I know I may come across sometimes a sappy or emotional. But I'm a
stronger man than I ever thought I'd be. I've fallen, been beaten and
left as an outcast. Felt like I was the 'grey' SHEEP my entire life
until recently.
But I don't give up. It often amazes me at
my own capacity for moving forward even amidst the trials. Oh, I suck
real bad at times, but there is an innate desire to continue forward.
Even when covered in shit!
There is less and less of that. I'm fine tuning now. If you really know me maybe you've seen some of this movement.
So if you're down, get up!
LAUGH!!!
If you're hurting, scream LOUD and let it go!
Sometimes we need help, and sometimes the only way we let go is to reach out to someone who can understand.
Whatever you do, don't lose sight of the horizon or miss a moment of today!
LIVE this life!
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Sunday, August 11, 2013
What Matters Most
If today were your last...
...what would matter most?
Your job,
Your car,
Your house or the upcoming trip you have planned to Cancun?
What really gives you peace?
Who do you think about right now as you're reading this?
The Pharaoh's believed that they could take this world with them to the next. But I think that the museums that house their treasures are smiling at that myth.
I know what matters most to me. It's memories of special people and specific events in my life. It's the reality I've seen...
If today were my last, I'd smile knowing that I'd found love. And she is incredible. Something I never expected. And I have two super kids that are growing and becoming a young man and lady. Friends that are real and enrich my days. I've lived the past year with less and less regrets over my past. I've become more the man I always wanted to be.
So what matters most?
Love.
Family.
Friends.
Hope and Dreams all mean more when they come alive in your life.
So you...
You know who you are!!!
I am so blessed.
...what would matter most?
Your job,
Your car,
Your house or the upcoming trip you have planned to Cancun?
What really gives you peace?
Who do you think about right now as you're reading this?
The Pharaoh's believed that they could take this world with them to the next. But I think that the museums that house their treasures are smiling at that myth.
I know what matters most to me. It's memories of special people and specific events in my life. It's the reality I've seen...
If today were my last, I'd smile knowing that I'd found love. And she is incredible. Something I never expected. And I have two super kids that are growing and becoming a young man and lady. Friends that are real and enrich my days. I've lived the past year with less and less regrets over my past. I've become more the man I always wanted to be.
So what matters most?
Love.
Family.
Friends.
Hope and Dreams all mean more when they come alive in your life.
So you...
You know who you are!!!
I am so blessed.
Saturday, August 3, 2013
FEAR
If you live in fear. You live by FEAR.
I've lived that way. And honestly it's something that I first learned from the religion that I was raised in. The religion I knew early on was tainted. I knew that the people that practiced it were good people, but there was also the judgements and human element that leaned more toward doing things because you should 'fear' the consequences. It also came from having to hide things from my childhood. Fear of the past.
But that same fear bled through to my life. When it came time to build relationships, they were rooted in expectations and consequences. Not love or acceptance.
Some would say that I'm lashing out at the 'church'. I'm really not. This is my perspective. You have to decide if you agree or not.
I know that all of my relational decisions up until recently had strands that led back to the religion that I was told to believe. Yes, TOLD to believe. It wasn't until recently that I felt I had a choice in my beliefs. Really?! I'm 41 and I'm finally realizing that I have a choice. Hmmm. Something doesn't sound quite right with that. But that's a blog for another day....
So as I started dating in high school, college - it was fear based. Fear that I had to fit some mold or some design to have someone truly love me. Well I will tell you were that has gotten me. Two very bad marriages. A lot of heartache and some pretty long nights questioning why I always failed.
But now I'm at a much different place. And the person who I love is having to see me working through these misconceptions and untruths. I'm still breaking down walls of fear and uncertainty. Tonight has been quite a struggle with that. But as I have told myself... one step at a time.
I'm still raw at times with my emotions when it comes to this. I don't know what to do with the junk at times other than to share it with those I trust and move through it. I'm not going to just push it aside. It has to be dealt with.
