was an end in sight. The longest job I ever had was eight years at a company with a manager that was very kind and very willing to let me do the good things I was capable of and try to help me walk through the harder ones that I couldn’t. Like staying out of trouble.

So the lie exists to kill us. Maybe not physically, but it does exist to bring us down to our knees, to our bellies, to put us in a place where we are so dependent upon a person, a substance, a bottle, a righteous or religious belief* that we can’t see the truth. Because you can get lost in a person, you can get lost in a bottle and you can get lost in your beliefs if they are misguiding, leading you to down a path of destruction.  

And I’m not talking about jumping off the cliff yet, that can come, but what it does do is lead you to being isolated, alone, angry, sad, depressed, anxious, all the fucking things! It’s an existence that doesn’t give any TRUE joy, and the little bit of happiness is fleeting and usually at the expense of others or ourselves. 

The lie presses us, it crushes us, and it brings us down, ultimately ending in sickness, exile, ridicule, shame. And honestly, I think living in shame, whether it’s veiled or out in the open is a whole lot harder than death. Because you’re not gonna care when you’re dead, but you know the shame. It wants to keep you just alive enough to torture and break us down from the inside out…

‘For our battle is not flesh and blood…’ I agree with this - soooo much!  It’s those things that eat at our spirit that are working against the light. We’re not fighting a person standing in front of us, again that would be easier than fighting the internal voices that come that are lying to us, fighting the truth. 

We can even find ourselves fighting those closest to us if they don’t understand or agree with us. Hell, sometimes it’s just fighting for fighting. Don’t you think that the dark forces, and I do believe there are dark forces out there, love the fact that we’re not at peace. Because if we’re not at peace, we start looking for answers, and instead of looking to the places full of hope and sustenance, we often look to sharing a bed, emptying a bottle, injecting something into our arms, all of the things.

It isn’t so much facing a lie as it is facing the truth. The truth will set you free… But it will also put you on your knees. And personally, being a man and being raised in a way where males are supposed to be tough, able to face things and not bow down and not be emotional, it’s a fucking lie to think that you can do this on your own. And I’m not just talking about your buddies you go drinking with. Yes you’ve got those, but I’m talking about being open and honest with one person, then maybe two, Then maybe you’ll have three or four.

There are currently four people in my life that I would trust with anything (there’s a fifth that’s starting to be trusted more and more that scares me a little bit, but not in a bad way. Just it’s so new and so beautifully vulnerable.) But it started with trusting one person who has been there since day one for me in terms of trying to face the truth. Then it became two. And when I start isolating, I still think at times that I shouldn’t share everything because ‘they don’t wanna hear it’, ‘I can handle this’. OR maybe I know they’re gonna tell me more truth that I don’t want to hear. But regardless, it took getting to a point to where everything was taken away before I realized that I needed others, including something spiritual to make it through the days.

The lie tells us that we can do this on our own. Can you? Honestly, can you do this on your own? I can’t. Ask my daughter. Ask her what it looked like to watch her father try to destroy himself from the inside out. Cause I wasn’t just fighting myself, I was also fighting those things that resonate within a very sick mind. And I was sick.

The lie will kill you.  Slowly, terribly, in the worst possible way.  Eventually separating you from those that love you, from help, separating you from a life that does include hardship, but also leads down a path to peace.

Does this sound familiar to you? Any of it? 

I know some answers that might help. I also know that it’s damn hard. But it’s worth it. 

I promise you it’s worth it. 

Face the truth. Dispel the lie.

One day at a time.

~ Peace

The Burtle

*faith and religion are not the same.  Anything that leads us away from a truth that resonates peace, love, something greater, can bring us into shame.

“But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.”

2 Corinthians‬ ‭4‬:‭7‬-‭9‬, ‭16‬-‭18‬ ‭NASB1995‬‬

“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.”

Ephesians‬ ‭6‬:‭12‬ ‭NASB1995‬‬

Wet socks

Man, it rained hard yesterday.  Beautiful pounding rain that seemed to almost move the building where I sat, safe and secure. When it was over, I emerged with the sun steaming the puddles creating humid clouds out of the dryness.

What if I had stepped into one of those remaining puddles and got the one thing that I hate the most when out and about - a wet sock?

I used to be a more avid hiker than recently.  Loved being out in the woods in just about any season and I’ll tell you, I can be drenched all over from rain, sweat, even snow, but once that right foot was wet, my attitude and the complexion of the hike changed drastically. And it always seemed to start with the right foot!

