By Faith (a moment of calm)

from November 19, 2020

I’m the calmest I’ve been in the last week. Actually, since I was in the hospital. I’m scared. Very scared. My entire life has been shrouded by this.

I drink too much. I’m impetuous. I struggle with relationships. And yes, even with my relationship with God.

I’m taking the meds, but I don’t think they work well enough, and mixing them with alcohol definitely doesn’t help. I think I want to change that. Everything is so goddamn hard right now. But this isn’t a bitter letter.

I met the greatest love of my life during one of the hardest times of my life. I broke her heart. She hurt me too. She doesn’t know that.

I love my kids dearly, but I’m not a good dad. And I’m not beating myself up. I’m just saying I don’t feel like I’m a good dad. I just do what I can.

I would move heaven and earth for Annie, Cambrey, Cade, Topher, Alex.  Yet, I can barely get out of bed in the morning. Can barely move. I’m paralyzed. It’s something I haven’t experienced in a long time. But it’s been there a lot this year.

I’m praying a lot.  This calm scares me. But I promised I would make it to the next moment. And that’s tomorrow morning. I need to sleep. I haven’t for the last three nights.

I want to rest. I want to be held. I wanna make love deeply to my love and wake to breakfast with everyone around the table.  But what I am going to do is wake. I’m trying to face tomorrow. I have a little peace with that.

OK God. I’m yours.

~ Peace

Chad
11/19/20

A humble prayer

Content within my misery, 

my heart is broken yet I still believe

I don’t feel joy, there still is pain, 

but I embrace it and begin again

To pray, to scream, to groan, to cry,

Look up to heaven, and ask “why, oh why?”

Realize I may not understand his plan, 

but I relent, place it in his hands

I know my wants, 

I know my desires, 

all I can do is pray, to a faith that is higher

And sit and wait, and hopefully see

All that he’ll open up, 

one day, for me.

I believe.

12/9/20

clc

Zadkiel