My trust and hope has grown, and I'm seeing the fear subside. It's a slow process at times, but I know that it will be worth it.
Tonight may be hard, but tomorrow, well that's another day!
I've lived that way. And honestly it's something that I first learned from the religion that I was raised in. The religion I knew early on was tainted. I knew that the people that practiced it were good people, but there was also the judgements and human element that leaned more toward doing things because you should 'fear' the consequences. It also came from having to hide things from my childhood. Fear of the past.
But that same fear bled through to my life. When it came time to build relationships, they were rooted in expectations and consequences. Not love or acceptance.
Some would say that I'm lashing out at the 'church'. I'm really not. This is my perspective. You have to decide if you agree or not.
I know that all of my relational decisions up until recently had strands that led back to the religion that I was told to believe. Yes, TOLD to believe. It wasn't until recently that I felt I had a choice in my beliefs. Really?! I'm 41 and I'm finally realizing that I have a choice. Hmmm. Something doesn't sound quite right with that. But that's a blog for another day....
So as I started dating in high school, college - it was fear based. Fear that I had to fit some mold or some design to have someone truly love me. Well I will tell you were that has gotten me. Two very bad marriages. A lot of heartache and some pretty long nights questioning why I always failed.
But now I'm at a much different place. And the person who I love is having to see me working through these misconceptions and untruths. I'm still breaking down walls of fear and uncertainty. Tonight has been quite a struggle with that. But as I have told myself... one step at a time.
I'm still raw at times with my emotions when it comes to this. I don't know what to do with the junk at times other than to share it with those I trust and move through it. I'm not going to just push it aside. It has to be dealt with.
My trust and hope has grown, and I'm seeing the fear subside. It's a slow process at times, but I know that it will be worth it.
Tonight may be hard, but tomorrow, well that's another day!
Monday, July 29, 2013
Drive Back "Home"
I finally went back there. To the house that I grew up in.
6310 Short Street.
Some of you will read this and you might be a little uncomfortable. I'm letting you know that now, so that you can close this page and move on. But if you bear with me, I'd like to say something about my past, my life.
It's the first time I've been by that house since I graduated college. I have memories of playing in the cul-de-sac, a bunch of boys on bikes and running through yards. An innocence about the whole place. But that wasn't always the case. Amidst the sounds of youth were also the silent cries of fear.
My cries.
The innocence we want so deeply for our kids is fragile. It takes only one moment in time, or several episodes to taint that innocence with something dirty. Ugly. Unable to be explained away among the neighborhood gatherings, but instead hidden deep for years to come.
If you want to know what happened, it's simple. I lost my innocence. Not by my choosing, but through the actions of someone who should have known better. I was 6 or 7 when it first happened.
The hardest part is finally letting go. I realized that as I drove by today. I'm done with the hurt that I came to experience there. I don't have any desire to go hang out there. I really don't need the onslaught of memories. I do love some of the people that formed that part of my life, but I don't want to go to any reunions or even sit down over a meal. Some of them might not like what they see in my eyes if we were to sit across from each other. A lot of hurt and sadness. A little anger. An innocence gone, and I'd love to just ask "why?", "why did you take that away?"
A am finally LETTING IT GO! And it is that easy. I've done the leg work. I've looked at it from an adult's perspective. A perspective of a Father. I won't be casual with how I talk to my kids about life. I NEED TO KNOW THEM!
So Short Street - you LOSE! I am tired of hurting because of you. Because of what happened there.
Rest in Peace.
Chad
6310 Short Street.
Some of you will read this and you might be a little uncomfortable. I'm letting you know that now, so that you can close this page and move on. But if you bear with me, I'd like to say something about my past, my life.
It's the first time I've been by that house since I graduated college. I have memories of playing in the cul-de-sac, a bunch of boys on bikes and running through yards. An innocence about the whole place. But that wasn't always the case. Amidst the sounds of youth were also the silent cries of fear.
My cries.
