“We have this treasure in jars of clay”

Maybe it’s in the cracks, the broken pieces that have been sewn back together that the light shines. That in our weakest moments, in our defeats, in our times of falling, failing in the face of the world, the light of God breaks through and illuminates beyond our fragile shells.

Maybe in the moments when we hurt the most is when we see the most. Because that’s when we see the power that comes from a breath, from a touch, from a loving hand of someone we know, but more powerful than any of this is the whisper on the wind of God’s voice. The gentle nudges or sometimes swift kick in the ass that persuades us on. Even if that means to stop and sit for a while, just to be still.

“We have this treasure” inside us and once we’ve been exposed to it, we are never the same. Once you’ve tasted and allowed that sweet nectar to flow through you, how can you go back to something else? Something that doesn’t satisfy.

In a world where we are taught to find what makes us tick, what makes us happy, what makes us fulfilled, maybe the answer isn’t in the world at all. But inside the whispers of a God who loves. In the ancient words of a manuscript that still resonates beyond any billboard or social media post.

In hope. 

In finding peace in the midst of those moments when it just feels like everything’s a little shaky. 

And sometimes, sitting in the darkness, when it feels like there’s not much light at all, there resonates something bigger. Something that is unexplainable to most, but if you know, you understand how God can reach down… This all powerful being can reach down and hold us in our moments of sorrow.

And maybe the treasure inside is just the fact that we are here. That if you have chosen to follow (God) that you know that there are things that will break us, there are things that will tear at us and things that will try to drag us down paths that lead us to misery, but the treasure is inside. And no one can take that away.

“We have this treasure in jars of clay”.  Inside this tender heart.

~ Peace

The Burtle

“For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.”

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭4‬:‭6‬-‭9‬ ‭NIV‬‬

A Higher Power, whom I choose to call God

I’ve proclaimed over the last several years that love is a choice. Sure there are feelings and emotions involved, but the truest form of love comes with sacrifice, patience and with a consistent effort made through action. Even the action of stillness…

I also have come to believe that most, if not all smart humans have a belief system. I’m not necessarily talking about religion or even the god that I was raised with, but I am talking about something deeper that resonates within them. That helps drive them, guides them and sometimes pick them up from the crap… I wanted to say ‘shit’, but I decided to use a different word! 

I’m not trying to push an agenda (yet), but I do think that having a higher power, whatever it is for you is important. 

And look, it can be intellect, it can be your own core sense of accomplishment that comes from hard work and finding the right avenues for your career. It can come from being on your knees and it can come from flying in the clouds. 

So all you smart people, (both of you that read this lol) tell me. What do you believe in? 

And here’s where I side step and bring in my agenda. I’m gonna tell you about my God. And you don’t have to understand and you don’t have to believe, but I just ask you to take a moment and really dig into the fact that I want to hear yours as well. I don’t mind talking about God and also hearing about what other people believe in. It’s one of those topics that some people get real fearful about, but I’ve learned that the more fear we take out of it and the more love we put into it the more bridges we can build between each other. I don’t need you to believe in my God, but I would love to share with you how having something to believe in when I was at my worst saved my life.

Saved me from a tree, from a bottle, from my own stupidity and flesh. 

I thought that the only way that I could find God was to check off all the lists… Sunday morning, serving, showing my face and also doing the right things. What the hell are the right things? I keep reading this book and it keeps telling me that there was this guy who said just follow. He didn’t say you had to be perfect. He didn’t say you had to have your shit together (There goes that word again), he didn’t say that you had to get it all. Take a step. Just believe in something.

Look, I’m pretty passionate about the fact that I’m flawed. That I am more than enough of a project for God to work on trying to make a little better. And for years all I could think was ‘I have to do this better, because if I can do it better, maybe he’ll love me’. And that’s bullshit!

God is love. 

He stands there with his arms open wide, and says ‘I’m here, I don’t need you to be perfect, I just need you to say yes… come to me’.

