Unbound

He gave me breath.  I took it for granted.  

He bore my burdens.  I took them back.  Couldn’t be bothered by Grace.

He opened his arms.  I shook my head “no”

Yet, he never let me go.

I found myself struggling and struggling with God.  When he NEVER fought with me.  

He only stood fighting for me… against the “rulers, authorities, powers of this dark world” (Eph. 6:12)

I found myself bound tight to the pain and suffering of a young boy.  

He released my pain - even as I grasped desperately for that same pain.

He gave me healing.  I found ways to damage myself over and over again.

He gave His Son.  I walked away.

He waited.  Patiently as a father looking longingly for his ‘lost’ son.

I kept running away.  Further and further away.

I showed up.  One day beaten and worn of flesh and spirit. 

He waited still…

“Son, what do you want?”

“I want to live.”

He gave me life.  I inhaled it as quickly as I could.

He wiped my slate clean.  I lay shivering on the floor.

He bent down.  I reached out to take his hand.

He showed me Love. I am unbound.

I am His.

03/23/23

clc

~ Peace

The Burtle

...to see the face of God

“And remember

The truth that once was spoken

To love another person

Is to see the face of God”

~ from Epilogue of Les Miserables 

It’s such a powerful moment; when you realize that you’re not alone; that there is something, someone, some being so much bigger surrounding you and wrapping around you in that crazy emotion/devotion that we call love.  And it changes everything.

I don’t need you to believe in God.  That’s up to you.  I look at my kids, those I’m close to and realize there is something bigger out there than just me.  There is love.  And I’ve learned over the last couple of years that there is nothing greater.  Accomplishment, power, fame, finance… they all pale when compared to a single moment shared with someone special; shared with those we hold dearest.  With those we love.  To a life lived out of Love.

And for me, the whole book, the Bible is really summed up in four letters…

L O V E

Love God

Love Myself

Love Others

“…and the greatest of these is love”

1 Corinthians 13:13

~ Peace

The Burtle

“Come with me

Where chains will never bind you

All your grief

At last, at last behind you

Lord in Heaven

Look down on him in mercy

Forgive me all my trespasses

And take me to your glory

Take my hand

I'll lead you to salvation

Take my love

For love is everlasting

And remember

The truth that once was spoken

To love another person

Is to see the face of God”

~ from Epilogue of Les Miserables 

7 years

 I get mad at God. Really fucking mad. Today is one of those days; when I don’t understand why. I know he’s got a plan, but I think his plan is fucking bullshit sometimes. She was the better parent. I was off on a new adventure and she was the one who truly took care of them. They didn’t deserve that. They didn’t deserve to lose their mom. How do you get over that? 

Life often sucks as it is. I try to be the most optimistic person I can. But I hate him sometimes for that. For what one eight year old boy went through. For what two teenage kids went through. For the fighting and hurts that a two year old had to see. For the harshness of life. 

He says it’s gonna be hard, and I will tell you this, we ain’t had it easy. And we are surviving. First thing I did this morning was take my phone and tell both of them I love them. Tell them that I’ll be there in the best way I can. And that I’m sorry. They’re both living. They’re both doing life the best they know how. And we’ll see where their journey takes them. 

It’s almost like the scene at the end of When Harry Met Sally… When she’s looking at him saying over and over again, “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you…” Because when someone you love hurts you, you hate it. But you still love. 

I love those kids; Cade, Cambrey and Topher. I love them so much. I don’t know if they realize that. They have a dad who doesn’t always do it real well: who has had his own struggles. Who has looked death in the eye and laughed. And, I get to be present. I get to talk to both of them today and I get to just say “I don’t know if it’s going to be okay, but it’s gonna be okay.”

Tears are a spiritual reset. Guess it’s time to reset…

And -

He gave me the opportunity to truly be a parent;  to be dad. 

He held me through my own hell; and guess who was there when I was sick? They were.

He gave me a way of life that rescued me from myself.  One day at a time.

He gave me joy. Holy Fuck I never understood that.

And He gave me the opportunity to love on them today.

I am blessed.  Even while preparing to work in freezing temps (for the south). I am truly blessed.

Pray for my kids today.  For those you love who’ve been through loss.  For the loss of parents, kids, relationships, ourselves…

I know someone who’ll listen, even when you hate Him for it.

~ Peace

The Burtle 

Lasso the Sky

I had a friend recently tell me that you can’t tie a lasso around a bird.  They have to fly free.  And I immediately knew the sentiment.  The times that I have flown the highest are those when I was free to spread my wings and soar.  Sailing on the wind, letting the fresh breeze hit my face.