The innocence we want so deeply for our kids is fragile. It takes only one moment in time, or several episodes to taint that innocence with something dirty. Ugly. Unable to be explained away among the neighborhood gatherings, but instead hidden deep for years to come.
If you want to know what happened, it's simple. I lost my innocence. Not by my choosing, but through the actions of someone who should have known better. I was 6 or 7 when it first happened.
The hardest part is finally letting go. I realized that as I drove by today. I'm done with the hurt that I came to experience there. I don't have any desire to go hang out there. I really don't need the onslaught of memories. I do love some of the people that formed that part of my life, but I don't want to go to any reunions or even sit down over a meal. Some of them might not like what they see in my eyes if we were to sit across from each other. A lot of hurt and sadness. A little anger. An innocence gone, and I'd love to just ask "why?", "why did you take that away?"
A am finally LETTING IT GO! And it is that easy. I've done the leg work. I've looked at it from an adult's perspective. A perspective of a Father. I won't be casual with how I talk to my kids about life. I NEED TO KNOW THEM!
So Short Street - you LOSE! I am tired of hurting because of you. Because of what happened there.
Rest in Peace.
Chad
Thursday, July 25, 2013
shed
verb (used with object)
1. to pour forth (water or other liquid), as a fountain.
2. to emit and let fall, as tears.
3. to impart or release; give or send forth (light, sound, fragrance, influence, etc.).
4. to resist being penetrated or affected by:cloth that sheds water.
5. to cast off or let fall (leaves, hair, feathers, skin, shell, etc.) by natural process.
Many ways I've heard the word used. "Shed a tear." "Shed skin."
The definitions above can tell some of what my thoughts are today. It's time to do a little 'shedding'. Time to let go of some things. Release the grip I've had in some areas and TOTALLY remove other people, places and things that have kept me from moving forward in this journey.
Before I can truly add some of the bright new horizons to my list of places to go and see - experience, I have to have room to grow. To move on without the weights that try to hold me down...
1. to pour forth...
2. to emit and let fall, as tears.
These two pretty much go hand in hand. They are the realization that I am mortal. I hurt. Life sometimes stings and I do sometimes just sit down and cry. I don't think you can truly be healthy without some tears in your life. I need them at times to wash away bitterness, fear, hurt - but I've also cried just this week out of PURE joy. A cry from realizing that there is still more ahead and I'm just wanting to see what each new day holds. Shedding some tears!
3. to impart or release; give or send forth (light, sound, fragrance, influence, etc.).
Shed me some experience!!! I am now finally at a place where I know ME. I know who I am. I know my past, and my struggles. I know what I want from life and I can actually voice this (most of the time :-P ). As I'm walking now, I can actually say that I have perspective and I know that there is enough in my past that allows me to see what lies ahead with a little more certainty and confidence.
4. to resist being penetrated or affected by:cloth that sheds water.
"Water off my back". I think that's the phrase. It reminds me of having things just bounce off like the bullets that are shot at Superman's chest. YOU CAN'T HURT ME UNLESS I ALLOW YOU TO HURT ME! Some of you will get that. Others may not. Here's the skinny - If you hurt me, it's because I've allowed you to get close. I've allowed you to know me and I'm up for the possibility of some heartache. I don't want to get hurt, but I also know that you can't truly live without feeling some pain. Those that I truly hold close to me are dear, precious people who know how tender I am if you are my family - those I love. But if you're a stranger, someone I haven't let inside, then you really have such a small possibility of truly hurting the man I am.
5. to cast off or let fall (leaves, hair, feathers, skin, shell, etc.) by natural process.
Shed some WEIGHT! I've actually lost just over ten pounds this summer. Didn't purposefully look to do that, but it happens. It's been good to be back to a place closer to what I want to weigh, to feel. But this one is a little deeper. Like a reptile (notice I'm not using the Ssssss reptile by name LOL) sheds it's skin, it's time to let some physical things go. Maybe a change of scenery? I've been in the northern suburbs for about 12 years. Something up there just seems to linger of the past I'm letting go of, and I want to open my eyes to places and surroundings that lift my spirits. I have some dear friends still there, but I just need the room to breathe.