Here’s the thing, even me, who typically brought extra socks was pretty much done mentally when that foot was wet inside my boots.  Because there’s not an easy solution ahead.  The sock is wet, the boot is wet and probably not going to be dry for a long while.

Even in the city, once you get caught in a rainstorm and it just comes down, you’re probably going to deal with the same issue.  A wet sock in a wet shoe.

And with this comes the choice…

Do I let this one crappy thing ruin my day?  Do I shut down, gripe, whine, want to go home? 

Or do I thank God for the sock? A reminder that life isn’t always going to be as warm and comfy as a good pair of merino wool socks. Yes, I want good socks! They do make a difference.

The funny thing is we often live our life’s as if we are wearing that sock.

Two things come to mind.

1.Life isn’t always going to be dry, comfy, secure as we want it to be.

2.Sometimes the things that wet our socks are reminders, often puddles we step in regularly that keep us mired in crappy thinking or even actions.

So a wet sock isn’t the end.  Maybe there’s joy in knowing that you’re not alone. Most everyone has one at times.

And if it’s one of those habits that has you wrapped up that you can’t get away from, maybe it’s time to take off both socks, and jump in the water.  Instead of letting the world or darkness take away the joy - just jump into a different pool.  One that brings life and healing 

~ Peace

The Burtle

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

James‬ ‭1‬:‭2‬-‭4‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

2 Corinthians‬ ‭12‬:‭7‬-‭9‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“We have this treasure in jars of clay”

Maybe it’s in the cracks, the broken pieces that have been sewn back together that the light shines. That in our weakest moments, in our defeats, in our times of falling, failing in the face of the world, the light of God breaks through and illuminates beyond our fragile shells.

Maybe in the moments when we hurt the most is when we see the most. Because that’s when we see the power that comes from a breath, from a touch, from a loving hand of someone we know, but more powerful than any of this is the whisper on the wind of God’s voice. The gentle nudges or sometimes swift kick in the ass that persuades us on. Even if that means to stop and sit for a while, just to be still.

“We have this treasure” inside us and once we’ve been exposed to it, we are never the same. Once you’ve tasted and allowed that sweet nectar to flow through you, how can you go back to something else? Something that doesn’t satisfy.

In a world where we are taught to find what makes us tick, what makes us happy, what makes us fulfilled, maybe the answer isn’t in the world at all. But inside the whispers of a God who loves. In the ancient words of a manuscript that still resonates beyond any billboard or social media post.

In hope. 

In finding peace in the midst of those moments when it just feels like everything’s a little shaky. 

And sometimes, sitting in the darkness, when it feels like there’s not much light at all, there resonates something bigger. Something that is unexplainable to most, but if you know, you understand how God can reach down… This all powerful being can reach down and hold us in our moments of sorrow.

And maybe the treasure inside is just the fact that we are here. That if you have chosen to follow (God) that you know that there are things that will break us, there are things that will tear at us and things that will try to drag us down paths that lead us to misery, but the treasure is inside. And no one can take that away.

“We have this treasure in jars of clay”.  Inside this tender heart.

~ Peace

The Burtle

“For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.”

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭4‬:‭6‬-‭9‬ ‭NIV‬‬

A Higher Power, whom I choose to call God

I’ve proclaimed over the last several years that love is a choice. Sure there are feelings and emotions involved, but the truest form of love comes with sacrifice, patience and with a consistent effort made through action. Even the action of stillness…

I also have come to believe that most, if not all smart humans have a belief system. I’m not necessarily talking about religion or even the god that I was raised with, but I am talking about something deeper that resonates within them. That helps drive them, guides them and sometimes pick them up from the crap… I wanted to say ‘shit’, but I decided to use a different word! 

I’m not trying to push an agenda (yet), but I do think that having a higher power, whatever it is for you is important. 

And look, it can be intellect, it can be your own core sense of accomplishment that comes from hard work and finding the right avenues for your career. It can come from being on your knees and it can come from flying in the clouds. 

So all you smart people, (both of you that read this lol) tell me. What do you believe in? 

And here’s where I side step and bring in my agenda. I’m gonna tell you about my God. And you don’t have to understand and you don’t have to believe, but I just ask you to take a moment and really dig into the fact that I want to hear yours as well. I don’t mind talking about God and also hearing about what other people believe in. It’s one of those topics that some people get real fearful about, but I’ve learned that the more fear we take out of it and the more love we put into it the more bridges we can build between each other. I don’t need you to believe in my God, but I would love to share with you how having something to believe in when I was at my worst saved my life.

