I am the MONSTER

Yes, I am.

There is nothing that I hide in this.  I am the monster.  It is inside me, part of me.  I am.

There is no uplifting ending coming, I'm just being blunt.  It hunts, feeds, devours, takes hold.  It is part of my subconscious.  Lingering to find the moments I'm willing to let it take the reigns.

I fucking hate it.  And I have continued to fight it everyday for the better part of my life.

You may have seen it, witnessed it, but unless you've been devoured by it, you can never truly get it.

I'm not alone.  THERE ARE MORE OF ME OUT THERE THAN YOU MIGHT THINK. Souls who have ridden the storms of it's deceit and false promises more of their life than they wish.

And until I come to grips with me, the monster remains.  Something I fight.  But maybe one day it will be something I can fully come to grips with and not face it every day, but embrace it.

Maybe.

Outside Voices

Will you let me be?
finding such times to tear apart the fragile parts of me.
Will you move and let me fly?
without pretense or looking for how I've done it wrong, or just not right?
now I find that I can only decide the course
but I am not alone, I can weather this with or without that voice
So let me stand, or let me fail
but I will be the one to rise above, or sink below to dwell.

11/24/17
clc

the process

One side may think that they have won. That they have finally recovered their lost grandchild from the evil of the big city. The other side may feel defeated and betrayed by the loss. I stand in the middle, but this time not worried what either side thinks. I’m doing the right thing. While I can’t understand his lack of motivation, lack of any desire to move forward, I can’t let him stagnate and stay complacent. At the same time, maybe it is the best place for him to go. Instead of being swallowed up by the big city, at least he will be in a familiar atmosphere and have the time to figure out what it is he wants to do.

I hope he will find his footing. Find a passion in something that burns deep and allows him to move forward and be successful. But it’s his turn to figure that out. Stubborn and hardheaded, probably has a lot of me in him, and his mother. It is his turn.

I won’t be too far away. But I am going to give him this chance. Maybe not everyone will understand, but did everyone understand when I wanted to leave so desperately as soon as I turned 18? What about understanding how have I decided to fight for my marriage, and to continue to try to look out after all three of my kids?  I have one who I desperately want to have find her path, just like my son. Let her find a place she fits in, and find where she will be successful. Then there is the little one… such a fun, intelligent bundle of joy.  I’m not gonna be away from him. I’ve already made that mistake before. So there’s going to be a lot of changes coming very soon. Today only marks one. And it is bittersweet. But I also know that it is necessary for everyone to start to find their own way. I’m not abandoning my son. But I’m allowing him to make some decisions, just like I’m having to make decisions on my own.

If you look at my left arm, there is an arrow pointing north. Wonder where that will take me? I have a pretty good clue.

So we all grow, we all change. We all have obstacles and challenges ahead of us, and if we don’t face them, they clog the machine and interrupt the process.

Paint Blue the Air (Writing it out)

Cower in the corner

The night still full of horrors of 

What did I do wrong?

Don't understand, this is what I would become

A man plagued with uncertainty

Unleashed demons, that I didn't breed

From someone else's demented soul

Now I get the gift of never being whole

Child of 5, 6 and 7

Knew much more of hell than any real heaven

Though no one else knew anything happened

"Remember, this is our secret"

Just a 'normal' boys world

At least it's all I knew, how could I ever tell?

Tainted right from the beginning

Though for a long time I forgot remembering

Cause it just didn't seem everything was right

I was growing, learning, figuring wrong from right

So instead of words, I found the silence

In keeping secrets, built my own solace

In places no one could touch, deep inside my mind

Where no man, no one would ever find

But my lust, my young hungerings 

Played out into dressing on top of teenage dreams

The young man who went to church

Was possessed of feelings that would make many burn

And that's the way I learned survival

Bare essentials to protect and hide from

The good, the bad, the holy and hell

You'd never know how much I felt I'd failed

Miserable, but inside there's something

I found that no scar could ever keep me

From looking at the skies above

Thought of heaven, rock-n-roll and love

This kid dared to dream beyond this planet

And the shadows that I wouldn't dare let

Keep me from something more

(Though most days it was just waking, getting out the door)

Then fear came back.

