Sometimes We Walk Away

In 2020 my dad walked away. More specifically, he stepped away from a very sick son who wasn’t willing to get help.

Amidst the darkest part of 2020, three or four days after my mom was buried, my dad told me I had to leave. And before you get all upset at that statement, realize I was a fucking mess! I also was loud and wanted everyone to know just how fucking miserable I was. He told me I needed to get help and that I had to go. Before this I had raised my voice in the house, stood ready to have a fist fight with my brother and took my antics outside amongst his community as doors were opening and I could see lights going on outside trying to find out what the commotion was. Well, the commotion was me . A sick puppy, indeed!

Sometimes we have to walk away - from a job, a relationship, from family, from behaviors that just want to kill us. Three years ago I met a group of people who have shown me how to do that.  And to also see and understand that there were people who couldn’t deal with me anymore.  It was a harsh reality. And there were some people who stayed. Damn they were brave! I don’t know that I would’ve. But they did.

The crazy can get to be ‘normal’. Can become a regular part of what we consider healthy living. Toxic behaviors can seep in and become part of the norm. Part of our existence. Often without us even fully realizing it. 

People, places, things:

When I was living in little five points (Atlanta, Georgia) I soon realized that one of the biggest drug dealing operations in the area was being handled behind the tattoo shop that I lived adjacent to. And then I found it to be fully accessible. So in my hardest moments it was just another place that I thought was okay. It was helping me cope, or at least I thought. 

I never wanted to go back over there once I got clean. But living there wouldn’t have been healthy for long-term. And I eventually moved. I had to make a change. I had to walk away. 

Even in the last three years I’ve learned that there are people who have walked away from me. Because honestly, they didn’t trust me anymore. Just because you get healthy for yourself doesn’t mean other people can look past the past. And it’s okay.

That day my dad told me to leave, that I needed to get help may have been one of the ‘best-hardest’ moments in my life. I surfed couches and slept in my truck for the next couple of months. It was good because I did finally find help. It could’ve gone a much different way.  Thankfully, after trudging through the darkness there was light.

I still try to guard myself. I don’t want to be a stumbling block for someone else, nor do I want to allow the negative into my life when I don’t have to.  My living situation has just recently changed. I had a very toxic presence that just wouldn’t go away. It kept bringing drama, issues, lies. It’s gone now. I didn’t do anything other than try to be patient and stand my ground.  Oh, and prayed a ton!!

I can’t put a bubble up and live inside it. But I can have boundaries. Don’t we need those? And I want people to be part of my life. If you’re healthy, or at least trying to get healthy, I damn well want to know your story.

If you’re not, I wish you well.

And sometimes when we walk away, we get to walk into something new. It opens up space for us to breathe a little deeper and to be open for others. Just my two cents!

~Peace

The Burtle

And sometimes people walk back into our lives, once we’re healthy and working on being whole. Life is a mysterious journey… Kind of like Forrest and his chocolates, “you never know what you’re gonna get!”

‘ties’

There’s a saying:

“I’ll fight to the death for my kids.” 

And I’ve experienced those same emotions and mentality; that I would go down swinging if anything were to happen to them or if they were in trouble. 

But…

Why don’t we do the same thing for ourselves? I was raised in a culture where taking care of those around you was often more important than being healthy yourself. And as I’ve looked across the current landscape, it seems it hasn’t changed much. Selfish is not what I’m talking about, I’m talking about learning how to truly love yourself and show it. Every day.

What if we fought for ourselves as much as we fight for our kids? Maybe we need to let go of some of those family ‘ties’ and figure out/ love ourselves first? 

Those around us will be there. And they might even respect us more as we continue to work on being the best version of ourselves, which includes looking to those around us, serving, loving - Hell, just being kind!

Just a thought.

~ Peace

The Burtle

P.S. - boundaries aren’t bad either.

The Wonder of Not Knowing

I’ve got a friend, I’d almost say brother.  We met at a time when both of us were working on getting healthy.  What I didn’t know is that he was battling much more than substances or other issues, he was battling with Life.

It’s definitely put my life in perspective. On my worst day I’m in pretty decent health.  I’ve got a job and good people around me, and so far I haven’t had a major health challenge and I’m facing my mortality relatively well.  I’m SURE I still do stupid stuff that could push me closer to facing that, but I’m not looking at death square in the eyes every day.

I love this man. He’s a good guy. A little rough around the edges and definitely a hell of a curmudgeon, but that’s what makes him who he is. I am just glad to call him friend. 

What he’s facing (what we all ultimately face) made me think. It made me angry. It’s made me question. Other than facing death, what is there really to fear? I’m not saying that facing death has to be fearful, but that may be the one thing that there’s a little tinge of ‘what if’ to.  At least in my mind.

At everything else there is a wonder in the not knowing. There is beauty in a surprise. There is heightened anticipation and a stirring that comes from having to wait and not even knowing what the outcome is going to be. 

