SAFE

“Safety is a funny word.  We take it and use it, but often the places we deem ‘safe’ are full of lies.  They don’t keep us safe, only hidden.  They don’t protect us from anything except the truth.  The safety that I thought I had found was really just a cave that I pulled my heart and my mind into to escape.  It began with simple fantasies, but would grow to be this whole other world where NO ONE COULD EVER MAKE ME FEEL THAT WAY AGAIN.  I was safe there.  My own Fortress of Solitude.  And it was great…

…until the walls cracked.  And it all went away.”

- from Chapter 1: Bound

I’m going back through it all again.  Not as a vivid reminder of the pain.  But as a way of continuing to gain understanding and move forward.  It’s hard, but it is the one thing that allows some of the residual pain to be shed and new memories take their place.

I don’t want to hide.  We as a society are very good at hiding.  Hiding from the truth.

There is a truth that can be leveling to your spirit.  But the only way to live is to face the truth.  Embrace even the dark parts of it and moving into the morning.  That’s the really cool part of life.  We have the opportunity to start fresh every 24 hours.  With the waking sun comes a new horizon.  A clean slate in some ways.

So this morning I’m iced in with most of Atlanta.  I’m sitting beside this gorgeous lady, watching TV and thinking of the things that have given me hope and purpose in the last several years. 

A new day.

Looking Up

I looked at her, eye to eye.  And I knew.

I wanted more with her from the night we sat and talked under the stars.  She took my breath away.  I found her pain to be part of me.  Her joys were ones I wanted to share.  I looked into her eyes and saw something...

...maybe...

...my future.

So fast forward.  Seven months later and it hasn't changed.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I find that in everything - the tears we've both shared, the things that have already challenged and asked more of us - I find my heart still growing WITH her!

I'm not "home" tonight.  Whenever she's away I know that part of me is resting somewhere else.  But my love, this lady that I want to find solace with is still resonating inside me.  I'll be 'home' when we're both back together.  

I'm so aware of the impact this has had on my life.  I am still growing into letting one other person really and truly get to know me.  FAULTS and ALL!  I have been a nomad, a wanderer through most of my life.  I sought something concrete and real, but couldn't let my own pain be seen by anyone.  

So I heard her voice on the line.  It was late the next night, and we talked throughout the night.  

I am still realizing that there is a better place.  This place where my heart wants to, and can finally start to let go - to not worry and doubt.  And I'm sitting writing.  My voice is being heard - even though it's strained from years of misuse.

So I'm looking up.

And loving the view!

Afraid to Speak

I've read it several times.

"You literally know nothing about (him)... There is absolutely no way you can realistically draw any sort of comparison between you and him.  Saying that you "sense" him is blatantly impossible, be as that you have absolutely no baring on what kind mind of man he was or personality he possessed. Furthermore it is downright insulting to read your words that indicate otherwise... "
                     ~ Anonymous

The comments were "Anonymous", but that doesn't take away the sting.  Whenever I post something on here I know I take the chance of getting feedback - Hell, I encourage it just by opening up.  But this one was different.  It was written to send a message - a message I would gladly accept, if not the veil that shrouded it's author...

So why does it prick me when this someone criticizes, actually venomously stabs at what I considered a pretty heartfelt statement from me?  Why does it start to swell inside me and even touch on the feelings I held all those years ago when I was Afraid to Speak?

Because this person didn't come to me and tell me that I was wrong, but lashed out without a face or a name.  Cowardice.  It is the same sort of fear-based rhetoric that silenced be during my own periods of torment - hurting - pain.  But it is even deeper than cowardice.  It is not based in just fear, but in hate.  Anger.  Ignorance.

I challenge the hearts of those who actually take time to read or hear my thoughts to continue to add what you will to them.  But don't hide behind a faceless comment.  I'm much stronger than that.  Are you?  

And those who have called me out when I was wrong - face to face - without hiding.  You are my heroes and kindred spirits.  We can agree or disagree without the shame of hiding who we are...

