Daddy Issues!

Reader warning:

This may be a sensitive topic to all three of you who actively read this blog! 

But that’s what I do. I take where I’m at and try to put my thoughts down as best I can. And sometimes that means it’s a topic I don’t really want to talk about or write about. And definitely not think about, but here we are.

How do you see your father? 

My father is a good man. I can’t say we’ve had the easiest relationship. I know I wasn’t easy and I can’t say that he was either. But I know that he loved me in his way and I’m thankful that I did have a father. My father gave me a taste of faith and also discipline. Took me to work with him at 14 and helped ingrain in me a realization that working is good. It’s something I’ve done my entire life. I don’t feel right unless I’m working. And I don’t mean every moment, but I do know that it’s important to get to the end of the day and know that I’ve done a good days work and rest in that.

I’m grateful I had a father who was there as I was growing up and also was there at one of the hardest points in my life and told me I needed to get help. Even if it was not pretty. 

What I’ve also had for my entire life and even today is a fear of my father. I’ve always felt that I was a disappointment. There’s some valid reasons for that. I’ve never lived up to be the man that maybe he and my mom thought I would be. But I will say this, I’m more grateful for the man I am today than any other man that I could’ve become. If you know me you realize that I took a pretty hard path to get here. Yet I’m here, and I’m breathing.

So I need to have a conversation with my father and it’s nothing incredibly serious, but even now so many years later, I still fear having those conversations. And that’s funny because if you really know me, you know that I don’t mind deep, I don’t mind hard. I don’t mind difficult. Hell you can tell me your shit and I’ll just go ‘yeah, I get it’. But there’s still a part of me that wonders how to talk to my father without having that little gulp of fear that comes in my throat and more so in my stomach.

So what is your view of your father? What if you don’t have a father? Who has been in your life that has helped guide and mold you? Maybe it was a mother? Maybe it was a family member, a foster parent, a pastor, Boys Club volunteer?

We all have different paths, but our views of those in authority over us, those who help guide us or sometimes kick us along, can define how we look at things throughout our life. 

I can say this pretty openly that my father and I are closer now than we ever were before, because I didn’t get him and I’m sure he didn’t get me. It took a pretty extraordinary act to get my ass in gear and realize that it’s OK that I’m not exactly who EVEN I thought I was going to be!

What do you do when you don’t have that guidance? Hopefully you found someone that walks along with you. Because those views of men or elders or women or mentors - they matter. They matter a whole lot. 

Those are the voices that guide us when we just don’t know what to do. And for me, hopefully they echo the voice of God. Because that’s my Father. Yes I have my earthly father, but I’ve ALSO got a Big Ole Daddy in the sky who loves me regardless of how crazy I am, when I fly off the handle, when I run around in circles, when I fall down and cry.

And sometimes there’s a fear of God because of a fear of man. If the only thing you’ve known is hurt, pain, is abuse, how can your view of God be anything but negative? I don’t know?!

My parents gave me a loving home to live in. They didn’t know the turmoil inside. They took me to church and exposed me to faith.  That faith is what guides me. And I thank both of them for that. 

My dad pushed having an education, getting a degree. And even though I don’t teach anymore, I think life teaches me and I can see how the lessons of completing something matters - even if it’s a bachelors degree in six years, though not a doctorate! (Maybe a PHD in life)

One of the greatest things that my father did was push me to follow through. And I didn’t always understand that and I still don’t always know I do it the best. But I try. 

As for that Father up in the sky, well that one loves me unconditionally. It’s one of the best things ever when you just know there’s this big huge loving being that just wants to love us. Who’s right there in all of the crap, in the joy, the hurts, the laughter and in the tears. 

Tell me about your father!

I’d really like to know :)

~ Peace

The Burtle

Like an 80’s John Cusack Movie

I watched the end of High Fidelity the other day. It’s one of the more modern of the John Cusack romantic comedies. It’s a good movie and in true form, outlines the path of one man who is honestly still searching for himself even though he’s pushing 40 in the movie. 

I grew up on these movies. And my life and how I look at things is often formed by thoughts of the hapless lovable loser. Who at some point finally figures it out and makes good. It’s silly. It’s not reality, but actually in some ways maybe there’s more reality there than I’ve thought in the past. You can live in this fantasy and that’s definitely not healthy, but if we look at our lives, I think all of us go through a time where we feel like we’re not good enough, or somebody’s gonna figure out that maybe we don’t have our shit together or maybe we’re just eating ourselves inside because that’s who we are and we have way too many thoughts in our heads.

