the sandpaper analogy

In my tool belt I carry the array of tools that I use most often throughout the work day.  I’m a carpenter now - each day cutting, bending, fastening and yes, sanding to get each project one step closer to completion.

When I look down, there is always at least one piece of sandpaper in the side pocket of that belt.  One of the most underrated and useful tools I wield.  And I’ve reflected on the significance of sandpaper in relationships a lot recently.  Here’s part of a text I sent about a year ago to a friend…

“We don’t change the core of who we are. When someone comes along that we decide to spend time with, we should be like sandpaper. They meet us where we are; they help to smooth out certain parts and we help smooth out parts of them as well. Not changing totally, but refining each other.

It’s taking the ‘iron sharpens iron’ verse* from the Bible and putting it in an example that most people can understand. I didn’t make it up, but I have been refining it for a while now.

The end result is two people who know how to hit the rough areas, work on refining, growing, and smoothing out each other to be vessels of use in the relationship and for God.”

I feel that this is what is missing in many relationships - friendships, family dynamics, work relationships.  When we’re truly working with someone in relation, we come beside them, striving to make each other better.  Some days we help guide them, others they lead us and help shape us, but we do this together.  Each day I go to work with one young man who does that better than just about anyone I’ve ever witnessed it in.  He pushes me and helps me grow each and every day.

I know I haven’t always been that.  Especially in love-centered relationships, I’ve gone in gung-ho and tried to save, shed my skin and attempted to be someone I wasn’t. I’ve coerced with my strong opinions and personality and I’ve shriveled when wounded by aggression from a partner.

Tonight I’m sitting here just before midnight alone.  I spend a lot of time like this, and it’s actually not bad.  God is always here.  I have people I can reach out to and surround myself with when it’s the right time.  But I’ve been praying.  Like deep, guttural, ugly prayers to God.  For him to place a person in my life to commune with.  After over a year of just getting healthy, I’ve asked him to open that door.  To let someone who wants to do this life together come in.

I trust God.  And he’s talked about how we were meant to be in relation with him and also in relation to one other.  There is a significance in the person who is willing to pray with, hold your hand, share the strengths and the sadness that life presents.  I do not take those verses lightly.  Nor the heroic stories of Ruth, Abigail, Mary - strong women who served God and also had a commitment to a man of God.

So there.  It’s live, on this blog.  That’s what I’m asking for.  And I will wait on him.  The best this impatient, selfish-at-times man can.

~ Peace

The Burtle

* Proverbs 27:17 - "As iron sharpens irons, so one person sharpens another"

The Greatest Gift

“Time keeps on slipping, slipping… into the future” 

~ Fly Like an Eagle, Steve Miller Band

The one thing that we can give but never get back in return, unless it’s shared, is time.

Time is infinite, yet we are only gifted one second at a time.  I personally believe that life goes on long after we’re done walking this planet, but here on earth we are given just a small portion.  We can’t make it up, we can’t re-create it, we can only move through it… one moment at a time.

So our treasures are not found just in riches or in family; in relationships or in material possessions. We show what we value in where we place our time.  Because let’s face it, that hour that we spend in a deep conversation, hours spent on a project not just to make something better, but also to do something for someone or with someone; those moments show what matter to us.

Time.  

And time again proves where our hearts reside.

Because you can’t say you value something if you never have time for it.  I know I have told many peeps that I care about them, but then fail to reach out and even say hello on a semi-consistent basis.

What time is it? 

Time to show what really matters.

~ Peace

The Burtle

Empty Vessels

What if we started life as an empty vessel?  Everything we know being poured in, filling space and helping to shape and form us from the very beginning.  We grow, evolve, shrink, expand.  We change.  We are.

Then life cracks.  Instead of holding everything in the seams are pressed and all of our live is spilt out - on display for so many to see.  We find ourselves vulnerable, overwhelmed.  Angry at God, man, politicians, former bosses, our exes.