Saved me from a tree, from a bottle, from my own stupidity and flesh. 

I thought that the only way that I could find God was to check off all the lists… Sunday morning, serving, showing my face and also doing the right things. What the hell are the right things? I keep reading this book and it keeps telling me that there was this guy who said just follow. He didn’t say you had to be perfect. He didn’t say you had to have your shit together (There goes that word again), he didn’t say that you had to get it all. Take a step. Just believe in something.

Look, I’m pretty passionate about the fact that I’m flawed. That I am more than enough of a project for God to work on trying to make a little better. And for years all I could think was ‘I have to do this better, because if I can do it better, maybe he’ll love me’. And that’s bullshit!

God is love. 

He stands there with his arms open wide, and says ‘I’m here, I don’t need you to be perfect, I just need you to say yes… come to me’.

In late 2020 I found myself on my belly in the sand on a beach near St. George Island. I had fallen while trying to exit this life. And in the cacophony of chaos that was my life, I couldn’t even take my life with success. I was so angry with God. That whole trip was full of me lashing out and telling God how fucking tired I was of everything he proclaimed. And that night it was almost like I heard God’s chuckle when I fell, but it wasn’t God, it was me laughing at myself. At that moment, I was the biggest failure I had ever been. And that’s saying a lot.

It was months later when I finally decided to put down the bottle, find a God of my own understanding.  I found a God that loved me. Just loved me.

Yes, my behaviors have changed, yes my world is so much less crazy, but I didn’t suddenly become perfect. I just became open to the possibility that God could love me and would be there to help guide me. 

I’ve spent the last four years trying to figure out why. “Why do you love me?”

I may never understand the why, But I do know that I’m here and my life is so much fuller because of ancient stories that I feel are true. Teachings of a God in flesh who walked the earth, who sacrificed for me when I didn’t deserve it. Who kept me here, breathing during the darkness of 2020.

So regardless of what you believe, it does matter. I’m not trying to downplay something that may be core to your existence. Honestly, I’d like to know. I do think that if we believe in something that is bigger, that love should be at the core. And if it is, maybe you and I are closer together than we thought. Maybe there’s a bridge to build.

Love is a choice. 

I’m so thankful that he chose to love me.

~ Peace

The Burtle

I just want You to know who I am

Sunday morning I was driving to the church early and a song came on. It was a cover of the pop tune “Iris” made by a new country artist I had put on my playlist to check out at some point. Honestly, I thought it was because of a girl, but I was wrong. 

I know the song well, and as I started to hum along, I froze as I really heard these lyrics… 

“And I don't want the world to see me

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am”

 ~ from Iris, by the Goo Goo Dolls

Tears started rolling down my face. I want to be known. It’s probably the deepest desire in my heart. It’s also the scariest one. It’s a fight inside to be known and not trusting I won’t be hurt in the process.

It’s not so much that I don’t want to be seen by the world, but it’s more that I don’t let the world see the deeper stuff. Those closest to me I do want to be vulnerable with, but before that I want to be transparent with God. Because that’s where it starts; that’s where life began for me - in 1972 and again in 2020.

So the truth is, I’m desperate for God to know me. And also scared at the same time. While I want him to have all of me, I still don’t know why he would want to. And that sometimes blocks being able to be truly transparent. Because I feel like I’m supposed to hide. I was taught that. Even in the religious halls that I grew up in I found that there’s many times we don’t want to ‘take off our shoes’ and truly be who we are.

We wear our fancy clothes, we talk and walk in the ways that are acceptable. But I’m not always acceptable. I’m a fucking nut at times! 

I love God. He is so real and true for me. And I’m not cutting on those who are more comfortable in their clothes than I am. I’m finally getting comfortable in my own skin and part of that is realizing that this whole journey is about relationship… and that starts with the relationship that is first and foremost. 

I often walk around feeling like I’m a pariah, an outcast, a misfit. And I’m learning that is perfectly ok. The man who wandered through Gallilee and Samaria and Israel and all of those old areas speaking truth… He was a misfit too. At least to those who wanted it to be a certain way. 

I crave the acceptance from those who are here around me, but what I want even more is the love and affection that comes from my father. I know God does know me - even when try to hide. 

