Where I'm At (75 and counting)

I’m tired.

Exhausted really.  But I wouldn’t change this ride for anything in the world, not even the hope of a curly-haired girl.  I am sore from working more physically than I have in years, while still getting my footing physically from the effects of 20 years of alcohol and then the absence of such a toxic life (and the effects on my body).  

I have found more of me, and more of God in each and every moment.  And instead of writing all these great things that I see and hope to accomplish (look back over some of my past blogs), I’m realizing that this is where I’m at.  Here.  Now.  Tomorrow, well that’s another day.  And I’ll tackle it when it’s time.

My anxiety can get wound up in an instant, and I’m still learning its ‘real’ triggers, only going into the grocery store twice since starting this journey – something about that place sets me off immediately.  I don’t know if it’s the prevalence of drink or the mass of humanity, but it’s safer to get the groceries delivered.  Same with most restaurants.  I rarely go to them.  Sunday I was in two and it was way too much.  Too much “Face Time” can be a trigger.  These are baby steps.  Being back in the ‘real’ world slowly with caution and consideration for where I’m at.

I didn’t start this journey with any thought other than I was completely lost.  I was mentally unbalanced, physically spent and ready to be done.

Today I’m so thankful that my head is clearer.  I don’t talk as much about my ‘headspace’.  It’s a crazy place (and yes, I can say that – I’ve been tested LOL).  I’m not dangerous, well, to anyone but myself if out of control.  I’m me.  I’m broken and seeing God slowly pick up the pieces and put the glue on, and put them where HE would have them, not where I would.  I get angry about this at times.  The last few days have held some contempt for being here, but in the end, I realize how much clearer everything is without the head full of voices.  

I’ve already lost people around me.  Both friends who have vanished and those in the program who have already “went back out” to a life that would only mean death for me.  I’m not being trite with these words.  With somber determination I know that drinking would set my mind back and then I’d be done.  And for the first time in my life I WANT TO LIVE!

I walked outside my apartment and found what seemed like a thousand Robin’s in the air (and their scat all over the place).  I found out that they migrate through this area every year at this time.  What a wonder!  God’s glory in His creation.  I know that he loves me.  I know that he’s placed the people around me that have been his voice at times.  Sometimes his voice is on the wind, through the trees.  This morning I heard him as I walked the neighborhood.  

I’m tired.  

I’m going to pull back a little more.  To center.  I promise I’m not avoiding people.  I’ve been told that the only way to not go back is to establish footing that can’t be easily toppled or shaken.  To get “Rooted” (I always want to start singing the Zac Brown song ‘Roots’).

I read the scriptures and the big book.  I love the voices from my morning meeting.  I have a calming voice in my sponsor that I desperately need.  He doesn’t realize how often he shows up and shows me God.  I have two other wonderful men who have stepped up beside me and helped carry the weight of the message with me.  They are as important in their own ways.  I have friends who have said – “I’m here”, “All ok?”, “I need more out of you.”, “what can I do for you?”.

I have three beautiful kids who I think really love me.  Each in their own distinct way.  I just got off the phone with my dad, who I’ve struggled to find ‘our relationship’ with and we both said “I love you” at the end of the conversation.  Such a change from myself a year ago.

I am here.

Every. Single. Day.

What more could a man ask for?  

Well, there are still things I pray for earnestly.  Those will remain with me for now.  Obviously, breath and his voice each day are on the list, but I have my desires as well.  I’ve shared those with that select few who know me deeply.  But my life doesn’t center around them.  I have things to do.  

This morning I found a piece of used pallet wood deserted alone on the sidewalk.  I immediately grabbed it.  It was me.  Left alone to be re-established as something more.  Maybe a ‘God Box’.  I’m so thankful for that use of my hands that I’ve recently found!

So there’s a quick, or long note about where I’m at.  

Love you all!

~ Peace

Chad

(one of my simple 'God Boxes' for my friend Pete)

Morning Prayer 

Lord,

Help me never to forget where I’ve been.  The depths of hurt I’ve felt, the sting of pain I’ve had to endure.  Not to beat myself up, or to dwell there for more than just a moment, but to so richly see the light you’ve continually shone down on me.  To never forget all that I had to endure to finally realize what you knew all along - that I was in your hands and you never left me through it all.  Through every trial and every storm you were there.  You always had your hand upon me, and you never let me go.

This is the life you’ve wanted for me.  Humble and craving more and more of you.  I ask you to never let me forget the power and intimate tenderness of your love.

Please keep guiding me through it all.

Your son,

Chad

02/02/21
clc