my Feet

"I was told to look at my feet.

They brought me where I am (the past), will take me where I’m going (the future), and they keep me in the present, if I just look at them.

And breathe."

When things start spinning around inside my head, I sit, I breathe deep and I take this advice.  It’s proven over and over to be the simplest way to ground myself.  To ‘root’ myself back in the truth (and God and everyone else knows I need to be Well Rooted!!!!)

I know my past; it’s mine.  I’ve lived it, and regardless of how hard it is, it remains in the past.  Sometimes grounding me and other times making me ‘boo-hoo’ about the place I’m currently in.  My past can reminisce like the tales my grandparents and mom would often tell about people I really didn’t know.  And that’s where I’m at.  I know my core, my soul, but the man who lived most of the 40 years before now is mostly a shadow that I recognize, but have no desire to emulate.

The future - well, I think this one unsettles me more than the past most days.  Future TRIPPING is exactly that - a BAD TRIP down a road I may never actually travel.  I don’t know the future.  Can’t tell it, predict it any more than Ken Cook could predict the weather back in his days on Channel 5 in Atlanta.  I know NOW (the present).  I know where I am.  Sure I have thoughts, hopes, even dreams of a future.  But in reality, the path ahead of me is ever evolving and honestly I try to turn it over anytime I get ahead of myself.  Who do I turn it over to?  Well, God.  That’s my source, my guide, my stronghold.  

Never in a million years did I think I would be a carpenter, and at 50!  I was a *blank* *blank* music teacher for most of the past 20 years before Covid.  And this new path was started a long time ago.  Tinkering with musical instruments in high school and college.  Restaining old furniture.  Building a shed in 2014.  Doing a full renovation side by side with my contractor ex-father-in-law in 2016.  Building boxes and artwork out of reclaimed Barnwood.  The pieces were all there.  I just didn’t know what picture the puzzle was supposed to look like.  

So tonight I look at my feet.  I’ve worked hard today - finishing stage one of a large deck project at work.  I’ve had communication with some really cool people in my life.  I got to say “I love you” to my kids.  I’ve written.  I’ve prayed.

I’m sitting here looking at my feet.  Thankful.  Blessed.  

Alive. 

~ Peace

The Burtle

ROCKETMAN

Started watching the biopic 'Rocketman' - the story of Sir Elton John.  Musician.  Man.  More.  And I started thinking about change. 

Here is a man that, whether you like him, care for his music, lifestyle - is the epitome of what we all face each and every day.  Change.  Realizing who we really are.  Finding ourselves amidst the voices that have been telling us what we 'ought' to be.  Wanting more...

Life changes.  Sure my core might not change much, but my hairline, girth, aches and pains from age CHANGE.  My political and philosophical views change.  I change.  I've evolved much in 50 years.  I've seen more than I care to share on this page.  I've hurt.  Loved.  Lost.  And Changed.

I was born to be a middle-class white child who had no real fears.  I had to change and adapt to survive the damage done and the onslaught of fears that came from abuse.  I changed and hid inside a pseudo-world filled with faith promises and dark corners of despair.  I've changed my mind.  Changed my hairstyle; my attire.  Changed location.

Adaptation can be survival, but it can also be rebirth.  Reginald Kenneth Dwight was born in the United Kingdom in 1947.  He was special.  Different.  Talented.  Misunderstood.  And he could have just been "Reggie" and the world might not have been blessed with "Candle in the Wind", "The Bitch is Back", "Your Song" and countless others.  He shed the name and became who he was inside - Elton Hercules John.  To shed the past isn't always turning our back on it fully.  It can be an awakening into where that journey takes a right turn (the next right turn) into the path that lay ahead.

Change.  It's hard.  It's sometimes lonely, "it's lonely out in space".  We drift in a sea of our own worries, schedules, rituals and routines.  Our kid's activities, Netflix binging, staying up late out of fear for the workday that will come.

Relationships change.  My mentor told me a while back, "relationships either end or change".  I balked at this for a bit, then realized how true it was.  I lost the person I thought was the perfect person for me.  It ended.  I was torn.  But in retrospect, it was toxic.  We were toxic.  My relationship with my father, though often strained in the past has changed.  I am thankful for that change, even in the light of the circumstances that surrounded it, the loss of my mother.  Every day I try to figure out new ways to change the relationship I have with my youngest son.  He's 6 and I continually have to find new ways to connect; for him to know that dad is present even though we're worlds apart.

I change.  I've grown sullen in some areas.  I want more - a relationship that CAN change, grow.  Yet, I wait on God (trying to be patient) and hope in his plan.  I pray for the day I can sit, grow, change with someone... like Elton's words below.

"It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside

I'm not one of those who can easily hide

I don't have much money, but, boy, if I did

I'd buy a big house where we both could live

And you can tell everybody this is your song

It may be quite simple, but now that it's done

I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind that I put down in words

How wonderful life is while you're in the world"

~ Elton John/Bernie Taupin

Alone, in outer space or inside the world of our mind is a scary place to be.  Breathe in the change that might be as simple as just opening up to another human being.  Look them in the eye and say...

(you fill in the blank)

~ Peace

The Burtle

"And I think it's gonna be a long, long time

'Till touch down brings me round again to find

I'm not the man they think I am at home

Oh, no, no, no

I'm a Rocketman

Rocketman burning out his fuse up here alone"

~ Elton John/Bernie Taupin