Better Off Dead, One Crazy Summer, the Sure Thing, Say Anything - all classic JC movies!

I have played those characters over and over in my mind and also in my relationships, often fraught with my own emotional immaturity and desire to be seen, to be known. 

I still fight this. I know who I am. I know that I am a good man and I also know that I struggle with insecurities. I do daily try to push through them. But this vulnerable little heart inside me (and yes, it’s there - it’s tiny, probably infinitesimally smaller than anyone thinks), it’s there. And it just wants to love.

Thankfully, God rescued me from living fully in this fantasy by giving me hope. But does that make it always easy? Hell no! I struggle with the reality that I’m in my early 50s and I am alone. 

I have good people around, I have someone I’ve been talking and walking with, I have my kids. I have a church that drives me bonkers, but at the same time shows love in ways that I don’t know that I’ve ever seen. 

Some days I’m just a fucking mess! And believe it or not, even as I’m writing this, I would rather be a mess and know it than to not have any clue that I’m dealing with stuff. I’m learning still. I’m breathing, and I am still here. 

Because I wasn’t always here. For a lot of my life I was absent. Even if I stood right beside you, I was able to walk through life without being truly enmeshed with what was going on. 

The funny thing about High Fidelity, at the end he figures out a lot of things, but he gets hit immediately with the same thing that he has struggled with, seeking out attention and wanting to be seen by others. It resolves, as movies like this tend to do, and Jack Black sings one of the most amazing renditions of Marvin Gaye‘s classic ‘Let’s get it on’ and it is powerful. Then, Stevie Wonder comes on with a song that I do hope is part of my future.

As I’m driving this morning to take care of some things, to be present with my life group at the church, serve this afternoon, to walk a lot I hope, I just needed to get this off my chest. 

God gave us such a capacity to love. He gave us hope through him. And, you don’t have to believe what I believe, that’s never what this blog is about. I do hope you believe in something though. Because I had a friend this week who lost a daughter because she couldn’t believe in anything bigger. It’s hurting me still that this person decided to leave. In fact, I wrote a blog about it, but that’s one is just for me.

I’m very grateful. Even on a melancholy morning, where I feel like part of me is still in Alabama. I’m grateful that I’m here and sad at the same time. And I think that’s what life does. We have to hold onto both. We have to take the times where we’re joyful and align them with the times when we’re suffering and find peace in them. 

Love on ourselves, then we can love on others. Just my thoughts. 

~ Peace

The Burtle

Love and Kindness, part 2

About a year and a half ago I wrote how I hoped to live my life by showing Love and Kindness to others to the best of my ability.  Others meaning ‘everyone’.  Still a very rough journey at times - navigating this call, this path that I truly believe God set me on.  Not a ministry appointment, not a place of serving in a church (though I do that when I can), but the desire to look at life through the lens of that ‘crazy to the world’ Savior who did just that - showed love and kindness while walking among the people - chastising the religious leaders, welcoming the dirty and sullied, teaching and setting a new commandment for us all.

And this morning the message was on that - Love and Kindness.

So I’m going to steal straight from the message I just heard and add my take on this ‘new commandment’.

Showing love and kindness is a CHOICE. A daily decision to NOT be mean, surly; evil.  Yup, I just said evil.  In our hearts we are evil unless we fill it with the Light.

“He did evil because he had not set his heart on seeking the Lord.”

2 Chronicles‬ ‭12‬:‭14‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I chose to take action.  Simple action of being available, willing, committed (as best this man can) to this cause.  

Then there’s my recent look at 1 Corinthians through the “is” scriptures. My take on how to truly show the L word!

“…is…

Patient

Kind

No envy

Not proud

Honors

Not selfish/self seeking;

Slow to anger

Doesn’t keep score

Does not do evil

Seeks truth 

Protects 

Trusts

Hopes

Perseveres - 

Never Fails.

The Greatest…

…is.”

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

Take away the frilly, feel-good, emotion based version of this and get down to the Choice to Act, Commit and Be… Love.

Showing this to those close to us seems obvious, but what about to our enemy, to a stranger, to those sick - whether physical diseased, mentally ill, addicted, angered souls?