When he touches my spirit like he did Sunday morning and the tears flow down; I realize the simple truth… 

“ I just want you to know who I am.”

~ Peace

The Burtle

Iris - Cover (click to listen)

Daddy Issues!

Reader warning:

This may be a sensitive topic to all three of you who actively read this blog! 

But that’s what I do. I take where I’m at and try to put my thoughts down as best I can. And sometimes that means it’s a topic I don’t really want to talk about or write about. And definitely not think about, but here we are.

How do you see your father? 

My father is a good man. I can’t say we’ve had the easiest relationship. I know I wasn’t easy and I can’t say that he was either. But I know that he loved me in his way and I’m thankful that I did have a father. My father gave me a taste of faith and also discipline. Took me to work with him at 14 and helped ingrain in me a realization that working is good. It’s something I’ve done my entire life. I don’t feel right unless I’m working. And I don’t mean every moment, but I do know that it’s important to get to the end of the day and know that I’ve done a good days work and rest in that.

I’m grateful I had a father who was there as I was growing up and also was there at one of the hardest points in my life and told me I needed to get help. Even if it was not pretty. 

What I’ve also had for my entire life and even today is a fear of my father. I’ve always felt that I was a disappointment. There’s some valid reasons for that. I’ve never lived up to be the man that maybe he and my mom thought I would be. But I will say this, I’m more grateful for the man I am today than any other man that I could’ve become. If you know me you realize that I took a pretty hard path to get here. Yet I’m here, and I’m breathing.

So I need to have a conversation with my father and it’s nothing incredibly serious, but even now so many years later, I still fear having those conversations. And that’s funny because if you really know me, you know that I don’t mind deep, I don’t mind hard. I don’t mind difficult. Hell you can tell me your shit and I’ll just go ‘yeah, I get it’. But there’s still a part of me that wonders how to talk to my father without having that little gulp of fear that comes in my throat and more so in my stomach.

So what is your view of your father? What if you don’t have a father? Who has been in your life that has helped guide and mold you? Maybe it was a mother? Maybe it was a family member, a foster parent, a pastor, Boys Club volunteer?

We all have different paths, but our views of those in authority over us, those who help guide us or sometimes kick us along, can define how we look at things throughout our life. 

I can say this pretty openly that my father and I are closer now than we ever were before, because I didn’t get him and I’m sure he didn’t get me. It took a pretty extraordinary act to get my ass in gear and realize that it’s OK that I’m not exactly who EVEN I thought I was going to be!

What do you do when you don’t have that guidance? Hopefully you found someone that walks along with you. Because those views of men or elders or women or mentors - they matter. They matter a whole lot. 

Those are the voices that guide us when we just don’t know what to do. And for me, hopefully they echo the voice of God. Because that’s my Father. Yes I have my earthly father, but I’ve ALSO got a Big Ole Daddy in the sky who loves me regardless of how crazy I am, when I fly off the handle, when I run around in circles, when I fall down and cry.

And sometimes there’s a fear of God because of a fear of man. If the only thing you’ve known is hurt, pain, is abuse, how can your view of God be anything but negative? I don’t know?!

My parents gave me a loving home to live in. They didn’t know the turmoil inside. They took me to church and exposed me to faith.  That faith is what guides me. And I thank both of them for that. 

My dad pushed having an education, getting a degree. And even though I don’t teach anymore, I think life teaches me and I can see how the lessons of completing something matters - even if it’s a bachelors degree in six years, though not a doctorate! (Maybe a PHD in life)

One of the greatest things that my father did was push me to follow through. And I didn’t always understand that and I still don’t always know I do it the best. But I try. 

As for that Father up in the sky, well that one loves me unconditionally. It’s one of the best things ever when you just know there’s this big huge loving being that just wants to love us. Who’s right there in all of the crap, in the joy, the hurts, the laughter and in the tears. 

Tell me about your father!

I’d really like to know :)

~ Peace

The Burtle

Like an 80’s John Cusack Movie

I watched the end of High Fidelity the other day. It’s one of the more modern of the John Cusack romantic comedies. It’s a good movie and in true form, outlines the path of one man who is honestly still searching for himself even though he’s pushing 40 in the movie. 

