Three Men

There’s a man who I know that left a comfortable life, put a plan in place, and set forth in a new direction for his life. He was an adult, with a Family, a good job, good pay who wasn’t satisfied. He left to go do some good. To follow a calling.

There was another man who was so full of life and a rascal at times, he but he understood me and I’ve always wanted to be more like him.  He had a wild streak too, and was passionate. But he was also much more thoughtful than I am at times. Smart as a whip and able to be real about situations. I’ve heard stories of him racing through the streets of Mableton Georgia as a teenager. I didn’t know that side,  but I knew that he was one who loved me.  He has a son who’s a lot like him. Someone who aggravates and I admire at the same time. When I think of the last name Martin, I think of those two men. Slightly wild, passionate and willing to take a risk.

These were the three most influential men in my life. I’ve got some Martin in me. I’ve got way too much Chatham at times. I’m scared, scarred, at times reckless, but also thoughtful. I’ve Got to take a leap of faith. I’ve Got to find something that makes me me. I’m finally starting to put some of the hurts from the past behind me. I’m no longer willing to be bound by them.

So with tearful eyes I’m going to get my son. He has good men to look up to as well. I just want to be one of them.

3/24/18

clc

Two men...

a sad ending...

Two men sit in a corner bar, 

one alive and breathing, the other gone before

One man sips his beer and stays, 

as the other, the ghost, takes her hand and they walk away...

3/23/18

clc 

Beautiful Trauma

What an unbelievable feeling.  The thought of all the hurts vanishing and there being quiet.  A silence that leads to solace.  A peace that is incomprehensible.  So far removed from the world inside my head.

But I am here.  Still amidst my Self.  In my own Beautiful Trauma.

It will be part of me forever, but instead of being what pushes me and tears me apart from any healthy relationship, family, work, passion, home, it will be a part that helps me see clearer into my next steps.

I've unraveled much of my past.  Had to reach down and go moment by moment through the dark moments of initial seduction.  Then through the lineage that those early endeavors at the hands of my tormentor/friend laid in front of me.  No hope then of finding any solace.  Peace.  Rest.

Now I'm at a much different place.  There are some major battles that are about to be fought, but the most recent steps - unlocking the Story of Me and separating it from the ghost that haunted my last relationship are showing some light at the end of this battle with a fear born long ago.

So I am here.  

I will be free.  

I will NOT be silent. 

I will not go quietly.  

My story will be told - AND SOON!  

Heard by many, some will react with understanding, 

others may cringe and react with their own fear.

I Am Here - Pink

I open up my heart

You can love me or not

There's no such thing as sin

Let it all come right in

I wanna make some mistakes, I wanna sleep in the mud

I wanna swim in the flood, I wanna f*C# 'till I'm done

I like whiskey on ice, I like sun in my eyes

I wanna burn it all down, so let's start a fire

I wanna be lost, so lost that I'm found

Naked and laughing with my blood on the ground

I am here, I am here

I've already seen the bottom, so there's nothing to fear

I know that I'll be ready when the devil is near

I am here, I am here

All of this wrong, but I'm still right here

I don't have the answers, but the question is clear

Let me ask you

Where does everybody go when they go?

Where does everybody go when they go?

Where does everybody go when they go?

Let me ask you

Where does everybody go when they go?

Where does everybody go when they go?

Where does everybody go when they go?

Let me ask you

May the light be upon me

May I feel in my bones that I am enough

I can make anywhere home

My fingers are clenched, my stomach's in knots

My heart it is racing, but afraid I am not

Afraid I am not

I am here, I am here

I've already seen the bottom, so there's nothing to fear

I know that I'll be ready when the devil is near

Cause I am here, I am here

All of this wrong, but I'm still right here

I don't have the answers, but the question is clear

letter

I hate you right now.

There is an anger that burns in me deep and still crackling with the dry pine that chars and blackens my eyes.

You have tied my soul to a stake at its center... trying to kill the last bit of humanity that I felt for you.

And you almost succeeded.  I am blackened, sick with soot and ash.  Struggling to breathe over the longest two weeks I can remember.

But you didn’t.

At this point I am sad, beaten down and weary.  But i also feel sorrow for your burden.  How you walk around with all that inside you and unable to really let it go, the pain, the guilt, the hurt that you hold, I don’t know? The judgements that you put on me, on others, but don’t realize that you too need help to move on.  I wish you would have listened to my own pleadings for you to find solace and help.  But you are too strong for that.  Instead you’ve asked all of us to change.  To bend to your ways.  And you have never been happy with the compromise that had to be.  I’m sorry for that.  But we all have to bend.   

And I still love you.  I may be one of the only people on the planet to see your heart and know how terrified you are at times.  The walls that you build are hard to trace, but they’re there.  I know the good that is there too. Just so much there that covers it up.

Let them down.  Find the answers.  Not in control, but in peace and communion.

I will always have a part of me that is yours, but I know that until you can succumb to a realization of all our faults and humble yourself to another, you’ll never be happy.  I want you to be happy.

I hate you and I love you.  

And if you need me I am here.

Still.  Even after the pain you’ve just put me through.

Chad

02/06/18

my little man

does anyone even read this?  my bullshit writings about a life I wish I had.  a life I've never known...

it doesn't matter.