In late 2020 I found myself on my belly in the sand on a beach near St. George Island. I had fallen while trying to exit this life. And in the cacophony of chaos that was my life, I couldn’t even take my life with success. I was so angry with God. That whole trip was full of me lashing out and telling God how fucking tired I was of everything he proclaimed. And that night it was almost like I heard God’s chuckle when I fell, but it wasn’t God, it was me laughing at myself. At that moment, I was the biggest failure I had ever been. And that’s saying a lot.

It was months later when I finally decided to put down the bottle, find a God of my own understanding.  I found a God that loved me. Just loved me.

Yes, my behaviors have changed, yes my world is so much less crazy, but I didn’t suddenly become perfect. I just became open to the possibility that God could love me and would be there to help guide me. 

I’ve spent the last four years trying to figure out why. “Why do you love me?”

I may never understand the why, But I do know that I’m here and my life is so much fuller because of ancient stories that I feel are true. Teachings of a God in flesh who walked the earth, who sacrificed for me when I didn’t deserve it. Who kept me here, breathing during the darkness of 2020.

So regardless of what you believe, it does matter. I’m not trying to downplay something that may be core to your existence. Honestly, I’d like to know. I do think that if we believe in something that is bigger, that love should be at the core. And if it is, maybe you and I are closer together than we thought. Maybe there’s a bridge to build.

Love is a choice. 

I’m so thankful that he chose to love me.

~ Peace

The Burtle

I just want You to know who I am

Sunday morning I was driving to the church early and a song came on. It was a cover of the pop tune “Iris” made by a new country artist I had put on my playlist to check out at some point. Honestly, I thought it was because of a girl, but I was wrong. 

I know the song well, and as I started to hum along, I froze as I really heard these lyrics… 

“And I don't want the world to see me

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am”

 ~ from Iris, by the Goo Goo Dolls

Tears started rolling down my face. I want to be known. It’s probably the deepest desire in my heart. It’s also the scariest one. It’s a fight inside to be known and not trusting I won’t be hurt in the process.

It’s not so much that I don’t want to be seen by the world, but it’s more that I don’t let the world see the deeper stuff. Those closest to me I do want to be vulnerable with, but before that I want to be transparent with God. Because that’s where it starts; that’s where life began for me - in 1972 and again in 2020.

So the truth is, I’m desperate for God to know me. And also scared at the same time. While I want him to have all of me, I still don’t know why he would want to. And that sometimes blocks being able to be truly transparent. Because I feel like I’m supposed to hide. I was taught that. Even in the religious halls that I grew up in I found that there’s many times we don’t want to ‘take off our shoes’ and truly be who we are.

We wear our fancy clothes, we talk and walk in the ways that are acceptable. But I’m not always acceptable. I’m a fucking nut at times! 

I love God. He is so real and true for me. And I’m not cutting on those who are more comfortable in their clothes than I am. I’m finally getting comfortable in my own skin and part of that is realizing that this whole journey is about relationship… and that starts with the relationship that is first and foremost. 

I often walk around feeling like I’m a pariah, an outcast, a misfit. And I’m learning that is perfectly ok. The man who wandered through Gallilee and Samaria and Israel and all of those old areas speaking truth… He was a misfit too. At least to those who wanted it to be a certain way. 

I crave the acceptance from those who are here around me, but what I want even more is the love and affection that comes from my father. I know God does know me - even when try to hide. 

When he touches my spirit like he did Sunday morning and the tears flow down; I realize the simple truth… 

“ I just want you to know who I am.”

~ Peace

The Burtle

Iris - Cover (click to listen)

Daddy Issues!

Reader warning:

This may be a sensitive topic to all three of you who actively read this blog! 

But that’s what I do. I take where I’m at and try to put my thoughts down as best I can. And sometimes that means it’s a topic I don’t really want to talk about or write about. And definitely not think about, but here we are.

How do you see your father? 