I grew up on these movies. And my life and how I look at things is often formed by thoughts of the hapless lovable loser. Who at some point finally figures it out and makes good. It’s silly. It’s not reality, but actually in some ways maybe there’s more reality there than I’ve thought in the past. You can live in this fantasy and that’s definitely not healthy, but if we look at our lives, I think all of us go through a time where we feel like we’re not good enough, or somebody’s gonna figure out that maybe we don’t have our shit together or maybe we’re just eating ourselves inside because that’s who we are and we have way too many thoughts in our heads.

Better Off Dead, One Crazy Summer, the Sure Thing, Say Anything - all classic JC movies!

I have played those characters over and over in my mind and also in my relationships, often fraught with my own emotional immaturity and desire to be seen, to be known. 

I still fight this. I know who I am. I know that I am a good man and I also know that I struggle with insecurities. I do daily try to push through them. But this vulnerable little heart inside me (and yes, it’s there - it’s tiny, probably infinitesimally smaller than anyone thinks), it’s there. And it just wants to love.

Thankfully, God rescued me from living fully in this fantasy by giving me hope. But does that make it always easy? Hell no! I struggle with the reality that I’m in my early 50s and I am alone. 

I have good people around, I have someone I’ve been talking and walking with, I have my kids. I have a church that drives me bonkers, but at the same time shows love in ways that I don’t know that I’ve ever seen. 

Some days I’m just a fucking mess! And believe it or not, even as I’m writing this, I would rather be a mess and know it than to not have any clue that I’m dealing with stuff. I’m learning still. I’m breathing, and I am still here. 

Because I wasn’t always here. For a lot of my life I was absent. Even if I stood right beside you, I was able to walk through life without being truly enmeshed with what was going on. 

The funny thing about High Fidelity, at the end he figures out a lot of things, but he gets hit immediately with the same thing that he has struggled with, seeking out attention and wanting to be seen by others. It resolves, as movies like this tend to do, and Jack Black sings one of the most amazing renditions of Marvin Gaye‘s classic ‘Let’s get it on’ and it is powerful. Then, Stevie Wonder comes on with a song that I do hope is part of my future.

As I’m driving this morning to take care of some things, to be present with my life group at the church, serve this afternoon, to walk a lot I hope, I just needed to get this off my chest. 

God gave us such a capacity to love. He gave us hope through him. And, you don’t have to believe what I believe, that’s never what this blog is about. I do hope you believe in something though. Because I had a friend this week who lost a daughter because she couldn’t believe in anything bigger. It’s hurting me still that this person decided to leave. In fact, I wrote a blog about it, but that’s one is just for me.

I’m very grateful. Even on a melancholy morning, where I feel like part of me is still in Alabama. I’m grateful that I’m here and sad at the same time. And I think that’s what life does. We have to hold onto both. We have to take the times where we’re joyful and align them with the times when we’re suffering and find peace in them. 

Love on ourselves, then we can love on others. Just my thoughts. 

~ Peace

The Burtle

Love and Kindness, part 2

About a year and a half ago I wrote how I hoped to live my life by showing Love and Kindness to others to the best of my ability.  Others meaning ‘everyone’.  Still a very rough journey at times - navigating this call, this path that I truly believe God set me on.  Not a ministry appointment, not a place of serving in a church (though I do that when I can), but the desire to look at life through the lens of that ‘crazy to the world’ Savior who did just that - showed love and kindness while walking among the people - chastising the religious leaders, welcoming the dirty and sullied, teaching and setting a new commandment for us all.

And this morning the message was on that - Love and Kindness.

So I’m going to steal straight from the message I just heard and add my take on this ‘new commandment’.

Showing love and kindness is a CHOICE. A daily decision to NOT be mean, surly; evil.  Yup, I just said evil.  In our hearts we are evil unless we fill it with the Light.

“He did evil because he had not set his heart on seeking the Lord.”

2 Chronicles‬ ‭12‬:‭14‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I chose to take action.  Simple action of being available, willing, committed (as best this man can) to this cause.  

Then there’s my recent look at 1 Corinthians through the “is” scriptures. My take on how to truly show the L word!

“…is…

Patient

Kind

No envy

Not proud

Honors

Not selfish/self seeking;

Slow to anger

Doesn’t keep score

Does not do evil

Seeks truth 

Protects 

Trusts

Hopes

Perseveres - 

Never Fails.

The Greatest…

…is.”

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

Take away the frilly, feel-good, emotion based version of this and get down to the Choice to Act, Commit and Be… Love.