What matter's is a little boy.  a bubbly, full of life and stubborn-genes boy who can light up the world with his smile, his laugh, his endless questions. "what's that daddy?" "where you at daddy?"

well for almost two weeks now he's been gone. he was taken away without my knowledge.  she took him, without any announcement except a text 5 hours after they left.  taken 12 and a half hours away to permanently move him with her.  It wasn't the plan that we had worked out and told family and friends.  It was premeditated.  She started planning it as I was leaving town for a conference.  these aren't my thoughts, these are facts.  

and I didn't even get to say goodbye.  to play with him for a minute. to stand in the way of her doing what I considered the unfathomable.  my lawyer had asked me on the Wednesday that I left if I trusted her with him.  would she do anything drastic or flee?  I immediately said "no", that's the one place I knew we trusted each other.  or I thought.  how could she do this?  I'd never deny him to her.  I know how much he means to both of us, and I thought we were both looking out for his best.  but now I wonder if that was a lie.

she's starting her life over.  she's moving on.  but i'm his dad. i'm important as well.  he needs me too.

i've had to do things that I thought were never going to be part of my life again.  the horrors of seeing my two older ones being dragged from Atlanta as young ones has been overshadowed by this.  then I was too young and broken to even fight it at first.  now I have no choice.

but I just want to see him.  to hold him close.  to rock him to sleep.  to read to him and just walk and have him ask his many questions.  to sing with me.

why?  why would you do this?  you've broken more than my heart.  I don't understand.  he's not a possession or a belonging.  he's my little man.  I love him so much.

and I miss him.

how do I express that over a video screen or a phone message?

I was willing to do just about anything to be close to him.  now I'm just unsure.

since I know that no one reads this, I'll close.  it's just me at 4:30 am with a heart full of tears.  broken and needing my son.

a dog named Murphy

Between the winter of 2006 and spring of 2007 was one of the roughest stretches of my life.  It was when the abuse of my past first came alive outside my head and the relationship I was in was being destroyed by two people who cared about each other, but both carried closets full of past hurts and suffering.  It was dark, sad and depressing.

I got so low I didn't want to be here anymore.
Obviously I’m still here.

It was also when I first learned what unconditional love was.  And that came from a fuzzy four-legged creature named Murphy!  She was a puppy of a golden retriever, even though she was already two when I got her, that never fully grew up, and taught me what it truly meant to love another being.  And it started at the pound.

She was that special dog.  The one you go back to several times during a visit to the pound.  The same dog that I ended up taking off a day of work to make sure I was the first one in line to get her the day she was available to adopt.  She was going to be our new companion, and never did I realize that she would become much more to me.  She already had pulled on my heartstrings from the very first time I bent down to approach her and she put her paw against the chain-link cage they had her in, just to get my attention.

Over the next five years, as I tried to work through a lot of my own personal baggage, I found that I learned more and more about how to love from Murphy.

Loyal, patient, always excited to see me, nudging me when I needed to be reminded that there was more to life than just the pain that I was going through.  I would come home and I could hear her inside on the wood floors dancing... pitter patter,  just excited to have me open the door, her big frame almost taking me down to the floor as she jumped up to try to be pet and to welcome me with a sloppy kiss.

The first summer we had her I had a dinner we had to go to that involved us leaving her alone at home for an extended time with someone checking on her.  At some point during the evening Murphy decided to play shaker with a bottle of medication that had been left on the counter. We got a frantic phone call saying that she was laying there in a pool of her own feces, unresponsive.  Rushing to her, we weren't sure whether she would make it or not. Fortunately the dog sitter was able to take her to the emergency clinic, and by the time we got there we were forced to make a decision… Do we save her or do we let her go?  It was the first time I truly realized how deep the connection was between me and that dog. Without hesitating I pulled out the credit card.  A thousand dollars later we were told that she would make it, though it would be a rough couple of weeks afterwards.

She never judged me, even when I corrected her she learned and practiced the most loving obedience.  Yes, there were times she went astray, but she always looked back at me with her big silly grin and would lope over to me to be praised and loved.

I wish we all could love like that.  Without pretense or the life crap that I find gets in the way of that simple childlike love that only a silly, beautiful grown-up puppy can provide.

Murphy died last mother’s day.  I wish I could have been with her when she went, but I’m glad I have the good memories of her to keep in my heart.  A heart that she made much larger just by coming into my life.

I am the MONSTER

Yes, I am.

There is nothing that I hide in this.  I am the monster.  It is inside me, part of me.  I am.

There is no uplifting ending coming, I'm just being blunt.  It hunts, feeds, devours, takes hold.  It is part of my subconscious.  Lingering to find the moments I'm willing to let it take the reigns.

I fucking hate it.  And I have continued to fight it everyday for the better part of my life.

You may have seen it, witnessed it, but unless you've been devoured by it, you can never truly get it.

I'm not alone.  THERE ARE MORE OF ME OUT THERE THAN YOU MIGHT THINK. Souls who have ridden the storms of it's deceit and false promises more of their life than they wish.

And until I come to grips with me, the monster remains.  Something I fight.  But maybe one day it will be something I can fully come to grips with and not face it every day, but embrace it.

Maybe.