My father is a good man. I can’t say we’ve had the easiest relationship. I know I wasn’t easy and I can’t say that he was either. But I know that he loved me in his way and I’m thankful that I did have a father. My father gave me a taste of faith and also discipline. Took me to work with him at 14 and helped ingrain in me a realization that working is good. It’s something I’ve done my entire life. I don’t feel right unless I’m working. And I don’t mean every moment, but I do know that it’s important to get to the end of the day and know that I’ve done a good days work and rest in that.

I’m grateful I had a father who was there as I was growing up and also was there at one of the hardest points in my life and told me I needed to get help. Even if it was not pretty. 

What I’ve also had for my entire life and even today is a fear of my father. I’ve always felt that I was a disappointment. There’s some valid reasons for that. I’ve never lived up to be the man that maybe he and my mom thought I would be. But I will say this, I’m more grateful for the man I am today than any other man that I could’ve become. If you know me you realize that I took a pretty hard path to get here. Yet I’m here, and I’m breathing.

So I need to have a conversation with my father and it’s nothing incredibly serious, but even now so many years later, I still fear having those conversations. And that’s funny because if you really know me, you know that I don’t mind deep, I don’t mind hard. I don’t mind difficult. Hell you can tell me your shit and I’ll just go ‘yeah, I get it’. But there’s still a part of me that wonders how to talk to my father without having that little gulp of fear that comes in my throat and more so in my stomach.

So what is your view of your father? What if you don’t have a father? Who has been in your life that has helped guide and mold you? Maybe it was a mother? Maybe it was a family member, a foster parent, a pastor, Boys Club volunteer?

We all have different paths, but our views of those in authority over us, those who help guide us or sometimes kick us along, can define how we look at things throughout our life. 

I can say this pretty openly that my father and I are closer now than we ever were before, because I didn’t get him and I’m sure he didn’t get me. It took a pretty extraordinary act to get my ass in gear and realize that it’s OK that I’m not exactly who EVEN I thought I was going to be!

What do you do when you don’t have that guidance? Hopefully you found someone that walks along with you. Because those views of men or elders or women or mentors - they matter. They matter a whole lot. 

Those are the voices that guide us when we just don’t know what to do. And for me, hopefully they echo the voice of God. Because that’s my Father. Yes I have my earthly father, but I’ve ALSO got a Big Ole Daddy in the sky who loves me regardless of how crazy I am, when I fly off the handle, when I run around in circles, when I fall down and cry.

And sometimes there’s a fear of God because of a fear of man. If the only thing you’ve known is hurt, pain, is abuse, how can your view of God be anything but negative? I don’t know?!

My parents gave me a loving home to live in. They didn’t know the turmoil inside. They took me to church and exposed me to faith.  That faith is what guides me. And I thank both of them for that. 

My dad pushed having an education, getting a degree. And even though I don’t teach anymore, I think life teaches me and I can see how the lessons of completing something matters - even if it’s a bachelors degree in six years, though not a doctorate! (Maybe a PHD in life)

One of the greatest things that my father did was push me to follow through. And I didn’t always understand that and I still don’t always know I do it the best. But I try. 

As for that Father up in the sky, well that one loves me unconditionally. It’s one of the best things ever when you just know there’s this big huge loving being that just wants to love us. Who’s right there in all of the crap, in the joy, the hurts, the laughter and in the tears. 

Tell me about your father!

I’d really like to know :)

~ Peace

The Burtle

Like an 80’s John Cusack Movie

I watched the end of High Fidelity the other day. It’s one of the more modern of the John Cusack romantic comedies. It’s a good movie and in true form, outlines the path of one man who is honestly still searching for himself even though he’s pushing 40 in the movie. 

I grew up on these movies. And my life and how I look at things is often formed by thoughts of the hapless lovable loser. Who at some point finally figures it out and makes good. It’s silly. It’s not reality, but actually in some ways maybe there’s more reality there than I’ve thought in the past. You can live in this fantasy and that’s definitely not healthy, but if we look at our lives, I think all of us go through a time where we feel like we’re not good enough, or somebody’s gonna figure out that maybe we don’t have our shit together or maybe we’re just eating ourselves inside because that’s who we are and we have way too many thoughts in our heads.