We'll see on this one.
So a little 'shed' time is in order. I'm glad for the opportunity to walk into the next part of my life. One step, one day at a time. But with some really cool horizons in the distance!!!
1. to pour forth (water or other liquid), as a fountain.
2. to emit and let fall, as tears.
3. to impart or release; give or send forth (light, sound, fragrance, influence, etc.).
4. to resist being penetrated or affected by:cloth that sheds water.
5. to cast off or let fall (leaves, hair, feathers, skin, shell, etc.) by natural process.
Many ways I've heard the word used. "Shed a tear." "Shed skin."
The definitions above can tell some of what my thoughts are today. It's time to do a little 'shedding'. Time to let go of some things. Release the grip I've had in some areas and TOTALLY remove other people, places and things that have kept me from moving forward in this journey.
Before I can truly add some of the bright new horizons to my list of places to go and see - experience, I have to have room to grow. To move on without the weights that try to hold me down...
1. to pour forth...
2. to emit and let fall, as tears.
These two pretty much go hand in hand. They are the realization that I am mortal. I hurt. Life sometimes stings and I do sometimes just sit down and cry. I don't think you can truly be healthy without some tears in your life. I need them at times to wash away bitterness, fear, hurt - but I've also cried just this week out of PURE joy. A cry from realizing that there is still more ahead and I'm just wanting to see what each new day holds. Shedding some tears!
3. to impart or release; give or send forth (light, sound, fragrance, influence, etc.).
Shed me some experience!!! I am now finally at a place where I know ME. I know who I am. I know my past, and my struggles. I know what I want from life and I can actually voice this (most of the time :-P ). As I'm walking now, I can actually say that I have perspective and I know that there is enough in my past that allows me to see what lies ahead with a little more certainty and confidence.
4. to resist being penetrated or affected by:cloth that sheds water.
"Water off my back". I think that's the phrase. It reminds me of having things just bounce off like the bullets that are shot at Superman's chest. YOU CAN'T HURT ME UNLESS I ALLOW YOU TO HURT ME! Some of you will get that. Others may not. Here's the skinny - If you hurt me, it's because I've allowed you to get close. I've allowed you to know me and I'm up for the possibility of some heartache. I don't want to get hurt, but I also know that you can't truly live without feeling some pain. Those that I truly hold close to me are dear, precious people who know how tender I am if you are my family - those I love. But if you're a stranger, someone I haven't let inside, then you really have such a small possibility of truly hurting the man I am.
5. to cast off or let fall (leaves, hair, feathers, skin, shell, etc.) by natural process.
Shed some WEIGHT! I've actually lost just over ten pounds this summer. Didn't purposefully look to do that, but it happens. It's been good to be back to a place closer to what I want to weigh, to feel. But this one is a little deeper. Like a reptile (notice I'm not using the Ssssss reptile by name LOL) sheds it's skin, it's time to let some physical things go. Maybe a change of scenery? I've been in the northern suburbs for about 12 years. Something up there just seems to linger of the past I'm letting go of, and I want to open my eyes to places and surroundings that lift my spirits. I have some dear friends still there, but I just need the room to breathe.
We'll see on this one.
So a little 'shed' time is in order. I'm glad for the opportunity to walk into the next part of my life. One step, one day at a time. But with some really cool horizons in the distance!!!
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Something Worth Waiting For
Two years ago I was miserable. I was hurting and felt alone in this world.
I didn't smile.
Then I felt some things inside me opening up and my world started to slowly change. I found the part of me that I thought was missing and I started rebuilding me, Chad.
It took those two years to get to here.
Two weeks ago I had decided that finding someone who really met me and fit with me were just about impossible. I had met several who were close, but there was always a hesitancy. Was I willing to settle on some things to not be alone?
For the first time I truly believed that finding true love, a deep love was just about done. My life wasn't bad. I knew that there were many people around me who cared about me and wanted me to be happy.