I’m still working on this.  And I fail at it daily.  The course isn’t about a specific outcome - though there are some areas where I pray constantly for the path I’m walking to unfold…

But if we just try a little more to Be Kind.  Show Love. Breathe life/light into darkness. And not my own light, but His…

Holy Shit! What a change that could make!!

Ponder that.  

What if we spent more time being those “is”s from above?

What if I just took a little more time to see others and to show them a little of what saved my ass?!  A bunch of people praying (Thank you BHBC Life Group!), a God that loves, a light that I hope will continue to shine.

Last note:

AND sometimes Love is about letting go.  Holding up an outstretched hand and saying “please take this from me”.  It’s Yours.

~ Peace

The Burtle

Temper

noun

1. a person's state of mind seen in terms of their being angry or calm."he rushed out in a very bad temper"


2. the degree of hardness and elasticity in steel or other metal."the blade rapidly heats up and the metal loses its temper"


verb

1. improve the hardness and elasticity of (steel or other metal) by reheating and then cooling it."the way a smith would temper a sword"


2. act as a neutralizing or counterbalancing force to (something)



It’s like watching a bad reality show, but it’s real life. It’s like seeing a mirror of my past looking through the lens of where I am now. Taking a closer look at a simple word, a word that typically describes all the anger, hurt, unbridled emotions that belch for when we’re upset, tired, hungry or just an ass.

Temper.

I think most of us think of the noun definition first. “That person has a temper! I don’t like their temperament. I’m worried about how they will react” (temper).

And as I’ve sat on the sidelines and watched, actually more listened to the stories of the unraveling of one person’s insides, I have had compassion, disdain, even a bit of hurt because I’ve known that place. 

To stay in that version of the word is typically damaging. Sure there’s the positive side, but most of us may not think about having an even temper.

Then we move to the verb. 

Strengthening of resolve. Improving the strength, flexibility of something. Balancing.

Being able to walk through the fire with some semblance of dignity and holding your head up high while the world is thrashing at you, telling you just how ‘bad’ you are. 

That’s a temper I want. I want to be able to stand with my head held high and not lash out at my enemy. Sure, I’m going to express where I am to people that are close to me. But there’s no reason to go about bashing people who are just as hurt as I am inside. There’s a resolve that comes from digging down and knowing that God‘s got this, even when I don’t, and I just need to show grace and love even in the midst of being slapped in the face. Yep, I said ‘in the midst of being slapped in the face’. Now honestly, am I gonna turn the other cheek? Probably, after I smack them back with my words. I’m human. I’m not above. I just don’t want that to be the ‘go to’.

Do I take every little feeling I have inside and sling it back at those around me? I’m trying not to. 

As I’ve walked through this phase of my life, I’ve found that life is hard. I can’t do it alone. I met with a group of people this morning that love me as I am, who accept me as the broken man who is trying real damn hard. And they’ve helped me express where I am and walk through the times where my emotions are out of kilter, when I’m sad, depressed, or even when I’m just a little too giddy. lol Yes, there have been times in my past where I have been called that. Believe it or not!

So the temper that I want to continue to work on is that of patience, kindness, long suffering, lack of pride, humility. 

Wonder where that will take me? 

And as for the reality show that I’ve been able to watch, I think it’s going to wind down at some point. Anger is hot and it burns really bright, but it can’t sustain. It starts to eat at your insides and at some point it just blows up in its own face. I don’t need that, but I do know that I will try to be a friend for the person who’s going through it. Listening. Then sharing my own experience, strength and hope.

~ Peace

The Burtle 

Truth

Truth or fiction.

Honesty or lies.

It’s funny how sometimes the loudest voice is what we hear. How the lies screamed at the top of someone’s lungs can dwarf the truth being whispered on the wind. How we can look at something and see exactly what it is and have someone try to tell us that it’s not that, to change the picture. To make it look like a lie is the truth. To make it look like something that is not healthy is healthy.

The narrative is shifted from one of honesty and integrity to a barrage of insults and slurs meant to make the truth seem irrelevant.

We get to choose. Choose to live in light and truth or to live in darkness surrounded by lies.

And sometimes it’s not even about lying, sometimes it’s just hiding in the darkness. Knowing that surely if it’s not said it’s not a lie.

Truth is hard. To walk in truth means to walk the narrow gate. It means to take what is ahead of us, what is around us and what we’ve walked through already, our past, and to continue to navigate through the flaming arrows, the insults, the hurts and still try to hold our head up as we seek Honesty.