Better Off Dead, One Crazy Summer, the Sure Thing, Say Anything - all classic JC movies!

I have played those characters over and over in my mind and also in my relationships, often fraught with my own emotional immaturity and desire to be seen, to be known. 

I still fight this. I know who I am. I know that I am a good man and I also know that I struggle with insecurities. I do daily try to push through them. But this vulnerable little heart inside me (and yes, it’s there - it’s tiny, probably infinitesimally smaller than anyone thinks), it’s there. And it just wants to love.

Thankfully, God rescued me from living fully in this fantasy by giving me hope. But does that make it always easy? Hell no! I struggle with the reality that I’m in my early 50s and I am alone. 

I have good people around, I have someone I’ve been talking and walking with, I have my kids. I have a church that drives me bonkers, but at the same time shows love in ways that I don’t know that I’ve ever seen. 

Some days I’m just a fucking mess! And believe it or not, even as I’m writing this, I would rather be a mess and know it than to not have any clue that I’m dealing with stuff. I’m learning still. I’m breathing, and I am still here. 

Because I wasn’t always here. For a lot of my life I was absent. Even if I stood right beside you, I was able to walk through life without being truly enmeshed with what was going on. 

The funny thing about High Fidelity, at the end he figures out a lot of things, but he gets hit immediately with the same thing that he has struggled with, seeking out attention and wanting to be seen by others. It resolves, as movies like this tend to do, and Jack Black sings one of the most amazing renditions of Marvin Gaye‘s classic ‘Let’s get it on’ and it is powerful. Then, Stevie Wonder comes on with a song that I do hope is part of my future.

As I’m driving this morning to take care of some things, to be present with my life group at the church, serve this afternoon, to walk a lot I hope, I just needed to get this off my chest. 

God gave us such a capacity to love. He gave us hope through him. And, you don’t have to believe what I believe, that’s never what this blog is about. I do hope you believe in something though. Because I had a friend this week who lost a daughter because she couldn’t believe in anything bigger. It’s hurting me still that this person decided to leave. In fact, I wrote a blog about it, but that’s one is just for me.

I’m very grateful. Even on a melancholy morning, where I feel like part of me is still in Alabama. I’m grateful that I’m here and sad at the same time. And I think that’s what life does. We have to hold onto both. We have to take the times where we’re joyful and align them with the times when we’re suffering and find peace in them. 

Love on ourselves, then we can love on others. Just my thoughts. 

~ Peace

The Burtle

Love and Kindness, part 2

About a year and a half ago I wrote how I hoped to live my life by showing Love and Kindness to others to the best of my ability.  Others meaning ‘everyone’.  Still a very rough journey at times - navigating this call, this path that I truly believe God set me on.  Not a ministry appointment, not a place of serving in a church (though I do that when I can), but the desire to look at life through the lens of that ‘crazy to the world’ Savior who did just that - showed love and kindness while walking among the people - chastising the religious leaders, welcoming the dirty and sullied, teaching and setting a new commandment for us all.

And this morning the message was on that - Love and Kindness.

So I’m going to steal straight from the message I just heard and add my take on this ‘new commandment’.

Showing love and kindness is a CHOICE. A daily decision to NOT be mean, surly; evil.  Yup, I just said evil.  In our hearts we are evil unless we fill it with the Light.

“He did evil because he had not set his heart on seeking the Lord.”

2 Chronicles‬ ‭12‬:‭14‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I chose to take action.  Simple action of being available, willing, committed (as best this man can) to this cause.  

Then there’s my recent look at 1 Corinthians through the “is” scriptures. My take on how to truly show the L word!

“…is…

Patient

Kind

No envy

Not proud

Honors

Not selfish/self seeking;

Slow to anger

Doesn’t keep score

Does not do evil

Seeks truth 

Protects 

Trusts

Hopes

Perseveres - 

Never Fails.

