60 days grace......

Two months ago my life changed.  From a lifetime of wanting to be absent came a choice to be here.  Sober and actively working on myself, I'm seeing the damage I caused, but also the peace I have with where I'm at.  It's not where I thought I would see myself at 48, but it's a path I'm on for the duration.  Peace - what a strange word, and an even stranger feeling to start to process.  There is a life with peace.  Serenity comes from accepting where I'm at and prayerfully asking for "His will, not mine".

Below is a  collection of writings from two months of living this life differently. Safe, sane(-ish) and sober.

~ from the previous blog “By Faith (a moment of calm)”

"I’m praying a lot.  This calm scares me. But I promised I would make it to the next moment. And that’s tomorrow morning. I need to sleep. I haven’t for the last three nights.

I want to rest. I want to be held. I wanna make love deeply to my love and wake to breakfast with everyone around the table.  But what I am going to do is wake. I’m trying to face tomorrow. I have a little peace with that.

OK God. I’m yours."

11/19/20


Surrender…

“Who is with me?
The birds and the bees.
The flowers and the trees…
My God above whom I dearly love.”


11/21/20
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I haven’t forgotten you.  How could I?
I still…  AW


11/25/20
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Be Courageous.

Be Open.

Be Willing.

Be BOLD.


12/9/20
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Keep a Candle Burning

Keep a candle burning
Under the pale moonlight
Do not be discouraged
It’s time to let go of this fight

Turn your eyes toward heaven
I wish I may, I wish I might
Have a little hope before me
See it right before my eyes

The struggle has taken captive
So many years I can’t recall
All the battles lost to fighting
With you, my precious lord

So, now I’m here in your presence
Open heart and open mind
To what you place before me
Give me your peace and let me fly

Say a prayer to heaven
It’s not the words, it’s what’s inside
And I know you’re up there listening
I don’t ever want to hide

Again from your salvation
Take my wounds and set me free
To live each day beside you
With each precious breath I breathe

So I’ll keep that candle burning
On into the night
Knowing I’m never far from your presence
Lord, you’re right here by my side

You’re right here by my side.


12/10/20
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Through the Trees

How do I take this feeling
How do I take these dreams
Every moment beckons
Me to continue to be
Here – ever hopeful
Present – with where I am
Pray for the future
Give it to God – and take my stand
Never letting go of what he’s promised –
Believe.
Let her know – through the winter wind
That blows
Through the trees…

Through the trees.


12/18/20
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Potter’s Clay

Mold me and make me
crush my will and renew
Give me hope that is born
From my dependence on you

Take all of these trials,
let them be known
As where I wasn’t willing
to make your will my own

I know you are the potter,
and I just the clay
Take the heart of this man,
and mold me, I pray

Mold me, I pray


12/31/20
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Fabric of the Path

We are all woven
from the fabric of the path
we travel on,
together – we surpass
what we could not do alone
we, not I –
with all our might –
carry on


01/01/21
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Hold On

Hold on
Never listen
To the voices in your head
The ones who say you’re not enough
Reach deeper

To the place where
You see all the beauty
All the treasure you hold inside
That place where you run
When you want to fall and cry

Don’t forget
That you are here,
Part of a bigger plan
And you, you matter
Try and understand
No man, no child, no woman
Can make you less than all you are
All that peace you’re missing
Is right there, inside your heart.


01/04/21
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A Prayer

God I still want all the things you promised me.
I want to hold her late at night, to feel fresh air and breathe
I don’t know what to do with all I’ve lost, because of me
I never know what to do, so I’ll go to bed and sleep
Living in your promises, though they come in your own time
I hope that you will not forget, this man, and say “You’re mine”


01/06/21
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Topiary

Lord, 
Grow me like the vine
Twisting and curving toward the sky
Let me bend as you awake
My spirit, and give me breath each day
As I meander, stop and prune
All that is dying - my will not yours
And as day turns into night
Write your promises on the sky
So as I lay down to sleep
I draw comfort from knowing that you will keep
Me safe til’ morning light
As you grow me like the vine.

01/10/21
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Prayer for Annie

Dear Lord,
Wrap your arms around her tender, broken heart
Mend each fractured vessel
And show her continually all you are

And let her dwell each morning
Like the dew paints the waking earth
More and more in you
Let her find how much she’s worth

Whisper your sweet promise
In her ear and let her know
All that you have planned for her
As she travels down this road


01/10/21
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A New Creation

Leonardo, what about her smile?
Is she wistful & waiting, or hesitant & mild
Oh, how you touched us - gave us more than ‘her’
Your musings & writings, show us designs we weren’t aware

See David, chiseled out of stone
Michelangelo, you’ve become so well known
Your artistry still shines today
Inspiring us to things both bold and great

And as I ponder where I am tonight
Painting on a canvas, or chapel walls up high
I am being made into something new
A piece of art - God’s creation renewed.


01/10/21
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This I Pray

Lord,
I ask you to bring me some relief
I’m stuck again in my emotions
Dealing with so much grief

I’ve always hidden from the pain
Masked it with gin and beer
With sex and with just losing myself
In anyone who would hear

I’m now without those places
I used to run and hide
So, I ask you, please dear savior
Please take by your side

And let me know the peace
That only comes from you
I’m here Lord, and I’m willing
Just show me what to do.

Lord, I give myself to you.


01/11/21
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Raindrops

Raindrops,
tear drops
both falling to the earth
How my soul is restless,
trying to find my worth

Dreams of fame and glory,
or just a home sitting by a fire
All have been extinguished,
by my past and false desires

Lost among the echoes,
of a thousand days, I wait
Patiently, but unsettled,
trying to find my fate

I know those around me,
see the cresting sun
Many days I still see the fog,
eyes clouded, feeling I’m done

I do not speak lightly,
AND I am not done yet,
But lost among this journey,
sometimes I still regret

All I spoke of highly,
all I wanted, all I’ve known
Has been replaced with just a desire,
to define myself,
to be my own.


01/12/21
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The Prodigal

The tale of the prodigal son is not about me returning to my father. Head bowed in submission to the rules and legalism that was so engrained into my upbringing.  

The tale of the prodigal is all about returning to God. To a father who I’ve never understood or truly known until now, though I’ve always had glimpses of his glory and his might, but I never really wanted to get his love.

Walking back down the road, humbly asking him to do what he’s done all along - love and accept me, a broken and bruised child who just wants to come home.

prod·i·gal
/ˈprädəɡəl/

adjective
adjective: prodigal
1. spending money or resources freely and recklessly; wastefully extravagant. “prodigal habits die hard"


Through My Window

Feel the fresh air, through my window, 
open up my heart to all I don’t know
Take each day as it comes to me
I fill my lungs, (like) I’m learning to breathe
For the first time, and I know it’s a bigger life
Before me, and I have the choice inside
Cold January, here in the Deep South
My days have meaning, and I see how
I wasted so much time, but how could I know
That there was life, if I could just let go

And I have.
Not my will, but yours
Listen as I sit still, to your voice
Through my window.


01/12/21
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“Just because there’s lines 
doesn’t mean I color in them”
~ Tsao Chad


01/13/21
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Morning Prayer

Give me the peace
That passes all understanding
Give me joy
Beyond all I have known
Give me strength
To stand when I am fallen
Give me Your love
To weather any storm


01/16/21
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Follow You

Follow you &

Let me breathe

The cool, cool Morning wind

As I believe

More and more in you

Let me bring

Myself to your heart

And let me see

The mountain top 

But more the path

You have me on

And let me ask

Only for this day

To find your will

Inhale deeply

And get my fill 

Of you.

01/18/21

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~ Peace

Chad