Showing this to those close to us seems obvious, but what about to our enemy, to a stranger, to those sick - whether physical diseased, mentally ill, addicted, angered souls?

I’m still working on this.  And I fail at it daily.  The course isn’t about a specific outcome - though there are some areas where I pray constantly for the path I’m walking to unfold…

But if we just try a little more to Be Kind.  Show Love. Breathe life/light into darkness. And not my own light, but His…

Holy Shit! What a change that could make!!

Ponder that.  

What if we spent more time being those “is”s from above?

What if I just took a little more time to see others and to show them a little of what saved my ass?!  A bunch of people praying (Thank you BHBC Life Group!), a God that loves, a light that I hope will continue to shine.

Last note:

AND sometimes Love is about letting go.  Holding up an outstretched hand and saying “please take this from me”.  It’s Yours.

~ Peace

The Burtle

Temper

noun

1. a person's state of mind seen in terms of their being angry or calm."he rushed out in a very bad temper"


2. the degree of hardness and elasticity in steel or other metal."the blade rapidly heats up and the metal loses its temper"


verb

1. improve the hardness and elasticity of (steel or other metal) by reheating and then cooling it."the way a smith would temper a sword"


2. act as a neutralizing or counterbalancing force to (something)



It’s like watching a bad reality show, but it’s real life. It’s like seeing a mirror of my past looking through the lens of where I am now. Taking a closer look at a simple word, a word that typically describes all the anger, hurt, unbridled emotions that belch for when we’re upset, tired, hungry or just an ass.

Temper.

I think most of us think of the noun definition first. “That person has a temper! I don’t like their temperament. I’m worried about how they will react” (temper).

And as I’ve sat on the sidelines and watched, actually more listened to the stories of the unraveling of one person’s insides, I have had compassion, disdain, even a bit of hurt because I’ve known that place. 

To stay in that version of the word is typically damaging. Sure there’s the positive side, but most of us may not think about having an even temper.

Then we move to the verb. 

Strengthening of resolve. Improving the strength, flexibility of something. Balancing.

Being able to walk through the fire with some semblance of dignity and holding your head up high while the world is thrashing at you, telling you just how ‘bad’ you are. 

That’s a temper I want. I want to be able to stand with my head held high and not lash out at my enemy. Sure, I’m going to express where I am to people that are close to me. But there’s no reason to go about bashing people who are just as hurt as I am inside. There’s a resolve that comes from digging down and knowing that God‘s got this, even when I don’t, and I just need to show grace and love even in the midst of being slapped in the face. Yep, I said ‘in the midst of being slapped in the face’. Now honestly, am I gonna turn the other cheek? Probably, after I smack them back with my words. I’m human. I’m not above. I just don’t want that to be the ‘go to’.

Do I take every little feeling I have inside and sling it back at those around me? I’m trying not to. 

As I’ve walked through this phase of my life, I’ve found that life is hard. I can’t do it alone. I met with a group of people this morning that love me as I am, who accept me as the broken man who is trying real damn hard. And they’ve helped me express where I am and walk through the times where my emotions are out of kilter, when I’m sad, depressed, or even when I’m just a little too giddy. lol Yes, there have been times in my past where I have been called that. Believe it or not!

So the temper that I want to continue to work on is that of patience, kindness, long suffering, lack of pride, humility. 

Wonder where that will take me? 

And as for the reality show that I’ve been able to watch, I think it’s going to wind down at some point. Anger is hot and it burns really bright, but it can’t sustain. It starts to eat at your insides and at some point it just blows up in its own face. I don’t need that, but I do know that I will try to be a friend for the person who’s going through it. Listening. Then sharing my own experience, strength and hope.

~ Peace

The Burtle 

Truth

Truth or fiction.

Honesty or lies.

It’s funny how sometimes the loudest voice is what we hear. How the lies screamed at the top of someone’s lungs can dwarf the truth being whispered on the wind. How we can look at something and see exactly what it is and have someone try to tell us that it’s not that, to change the picture. To make it look like a lie is the truth. To make it look like something that is not healthy is healthy.

The narrative is shifted from one of honesty and integrity to a barrage of insults and slurs meant to make the truth seem irrelevant.

We get to choose. Choose to live in light and truth or to live in darkness surrounded by lies.

And sometimes it’s not even about lying, sometimes it’s just hiding in the darkness. Knowing that surely if it’s not said it’s not a lie.

