All We Are Sayin…

“Ev'rybody's talking about Ministers

Sinisters, Banisters and canisters

Bishops and Fishops and Rabbis and Pop eyes

And bye bye, bye byes

All we are sayin’

is give peace a chance.”

~ John Lennon

I thought I was going on a journey. Several years ago my ex-wife gave me Joseph Campbell’s Hero’s Journey and a couple of other books regarding the man and his mythology. And while I don’t give her credit for this path, it was in the midst of our divorce, it was part of this character arc of a man that I never would’ve known.

Do you have demons inside? I think most of us do.  I think many of us struggle with overindulgence, pride, success vs. failure, aging. Some of us have seen the end of our lives.  And in the moment of my last breath, I didn’t want to be revived to something that was worse than what I knew before. That’s my journey. When I wanted to die last year, when I wanted to die my entire life, I thought it could never get worse. But I did stop breathing. And if it wasn’t for one brave soul I would be dead. And I hated him for that for a long time. Because I didn’t want to face me. I didn’t wanna face my demons.

I woke up in a hospital, angry, volatile, marked a dangerous patient and aware of only one thing. I was going to die. I was damn well going to do it. I spent the next five months on that quest.

And I couldn’t appreciate the gift of life that I was given. Why this man who stood just days after my mother‘s death and told me that he would “take me out” would also be my momentary savior.  I was angry at someone for standing up to a drunken, addicted bastard who didn’t even know how to mourn.

Because I didn’t know peace.

I knew the rationalizations. I knew the religious contemplations, but I didn’t know how to let God show me how to settle.  To breathe.  To be.

The journey isn’t to find some mythic Quest.  The Journey is to find our ‘self’.  

On this journey I met a man. I met him through the one place I was never willing to go.  I met others.

I found God.

Though he really was always there.

Peace doesn’t come out of some miraculous journey. Peace comes out of practice, prayer, petition, practicing more and proving that you are willing to give up everything for it.

I heard the story of a man who gave everything to bring a form of peace to the world.  Not peace in the world, but peace beyond; a peace inside that resonates from a deeper belief in something that we can’t explain with science or philosophy or cable network news.

I lost my serenity yesterday. I found myself sobbing hopelessly at the Portland airport.  Angry at God, mad at my circumstance, and alone.  Yet I wasn’t alone.

God presented himself in trials, in trusted people from the rooms, and in a little boy who loves his daddy.

I hugged that boy and knew that it was going to be okay.  If even just for a moment.

And this morning I realized that I’m still learning, I’m still growing, and I’m still finding peace. Sometimes even in the midst of the storm.

I’m thankful for Ron. He gave me the gift of life when I really just wanted to die.

For my group of peeps. Even though I shut down yesterday and didn’t want to talk. 

For my mentor who has shown up for me many times.

For my daughter. For my sons and my family. Even though I feel estranged most of the time. For a new relationship with my father.

For tears flowing freely as I write this. The spiritual reset that they bring.

For a day with a little boy. Baseball, hiking and hugging.

And for peace. One step at a time.

~ Peace

The Burtle

A.W.