Baseball season just started and it is one of the most brutal trudges in the world. It’s long people! So many games and it’s just a battle (and yes, some of you will say it’s boring… But it damn well isn’t boring to me!) and I love it.  I have no clue what’s gonna happen from the first pitch to the seventh inning to the ninth. And yet I still check every night to see what the scores were, sometimes watching a couple of videos - just keeping up. I don’t live my life around it but I do love the sport. And it is one of those arenas where you just don’t know. There are teams that spend close to $300 million each season to have the best team in the world, yet they still don’t win it all. And there are teams that don’t spend much that actually compete. Not the Oakland A’s, they just suck - but that’s more about management and ownership and political factions in a city that seems to be wilting away.

I love the fact that I don’t know what Life is going to bring. It’s one of the joys I find in life. I don’t like to plan too heavily. I do like to plan, but hell, my plan’s going to change. And that’s okay.

There was a point in life when I just couldn’t handle that. And then I changed my mind lol. 

I don’t know what you’re facing, I don’t know what is bugging you or what the big looming decision in your life is, but I do know that it’s okay to not know.  I don’t have any answers for you. 

Because I don’t know. And that is the wonder of it. 

We get to live it. Good, bad and ugly. 

We get to live! For just a little while…

Oh, and Kent… You’re a good man. We all love you!  I know I do.

~ Peace

The Burtle

One Step at a Time

 A mile starts one step at a time…

Like duh!!

But how do we take that first step?

Well, for the last three years I’ve been doing just that.  Taking one step at a time.  Sometimes quickly moving ahead.  Other times a slow trudge, even sidesteps and an occasional ‘back it up, realign. Get my head on straight and go again’.

The mountain top (which I’m currently looking up at) is a blur ahead.  And that’s not the focus - might be the endgame, but right now it’s stretching, breathing and looking down at my feet (making sure I tied my fucking laces!) and taking that first step.

Then the next.

Then the next.

Action, especially when guided along the way is what it takes.  The trail is action.  My legs getting warm - realizing this lazy butt is really going to go up there, today?! is action.

And sometimes the action is pulling off to the side of the trail.  Slowing down.  Stopping.

Taking rest.  Solace in knowing that in those moments when we catch our breath, meditating on this journey is ALL moving us toward that peak.

And oh, what a view from the top - especially when you see how far you’ve come.

One mile.

One step at a time.

~ Peace

The Burtle

I Hope You Fail.

I want you to fail…

at least once in your life, if not multiple times, just maybe not as many times as I have. 

I want you to fall on your face and realize you’re not enough. Because we’re not. Not alone. No matter how incredibly healthy, intelligent, wickedly smart and full of ourselves, we need each other. Because sometimes in our failing we learn about ourselves, we learn about those around us, those who will actually show up. We learn about life. 

People who’ve never failed scare the fuck out of me. How in the world can you go through life without ever having to get up off of your knees? Look, I’m not advising you to bottom. I can give you that story and it’s not pretty. But failing is part of life. How many attempts did NASA have trying to get a rocket into space? How many times did Abraham Lincoln try to win a political office? How many times have I picked myself up,  brushed off the dirt and realized it was time to begin again? I don’t think we set out to fail, but I do think we often times set out to not fail. To not falter. To not have any hardship. And that’s just not life. Fear and contentment can keep us in a world of mediocrity and lack of growth.

If your life has never been hard, who the fuck are you and what are you drinking? I’m sorry to sound harsh, but everyone has a struggle. Addiction, mental health, family dynamics, divorce, health issues, hell, all of them!! Spiritual disease and abuse?

Here’s the other side… today I am truly thankful for my failings. Even the hard ones. I’ve struggled this week with being an absent parent. That’s how I feel at times. My two older kids are coming up upon the eight year anniversary of their mom tragically passing. They were 15 and 16 when it happened. How in the hell do you walk through that? I don’t know. I never know what to say. My youngest lives across the country and even though we chat every day on FaceTime, only seeing his face on the screen just screams “I’m not enough”. And maybe I’m not? I feel like a failure in that area. And yet my mentor told me yesterday “that’s just dealing with life”. And we all deal with life. Again, you ‘bubble people’ don’t have to read any further… 

What’s your challenge? And how do you face it? What is the area that looms over you? That traumatizes you and makes you freeze, or it makes you run for the hills? I had three men who I consider guides along the way as I was getting back on my feet in 2020. A counselor and two mentors who took a stranger by the hand and said “it’s going to be okay”. My life is much better, even on cold nights with the heat doesn’t really seem to work. I get to get up and breathe. I get to live. And I’ve still had my failings, but they are less and they are less drastic. And I’m trying to learn from them. One step at a time.

End it seems that the right people have been there when I need help. That I’m not alone.

So, if you’re struggling, it’s okay. You’re not alone. And if you’re falling… There’s someone who will be there. You may not believe in God, but I do. my God put those three men in my life and continues to show up. Maybe you need to find your own higher power? I suggest starting with looking within. And then realizing you don’t have to be alone. 

I’m here. Reach out if you need anything

I hope you fail.

And grow into something even more beautiful.

~ Peace

The Burtle