Truth is hard. To walk in truth means to walk the narrow gate. It means to take what is ahead of us, what is around us and what we’ve walked through already, our past, and to continue to navigate through the flaming arrows, the insults, the hurts and still try to hold our head up as we seek Honesty.

That means doing the hard things. There’s a author recently who wrote a book about the 2%. Those who are willing to do the hard things. Sometimes the hard things just seem impossible, like we would never be able to walk through them. They may lead to a lot harder path ahead, but they also lead to freedom. The path to freedom is not one of ‘Easy’. It takes stepping outside of ourselves and realizing that some things we have to do just are not comfortable. But if we want to see the clear blue skies on the other side of the horizon, we have to walk through the mess. And sometimes there’s a shitty mess in front of us - big donkey pile of mess.

Over and over, whether it be through science, the philosophers, biblical faith, there is the search for truth. Often times the truth is hidden behind the lies. Behind the misdirections and bloated statements from hurt souls - hidden by oppressive mentalities. But the truth is still there. It is still evident. It is still powerful and it is still necessary.

Truth will set you free. 

Just like when you’re walking a path late at night, you would never go without a flashlight, walking this path of life without truth is like walking blind. You may think you know where you’re going, but eventually you might just step off the edge of the cliff. Falling into the abyss.

Seek truth - even if it’s hard. I think it was probably pretty hard to look out on the people he loved and see them spitting at him, taunting him all the way to the tree…

Breathe -

And find peace hidden amidst the lies. Truth in the storm.

~ Peace

The Burtle

The Noble Man

A rarity.

Possibly a diamond in the rough.

Worthy of a woman’s love.

He is trusted,

He provides for his family.

He protects and doesn’t bring harm upon those he loves.

He works a job - is not lazy or a burden on others.

He is wise with what he has been provided.

He is kind.

Finds no pleasure in doing harm.

He loves others.

In the hard times, he trusts that the hard work already performed will see his family through.

He trusts that God will cover him.

He seeks the wisdom of others.

He believes in community.

He is not proud.

He ‘is clothed with strength and dignity; 

…can laugh at the days to come. 

…speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on his tongue. 

…watches over the affairs of the household and does not eat the bread of idleness.’

His family respects him.

“Many… do noble things, but his humilty surpass them all.”

‘Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a MAN who fears the Lord is to be praised.’

Adapted from ‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭31‬:‭10‬-31

“A wife of noble character”

05/14/24

clc

Tend

I don’t know that I always understand the concept or maybe I haven’t understood it until now, but I do know that there is purpose to caretaking, watching-over, guiding, tending. 

I spent the last several days at a monastery in Alabama. No, I haven’t gone off the deep end fully and decided to become a monk, though I have toyed with the idea in the past. What I did do was walk a lot, pray, write, spent time with a friend, played music and just got away from my normal here in Atlanta.

I feel I’ve been given a lot of direction over the last several years and in the last couple of months it’s been even more pointed. What do I want to be? Well, maybe I just need to be that. Is it so hard to simply make decisions that lead toward the man I might already be, just haven’t given myself the credit for being yet?

Along this path I’ve been asked to look at myself again, not in the scathing way I would’ve done in the past, but instead to lovingly look at who I am and peel back layers that need to be shed while also embracing who I am deeper inside. 

This has come about through my continued recovery journey, through dear friends that have made me think about things, through a crazy pastor in Alabama and a simple nudging at my heart towards something new. 

Words like ‘purity’, ‘conscience’, ‘steadfastness’… and over this last weekend ‘tend’.

What does that even mean? To tend the soil? To tend to a flock of sheep? 

Tend 

Tender

Tenderness

Attend

What do these all have in common? They take time. It takes attention and watching, listening - allowing things to grow. 

Gentle, but also firm. Compassionate.

All the things that I feel like have guided my path. How do I show these to others? How do I walk my journey with my head held high while also stopping along the way and talking, learning, growing myself and also growing relationships?

I don’t know the answer. But I know that the questions that I ask often lead me to experiences, people, journeys that take me to exotic lands like Cullman, Alabama. 

As I left there earlier today, I realized that there were things that had changed in my life over the last several weeks that I never expected. Some of them challenges I never thought I would face. And then there’s the simple matter of planting a seed, tending it with care and watching it grow.

~ Peace

The Burtle

“So when they had finished breakfast, Jesus *said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of John, do you love Me more than these?” He *said to Him, “Yes, Lord; You know that I love You.” He *said to him, “Tend My lambs.”

