90 in 90 - Mike Tyson Style!

I try every day. 

No, I don’t try.  I fight.  I don’t give up. 

Since November 19th, 2020 I made the decision to be here.  But I still have to fight. 

Fight the Voices that just don’t think I get it.  I am listening.  Intently.  You CAN have a spiritual awakening.  

Fight the Voices that keep saying ‘you’re not good enough or strong enough to do this’ (“I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and doggone it, people like me!” Stuart Smalley – Al Franken modeled his character Stuart after attending Al-Anon meetings)

Fight the Voices of the mental disease that still attacks my psyche, the way the alcohol and substances destroyed my body (and mind, actually) - Wow, what a combination there!

And today, on the precipice of 90 days - I’m still fighting.  And it doesn’t mean that there’s a ‘knock-down-slug-out’ going on every minute.  I’m not just throwing punches into thin air – playing a real-live version of Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!

I was given a different tactic.  A new option.  One I’m still learning to sit with.  To grow.  God gave me something that I don’t know if I’ve ever truly experienced before.  Not with any lasting measure. 

Peace.

And peace can be found even in the midst of the storm.  Think about the eye of a hurricane.  Think about the slight swell on the ocean before the maelstrom.  Peace, as when Jesus slept during the storm on the sea.

Knowing that he took (or actually I lost) everything so I could find myself, and Peace through him.  Some call this a ‘bottom’.  I choose to call it an Awakening.

“And the Peace of God with transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” 

Philippians 4:7 (you really should read the whole Chapter – it’s damn good stuff!)

I counted this morning, on day 89.  I’ve been to 191 meetings since getting clean and sober (and yes, it is both - but that’s for another time), more than a dozen (way more) counseling sessions, as many sponsor meetings.  Several doctor’s visits.  I’ve started the steps (third time through them – just in other programs).  I’m not bragging.  I didn’t have a choice.  At the beginning even my counselor doubted that I was serious about this.  That I really wanted to live.  And I do want to live.

So, here the work begins.  I don’t feel ‘arrived’ or having any special gift, other than life itself.  I’m one of the many who struggle with Alcohol.  I struggle with my mind.  I have an addictive personality that has been given a breather.  This is life on life’s terms.  I don’t HAVE everything I want, but I have what I need.  I have shelter, food, warmth (even though I sleep with the windows open - no matter how cold!), clothes, a bed.  Been given back the want and desire to use my hands to make this world a little better.  I don’t always know what he has planned.  I just go.

I’m still fighting some things.  Fighting the ideals and misconceptions of a lifetime of fear.  Fighting when I feel wronged, or even when I just feel the need to fight - knowing that I’m going to be taught a lesson for my stubbornness and brashness.  And I’ve found that instead of always only having the option of fighting or running away – into myself, I have this new, third option.  Peace.  Sitting with it even when I’m animated.  When I’m down.  When I am just completing the task in front of me.  Haven’t mastered it, but I know that it’s just a different feeling when things hit now – Let it Come, Let it Flow, Let it Go!

I still will fight.  And maybe I’m finally learning how to fight for life.  It’s a huge change when you’ve always secretly wanted to die.  (I wrote more about that in previous blogs.)  

I am here.  Ever thankful.

90 days.  

Every. Single. Day. 


~ Peace

Chad

* 90 in 90 references those new to recovery who are often tasked with doing 90 meetings in the first 90 days.  Some 'bookend' their days by doing a meeting every morning and every evening (180 meetings).  This practice helps set a positive routine for those struggling to regain footing in life without substances.

AW, I still love you.