the tender

I wasn’t raised on the tender.

There wasn’t a focus on when he washed his disciples’ feet or the tears that were shed over the passing of his dear friend. When Mary was there listening attentively, I knew Martha was faithfully doing the ‘right thing’.

We didn’t look at the last meal and have any real thoughts about the fact that his followers embraced him in a loving manner just hours before he prayed for them.  Loved them.  Died for them.

I didn’t know love at all.

I knew performance and prophecy and had a pretty good take on the scriptures from the book - at least the ones that were often bellowed from the pulpit. I’m no theologian, but I knew the message that was being taught. Unfortunately, a lot of times it was wrong.

Not wrong because it was a lie, but wrong because the focus wasn’t on grace and forgiveness and accepting as we are. It was on ‘we accept you more - the more you become like us’. Something that still resonates today, I believe.

Somewhere I missed that message. The tender message of hope through the eyes of love. 

And yet that is the one thing that has kept me here. The love of a being that I don’t understand but I still yell at sometimes, even today. I beg and plead and cry to, and realize that nothing works without him. Without this all powerful being that was so stupid-crazy that he came down and walked among us. 

He came to love.

So the journey more recently has been to understand this love thing. It’s nothing new. I can probably pick out at least five or six of my recent blogs that deal specifically with that topic, but today it’s more specifically about the fact that there are so many places that I used to think about the judgment of God that are truly about the Love of God.

And as I’m still working on the fact that he might just accept me as I am today, red eyed and snotty nosed, dripping with depression, I know that he loves me. 

Instead of asking ‘why?’ I just say very quietly…

“Thank You.”

~ Peace

The Burtle

What we carry.

The past can latch on and just NOT LET GO. 

__________

I had a beautiful conversation this evening with an older couple that I truly adore. Whether they realize it or not, in the few interactions that we’ve had I have come to respect and want to know them more.

At one point, we talked about our pasts. More I talked about mine and they listened, shocker… me talking - but I talked because I do feel a trust and a willingness to share with this couple.

The wife asked me about therapy - not knowing that I am so much on the bandwagon of ‘everybody should talk to someone! Get therapy!!’

Then she told me that she had recently started counseling of her own. Man, she’s a fucking superhero! That is huge! I don’t know if she thought I was serious or being silly, but I think it’s one of the most incredible things to find someone in the late fall/winter of their lives still willing to talk and open up. Walk the journey of healing the past.

I carried my past with me for a long, long time and it became so heavy and so damning. It condemned me well beyond the scars of my youth, and it tried to keep me in my pain and addiction. It tried to kill me.

Funny, even Jesus carried the weight… But then he lifted it up on a tree, and gave it to the Father.

What if we just stopped? What if we took the time to go ‘this needs to be dealt with, and I need help?’

What if we started walking through the pain and started to slowly hand it over to a higher power? Give it somewhere that can actually take care of it instead of continuing to carry it or worse, bury it! Either way it’s going to come out. Maybe it’ll come out in our anger and our frustrations or maybe it can come out in healthy conversations that lead towards peace in our spirit.

I don’t know, except for that it’s worked for me. 

And tonight/early morning as I’m writing this I realize that even when work is shit and I’m tired and frustrated, I still have more peace than I’ve had in any of the years when I was still trying to carry all those past hurts on a daily basis.

So thankful for the conversation tonight. It’s not every day that you meet an superhero!! And I hope to take some time to learn more about them soon.

If you’re still carrying the past, why don’t you look down and realize that you’re standing in the present? And hopefully, with some help let go of that and realize that today is enough, tomorrow will come, and lay those burdens down.

~ Peace

The Burtle

The Bubble

I had a conversation yesterday with an older gentleman who told me that he wasn’t willing to give his money to a certain city. That city is Portland. And it is a shit show in my opinion of all the things that are hard about thousands of people living together.

It’s not unique. Los Angeles, San Francisco, Seattle have similar vibes. Even Atlanta has many places that echo problems that I’ve seen there. 

I know Portland pretty well. I’ve been there more times than I could count easily and for about nine months I lived just north of the city in one of the upper boroughs. 

Tents. Begging. Social programs that can’t meet the needs of the thousands of people that have been bussed there from other ‘cleaner’ cities to get them out of their hair.  Do your research, there are cities that literally put people on buses and bus them to places like Portland to get them off their whitewashed streets.

And while I do mostly agree with this gentleman, I think we’re missing a big item. The bubble that we put ourselves in so often. I know I have one. I have found that as I get a little older than there are places that I am not comfortable going. places that I don’t want to be around as much or even people I’d rather avoid. I’ve gotten to where I’m a pretty snobbish lower-middle class/upper-lower class man.

