Movin' on UP!

There are many stops along the way.  Some filled with pain, misery.  Others with sudden joy or overwhelming need to tear up and let go.  We move on, we say goodbye - we leave.

There are many reasons why things change - and inevitably things do change.  Life isn't spent in neutral.  We move.  Seasons, the rotation of the earth (if you believe it isn't flat), our life cycle, even our beliefs can be tested and have to change - molded daily into more of what the creator wants us to see, to know.

I moved this week.  Not by choice; well I guess you could say I had a choice in the matter.  But more by reason.  I've spent most of my life in bondage of some form or another.  And what I had to realize is that I wasn't willing to be in servitude to a situation that was once so good for me, but had turned ugly - affecting my core and making me wrestle with the thoughts that had once brought me to my knees.

With a defiant yell inside my spirit I relented to the whims of oppression and said "I'll leave."  That was one week ago.  I knew my time in Little 5 Points (Atlanta) was coming to an end, but the way it ended gave me the swift spiritual kick in the ass I needed to leave, to change, to show love & tolerance, and to grow.  See, when I have faced situations like this before I would get as angry and loud as the person I was in conflict with - always making sure that I was louder, heard, seen - in all my ugly glory.

AND I started down this path.  Then stopped.

There was nothing to gain.

I hadn't held up to my end of our agreement.  I had asked to reevaluate.

And the response was as loud as the loudest CHAD-fired rage.  It was deafening.

"You can't live here unless you do work for me."  "I don't run a halfway house." I choose to not live a life built upon servitude to a raging Histrionic (look it up).  And the reason I know what this person is - well, "Spot it, you got it".

We have a distinct advantage over most other creatures in that we can live, feel, breath and think in ways that make us "just higher" than the creatures that surround us.  We have a soul.  I have been blessed.  I was blessed when I was given a place, a home back in Atlanta, and I have been blessed with the ability to see the situation before me and know when it wasn't right anymore.

My heart hurts for the loss, especially coming at the hands of two of the very people who I put trust in when I was so lost.  Whether wittingly or not, they attacked my sanity, my sobriety, my sense of being and most of all my security.  Making me feel like I was taking advantage of them by trying to discuss a situation that many much wiser than I saw as bordering on crooked.  All I had asked for was a voice.

And I got one.

God whispered in my ear right before the storm truly came full force - "call this person - they are waiting on you".  

I did.  And I sit here tonight, fully moved out of one place into another.  Moved by more than the people who lent a hand, but by the voice of my God.  Clearly looking out for one of the "least of these".

I nearly succumbed last week to my fears.  I still have them.  I still hold on tight when the storms come.  And though it's a move before I expected it, it is the right move.  The Next Right Thing.

So for now, Clarkston, I hope you will be good to me.  I am so happy to be here!

The Burtle

"Come, all you who are thirsty,
come to the waters;
and you who have no money, 
come, buy and eat!
Come, and buy wine and milk
without money and without cost.
Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and you will delight in the richest of fare."

Isaiah 55:1-2

~ and for A.W.

The Best I Ever Was

I'm healthier, stronger, more mentally and emotionally stable.  I'm sober - from many things.  I'm getting leaner (though I still have my belly), and I have deeper relations than I've ever had.  I truly am the best I ever was.

AND - I'm not done yet.

I keep pushing through the storms that come.  I rest when it's time to rest.  And I'm learning there is a balance between the two.  I am growing. 

I'm making amends (part of my recovery).  Going down my ledger book and trying to systematically and with concern and care for those around me, make right some of the wrongs I've done.  I'm not going to every person I owe an apology to and bending down on one knee and groveling, but I am humbly approaching the people that God has placed in my focus and seeking whatever it is supposed to be.  I don’t control this.  I’m along for the ride!

What I am learning more than anything else is willingness.  Willingness to be present - unencumbered by substances, by doubt, by false beliefs about myself that have so many times taken me down bitter paths. Willingness to grow and willingness to push beyond my own reasoning and into a bigger Hope.