Right in front of me.  He stood. Like an attack.

And to him, it was like nothing had happened,

Hell, I'd never ratted him out, kept his 'secret'

Maybe twenty years might heal some wounds

But that day, it was all back, too, too soon.

I didn't flinch, instead I kept my composure

And in that greeting, no one noticed

The little explosions going off inside my head

Slowly crippling my emotions, wished I was dead

The place I kept those secrets 

was the only retreat I could find quickly

And I went there, hoping to never come out

And for a few years, I even thought I'd found

New life, new passions, revival

But it's never gone.  There's always a little pain.

Once you face it, with faith that you can stand

Those tears still flow, some days hard as rain

Shudder like thunder, find lightning in your veins

But the storms pass...

And life flows again.

I don't know where he is, nor do I really care

There was a time I wanted nothing more, than to make the world aware

But even though I hate him, as the child who didn't have a choice

I no longer want to destroy him, but I'd like him to hear this voice...

"I am no better or worse than you.  I am just as broken.

I just wish you knew all the years you've taken, stolen.

I'll answer for my sins one day soon.

You will too."

When I cower in that corner, when night hits hard and I fail.

I still may cry, retreat inside, sometimes weep and wail.

But I have the right to get up. Leave that 'me' behind.

Find peace in better moments, know I'm not losing my mind.

Sunrise comes, even though there was a day I didn't care...

I don't chose the clouds to break, vanquish night or paint blue the air.

I just find those simple moments to laugh (yes) and breathe.

The past is what it is, the days ahead are up to me.

6/7/17 

clc

cour·age

noun

1. the ability to do something that frightens one.

"he called on all his courage to face the ordeal"

2. strength in the face of pain or grief.

"he fought his illness with great courage"


The cliff stood right in front of me.  The drop would be deadly.  I've been here before.  There's nothing that rivals the terror of total hopelessness, total despair.  I stood there once before and shrugged it off.  Stood there again and actually stepped...  But that time I was given the chance to undo some of the hurts that bound my spirit.  This time I didn't even approach.  Instead I called out...

"Help!!!! I need Help!!!"

Recently I had to stop and to recognize the world around me was crashing.  That all I had kept in place for so long was falling down around me.  And as much as I felt I was in a good place, I had to take a step back and realize that I needed help.  


So here I am.

I am not a coward.  I do have moments that I run.  I have had those my entire life.  But then there are the times I turn and fight.  Not fighting my wife, my kids, the corporate monster that I work for, but fighting the demons that have haunted parts of my soul since a child.  Quite honestly, fighting the hopelessness that used to overwhelm most every day.  And in those times of standing, fighting, I've learned and grown the most as a child, and a man.

I am SCARED!! 

I am quite petrified at times right now by the unknown.  But I do realize that I can let it make me freeze, stop and become mired in my own muck, or I can face the unknown with the realization that it doesn't control me.  Take charge of me.  Let myself be vulnerable to the ones I want to open up to, and shield myself from the pain that comes from those who want to cause it.

I have made serious mistakes that need to be reckoned with.  But I have also decided to reach out and to find HELP!  I am still deeply entrenched in the battle.  But I have decided to not turn tail and run, but to Fight.  Fight for the life I want.  Fight for the hope of a future with my wife. A new direction for the family I have, the ones I love so much.  Fight for the path my heart, mind and spirit will take.

But to do this takes courage beyond just the words.  September 1st I knew things were different.  That instead of living in a state of delusional euphoria, that I would face my recent decisions and move forward.

I am unwilling to run.  

I am unwilling to let my decisions go unanswered.

I am unwilling to live the life I was living.

I am unwilling to just say goodbye to my heart without a fight.

