"If you wanna make the world a better place..."

I stopped using social media back in October of last year.  Somewhere inside I realized that my actions and the words and ‘life’ I represented on there didn’t match and honestly, it was all toxic (my opinion on ‘the book of Face’, ‘InstaF*?/‘ and other outlets hasn’t changed).  I was spiraling and was clinging to anything to get my voice heard.  And that was my pain - I didn’t feel heard.  For someone so damn loud in life, I felt small, insignificant and well, alone.  And isolation will kill you if you don’t find hope. 

Hope.  I had none.

I retreated from Social Media, my family, work - well there wasn’t any, and even my passions.

I tried to walk away from God.  My faith.

Fast Forward.  One Year.

I find myself seeing a very different man in the mirror.  


“I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could've been any clearer
If they wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself and then make a change”

~ MJ

And it didn’t happen quickly.  But it did happen in an instant.

So, as I look today, in a week filled with so many deep, painful reminders of last year, I can say without doubt or fear that I have found one thing over the last year.

Hope.

And it shows itself in some of the most peculiar ways…

This week has been a pretty hard week. Not a bad week but very physical and my body is weary.  One of the things that I use the most in my work is my truck.  And, as my daughter is fond of pointing out at times - I love her (the Truck, Silver) more than most people!  She’s been more reliable, driving all the way to Oregon and back, and more steady than most of the people in my life.

So, my truck went in the shop on Monday.  The repair is way more than I expected ($$$$) and it hit me; Emotionally. Financially.  Spiritually and really sent me teetering into negative emotions.  I just got so damn mad that I am still fighting, struggling to get by.  “Why, God?”  “WTF?”

The shop is owned by a friend.  I told him I needed to get it fixed but I would have to figure out the money.  He told me it didn’t matter, we could 'stretch it out'.  He knew I would pay him when I could.  I’ve been blessed over the last year with gifts like this. I’m going to pay for the entire repair.  But he’s giving me the gift of time.  And he is trusting that I will be good to my word.

As I shared this in a counseling session today, the man who is giving me time has showed me a Love that I don’t deserve.  A Trust that I’ve not earned except that I’ve always held to my word with him in regards to repairs on my vehicles.  Love expressed through a man I’m still thankful to call ‘friend’.

And I wept.  No - I gushed forth with a cry that I hadn’t done in quite a while.

I am blessed.  

So, very blessed.

And for the first time in my life - over the last year (November 19th!!!!!!!) I am truly grateful for every breath I breathe.  Every day I live.  Every choice I get to make to be this man who I really like a lot most of the time.

There were three individuals who, whether they knew it or not helped save me last year (God sends angels).  And I plan on thanking each of them in the next days.  They didn’t do the work.  That’s been my journey.  But they were instrumental in giving me just a flicker of light - of hope amidst the cacophony that was my world.  A, S and J - I will express that to each of you soon.

And there was a time when I posted these writings on Facebook longing to see just how many would like or take the time to read and comment.  Now I send it only to those I chose to share it with.  It’s personal, though never hidden.  It’s a part of me as much as my arm or my funky beard!  If you’re getting this then you are someone I want to know.  You’re part of my journey.  Thank you.

I get to be a man who loves himself, his kids, those closest to him.  One who is able to give love and receive it (one day).

Hope.

What a Fucking Year!!

~ Peace

The Burtle.

Zadkiel