Sometimes We Walk Away

In 2020 my dad walked away. More specifically, he stepped away from a very sick son who wasn’t willing to get help.

Amidst the darkest part of 2020, three or four days after my mom was buried, my dad told me I had to leave. And before you get all upset at that statement, realize I was a fucking mess! I also was loud and wanted everyone to know just how fucking miserable I was. He told me I needed to get help and that I had to go. Before this I had raised my voice in the house, stood ready to have a fist fight with my brother and took my antics outside amongst his community as doors were opening and I could see lights going on outside trying to find out what the commotion was. Well, the commotion was me . A sick puppy, indeed!

Sometimes we have to walk away - from a job, a relationship, from family, from behaviors that just want to kill us. Three years ago I met a group of people who have shown me how to do that.  And to also see and understand that there were people who couldn’t deal with me anymore.  It was a harsh reality. And there were some people who stayed. Damn they were brave! I don’t know that I would’ve. But they did.

The crazy can get to be ‘normal’. Can become a regular part of what we consider healthy living. Toxic behaviors can seep in and become part of the norm. Part of our existence. Often without us even fully realizing it. 

People, places, things:

When I was living in little five points (Atlanta, Georgia) I soon realized that one of the biggest drug dealing operations in the area was being handled behind the tattoo shop that I lived adjacent to. And then I found it to be fully accessible. So in my hardest moments it was just another place that I thought was okay. It was helping me cope, or at least I thought. 

I never wanted to go back over there once I got clean. But living there wouldn’t have been healthy for long-term. And I eventually moved. I had to make a change. I had to walk away. 

Even in the last three years I’ve learned that there are people who have walked away from me. Because honestly, they didn’t trust me anymore. Just because you get healthy for yourself doesn’t mean other people can look past the past. And it’s okay.

That day my dad told me to leave, that I needed to get help may have been one of the ‘best-hardest’ moments in my life. I surfed couches and slept in my truck for the next couple of months. It was good because I did finally find help. It could’ve gone a much different way.  Thankfully, after trudging through the darkness there was light.

I still try to guard myself. I don’t want to be a stumbling block for someone else, nor do I want to allow the negative into my life when I don’t have to.  My living situation has just recently changed. I had a very toxic presence that just wouldn’t go away. It kept bringing drama, issues, lies. It’s gone now. I didn’t do anything other than try to be patient and stand my ground.  Oh, and prayed a ton!!

I can’t put a bubble up and live inside it. But I can have boundaries. Don’t we need those? And I want people to be part of my life. If you’re healthy, or at least trying to get healthy, I damn well want to know your story.

If you’re not, I wish you well.

And sometimes when we walk away, we get to walk into something new. It opens up space for us to breathe a little deeper and to be open for others. Just my two cents!

~Peace

The Burtle

And sometimes people walk back into our lives, once we’re healthy and working on being whole. Life is a mysterious journey… Kind of like Forrest and his chocolates, “you never know what you’re gonna get!”