Fight with love, with actions, with deeds, with words that have a foundation in the deeper truth of my being.

I am.

I am Here.

I am beaten down, medicated, analyzied and still fully devoted to reclaiming the world, the life I want.  

Hopefully with her.  Hopefully with some semblance of a promise we made each other years ago.

Hopefully.

But I have to stand.  To keep moving on regardless.

I may not be the most courageous, but I'm learning that the best way is through an honest vulnerability that may open up eyes and hearts to my true self.

So as I'm spending the next couple of weeks on medical leave, I know it's for me to find some time to reflect, to gain perspective.  To write out my heart and the answers that I need to give. Maybe even add some questions that I need to find the answers to as well.

Courage.

It's in my heart.

Coward

1. a person who lacks the courage to do or endure dangerous or unpleasant things.

Maybe I am a coward.  I've been told quite clearly that I was one today.  And maybe that's the truth.  I will not deny that I ran.  That when things got beyond anything that I could reasonably endure that I shut down, that I turned off inside any reason, any sense, any judgement.

So here I begin.

Upon the hard events that happened in Washington this past July, I left.  I stepped outside my marriage.  I felt like it was all over.  Divorce was the only thing that I had on my mind.  I will tell the specifics, as I can best unravel them to the people that matter most, Jenelle, my family, my closest friends.  But below I need to say some other things as well.

Jenelle is a good woman.  We've had our differences, our fights, our major disagreements, but she is a good woman.  She willingly took on the mantle of "stepmom", and not the evil kind, she tried to establish a relationship with my kids from the onset, and opened up her home and heart to them.  She was the first to push at the kids coming to live here when their mom died.  I was still trying to figure out the bigger picture of having us all together, yet she immediately opened up.  We struggled together, but who wouldn't with all that transpired.  I don't wish the situation on anyone.

I did my best to find the balance with everyone, but it was difficult with a newborn, two teenagers new to Atlanta, a young marriage and two cats.  I was overwhelmed.  But we pushed and we tried.  Continuing to figure out this new life.

Jenelle has been through a lot of tragedy in her life.  She lost her love to a long battle with PTSDs.  Widowed early and always wanting a family, I know how strong she is.  She has weathered storms that many wouldn't ever have made it through.  And when we met I knew that there was something about her that I fell hard for.  That I loved.  

I have had my struggles with life as well.  And though I've gone about it many different ways, I have tried my best to move through the times of adversity.  And me being here, breathing is a huge statement.  I have a lot of scars in that area, but I also have some great victories of heart and spirit.

So recently I couldn't find the way to get back to the heart.  Jenelle and I both had a lot to figure out.  And we went through some pretty hard moments. But even when we were at our worst, she tried.

I did too, but it just wasn't the same.

I know there are things that she and I need to discuss, in detail, but I want to do this openly right now.  I want to apologize for the things that I have done in our relationship that have openly, or covertly hurt and tread upon her.  Our finances, the selling of a house with memories, the loss of Radar (cat), the inability to have the needed conversations about renovations, the loss of trust with taking on that project, the rift that was built as we tried to guide the kids through a new life here in Atlanta, the loss of "us", the checking account, and more, including the acts of the last several months.

I ran inward.  So if I'm a coward, let's start there.  I have always run there.  From the struggles early on, to my first thoughts on talking about them - only to realize that most would rather just sweep things under the rug and not deal with issues of childhood abuse, to the times when I just felt like the world was caving and the only safe haven was inside.  That's always been my refuge.  One I'm leaning on a little today, though I'm sitting here in front of this screen to try and NOT go to far inside, to NOT disappear completely.  

When I was 6 or 7, I ran.

When I was 15, I ran.

When I was 29, I ran.

When I was 34, I ran.  And then I fell.  

Then there were others who I met who also went far inside themselves to escape.  To hide.  To not get swallowed up.

