We can not replace, add to or seek out more of it.
We can only watch it count away, or we can race it to the same conclusion.
At some point we will run out.
Time.
I have a watch sitting on my counter. It's my favorite watch for wearing outdoors, a military style Timex that well, "takes a licking and keeps on ticking". But it's not ticking at the moment. It's in pieces, needing someone who has more knowledge of it's insides than myself to put it back together. I miss having it when I'm out there. I don't care for the new watch/leashes that we've started to wear to keep us even more 'connected'. Keep it simple.
My watch is broken. It needs repair, maybe even replaced. The second hand has stopped (that's the longest, thin moving part for those unfamiliar with such relics). In the mind of the watch, time has stopped. And in my spirit I've seen the same halting of time. No, I haven't found a way to reverse aging or to stop the clock. I know that the world still moves on. That Time stands still for no one.
But my heart stopped. It stopped beating a while back. Just like that watch. While the world around me has been moving on, I've been stuck. Unable to feel the rhythm of a steady heartbeat. While I have still gone through the motions, my insides weren't working properly. I couldn't get past a certain point without shutting down, realizing that something wasn't quite right. I've felt empty and hollow in some ways. While still feeling so full of life, I couldn't quite get my ticker right.
The heart wants what he heart wants. It's a phrase I wish I had made up, but it's been used often in poetry, prose and film. And the heart also won't find it's beat again until repaired by the caring hands of a craftsman. It's taken a while. I tried to get there myself, but my attempts to mend it always came up short. Not that all of those were in vain. I met amazing people and have stories of opening up and starting to breathe, to feel a slight pulse again. But limping has never been my way. I leap a lot, I fail a lot, and I live.... a lot!
Thing is, I had to realize something that I've struggled with my entire life. I am beautiful. I am passionate. I am alive and I am WORTHY! Not of prosperity, or success or any of the trappings of the world. No, I am good enough to be fully loved... by me. No one can take that away from me. And no one can take that away from you. Once we find that truth, that our hearts can beat for so much more, and we take them to a source, a creator, a spirit that allows us to see what the world is like when we're truly ready...
...we can beat again,
in time.
And as I stood over the gravesite of my grandparents yesterday, I looked down and saw the reality. One day we will meet our end, and no matter what form of afterlife you believe in, if any, there will be an end here in this life. But what I saw beyond the grim reality of death was love. They loved each other. They lived a life together loving, growing, creating a family and in the end my Grandfather could never replace his bride even after living for 20 years without her here in this world.
My heart still feels their love. They taught me so much and still do.
Maybe it’s time.
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