John‬ ‭21‬:‭15‬ ‭NASB1995‬‬

If

If I could go back to my younger self, I would tell myself to be patient, to listen more, to try to understand the bigger picture and not be so quick to jump to conclusions or jump to the next thing… But to give situations time to grow and to move forward. 

I would tell myself that you need people, and those are gonna be more important than any accomplishment you ever make. The ones that you meet for a moment or the ones that you keep for a lifetime. I would look at myself and go “Chad, You need to really pray this through. Chad, you need to walk through this.” I think my current life over the last 4 + years has definitely been more like this. More walking through, more trying to listen, more trying to be willing and open to what God has. 

If I could tell my younger self one last thing it would be, “it’s gonna be okay. It’s okay. 

It’s okay.”

“You are good enough, you are smart enough and gosh darn it… People might just like you!”

02/15/25

clc

~ Peace

The Burtle

https://youtu.be/6ldAQ6Rh5ZI?si=f7a3Gp2G4mbRWyhV

February 14, 2025

Someday someone’s gonna recognize the man who I am. The man who loves God, struggles with life and still tries… I try. The sarcastic, witty, sensitive asshole who just loves people and wants to help. Funny thing is though, the person who needs to see that first is me. And that’s a journey that I am working through. I work on it every day.

This morning I sent an apology/thank you text to a man who I don’t know very well. We had a tense conversation several days ago and I realize that I still need to make sure that I keep my side of the street clean. That when something comes up - and I have not been the better version of me – that I own it, apologize and look to do it better next time. I hope that makes sense. This is kind of a shotgun blog written in haste as I’m heading into work. Because there’re some things on my mind.

I’m so blessed with what God has given me. So very thankful. And as I woke up at 4 AM with a super killer headache, nauseous and just pounding, I’m still trying to do the day. One step at a time. 

There’s been some new things come up that I’m praying about. Some old things that I’m letting go. All in all, it’s a beautiful chilly Friday. And maybe as most of the world is celebrating a fabricated holiday for couples made by Hallmark and candy manufacturers… I’m just so thankful that God loves me.

And I love me. Not that I don’t beat the crap out of myself sometimes - but again, progress not perfection! 

So as I looked this morning up at the stars well before sunrise, even as my head was pounding, looking Westward… I breathed and started my day. 

I have a date this evening with Drew Holcomb and his music at symphony hall. Guess that’s not the worst way to fake celebrate the day!

Thank you!

Anyone who reads this, anyone who is a part of my life. And thank you, God. For everything.

~ Peace

The Burtle

Crossing Over

There is something about crossing over, whether it be a magnificently built bridge, a natural stone path over a creek, a Red Sea, a rope bridge over a canyon or a small row boat filled with two boys out adventuring. The symbolic and the physical moving over to a place that we can’t reach without some type of help.

And while often times it’s just to get to the other side, sometimes it’s escaping the past, getting to safety on another shore, exploring a new land or even just the need to find something new in our lives.

Crossing over matters. It’s biblical, it’s philosophical, it’s damn well part of Joseph Campbell’s ‘The Hero’s Journey’. Why do I always come back to that? Because it’s life. We do have a journey. We do have this Hero inside us - and I’m not talking about Hercules or Captain America or Spider-Man like I watched with my son this last weekend. But there is a hero inside us that has to go on a journey. Otherwise we get stuck in the mud.

And the journey, it may be crossing over the river Styx, it may be to go rescue some damsel in distress, or a guy in distress - let’s be real, a lot of women are a lot stronger than some of us men! It could be to start a new life. It could be simply walking through the sadness and the hurts that still prick at times.

Regardless, we have a journey. What do you need to cross over today? What are you working towards? Is it a long drawbridge that you have to time it just right to get over, is it the rope bridge from Indiana Jones that you know the enemy is going cut as soon as they can while you’re on top of it, or is it a little dinghy that you are frantically rowing to get across to freedom… to breath, to life?

I don’t know your journey, but I hope you’re on it. I hope your feet are planted firmly in the knowledge that you can do this. That even when it gets hard, you can do this. There’s help. There’s a village around you if you want it. There’s people who do care in this world. There’s hope. It may be in your faith, it may be in a social structure, a wise teaching - but there is hope. I have to believe that. Otherwise, why are we here? Why are we here?

I hope you take that next step.

And cross over that bridge.

~ Peace

The Burtle