Retreat.  Fight.  Lash out.  Succumb.  There are so many possibilities.  So many ways we just try to survive.

What if instead we started over each day as that empty vessel.  Filling our days with all the good, all the bad.  All of life.  And instead of carrying so much weight into every day, we start fresh and anew with just what we need.  With space to grow, room to shed, sometimes filling to the rim, other times seemingly unchanged from dawn til dusk.

Tonight: I have to let go.  Not just of today’s fill, but of the last several weeks. 

Life.
Death.
Holidays.
A little boy.
Religion.
My two mini-adults.
Relationships.
Expectations.
A former employer.
Finances
Love.

Let it go (and not the damn song from “Frozen”).

And let God.

Tomorrow:  I am an empty vessel.  Waiting to be filled.

~ Peace

The Burtle

What we leave behind...

The phone call came at lunch yesterday. My dad very calmly said “Chad, I’ve got some bad news.”  My cousin had been in a motorcycle accident and was gone. I don’t know the details and I don’t need to.  He left behind three daughters, a son, a beautiful wife and a military record that I’m sure is exemplary; a legacy.  He will be missed.

< and I take a breath…>

I’ve spent six months working on a job that I have found so much enjoyment, peace, satisfaction, fulfillment, all the words and all the things…

All the feels.

In my life I can’t recall a position that I have been as consistent, as conscientious, learned as much, struggled at times and sincerely loved coming to work every single day. The good days and the bad days.

And that’s why I’m leaving.

Yes, I’m leaving.

I put in my notice on Monday.  Not because I’m stupid or I’m being foolish (I’ll save my foolishness for other arenas!), but because the opportunity arose to continue to work with someone I respect and trust.  A man who has a vision that I saw the day I met him.  To work beside a brother, a young man who I have continually learned from as we have taught each other and communicated in ways that grown men don’t always do. 

I’m thankful for the six months in a position that has allowed me to call myself a Carpenter.  A man who works with his hands and tries to do a damn good job every day - that there are things in life that are just worth breathing in and doing the best you can.  Now, what I am concerned with most is what I leave behind.

I’ve been bitter the last week.  Not like myself.  Angry over unmet promises in an employer and an establishment that doesn’t really think about the needs of the masses over the desires of the few.  And this is not a new struggle.  I am passionate about life.  When I see things that strike against my core, I bristle up and want to fight.  Yet, I haven’t fought outwardly.  The fight has been within myself.

When companies start to change and grow, or become weathered and start to fade or become less relevant, most have a legacy plan.  A plan of continuing forward with the work or closing the doors.  I’ve worked for many small companies that have gone different directions; some that have made a plan of continuing to work and succeeded in transitioning to new people at the helm.  I’ve seen others that have had to close their doors because they knew that it was the best thing.  To close up shop and realize it was good while it lasted.  What hurts the most are the ones that have no clue.  With no guidance, with no direction and there is no orderly direction.  And I try to live my life in good orderly direction (GOD), the best I can every day.

I’ve watched the company I work for struggle.  Not with finances, but with identity.  And while watching I’ve also had to think about myself; older, hopefully a little wiser.  What am I leaving behind from the last six months?  What am I leaving behind from so many years?  What do I want to my legacy to be?

Love.
Faith.
A sense of humor and a mockumentary of a life that I am so thankful for now more than ever.
My kids.

I am a carpenter.  And I follow a Carpenter.  I want to leave behind a ledger book of what I have done to live this life the best I can, and leave something behind, something that matters.  And I know that every time I look up and say ‘thank you', I’m thanking him for what he left behind.  Salvation, faith, hope.  One day at a time.

So, what is your legacy?    Life is short.  My cousin was in his mid 40s.  He left more than tears and bittersweet memories this Christmas.  He left a Legacy.  Life stops in an instant.  What message are you leaving behind?


~ Peace

The Burtle

for Justin, Jonathan and all the others that have blessed my life over the last six months/year.

