Not Easy Being Green!

I wear a lot of green. Earthen tones - browns, tans, khaki, grey.

What I don't wear much of is Red. Orange, Purple.  Bright colors.  I wonder sometimes if it's because I've always wanted to kind of blend in.  To hide.

It's not that easy being green
Having to spend each day the color of the leaves
When I think it could be nicer being red, or yellow or gold
Or something much more colorful like that

It's not easy being green
It seems you blend in with so many other ordinary things
And people tend to pass you over 'cause you're
Not standing out like flashy sparkles in the water
Or stars in the sky...

But I want to be bright!  To be like the colors of the rainbow.  To find more times when I look to the skies after the rain to hopefully glimpse a rainbow, and smile!

Kermit sang this.  And I know that even if I don't always wear bright clothes, that there are parts of my spirit that are brighter than anything I could have ever imagined. Getting brighter every day when I realize that I have more hope than I've ever had in my life.

Frustrating days come, and we have to go through those.  I just want to take the hand of the one I love, walk and talk, smile and laugh!

The lovers, the dreamers and ME!

Divorcing the Past

I've been through it.  It's not something I would wish upon anyone.

The process is a grueling stretch even under the 'easiest' circumstances.  With the added dimension of children, houses, retirement, etc. it becomes a nightmare.

Our past can be the same.  There may come a point where you have to STOP living in it and let it go.

I know it's what we have to draw on - our experiences.  Our memories.  But I've spent the better part of my life running, fighting, enduring what that past made me.  It's not always healthy.

So I am going to lay out the paperwork.  Set the terms.  Knowing that there will always be some lingering memories and thoughts.  Maybe even a good one or two.  But there needs to be a final decree.

Divorce it.

Draw solid boundary lines.

Let it be.

And find out what this life is with a fresh start, a new love, and some healing of my own...

Part 2

I saw his picture for the first time in years.  I've never sought him out.  Never wanted to see him face to face again.  Unsure what my reaction would be to any contact.  But there he was.  Mysteriously in my "people you may know" section.  After three years of never seeing anything on Facebook, it wasn't until two weeks ago that I saw him.

It brought tears.  Anger.  Confusion.

I'm tearing up just thinking about it - but this has to be written.  More for me to move through the residual pain than anything else.  This is the way that I work through it.  Pen to paper (well, maybe more typing to screen).

There is a restlessness inside when I think about how I had to hide.  Hide from myself.  Or hide myself.  Not sure which one is correct.  I've confronted my past in many ways.  I see that there is a developing story that I have the chance to write the ending.  The horror that I've known is just a memory.  It still resides, but it is only a lingering spirit that I know fades more and more with time.

But this time I actual saw the face.  The face of the man-child who would destroy any hope of a normal childhood.  But he's aged.  Has a family.  Has a wife and was smiling.

Part of me wants him to suffer.  But another part of me just wants to forget.

I've struggled the last couple of weeks with this.  But pushing down my feelings is never healthy.

I am MAD.  I am Overwhelmed with ANGER.  I am still trying to figure out how and why...

My scars run deep.  I've seen how it has directed much of my life.  Steering me into waters deeper than I was ready to swim in.  I'm one of the lucky ones though.  Somehow I found something deep inside that wouldn't die.  When everything around me was a storm, I found that I just wasn't willing to drown.

Oh, there are days when I feel it.  Right now and over the last weeks I've felt it.  But I don't want my life to be defined by my hurts.  I want more.

I went to lunch with my son today.  He's still such a kid.  I know that there is stuff going on emotionally inside him.  I know that he has gone through a lot with me not being there everyday and some of the pain of life that is just part of growing up.  But I wish him the fullness of growing into maturity - just a little at a time.  I want him to have no questions about who he is.  Let him find it with a smile on his face and a fullness in his heart.

I want to protect him.  But I know that there will be times of pain.  He's so much of me - and maybe that's part of this.  I get to see him grow in a different light.

I'm still unsettled by the face on the screen.  But I have faith.  I know that my life still has a lot of growth to come.  Seems like every day there is something new.

SO I CONTINUE THE JOURNEY...

from Georgia to Maine

2,181 miles.

The Appalachian Trail

Those who hike it straight through from it's beginning on Springer Mountain in Georgia all the way to Mt. Katahdin in Maine are 'through hikers'.  

Some take it in shorter increments.  These are "Section Hikers".

I am personally only twenty miles shy of doing the small amount in Georgia - about 80 miles.  Nothing compared to the challenge that those who put aside their lives to conquer the beauty and beast of the entire length.

But this weekend Jenelle and I took to the trails for an overnight trip from Amicalola Falls to the Start - the southern terminus to this great adventure of a hike.  We were just there to get our legs moving and spend a night in Nature's Call.  Along the way we ran into several that were starting the trek to Maine.  And it made me think.

Doesn't it take a special mentality to even fathom such an undertaking - let alone complete it?

• To do the full length one way can take anywhere from 5 - 7 months.  
• To weather the vast array of conditions.  
• To carry your house, your food, your clothing in a pack strapped to your back.  
• To leave the technology and civilization we are so accustomed to and disconnect from the world.
  
  

I don't know if I have the stamina or strength of will to do it.  And right now I'm just wanting to get the rest of Georgia completed.  But I do know something of the mindset that says "Nothing is going to stop me.  I'm not going to let anything stop me moving forward on this journey."

Every day.

Today I had to face some bad news.  I am bummed.  I am also frustrated.  But I can't sit and wallow.  I know that there will be other opportunities.  Other 'trails' and trials to face and forge ahead on.

