Miracles, Signs, Wonders

What is mankind that you are mindful of them,

a son of man that you care for him?

You made them a little lower than the angels;

you crowned them with glory and honor

and put everything under their feet.

Hebrews 2:5-8

I’ve had one experience with an angel.  More than one experience with God.  The deep kind that just lets me know that I’m so fucking small, and yet still not inconsequential in this maddening world.

I met God as a child.  He wrapped himself around me and protected my heart, my spirit, when I should have given up.  He loved me.  He watched over me and yes, sent his angel to watch over me.  I have a name of that angel* – given to me only months ago, but I know it was real.  God – watching out for a small soul here.

And as for here, well, there is nothing small about me.  I live large, I breathe heavy, I am LOUD, boisterous, and even my silences are huge.  I am me.  I am no longer ashamed of what I am.  I am his, and I am free.  But freedom comes at a price.  The price is that of a child who lost his childhood, a man who still yearns for things he cannot see – or even dream of anymore.

I stand.  I stand amidst this world and I have no more pretense (well less and less pretense).  I am wounded and yet alive.  Born out of religion into light.  I am no longer ashamed of the man I am.  I’ve said that twice.  I fail a whole fucking lot, and I am still here.  Not by my power – I’m not big enough for anything like that – but through a group of misfits, a rag-tagged band of gypsies in life who I myself never wanted to be a part of.  Maybe somewhat like twelve from long ago.  Disciples?  Apostles?  Believers? 

I’m not trying to be preachy.  Hell, what can I say but my own experiences, my own hope, the strength I’ve found in those who stand beside me?  We cannot do this alone.  Life.  Believe what you want to believe, there is nothing without each other.  Otherwise, we fail.  I can tell you the story of a child who stood alone.  But that’s a sad tale that was so hidden it wrecked his whole existence in a moment (26 when the walls came down – just for an instance).  It wasn’t until finding the calm, the deadly eerie calm that changed my entire life in an instance that I could stand.  

We all believe in something.  I believe in those around me.  I believe in a God that isn’t wrapped in fear, evil, malice.  I believe in the words I utter aloud so often now that they’ve become part of my own daily, if not moment-by-moment meditation.  “God, grant me the serenity…”

But what is serenity?  I had someone ask me ‘how do you do this? How do you stay clean?’  I don’t.  It is entirely about NOT doing this.  I don’t have some magic elixir that rids me of the hurts and pain.  AND LET ME TELL YOU – this week I have felt pain.  I have felt an anguish that I haven’t seen in months.  And no one knows that but God (well now all of you know – sorry, still working on the whole ‘letting people in’ thing).  And he gave me people – men and women who are just there.  Who have listened to me wail.  Who have listened to me cry and shout and yell.  Who have listened as I lost the words to say and they turned into groans that only some deity on high could comprehend.  

They were there.  And even as my tears roll down at this moment, I know that I’m not doing this alone anymore.  

I still fight it.  The need for others.  The need to place trust, hope, anything in someone else’s hands.  It’s a hard lesson for a fucked-up human to do.  And I never lose sight of the horizon.  Knowing that there’s something out there – not necessarily some great reward or riches.  But a hope that is much bigger than this child, this boy, this man has ever truly known.

Today, early AM, I am focused on now.  Not tomorrow; not yesterday.  Today.

And Coffee.

In recovery we’ve talked about having a ‘spiritual experience’.  And that’s truly where this life changes.  Not just with addicts and mental characters (of which I am court jester), but in anyone who finds Him.  God, Yahweh, Higher Power, Peace, Spirit.  Believe in something.  Believe in bigger, better than ourselves.  “There is a bit of good in the worst of us, and a bit of bad in the best of us” – The Big Book.  We all have the capacity to be more, less, you, me.  Us.

We just need to believe.

My thoughts.  

It works…

…if you just listen, and let it be.  My all-time favorite Beatles song.

And when the broken-hearted people living in the world agree

There will be an answer, let it be

For though they may be parted, there is still a chance that they will see

There will be an answer, let it be

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be

There will be an answer, let it be

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

~ Peace

The Burtle


The Burtle is part Bison; stampeding headfirst into the storm – facing the hurt and pain, and part Turtle; slow and steady, watching his steps – learning as he goes.  I AM the Burtle.

And to the curly haired girl,

You promised me on December 13, 2020 - ‘in six months.’  Face-to-face.  That’s now, just about.

I still love you.

Chad

*Zadkiel