Yet, sometimes I make mistakes when I take a leap… try to fly on my own.  You can’t fly without the wind underneath your wings.  It’s a scientific fact, the factor of lift.  Science meets faith whenever a plane lines up on the runway or when an eagle spreads itself out to soar over the Western skies.

It’s a leap of faith every day that we open up, approach the cliff and hope to soar.  The view up there is glorious when we touch the clouds, just shy of heaven.

And sometimes we fall.

Grounded.

Physically

Emotional

Mentally

Spiritually

Finding myself back on the ground, looking up, but not sure how to mend. How do broken wings heal and eventually soar again?

Flying isn’t passive.  Even when just riding an air current with wings fully spread, there are forces that direct and guide.  Kinda like God.

I’ve landed back in Atlanta.  Whether it be for a couple of months or the rest of my life, who the hell knows?!  But I’m here.  One thing I will say about myself is that I don’t mind taking a risk if I feel like it’s worth it.  In the last two years my risk-taking has been a lot less fatal.  I know there are things that scare others, but taking a couple of months to see if a new city (Charlotte) was worth it; I don’t consider that a failure (at least I’m still trying to convince myself that it wasn’t a failure lol).  What I do realize is that baby steps are ok, that breathing is good and recharging is not only necessary, it’s critical right now.

I was running away from situations in Atlanta that I wanted to remove myself from and in typical Chad form, I jumped immediately into a bigger storm and now I’m finding myself looking back down at my feet. 

Where I stand.

I hope to not be grounded for long.  And the incredible support that I have around me keeps telling me to just take a moment; in, out - keep breathing…

We can’t lasso the spirit.  That inner voice, that guides us; our God, our higher power, where we go for direction and strength.  Let it soar within you. 

Let it rise!

~ Peace

The Burtle 

$50 Tip

I don’t do handouts. I don’t want your money. I don’t want charity. I’m going to damn well do this by myself (or so I say!).

I also don’t give money away. There was a time in my past when I used to work a homeless ministry late on Thursday nights throughout high school and part of college. My uncle and I would go to downtown Atlanta (pre Olympics 'white-washing' of the city) handing out sandwiches and one night I literally left without the sweatpants that I was wearing over the top of my shorts.  True story.  Dude didn’t have no pants!  What was I gonna do?!

My heart’s been hardened though. I typically don’t want anything from you because then I might have to give back.

I’m not saying that I don’t owe people money. That’s something I’m working hard on right now. During 2020 I racked up an Alps sized mountain of medical bills and other expenses due to bad decisions and bad health.  It’s a mountain that I will climb slowly.  Recently I’ve had a few people that I’ve had to say I’m sorry to for this; because I am.  It’s a shame and guilt that I have carried.  And presently I’m trying to take action on all that.

But even this old hardass sometimes looks at a total stranger and just says “Okay. What can I do?”

A young woman with a dog was standing outside of Quiktrip (Quiktrip is a gas station around here).  I knew something was up because she started to speak and couldn’t get the words out.  Of course I thought she was faking it at first.  Then she started crying.  She said timidly through her tears, “can you help me?”

I don’t know if her story is legitimate or not.  I don’t care.  In my life I have pledged to do the next right thing.  In every situation.  As best I can.

So the girl looks at me, as I’m trying to pet her dog.  She says “I just need $42 to keep my family safe.”  Fuck.  I’m unemployed for the second time in Charlotte but I can’t just stand there and do nothing.  Take a breath… I always keep $100 in my wallet. Two $50 bills if possible.  It’s my emergency money. I took out a $50 bill and handed it to the girl saying - 

“I hope you’re telling me the truth; use it wisely.

God bless you.”

It’s just fucking money.  It really doesn’t matter.  If I truly believe in the savior who came down, the God who guides me and in a life lived in rigorous honesty, openness and willingness, I can’t get wrapped up in the money.  There’s so much more out there.  She said she had two small kids and her husband and her were both out of work.  Regardless of her motives, that was the next right thing for me.  Of course I second-guessed.  I don’t know her.  But fuck, what if it was for real and I just passed her by?

‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

~ Matthew 25:40

Thursday I’m going for the ‘third times a charm’ here job-wise.  Charlotte has not been an easy transition.  My best friend and his wife, two of the dearest people in the world to me have been very patient (I’m crashing at their home).  I came up here on a whim and I have fallen on my face twice.  Life sometimes just sucks.  Hard things happen.  And as I creep up on two years of this new life, I realize that it’s better even when it sucks.  Because at least I’m dealing.  I’m hurting.  But I’m not helpless.  And sometimes I have to ask for help.  Just like the girl above.