ENOUGH

“You’re not good enough

You don’t deserve this

You don’t have what it takes

You aren’t worthy

You aren’t…”

I’m not.
I’m not good enough.  I don’t deserve anything.  Most days don’t have what it takes.  I’m not worthy.

But I am.
I am here.

There’s this whole big world out there that’s trying to sell us all something.  Make-up, Sports cars, Bit-coins, Anti-aging creams, Time.  Everyone has an agenda.  Something to buy, trade, convince that we desperately need what they’re hocking.

But what I am finding more and more is that there’s very little that I truly need.  Shelter, a bed, warm clothes when the temperature drops, food on the table, coffee (lot’s of coffee) and those who I chose to surround myself with (though many have been chosen for me - thank God for that).  I don’t want for much.  I don’t desperately need a new this or that.  Sure, I want things and I’ve had my own rabbit holes into retail therapy.

In my core there is finally a realization that those voices that I started this with - the not good enough, not strong enough - well they can jump off a F’ing cliff.  I’m tired of the voices that I’ve carried in my head directing my path.  Aren’t you?  The misguided sentiments, the false-truths, the LIES that we’ve been told or worse, we tell ourselves.  I won’t listen.  Not anymore.  

It took a lot of loss to finally claim life.  And my spiritual experience is something that I’ve often referenced in these meanderings (this blog).  I shared with someone just recently that I am not me without the hurts.  Yet, I am more than just the pain I’ve suffered, caused, witnessed, trespassed upon others.  I CLAIM LIFE.  Every Damn Day!  

You see in our core, in our inner-most being there is life.  There is more than what the world wants to sell us.  We see it in new babies being born or adopted.  We see it in hearts coming together to do this thing called life as husband and wife.  We find it not in the grocery store tabloids or on Social Media, but in breaths stolen at the break of day or lingering outside on a crisp December evening to watch the stars, sometimes with someone special.  Not in municipalities or religious trappings, but in the heart of regular citizens stopping at a car wreck to give first aid, to help preserve life - for just a little longer. 

<WE ARE ENOUGH>

We are here to exist, not to placate the obsessions of the nouveau-riche or the pompously bloated trillionaire.  But to build community and help others do life - better.  

We work and we play.  We live, and yes, we die.  We are.

So remember, on the worst days, when it all just SUCKS… that there is more.  In a smile shared.   A hug given.  A kind word.

That WE are enough.

~ Peace

The Burtle

Often Fight the Morning

Often fight the morning 
The shadows still fall
Around me as I’m sleeping
And I struggle to make sense of it all

Cool air of early autumn 
Rising wind brings back the thought
Of one year ago
I can’t help but meander
In the battles that I’ve fought

And looking back
There is comfort
In how each and every day 
is one more chance
To rise above my insecurities 
I find hope,
Get up and stand

This day rises before me
The shadows crumble and fall
As I take a breath
Inside of me
There is a hope,
A gentle call…

“You are enough”


11/08/21
clc

Part of something Big

<365 Days/1 Year>

We are small and insignificant underneath a God-etched landscape of stars.  We are travelers on this highway meeting many fellow pilgrims along the way.  We are colorful kaleidoscopes of passion and flame; hunger and thirst.

We breathe, we live, we believe.

No matter what belief system you take, you are part of this.  Everyone comes together to be part of a larger tapestry of hurts and woes, gladness and light; the pull and the push of striving, surviving and just fucking getting by sometimes.

We all are here.  We can grow and become; we can shrivel and wilt.  Or meander in the betweens…

I’ve meandered a greater portion of my life.  Stuck in hurts and disillusionment, fighting to breathe - hell fighting just to fight at times.  My rudder was finally corrected (just slightly) back in 2006.  An adjustment that opened me up and made me start talking about life.  Which meant talking about the past as well.  All of my past!  And over the next 14 years I thought I was getting better.  In many ways I was, but it wasn’t until last year, when I was at my worst that I truly realized just how small I was.  And instead of curling up, making myself smaller and dwindling away, I was given life. 