The Greatest…

…is.”

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

Take away the frilly, feel-good, emotion based version of this and get down to the Choice to Act, Commit and Be… Love.

Showing this to those close to us seems obvious, but what about to our enemy, to a stranger, to those sick - whether physical diseased, mentally ill, addicted, angered souls?

I’m still working on this.  And I fail at it daily.  The course isn’t about a specific outcome - though there are some areas where I pray constantly for the path I’m walking to unfold…

But if we just try a little more to Be Kind.  Show Love. Breathe life/light into darkness. And not my own light, but His…

Holy Shit! What a change that could make!!

Ponder that.  

What if we spent more time being those “is”s from above?

What if I just took a little more time to see others and to show them a little of what saved my ass?!  A bunch of people praying (Thank you BHBC Life Group!), a God that loves, a light that I hope will continue to shine.

Last note:

AND sometimes Love is about letting go.  Holding up an outstretched hand and saying “please take this from me”.  It’s Yours.

~ Peace

The Burtle

Temper

noun

1. a person's state of mind seen in terms of their being angry or calm."he rushed out in a very bad temper"


2. the degree of hardness and elasticity in steel or other metal."the blade rapidly heats up and the metal loses its temper"


verb

1. improve the hardness and elasticity of (steel or other metal) by reheating and then cooling it."the way a smith would temper a sword"


2. act as a neutralizing or counterbalancing force to (something)



It’s like watching a bad reality show, but it’s real life. It’s like seeing a mirror of my past looking through the lens of where I am now. Taking a closer look at a simple word, a word that typically describes all the anger, hurt, unbridled emotions that belch for when we’re upset, tired, hungry or just an ass.

Temper.

I think most of us think of the noun definition first. “That person has a temper! I don’t like their temperament. I’m worried about how they will react” (temper).

And as I’ve sat on the sidelines and watched, actually more listened to the stories of the unraveling of one person’s insides, I have had compassion, disdain, even a bit of hurt because I’ve known that place. 

To stay in that version of the word is typically damaging. Sure there’s the positive side, but most of us may not think about having an even temper.

Then we move to the verb. 

Strengthening of resolve. Improving the strength, flexibility of something. Balancing.

Being able to walk through the fire with some semblance of dignity and holding your head up high while the world is thrashing at you, telling you just how ‘bad’ you are. 

That’s a temper I want. I want to be able to stand with my head held high and not lash out at my enemy. Sure, I’m going to express where I am to people that are close to me. But there’s no reason to go about bashing people who are just as hurt as I am inside. There’s a resolve that comes from digging down and knowing that God‘s got this, even when I don’t, and I just need to show grace and love even in the midst of being slapped in the face. Yep, I said ‘in the midst of being slapped in the face’. Now honestly, am I gonna turn the other cheek? Probably, after I smack them back with my words. I’m human. I’m not above. I just don’t want that to be the ‘go to’.

Do I take every little feeling I have inside and sling it back at those around me? I’m trying not to. 

As I’ve walked through this phase of my life, I’ve found that life is hard. I can’t do it alone. I met with a group of people this morning that love me as I am, who accept me as the broken man who is trying real damn hard. And they’ve helped me express where I am and walk through the times where my emotions are out of kilter, when I’m sad, depressed, or even when I’m just a little too giddy. lol Yes, there have been times in my past where I have been called that. Believe it or not!

So the temper that I want to continue to work on is that of patience, kindness, long suffering, lack of pride, humility. 

Wonder where that will take me? 

And as for the reality show that I’ve been able to watch, I think it’s going to wind down at some point. Anger is hot and it burns really bright, but it can’t sustain. It starts to eat at your insides and at some point it just blows up in its own face. I don’t need that, but I do know that I will try to be a friend for the person who’s going through it. Listening. Then sharing my own experience, strength and hope.

~ Peace

The Burtle