Over the next couple of days I plan on sitting down and examining what exactly was going on that brought me up here.  It’s part of figuring out and not making the same mistakes again.  And I also get to pray.  Pray for today, pray for those around me, and pray for His will over mine.

As I sat down a moment ago I thought about that young lady and said a prayer.  I hope that she can find her peace.

For all of you out there, say a prayer.  For those suffering*.  For those close to you.  For me - hell, I need it.  For those you struggle with - I think we’re supposed to love our enemies as well…  Just pray.  I don’t care who or what you believe.  But reach out and reach up.

Maybe somebody will put just enough money in your hand, or take care of something for you at some point that will bless you.  Or, maybe you’ll see that it’s Okay.  It’s okay right here, right now.

~ Peace

The Burtle 

* 'for those suffering in and out of the rooms'

...

Sometimes with her it feels like I am Indiana Jones running down the hill and she’s chasing me (big ass Boulder), and sometimes I feel like it’s a not too subtle push into the deep end of the swimming pool… She’s real and she’s strong and she is adorable at times.  She’s a good friend and I’m thankful for that.

She’s also gone through the hell that is divorce.  Not the easy 30-60 days and it’s over divorce, but the real, nasty, police involved and everybody knows how ugly it is divorce.

And on Monday it was over.  At least on paper.  Emotionally, I think that answer might vary.  When I first met her it was “I’m done with this, I just have to get the paperwork over with.”  But I know there’s more to it.  There's still the ups and downs of dealing through the wreckage.  That’s not a cut, that’s just me realizing that I’ve had my own journey through divorce. 

Divorce sucks.  There’s no winner, only losers; usually the kids.  The emotional toll is high, the taxes paid are in life force and lost time.  There’s no highroad, because at this point you’re taking something that was at one point one of the highest institutions and seeing it sullied, broken, done.

Personally, I do believe in marriage.  The institution; a moral and spiritual bond.  I’ve also fucked it up.  I know that.  I don’t deny my past.  And I’m sure that is one of the things that often hinders me when I get into relationship with others, especially the ‘pretty girl’ variety.

So K, she’s one of those people that you don’t forget.  Who seems so freaking strong, like 'She-Ra' strong but with a softball bat.  Underneath though, I know there’s a tender side as well.  A very loving, hurt little girl who just wants more in her life.  I hope she finds it now.  I really do.  I’ve prayed for her and I pray for her soul.

Here’s where I haven’t fully talked with her so I’ll just say it here.  I don’t believe we can find peace until we find peace deep within our soul.  A peace that passes all understanding.  Something bigger than us.  Mine is God.   I don’t know what hers is.  I have mentioned it a couple of times but I don’t press.  I just try to show that even fuck-ups like myself can still find something bigger.

K, I’ve learned a lot from you. I’ve fought with you as well. And you are special to me. Thank you for being my friend.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.”

James 1:2-6

~ Peace

The Burtle 

For a moment, for a season, for a lifetime

Real-ationships.  What does that even look like?

Transparent 

Honest

Depth

Available

Sitting

Laughter

Those are just a few words I came up with.

It’s seems to me that most of us are striving for something.  Life’s journey.  And along the way I have personally found that one of the things that truly matters is those that are around us. Those on the journey with us, that come in and out of our lives, that help inspire, teach, correct and even love us.

Sometimes this comes in the form of a single interaction, a brief interlude.  Sometimes it comes in the hand that walks beside you for a season, just like the years follow through different times, these people are there during a struggle, during a time of joy, during a time of pushing through.  And then there are some who are there for our lifetime.  I’m not just talking about family, because I have a firm belief that family often presents itself deeper than just skin and blood.  But there are some who just always show up; are always there and never fade.   A rare few.

On my own personal journey I try to embrace one day at a time.  It’s the simplest course.  It doesn’t get mired down in what’s going to happen six months from now, it doesn’t ignore the day and leave it wanting.  It helps suck the marrow out of every moment.  And it is not without thought for the future. But there is no future without today. We have to take advantage of the moments ahead of us. Time is fleeting and precious.  If we’re not careful we will run out of it before we know.

There are people in my life that have been there for just a split second.  Some who have been there since day one. Though the relationships always change, there are those who have suffered through all of my crap and still remain. (Thank you!)

As I look at the ones around me, those in my memories and those that are currently beside me, I am thankful.  Blessed.  I have relationships that go back 30 years and I have some that go back just a few moments.  And they are all very special. They all help teach us, guide us, make us better.  Even the hard ones.  Because life isn’t just easy.  Life isn’t just ‘happy happy joy joy’.

Life. Is. (F*ing) Hard. 

And I chose to take it, with the ones who come along…

One step at a time.

~ Peace

The Burtle