And if this was just about economic standing and trying to provide the best for myself and those around me, that would be perfectly OK. 

But it’s not. 

Portland needs people. It needs people that care. Just like Atlanta needs people that care. There are so many broken hearts and yes, there’s addiction and there’s laziness and there’s just knowing that you can get by with as little as possible, but there’s also a lot of mental health issues and a lot of hurting people that could use a hot meal and a conversation.

I’m not talking about rescuing everyone. But maybe we could spend a little bit of that money we spend on the new clothes, that trip, the exquisite meal and put it towards one person at a time. Give time to get face to face with someone who isn’t like us - and maybe find that were made alike than we think.

One bad decision.  One bad month financially. One slip. And we’re in their shoes.

I’m not a fan of Portland. I love a little boy who lives about 35 minutes west of the city. I wasn’t happy when I was there and even though I know they’ve cleaned up a lot of the tents, there’s still a huge vagrancy issue that is so hard to watch. 

I took my daughter and my youngest downtown a couple weeks ago while I was there and it’s still hard. But it’s also trying to find its place again. Maybe it’s trying to clean up a little bit? 

Maybe we need to help give some spiritual cleansing. Pray, reach out, give. 

Not just money, but give of ourselves. 

~ Peace

The Burtle 

the Hallmark ending

It’s a myth. 

It’s fabricated, conceived out of the notion that life can end up in a nice, tidy package with a perfect bow. 

It’s a lie. 

The Hallmark ending is a lie. 

Before I go any further, I love Hallmark movies. I watch them as soon as they come on in the fall and winter (a current favorite is October Kiss) . I’ll watch them in the spring and summer. I really adore them - often as I say how stupid and WRONG they are at the same time! They are easy watches with simple twists, and always resolve in a nice,  heartwarming ending. 

But life is so much harder. Life takes a lot more work and it doesn’t resolve in 90 minutes. 

I think the only way to get something that resembles a Hallmark movie is to work every day at not having a Hallmark movie. 

Hear me out. I don’t mean that there can’t be moments. Moments when a first kiss comes, moments of tension resolved in laughter, a moment when someone shows up. That’s probably the biggest desire of my heart - to know that when something falls apart there is one special person that shows up. When you’re trying to make a hard decision or face something BIG, that person you love and trust is there. 

But isn’t that just called relationship? 

And relationships are hard. They take WORK. They take opening our insides to work through things that we would never work through on our own. Having to listen and bend while growing with someone?

Is that the problem that some of us face? That we look at those movies, romantic comedies, even action hero movies where things resolve in the end and think that’s how life works. And sometimes it does. I’m not cutting on the happy ending. 

I want the happy ending. 

But the happy ending takes a hell of a lot of work in the beginning, in the middle, on the hard days, on the days where you just don’t like the other person but you still love them, on the days when you know you need to be there for them because they’re a crying, soppy mess; on the days when you just don’t want to and you still do. 

The Hallmark ending isn’t real. 

But a relationship built upon love, trust, kindness, all the virtues of 1st Corinthians; that relationship has a potential to have multiple Hallmark moments throughout the entire relationship. And instead of looking for some spectacular explosion of emotions, to just be honestly known and loved by someone. 

Also, it takes faith. 

Faith in another human being, but also faith in something bigger. Something that guides and helps get through those hard times. Because your partner, wife, husband, they may not be there for everything. There are times when we have to reach down inside and reach for something bigger. Maybe God?

So maybe instead of having a Hallmark ending, we should be looking for Hallmark beginnings. Simple gestures, showing up, listening, loving, just being known. 

~ Peace

The Burtle 

CHANGE

“I am INEVITABLE!”

~ Thanos, Avengers:Endgame

Maybe that’s the best context to start this blog. Some big space demigod comes to threaten the existence of half the world. Pompous, with a mission and truly unwavering in his quest to eradicate what he sees as a threat to the universe - 50% of all humanity.

And he comes with a battering ram of destruction, not letting anything stand in his way. 

Sure, it’s a comic book movie…

But isn’t that how change works? 

Often times it can be subtle, but there are so many times in our lives when change comes as a slap in the face to our hearts, to our minds, our egos, our very foundations if we’re not careful. 

And it is Inevitable.

Change will come.

I don’t know if you’re like me, but it’s scary to think about things changing. And this is coming from someone who’s changed life more times than a teenaged girl getting ready to go out and gone through so many iterations of what the world looks like through the eyes of one single man. 

Change happens. 

And if you’re not changing, you’re probably not growing; possibly even regressing or just sitting in your shit! And that’s not a comfortable place to be (babies cry when they do this - adults wail and moan - which one really has a choice?)

