The wonder in the ‘Why?’

It’s probably the biggest single struggle in my faith - where my heart and my mind collide.

The ‘Why’.

Why would infinite father on high send his son down to die on the tree for me?

And all the faithful followers who don’t have doubt, man I wish I had your strength, because I know who I am and I know that I struggle. While my heart knows 100% there is a God, my mind questions why he would do that for me. Why?

And that is the beauty of the frailty of man coming to the feet of the fulfillment of God.

While God so loved the world, he also knew that there would be ones like me that don’t always get it. In our frailty, in our bitterness and our sorrow we still just fight with him constantly. The utter cynic in me looks for answers while my heart still beats for the God I love.

I’ve had some people tell me that it was a surrender problem. Maybe, but more than anything it’s a hardheaded, free thinker who didn’t come through faith by simple submission. Who came to faith by fighting with religion and facing demons. I’m sure others of you have gone on that journey.

And maybe that’s why I’m writing this. Because there are others out there who question the sacrifice but know there’s something more. And in those spaces in between, that’s where we have to rectify our faith into something that we may not totally understand, but down deep feel and experience it’s truth.

Why would Christ die for me? And I’m not talking about the sin thing, I get that. I’m talking about the simple looking at a human being (God in flesh) and saying ‘why would you die for me?’ and then realizing it’s God and we may never understand his ways. Hell, never understand!! 

So if you’re struggling with a tugging inside your chest that just won’t let go, struggling at the fact that it doesn’t make sense, I get it. I get you. And I want to tell you, there is hope.

Last night I sat alone in an Airbnb and thought about all of the celebrities who, in the height of their fame drank or drugged or just flat out killed themselves because they were alone. Robin Williams, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Chris Cornell. I felt alone last night too. And I knew I needed to sleep. I needed to get up and face a new day today. Hope in human form is no hope at all. And if we’re not careful, we start playing with the most precious gift we have, life.

I’ve been down that dark road, and what I’ve learned is that I won’t always understand the path, but I usually understand the next step. And many times I get correction, nudges from the universe, from God, from others around me to keep me moving forward.

Going back to the question of why - I don’t know the answer, but I know that when I’ve been in my darkest there has been a light that annoyingly shines. Not letting go of me even when I wanted to let go myself.

Why?

Because God loves even me.

And if you can’t rectify what’s going on inside your gut with what’s going on in your head, gosh, I’d love to talk to you. Not to convince you, but just to know that there’s someone who wants to hear.

 ~ Peace

The Burtle

Mary, did you know?

‘Mary did you know 

that your baby boy

Will one day walk on water?

Mary did you know 

that your baby boy

Will save our sons and daughters?

Did you know 

that your baby boy

Has come to make you new?

This child that you've delivered

Will soon deliver you”

 - words by Mark Lowry 

She was told that she would be a mom. Not just any mom, but she would birth life into the world by carrying and nurturing the son of man.

What a mantle.

Can you imagine the weight? Honestly, I wonder if all of you moms already can. Because the responsibility, the joy, the tenderness and the headaches that come with raising a child might be beyond anything that I understand, but I wonder if you already know how hard it can be to have this tiny little form that you know is going to grow up and grow away come into the world in your hands.

Jesus was special. Unique. He was God.

I know none of you have raised a saint, because I know some of your children! Kidding! But I do know that Mary was given the instructions to love, to teach, to admonish Jesus, just as all of you have been given that subtle understanding in your spirit of what it takes to cradle something and then be able to let go.

Mary had to let her son go to the cross. It was his destiny from the beginning. She watched him, followed him and she lingered nearby, never interrupting his mission (well, maybe with the wine thing).

To all of you moms, and there are so many of you that I call mom, regardless of whether you birthed me or not (you did not want to birth me, it was 10 lbs. 3 oz. and I’ve been a lot since the very beginning!). Thank you for the journey that you walk with these little beings that God has placed in your hands. Knowing that one day they will have to walk on their own and they may walk away, but you still do what you were asked. 

Loving. 

Holding. 

Letting them go.

You are mom.

~ Peace

The Burtle

Video of the original version of the song - click below:

https://youtu.be/bXmfkFoX-PE?si=Yu1yAKiGsCqd3-eP

A Cynic’s Guide to Faith

I have doubts.

Many.

Sitting on the cynical side of faith while at the same time fully aware that I wouldn’t be sitting here at all without that same faith.

I question.

People.  Motives.  Government.  Policies and even the validity of stop signs, especially along those rural stretches of road along 278 through the outskirts of Georgia into Alabama.

I guess I’m supposed to just believe.  Well that got me tied to a bottle and wishing I could just make them understand… fighting a losing war with myself.

Why do I have these questions? Maybe one day I’ll get to ask the Dude on High. My faith didn’t come easy, yet it’s the easiest thing for me to actually believe.

A cynic believing in one true God. Yep.

Because even those of us who struggle with trust, who struggle with letting go, who struggle with knowing that the world will ultimately let them down can find a sliver of peace in knowing that tears aren’t wasted on heaven. That all the hard isn’t bigger than the God who whispered “I am here.”

And if you don’t question and can just believe without doubt, I wish I had your superpower. Mine seems to be flying headfirst into brick walls until I knock myself silly!

Funny thing is, when I doubt the only thing that always remains after disappointment from other fallen humans, institutions without a conscience or relationships that seem so fucking one sided is the truth. The truth that after a good cry (last night and this morning) there will be that same sliver of peace once eyes have dried and breathing has calmed.

Oh, I doubt. I question.

Yet, I still believe.

~ Peace 

The Burtle