So even if my feet never make it all the way to Maine - to Katahdin, I know that I'll push forward in the life that I've chosen.  The life with a new love, more time with my precious kiddos, and continuing to Traverse the Day!

March 31, 1973

Every life has a beginning. The moment when it awakens into this world.

Just like each spring we see new life, each life has a burst of joy of awakening and coming into this new experience

And just as clearly, each life is marked with death.

There comes a finality to our time here. No matter what your faith or beliefs, we will one day end the experience we have as breathing creatures on this planet.

Today marks a celebration. A reflection into a life lived.

Everyone of us has value, has meaning. Has some purpose here. It may not be totally fulfilled or realized until we have long gone and passed on, but there is a reason. There is a purpose that we were here to breathe, work and carry through on this planet.

Think a moment on what yours is. Don't be so selfish to think that this life is all about you, but think about all those that you affect with your life and how you live.

Only the truly isolated can be found without a mark left on this planet. We leave behind family, friends, loves.  We leave behind the work that we do. And even through struggles, it's looking towards the laughter, towards the times of triumphant victory that need to be our focus even in times of loss.

Remember the celebrations, the times of joy, the times of happiness and laughter.

And as I think about one who I've heard so much about, who has marked part of my life even without ever truly meeting, I reflect on the triumphs even out of despair.

So light a candle, smoke a cigar, raise a toast...

Leave a big enough mark and you're never forgotten. Part of you will be carried on in those who continue to tell your story - all that you did and what you left behind.

Tend the Earth

What do you do for the earth?  

Do you recognize the beautiful world around you?

Do you take the soil in your hands and rend it and prepare it for new life?

Do you find the moments to breathe in the crispness of the coming spring?

We've spent the last several weeks in the yard.  It's an activity I've found that lights up Jenelle's spirit.  We've walked through the garden area of Lowe's and she smiles a huge smile, usually with a cart full of color that will soon be planted, tended.

I may not share the love of this level of gardening or planting, but I do feel more at home when the sun is above my head - the fertile greens are around me and the hills are rolling ahead and behind of me.

I'm most at peace when I can walk in nature.  To feel my spirit rise with the winds rushing through the trees is a place where many of the stresses of life disappear for a time.

And watching her plant the many flowers that paint a rainbow throughout our yard let's me know that she has a place as well to let go and breathe.

Tend to your Spirit.  It will grow on you!

Allen Martin, Man of Character

I wish I was more like him.

I knew him for most of my life.  When he passed, I was aware of a presence that was missing, but it wasn't until much later that I found out just how much of an effect he had upon my entire life.

As I look back today, I notice that he was the one person that I knew I could always go to.  

He was born in Mableton, Georgia.  Across the tracks some would say.  I didn't find out much about his upbringing until I chose to do a report on him in middle school.  Out of the depression, he worked, married the woman he loved, raised a family, built churches and played softball!

I remember the last day that I saw him.  It was shortly before his death and I wept at his feet.  I felt like I had let him down.  It was Christmas 2006 and I was a mess.  My life had started to crumble around me and I spent most of that Christmas morning curled up in a ball in my Aunt's downstairs bedroom.  I remember it as one of the lowest moments of my life.  And I came to him.  After everyone had settle into different parts of the house, I came and just wanted to be near him.

I didn't know it was the last time I'd see him.  He told me that I was going to be ok.

I heard his voice one more time on the phone.  When I called him to seek some sense out of all I was experiencing.

Again, he assured me that I would survive and that I could keep moving forward.

My grandfather was a man of Faith.  A man I always looked to.  I don't necessarily find my faith in the same ways that he did, but much of how I live comes from how he presented himself.  How he always encouraged my writing.  He even had his secretary take some of my early attempts at poetry and prose and type them for me.

I saw him loose his true love.  An event that I will never forget or let slip from my mind.  He met my grandmother when she was just a teen, and they married secretly.  He had only that one love.  She passed of cancer and I stayed with them the summer before she died.  He drove her over an hour once a week to Atlanta to seek treatment.  He pushed her through the doors of the hospital and spent countless hours seeing her through an ordeal that I didn't quite understand even though I witnessed much of it.

I saw him praise her and cry for her.  He loved her.

In college I moved in with him.  I treasure those years as some of the greatest in my life.  He told me to go and to experience.  He had his own life and was dating.  In fact he dated more than I did.  I knew he was there, and I didn't want to disappoint him, but he let me make mistakes and didn't seem to judge me.

He called most of us "George".  and he was always able to find a glimmer of lightness out of even the hardest situations.  He had moments when I lived with him that I saw some of the hard times, but I always knew he had a pretty good grasp on life and how to live it without compromising who he was or what he believed.  And he used laughter often and deeply!

He was always tinkering.  I hated that then.  The cars, the houses, the projects... Oh, but that's the subject of another blog!  He was always working on something, trying something out (often with my Uncle's help).  The city of Carrollton finally made the two of them get rid of some of the used car lot/junkyard on the front lawn!

He loved Baseball and I often sat and watched parts of games with him when I lived there.  It was a love that I share with him now, and as Baseball season is starting, I can see him sitting in the recliner downstairs with the commentators muted - just enjoying the game.  I love that image, and when I stop long enough I find myself enjoying the same.

But the reason this is really on my mind is that I know, even with his faults, and he had them, he was one of the greats.  I miss him.  I miss knowing that I can reach out and talk to him and hear his advice - even when it's contrary to what I wanted to hear.  He was crucial to who I am today.  And I hope that one day, when I am nearing my end, I will be called a "Character", I mean a Man of Character like him!