I came home last night from being out of town and my plant that I’ve had for two years now was wilting and looked like it was dying. Unfortunately, the person who takes care of the plant had forgotten that watering the plant is a thing?!! I haven’t been diligent about giving it water on a regular basis. I couldn’t remember the last time I walked into my office and just put a little splash around the container. And it looked like it was fading fast.

Things left untended can wilt and die. Something that seemed so alive just a couple weeks before was now looking like I was going to lose it. 

Accepting the change, I went into the kitchen got some water and generously poured over and around the entire plant. 

I’m gonna have to change my behaviors here, because I like the plant. It makes me smile. It’s the first living thing in a long time that I’ve been able to nurture and keep. This is the third pot It’s been in from growing… Changing.

How do we deal with the battering rams? When everything shifts in a moment and we find ourselves faced with change that’s not quite as subtle. Do we fade away, do we hide, do we stand in front of it and go “okay, what do we need to do about this?”

Change can hurt. My son who is 10 and already stands over 5 foot tall is growing and every time a spurt hits he’s sore and achy. Change takes some growing pains. 

Change is happening. It’s happening in your life right now and it’s happening in mine as well - even as I wrote this, I’m facing change… 

There are things I want to change and things I know are changing. Thankfully I’m at a place where I can look at them and go ‘okay this needs to be changed, this I’m gonna HAVE to change, and this can wait.’ And I don’t know that I do it well, but I’m trying to filter myself through the lens of what my faith tells me is the best course of action.

Hey God, what’s next? 

And when I do that, I typically find answers; doors open or close and the change might not be quite as radical, not quite a slap in the face and I may be more able to be deal with change with a peace in my spirit that only comes from something bigger than myself.

Change.

Is. 

Inevitable. 

 ~ Peace

The Burtle

Hello out there?

We find God. 

We come back to community.

We often come with childlike faith - stretching out and asking for guidance and acknowledgment from those that are beside us, some leaders, some just there along the journey with us.

And for those that speak to us and walk this road with us, we find camaraderie, hope and frequent stories of the past and how we’ve finally made it to a little bit firmer footing. 

But I’m bummed at the church as a business.

Recently there have been several times those who are hired to Shepherd fall short. And I know they are imperfect men and women too, so I’m not trying to hold them to an unobtainable dynamic. But in my past and even in the most recent weeks I’ve found that ministry people suck. And what I mean by that is that I’ve tried recently with four separate Minister/Leader/People of the Church types to get a response, to set up a coffee, to get some information that I specifically reached out and asked for - even just get to know.

Only one has reached out. And that was after I had already found myself fed up and said ‘I’m done’. Done with the hierarchy of the corporate church. That man I’m thankful for. 

Just because you’ve been in church your whole life and attend every Sunday doesn’t mean that your faith isn’t shaky. We need support. Peter was the closest to Jesus other than John and he sank quickly when he lost sight. We need brothers and sisters that are willing and able to walk, to talk, to spend time with those that are outside of the walls. 

Because if those of us that are inside the walls are struggling to connect, how the hell do you think those on the outside feel? 

I’m not ‘better than’. I’m just another broken soul, trying to speak his truth. 

I find in myself that I’m not the best at getting back to people, connecting, taking the time to listen. Maybe it’s a lesson that I need to heed myself. 

One last note. For my work I was hired to do a job. That job is connecting with my customers, contacting them and setting up an appointment. Following through with information and circling back when and if I need to make sure that things are taken care of. I take it very seriously. Not because of the money that I get (that allows me to eat), but because it’s important. 

Shouldn’t we expect something similar from those that we hire to ‘do church’? 

On the other side, I have a beautiful Life Group/Sunday School class that truly does care. They are there because they love God and they do truly love other people. And to those people and a handful of others that I do interact with, I am so very thankful. You are the church!

~ Peace

The Burtle 

We Hold On

We hold on so tight at times. To beliefs, to each other, to the past, to old hurts. We hold onto our seats when we’re flying through the countryside in our first car, we hold our breath. We hold….

But when do we let go? 

When does all that holding turn around and we realize that we can’t hold our breath forever? That we will die inside if we continue to hold onto the anger and the fears inside. That we will start to wither away if we hold onto the life we once had. That we can’t hold her, can’t hold him but we can let them go and see what happens… 

Maybe it’s not that old adage ‘if you love something, let it go and it will return to you’, but I guarantee that when you open up your hand, open up your heart you will get something in return. Possibly something greater, something new. Something beautiful. 

So hold onto the truth that we can’t truly hold on to anything. Not really. Well, maybe our faith… But can you really hold faith, or do you just have to let go and believe? 

~ Peace

The Burtle

*Part of me wanted to put Wilson Phillips’ song ‘Hold On’ from the 80s in here just as a funny!