Putting it to Bed

It's getting late.  Night has fallen on the day and all is settling in.

Some things in life are the same.  There comes a point where you just have to stop.  Take where you're at and put the day, the hurts, the dreams, everything that you've struggled with, hoped for, wanted, hated, away and realize that sometimes life just isn't what you wanted it to be.  Because of the hard moments, because of the lost futures.

It's getting late.  Put it to bed.

Surreal

Sometimes you find yourself in a weird sense of deja vu.  You can't imagine being back behind the lines.  Fighting the same battles you swore you'd laid down your rifle for.  It's quite surreal.  It's like seeing the images of your past but the players have changed.  The audience a younger, hipper group that is wondering if this sequel is going to be worse than the original.  You sit late and wonder why you're here.

The words spoken may seem different, but they hold a familiar ring.  You're still not good enough, you don't do enough, you haven't found a way to please those you are closest to.  The bedroom becomes less a battle zone than an ice castle.  The hopes you shared are now just the careful back and forth of a tennis match with no winner.  Lobbing back and forth for days - only the pitter patter of little feet brings joy and happiness to both of you.

The world turns, the days push on and you find you're still seeking peace, hope, faith?

Maybe.

The Writer Inside

Down deep is a writer. A man yearning to express more than just the mundane day to day. A minstrel, or maybe more a gypsy, wrapped inside a poet's soul, walking around in normal man's clothes. I am that man.  Trying to be a father, husband, a worker, and a good man, but also desiring to express the inner sanctum of my thoughts and being in words and music.  The struggle is epic. To deny one side leans towards losing all the relationships, the safety and stability I've worked for. But to deny the other, well that one is so, so devastating inside.

So how do I begin? Do I take the sad tale of a child that was wrongly removed from innocence, or do I take the young man who loved the thought of girls, creating poetry with words and melodies and being in a rock 'n roll band?  Or do I start from the unraveling of all the years of trying to be something I wasn't? Trying to find peace with no real healthy outlet.

I think I'll just take now. Where I've walked through so many things with more strength than I ever thought I could muster, and quite honestly crawling through at times with no strength at all. Now faced with the added addition of a larger family, a house that just HAS to become a home, and a man who still is longing for something deeper to give his thoughts and long lost dreams to.

Inside I won't be denied this any longer. And so I take pen to paper, try to break the rust off years being told I wasn't good enough, being told that it was something I could never succeed at.  Every day I write. Every day I find a thought or a notion that I put to paper. Every day I find something that allows me to let the inside speak. Some days the words flow so richly on the page, but others it's a quest for something to even inspire. But no matter what, I take the blank canvas before me and brush it with the ink of my thoughts, my tears and my joys. The ultimate me. In sadness. In laughter. And in peace.


7/19/16
clc

A Jedi's Guide to the Dark Side

Depression runs deep in us.  It's discussed.  Chronicled in medical journals. Glorified in the movies, and television. Scoffed at by those who don't understand it.  But it is real.  I can attest to that.  It lingers deep inside many of us and it can be overwhelming at times.  I know this because I'm just at the tail end of one of those periods of depression that remind me all to clearly of my past – my failures – my defeats – and even my triumphs.  But to chronicle my own struggles as of late – and how I've decided to move through them, I have decided to channel the great voice of Yoda…

“Listen, You Must”  LOL

So I present you with “a Jedi’s Guide to the Dark Side”:

I picture him sitting amidst the swamps of Dagobah, maybe at peace, but also in retreat.  Waiting for the ‘new hope” that he knows is coming.  Maybe he’s a Jedi master, but he might have also been battling a little tinge of the loss, the hopelessness…

Wait!  This is Yoda I’m talking about!

“Fear is the path to the dark side…fear leads to anger…anger leads to hate…hate leads to suffering.”

I know my own fears.  I know them so well that they don’t keep me up at night.  They invade all hours of my day.  When I am at my best, I am laughing and full of life.  In search for new projects and adventures.  At my worst, I am sullen.  I am broken and hiding inside the shell I dwell in.  The fear that he speaks of is so similar to the walls that start pressing in when depression is at it’s damnedest.  Anger.  Hate.  Suffering.  They come and find those places that are weakest and try to get a hold.  Try to take the life I have and turn it into something deformed.  Gross.  Weak.

There is my own secret place where I open up and fight it.  But there is also the place that I go to hide.  Like the almost forgotten planet where Luke first finds his new master.  Away from everything that I know, in that place I can either hide in anonymity or fight.  Train.  Grow in the thing the movies call the force. Find my purpose and give myself to being what I know I was born to be.  Which leads me to his next quote…

“That is why you fail.”

This comes in response to Luke doubting his own abilities – unable to raise his X-wing from the swamp.  Depression seems to find those areas where we have potential and instead of cheering us on – reminds us of our faults and insecurities.  The ways we don’t measure up.  Can’t ever measure up.  Our physical looks.  Our hearts.  Our abilities.  Our passions.  Finding SOMETHING to believe in is huge.  But this starts with who we are.  I’m not even kidding myself to think that I’ll ever be a mathematician or an astronaut (though that one would be REALLY cool!).  You have to be honest with yourself and others around you – the ones you trust.  I do deal with Depression. HEY, IF YOU’RE READING THIS – IF YOU DON’T GET ANYTHING ELSE FROM THIS BLOG, PLEASE GET THIS!  I struggle with this at times.  To the point that I know when I’m in a bad place and can admit it.  I did that over the holidays.  It sucks.  We worship superman and the heroes we idolize, but we are not bulletproof.  I’ve got plenty of the Dark Side, Kryptonite, Ghosts haunting me to never forget this.

But I do believe…

Maybe not today.  But soon.

That I will NOT FAIL!

I wake with the continued hope in what is out there.  In what I believe and knowing that even when it just sucks that there is a bigger life for me.

But here is the kicker, the final quote to draw from…

“Do. Or do not. There is no try.”

Isn’t that so simple.  Nike used “just do it!” for years, but this gives both sides of the discussion.  Either we DO something about where we’re at, or we DO NOT.  It’s not so clear what the outcome is if we do find the balls to DO – to move forward.  But I can assure you what will happen if you DO NOT.  Pain.  Fear.  Anger.  Suffering.

Find peace in knowing that you are not alone.  In even the worst of times know that there are SOOOOO many others who are in the same place.  Finding Truth (even if it’s the truth that the most evil person in the galaxy is your father…).  Finding Peace.  Finding a New Hope.