I looked up…

(Take my hand -

Trust me)

Looking up I am still always amazed at how I am a small part of this great universe.  An ‘ant marching’, a dandelion seed drifting on the wind, a speck of sand drifting between the ocean and the shore.

And I breathe in each day knowing that my small part is as significant as the largest mountain.  Because we all have significance.  We all have our stories and they unite in this big cosmic mass of who we are.  Who all of us are.

Good, bad or ugly, we all exist here together.

Parts of a whole.

Part of something Big.

~ Peace

The Burtle

Corner of the Sky

zadkiel

"If you wanna make the world a better place..."

I stopped using social media back in October of last year.  Somewhere inside I realized that my actions and the words and ‘life’ I represented on there didn’t match and honestly, it was all toxic (my opinion on ‘the book of Face’, ‘InstaF*?/‘ and other outlets hasn’t changed).  I was spiraling and was clinging to anything to get my voice heard.  And that was my pain - I didn’t feel heard.  For someone so damn loud in life, I felt small, insignificant and well, alone.  And isolation will kill you if you don’t find hope. 

Hope.  I had none.

I retreated from Social Media, my family, work - well there wasn’t any, and even my passions.

I tried to walk away from God.  My faith.

Fast Forward.  One Year.

I find myself seeing a very different man in the mirror.  


“I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could've been any clearer
If they wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself and then make a change”

~ MJ

And it didn’t happen quickly.  But it did happen in an instant.

So, as I look today, in a week filled with so many deep, painful reminders of last year, I can say without doubt or fear that I have found one thing over the last year.

Hope.

And it shows itself in some of the most peculiar ways…

This week has been a pretty hard week. Not a bad week but very physical and my body is weary.  One of the things that I use the most in my work is my truck.  And, as my daughter is fond of pointing out at times - I love her (the Truck, Silver) more than most people!  She’s been more reliable, driving all the way to Oregon and back, and more steady than most of the people in my life.

So, my truck went in the shop on Monday.  The repair is way more than I expected ($$$$) and it hit me; Emotionally. Financially.  Spiritually and really sent me teetering into negative emotions.  I just got so damn mad that I am still fighting, struggling to get by.  “Why, God?”  “WTF?”

The shop is owned by a friend.  I told him I needed to get it fixed but I would have to figure out the money.  He told me it didn’t matter, we could 'stretch it out'.  He knew I would pay him when I could.  I’ve been blessed over the last year with gifts like this. I’m going to pay for the entire repair.  But he’s giving me the gift of time.  And he is trusting that I will be good to my word.

As I shared this in a counseling session today, the man who is giving me time has showed me a Love that I don’t deserve.  A Trust that I’ve not earned except that I’ve always held to my word with him in regards to repairs on my vehicles.  Love expressed through a man I’m still thankful to call ‘friend’.

And I wept.  No - I gushed forth with a cry that I hadn’t done in quite a while.

I am blessed.  

So, very blessed.

And for the first time in my life - over the last year (November 19th!!!!!!!) I am truly grateful for every breath I breathe.  Every day I live.  Every choice I get to make to be this man who I really like a lot most of the time.

There were three individuals who, whether they knew it or not helped save me last year (God sends angels).  And I plan on thanking each of them in the next days.  They didn’t do the work.  That’s been my journey.  But they were instrumental in giving me just a flicker of light - of hope amidst the cacophony that was my world.  A, S and J - I will express that to each of you soon.

And there was a time when I posted these writings on Facebook longing to see just how many would like or take the time to read and comment.  Now I send it only to those I chose to share it with.  It’s personal, though never hidden.  It’s a part of me as much as my arm or my funky beard!  If you’re getting this then you are someone I want to know.  You’re part of my journey.  Thank you.

I get to be a man who loves himself, his kids, those closest to him.  One who is able to give love and receive it (one day).

Hope.

What a Fucking Year!!

~ Peace

The Burtle.

Zadkiel