But to you, Anonymous one - 

Go to Hell!

I'll never be silenced AGAIN!!

 

All In

In poker, it's that scene so overdone in the movies that puts one character with THE HAND OF HIS LIFE and a stack of chips in front of him.  The tense moment as the other players decide how much they're willing to risk, how much they believe in what they have in their own hands.

And the hero takes a breath... Releases it... And pushing every chip I front of him to the center, holding nothing back says "I'm all in!"

That's how I feel.

I've looked at the hand that I was dealt - taken all the years of playing... wound up in a place i felt pretty good about - then was dealt the best hand I've ever seen.  YOU can't just walk away from such a moment.  

Taking a Breath...

Holding nothing back, 

"I'm all in!"

The choice is clear

Love chooses us.

We don't pick love, it comes toward us and picks us up - usually out of something that we wouldn't have ever expected.  And it can take us to a place that we thought we would never find.

And it hurts at times. But if you don't go through the pain, there's no gain!  All you can do is realize that it is worth it. That what you were seeking, you found.  It's silly to think that we humans could fall out of love when really love wraps us up and moves us along.  Sometimes the tests that we're put through in this journey seem to be more than we can handle.  But I firmly believe that when it is true, when love truly prevails, that you can make it through anything.

I hurt my best friend last night. I just was expressing my thoughts and feelings, but it hurt her and I feel terrible about that.  I won't fall out of love with her because we had an argument. I want to see her more right now than I did even before, and that was quite a lot to begin with.  I want to look in her eyes and tell her that I'm sorry that I hurt her, and that I want to find out what makes the two of us tick in areas that we haven't figured out yet.  I want to stand beside her through the worst and the best.

Because I know that I didn't choose this love, it came and found me out of years of struggling to see if it could be real. When my belief and hope in something greater was fading fast, love found me.

I believe that love (and a special guiding force) brought Jenelle and I together.  And I know it is a bond that will stay, even through hard nights and tired mornings.

I love you gorgeous!

All of Me

All of me, 

doesn't always seem to be

The best of me, 

unless you know a little more

Knock three times, and open the door

All I have, 

doesn't seem so very much to give

And I'm often waging battles in my head

Each moment's struggle, to be put to bed

But look at me!

Ive fought a 1000 battles, 

and coming free

I know the harder days are when I breathe

And I'm thankful for each breath, 

and I believe

I'm Moving into the best of me

So if I cry, 

and shed a tear or two from my eyes

I know that as I lay in bed at night

In the morning, 

comes a brand-new light

I find myself still striving for what is right

And dreaming of so much more in life

Than I had before, 

A hope that comes, hear it, it's knocking at the door...

1/21/14

clc

 

 

Goin' on a Bear Hunt

"we're going on a bear hunt...
(echo)
I'm not scared
(echo)

We're gonna catch a big one...
(echo)"

Why in the world some adult is going to take a group of elementary school kids into the woods in search of a BEAR is INSANE!!!!!  But it's a cute song and it illustrates a lesson I'm having to learn right now.

"grass" - the first obstacle.

"Can't go over it.  Can't go under it.  Got to go through it!"

So this isn't your bermuda or fescue lawn that we are so fond of in the city and suburbs.  This is TALL, Gigantic, Corn-stalk high grass.  

Who knows if there are obstacles or pitfalls in the grass.  Who cares!  Remember we're on a "bear hunt".

So the song progresses and according what version you know can go through grass, a tree, a cave.  It seems that we find these things in our everyday as well.  And the lesson.  Sometimes you just have to keep on keeping on.  Stop stopping.

I am sure that bear hunting is far from my desire - though I've seen two last year on the trails.  But I need to keep on.  No matter the walls that get placed in front of me.  The pits that lay at my feet.  The hills that I have to climb.  Even the cave.  And the bear.

I have to face them all.  I have to remember that I'm alive on this journey and won't relent to the fear that can come from the 'bear'.