My kids even said they wanted me happy.
Then I go on a hike around Stone Mountain and something changes.
She was there.
I had noticed her since the first hike she came on early in the year. I remember never feeling like I had opportunity or even reason to talk to her. But I noticed her. At first that she was attractive. Then, when I hurt myself on that same trail a couple of months later, she showed compassion. Just enough for me to truly notice her. See something more inside.
Then she was gone and I was out for several weeks.
I saw her again three weeks ago. This time we talked. This time there was more. I knew that there was something drawing me to her. I fought with this in my head, not wanting to believe my own thoughts. And before the end of the hike I knew that I had to somehow get in touch with her. To see if there was anything there. We met later that week...
She has changed my world in a few short weeks. I think that it's mutual.
Some times what you are looking for is just around the corner, waiting for the right moment - hopeful that you'll listen to the voices guiding you together. And when you finally are together, two people finding answers to questions, smiles shared and hopes reborn...
I've waited most of my life for this. I won't take a moment for granted.
I didn't smile.
Then I felt some things inside me opening up and my world started to slowly change. I found the part of me that I thought was missing and I started rebuilding me, Chad.
It took those two years to get to here.
Two weeks ago I had decided that finding someone who really met me and fit with me were just about impossible. I had met several who were close, but there was always a hesitancy. Was I willing to settle on some things to not be alone?
For the first time I truly believed that finding true love, a deep love was just about done. My life wasn't bad. I knew that there were many people around me who cared about me and wanted me to be happy.
My kids even said they wanted me happy.
Then I go on a hike around Stone Mountain and something changes.
She was there.
I had noticed her since the first hike she came on early in the year. I remember never feeling like I had opportunity or even reason to talk to her. But I noticed her. At first that she was attractive. Then, when I hurt myself on that same trail a couple of months later, she showed compassion. Just enough for me to truly notice her. See something more inside.
Then she was gone and I was out for several weeks.
I saw her again three weeks ago. This time we talked. This time there was more. I knew that there was something drawing me to her. I fought with this in my head, not wanting to believe my own thoughts. And before the end of the hike I knew that I had to somehow get in touch with her. To see if there was anything there. We met later that week...
She has changed my world in a few short weeks. I think that it's mutual.
Some times what you are looking for is just around the corner, waiting for the right moment - hopeful that you'll listen to the voices guiding you together. And when you finally are together, two people finding answers to questions, smiles shared and hopes reborn...
I've waited most of my life for this. I won't take a moment for granted.
Monday, July 15, 2013
Time
Time is marked in some pretty interesting ways...
Time can also be measured in much more heartfelt ways.
Time spent sitting across from a beautiful lady at dinner, conversing for hours...
Miles trekked across hilly terrain in the pouring rain...
Days spent finding out more about how two people connect...
But to truly measure time in these memorable ways, there sometimes needs to be a paradigm shift from old and unhealthy thinking. To move on may mean to shed more than just the notion of time, it may take truly embracing the future that lies ahead. It may take letting go of ornamental devices that track each moment to find something so fluid that grows and bends as the days move on.
And sometimes a symbol of this may involve actually doing something to mark that TIME.
I went up a mountain this weekend, actually three. At the top of the most remote one I left part of my past.
Now on to the future...
The sun going across the sky.
The seasons.
A lifetime.
A watch.
Time spent sitting across from a beautiful lady at dinner, conversing for hours...
Miles trekked across hilly terrain in the pouring rain...
Days spent finding out more about how two people connect...
But to truly measure time in these memorable ways, there sometimes needs to be a paradigm shift from old and unhealthy thinking. To move on may mean to shed more than just the notion of time, it may take truly embracing the future that lies ahead. It may take letting go of ornamental devices that track each moment to find something so fluid that grows and bends as the days move on.
And sometimes a symbol of this may involve actually doing something to mark that TIME.
I went up a mountain this weekend, actually three. At the top of the most remote one I left part of my past.
Now on to the future...
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