And the little boy actually found some solace in being surrounded by a bunch of guys who also had their demons, their pasts.  For the first time in my entire life, I felt like I wasn't the fucking oddity.  The sideshow act that just wasn't funny.

But all of this is just my past. I don't want to digress too much.  I have ran from my beginnings, and I have run now.  Only I stopped.  About a month ago I realized that the place I wanted to be was right behind me, but I was too stupid, scared, pigheaded, lost to open up and see it as it could be.  And in true Chad, since 2006/2011 (backstory needed to understand those dates), I stopped and instead of running, started to stand.

To better get to the root of things I have asked her to go to counseling with me.  To see if there is anything there to share, to continue, to salvage.  But for me I'm taking the journey back inside my head and heart.  Counseling with a new counselor that I seem to trust a little already.  Journaling and talking with those who I trust and need to open up to.  And MOST IMPORTANTLY not hide myself inside myself.

What I have always wanted in my life was the normal.  But what I realize now is that there is NO NORMAL.  We all have our stories, our chapters.   From the time I was a young kid I wanted a family.  But who in their fucking right mind would want to be with someone so gross and ugly inside?  That was my perception.  And I either did it badly or I really tried, but still the relationships failed.  The opening up was always hard, if not impossible.  And in one instance, the opening up caused serious repercussions throughout the entire household.

All that brings me back to Jenelle.  I am not putting her up on a pedestal.  Just acknowledging the thing that I've always known.  That she is the first person that I've truly, deeply loved.  Loved deep enough to let her inside the maze of my insides.  She caught my attention and held it, even though it would be months before I even really had a serious conversation with her. But even then, I see that the conversations that I've had with her in recent weeks are deeper.  That I want her to know me, and I think she has an image of me, though right now it may be horrific, but to really invest and know the whole me.

So as I am trying to find my heart.  The words.  The truth.  I want her to try and know that maybe I'm a coward at times, but I'm also a real person.  With some serious warts, and some special parts as well.

There will be more to say.  But for now it's just this.

Let me show...

A Hundred Dollar Bill

So he stirred his coffee, mixing the bitter-bean liquid with enough cream and sweetener to make it tolerable (not Seattle's best, regardless of how popular the brand is).  

Her words kept ringing in his ear. 

"My kids would be better off if I was dead.  I can't even pay for the hotel room tonight... no, I don't have any money until tomorrow... I don't know what I'm gonna do."

It was a private conversation, but he had slowed down as he was walking into the store, to hear something that caught part of his attention.  The grocery store is a place where many conversations happen.  And as he had walked in to buy legal addictive stimulants, he couldn't help but hear her words.  Then he was struck by the sincerity, the emotion in the conversation she was having through the phone.

"I'll have a Grande... room for cream."  Nothing stopped the pursuit of coffee.  But she was behind him.  Standing inside the sliding doorway to the store.  And as he waited and went to stir, something more was stirring inside of him.  How could he hear that conversation and just go on as if nothing touched him.

He glanced back at her and took in an older black lady wearing scrubs, probably worked in a doctor's office or something, she looked tired, upset.  But was it really his place to do anything?

Inside, a voice kept telling him to go.....

"Ma'am, ma'am.  I need you to have this!" as he handed her the emergency $100 bill he kept in the back of his wallet.  Her eyes opened wide with the quick gesture of pushing the bill into her hand. "Just those things you said, you have to promise me not to do anything.  Take care of your kids.  Just for tonight.  I hope that it's enough."  

He was walking away when she asked, tears already filing each crevice of her already weary face, "can I pay you back, please".

"No, you already have," he replied.

That Hundred dollars won't mean much to him.  He'll go on without missing out on a meal or having a place to sleep that's warm and dry.  But maybe she was really needing the money, and maybe it will help her get through the night.  He'll never know, but it's the fact that in the moment, a voice that wouldn't let go of his spirit allowed him to reach out and touch another's life in a good, a positive way.  And isn't that more of what this life is really about?

That was my day.