Steel Magnolia.

My dad sent me a picture of my mom's grave today.  Pretty yellow flowers placed on a still very fresh grave.  At least fresh to those who it impacted.

September 2020:

I stood there alone. 

In the midst of several hundred people, during the height of Covid - I stood alone.

It's not a topic I relish talking about.  My last conversation with her wasn't pleasant.  It wasn't hard, it just was.  I said goodbye over the phone the day before it happened.  Then she was gone.

I wasn't present during that time.  I was distant, destructive, determined to exit this life myself.  Never expecting my days to add up while my her's ended.  I didn't have hope, and all I saw was the morose and pain that I felt was the biggest ever known.  And in that time it was the hardest - to me.  We all have our story, our paths that led us to where we are.  In September of 2020 I was on a downward spiral that still had a ways to go before bottoming and finding that word, that belief - "hope".

As I stood by the grave I realized the path I was on was shaky.  I didn't know how scary it was going to be - how could it get worse than this moment, standing by the grave?  It did.  What I also realized was that I was alone.  Amidst family, my older kids, so many past acquaintances, I was standing there a shell.  

I was strong though - I thought.  I was able to deal with this.  I was ok.

Bullshit.

I was a mess and very few wanted to be around me for any extended amount of time.  The man I thought I was looked more like a badly drawn cartoon character than a survivor.  

Of course I was alone.

Well, not totally alone. 

God was there.  He cradled me - held me - tried to direct me, all while I stood my ground and spat in his face.  He never left.  Never let go.  Always tried to speak his still, soft voice in my ear.  

I continually find myself realizing that this journey does not get easier.  Life is hard.   It is filled with all the stuff that makes us grimace, glow, grow and even feel gassy!  We aren't here to ride some celestial wave into glory.  We are here to trudge.  Sometimes with a solemn peace, sometimes with a gentle glow.  Laughter and tears can flow in the same instance.  

I watched "Steel Magnolias" this evening.  First time I've seen it in probably 15 years.  It's a hard movie.  There's a lot of life in that two hours.  At the end they are at the gravesite.  Tears.  Anger.  Questioning.  Why?  Why her?  Why not me?

I don't know the answers.  My mom and I were not close.  I only know that I am here.  I was given life during a year filled with so much loss.  I can't waste that.  I want to listen to His spirit blowing through the trees.  I want to walk through creation being the best man I can be.  Not ever perfect, but learning - growing.

Not much of a hero, I am true to who I've become.  I've found myself having to learn how to 'adult'.  Handling several very hard situations in the last few days, all with some level of serenity.  I have changed a lot in the last two years.  From homeless wreck to stable man.

I am never alone.

I stand here.

Learning how to be a Steel Magnolia.   

~ Peace,

the Burtle