Hope - now there’s a word.  Hope was something that I often tossed about in this blog, in conversation, in other writings.  But have I ever known what hope was until now?  I’ve always believed in life past this mucky place, and now I see that in the everyday, in the trials and tribulations that  there can be serenity.  A knowing that it isn’t all about me.  A hope in tomorrow, found in each waking moment of today.

And Faith. 

“Confidence in what we hope for and assurance in what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1

I have faith that tomorrow morning if I am allowed to wake, I will put on my work clothes, put myself to the tasks ahead of me, roll with the punches that come (those 'curveballs' in our day), and continue to look up and go ‘thank you God for this day’.  I hope that everything I do during the day is a prayer for the life I have been given. Taken out of a fucked up mess and put on a pretty solid rock.

But here’s the true litmus test… 

Listen to my words. But they don’t mean much. They only mean a little.

See my actions. But they can be fickle and trite; sometimes grandiose and other times just sorrowful. 

Really look at my patterns, my behaviors, my habits.

Because you can hear my words, you can see my actions, but I will be known by my patterns and behaviors.

So, looking back at eight months, and yes it’s been eight months since I found this new life; what do you see, what do you hear, and what do you know about me?

I encourage you to answer that question.  Then ask it of yourself.  “What do other’s truly see in me?”

And I’m still waiting…

Zadkiel

Sign-O-the-Times

Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone
If your time to you is worth savin'
And you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'

~ Bob Dylan

Faith without works is dead.  

It’s a simple concept, yet it was one that I criticized, manipulated and catastrophized often over the years.  Faith – the belief in something.  Works – doing, moving, well, working.  How the hell do these two exist in the same verse?  And how do they relate to me, now, today?

Then poof.  One simple, way too easy saying comes to my ears.  The source, my mentor.  “Do the Next Right Thing.”  “Do what?”, I bellowed, as I lay in a state of unrest and detoxification.  How do I do the next right thing when I can’t even get out of bed? 

“Chad, pray.”

“Chad, listen.”

“Chad, walk across the room.  Feed yourself.”

“Chad, walk outside.  Feel the sun on your face.”

“Chad….”  I think you get it by now.

I’m getting close to 8 months.  And it amazes me how different my place is now.  How so very different my path is.  How so opposite from anything I would have imagined a year ago, three years ago.  Hell, it’s even different from where I thought I would be 4 months ago. RADICALLY Different!  And it is that verse in many ways.  Faith exists inside me.  I’ve always clung to it.  I’ve always, except for a few very dark days last year and in the past, tried to let my belief in something bigger guide me.  But I always toyed with the works.  Sure, I could make it look like I was a great guy with biblical and social thoughts that made me heightened, even sometimes enlightened.  But at the core, I am still, even today the 14-year-old who’s learning to Do – The – Work.  

I am amazed as I look down at my hands and see the change.  I always prided myself on my soft hands.  Even through years of drumming and playing other musical instruments I kept them very clean and unblemished.  Now I look and they are so different.  I am so different.  My core remains very true to who I am, but now my outside is changed.  I am stronger physically; I am still bull-headed (maybe Bison-headed!) and I am calloused.  Inside and out I have those scars that make me unique, sometimes crusty and always a mix of silly and salty – within moments of each other.

I was going to be with a special person forever.  That changed.*  

I was going to teach again.  A new school, a new side of town.  That changed.

I was going to drink myself to death.  I’m still here.

I was going to stay huddled in my ‘cave’ and hide from the world.  Well, if you know me you know I don’t do the wallflower AT ALL!

I am still a Father.

I am a Son.

I am a Man of Faith.

I am Broken, and yet put back together.

I am Tender, yet Firm.

I am a Carpenter.

I am a Friend.

I am really fucking Real.

And I am loved.

The Times, they are a changin’.  One day at a time.  One moment at a time.

~ Peace

The Burtle.

Zadkiel

* I still pray...