That means doing the hard things. There’s a author recently who wrote a book about the 2%. Those who are willing to do the hard things. Sometimes the hard things just seem impossible, like we would never be able to walk through them. They may lead to a lot harder path ahead, but they also lead to freedom. The path to freedom is not one of ‘Easy’. It takes stepping outside of ourselves and realizing that some things we have to do just are not comfortable. But if we want to see the clear blue skies on the other side of the horizon, we have to walk through the mess. And sometimes there’s a shitty mess in front of us - big donkey pile of mess.

Over and over, whether it be through science, the philosophers, biblical faith, there is the search for truth. Often times the truth is hidden behind the lies. Behind the misdirections and bloated statements from hurt souls - hidden by oppressive mentalities. But the truth is still there. It is still evident. It is still powerful and it is still necessary.

Truth will set you free. 

Just like when you’re walking a path late at night, you would never go without a flashlight, walking this path of life without truth is like walking blind. You may think you know where you’re going, but eventually you might just step off the edge of the cliff. Falling into the abyss.

Seek truth - even if it’s hard. I think it was probably pretty hard to look out on the people he loved and see them spitting at him, taunting him all the way to the tree…

Breathe -

And find peace hidden amidst the lies. Truth in the storm.

~ Peace

The Burtle

The Noble Man

A rarity.

Possibly a diamond in the rough.

Worthy of a woman’s love.

He is trusted,

He provides for his family.

He protects and doesn’t bring harm upon those he loves.

He works a job - is not lazy or a burden on others.

He is wise with what he has been provided.

He is kind.

Finds no pleasure in doing harm.

He loves others.

In the hard times, he trusts that the hard work already performed will see his family through.

He trusts that God will cover him.

He seeks the wisdom of others.

He believes in community.

He is not proud.

He ‘is clothed with strength and dignity; 

…can laugh at the days to come. 

…speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on his tongue. 

…watches over the affairs of the household and does not eat the bread of idleness.’

His family respects him.

“Many… do noble things, but his humilty surpass them all.”

‘Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a MAN who fears the Lord is to be praised.’

Adapted from ‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭31‬:‭10‬-31

“A wife of noble character”

05/14/24

clc

Tend

I don’t know that I always understand the concept or maybe I haven’t understood it until now, but I do know that there is purpose to caretaking, watching-over, guiding, tending. 

I spent the last several days at a monastery in Alabama. No, I haven’t gone off the deep end fully and decided to become a monk, though I have toyed with the idea in the past. What I did do was walk a lot, pray, write, spent time with a friend, played music and just got away from my normal here in Atlanta.

I feel I’ve been given a lot of direction over the last several years and in the last couple of months it’s been even more pointed. What do I want to be? Well, maybe I just need to be that. Is it so hard to simply make decisions that lead toward the man I might already be, just haven’t given myself the credit for being yet?

Along this path I’ve been asked to look at myself again, not in the scathing way I would’ve done in the past, but instead to lovingly look at who I am and peel back layers that need to be shed while also embracing who I am deeper inside. 

This has come about through my continued recovery journey, through dear friends that have made me think about things, through a crazy pastor in Alabama and a simple nudging at my heart towards something new. 

Words like ‘purity’, ‘conscience’, ‘steadfastness’… and over this last weekend ‘tend’.

What does that even mean? To tend the soil? To tend to a flock of sheep? 

Tend 

Tender

Tenderness

Attend

What do these all have in common? They take time. It takes attention and watching, listening - allowing things to grow. 

Gentle, but also firm. Compassionate.

All the things that I feel like have guided my path. How do I show these to others? How do I walk my journey with my head held high while also stopping along the way and talking, learning, growing myself and also growing relationships?

I don’t know the answer. But I know that the questions that I ask often lead me to experiences, people, journeys that take me to exotic lands like Cullman, Alabama. 

As I left there earlier today, I realized that there were things that had changed in my life over the last several weeks that I never expected. Some of them challenges I never thought I would face. And then there’s the simple matter of planting a seed, tending it with care and watching it grow.

~ Peace

The Burtle

“So when they had finished breakfast, Jesus *said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of John, do you love Me more than these?” He *said to Him, “Yes, Lord; You know that I love You.” He *said to him, “Tend My lambs.”

John‬ ‭21‬:‭15‬ ‭NASB1995‬‬