Paint Blue the Air (Writing it out)

Cower in the corner

The night still full of horrors of 

What did I do wrong?

Don't understand, this is what I would become

A man plagued with uncertainty

Unleashed demons, that I didn't breed

From someone else's demented soul

Now I get the gift of never being whole

Child of 5, 6 and 7

Knew much more of hell than any real heaven

Though no one else knew anything happened

"Remember, this is our secret"

Just a 'normal' boys world

At least it's all I knew, how could I ever tell?

Tainted right from the beginning

Though for a long time I forgot remembering

Cause it just didn't seem everything was right

I was growing, learning, figuring wrong from right

So instead of words, I found the silence

In keeping secrets, built my own solace

In places no one could touch, deep inside my mind

Where no man, no one would ever find

But my lust, my young hungerings 

Played out into dressing on top of teenage dreams

The young man who went to church

Was possessed of feelings that would make many burn

And that's the way I learned survival

Bare essentials to protect and hide from

The good, the bad, the holy and hell

You'd never know how much I felt I'd failed

Miserable, but inside there's something

I found that no scar could ever keep me

From looking at the skies above

Thought of heaven, rock-n-roll and love

This kid dared to dream beyond this planet

And the shadows that I wouldn't dare let

Keep me from something more

(Though most days it was just waking, getting out the door)

Then fear came back.

Right in front of me.  He stood. Like an attack.

And to him, it was like nothing had happened,

Hell, I'd never ratted him out, kept his 'secret'

Maybe twenty years might heal some wounds

But that day, it was all back, too, too soon.

I didn't flinch, instead I kept my composure

And in that greeting, no one noticed

The little explosions going off inside my head

Slowly crippling my emotions, wished I was dead

The place I kept those secrets 

was the only retreat I could find quickly

And I went there, hoping to never come out

And for a few years, I even thought I'd found

New life, new passions, revival

But it's never gone.  There's always a little pain.

Once you face it, with faith that you can stand

Those tears still flow, some days hard as rain

Shudder like thunder, find lightning in your veins

But the storms pass...

And life flows again.

I don't know where he is, nor do I really care

There was a time I wanted nothing more, than to make the world aware

But even though I hate him, as the child who didn't have a choice

I no longer want to destroy him, but I'd like him to hear this voice...

"I am no better or worse than you.  I am just as broken.

I just wish you knew all the years you've taken, stolen.

I'll answer for my sins one day soon.

You will too."

When I cower in that corner, when night hits hard and I fail.

I still may cry, retreat inside, sometimes weep and wail.

But I have the right to get up. Leave that 'me' behind.

Find peace in better moments, know I'm not losing my mind.

Sunrise comes, even though there was a day I didn't care...

I don't chose the clouds to break, vanquish night or paint blue the air.

I just find those simple moments to laugh (yes) and breathe.

The past is what it is, the days ahead are up to me.

6/7/17 

clc

cour·age

noun

1. the ability to do something that frightens one.

"he called on all his courage to face the ordeal"

2. strength in the face of pain or grief.

"he fought his illness with great courage"


The cliff stood right in front of me.  The drop would be deadly.  I've been here before.  There's nothing that rivals the terror of total hopelessness, total despair.  I stood there once before and shrugged it off.  Stood there again and actually stepped...  But that time I was given the chance to undo some of the hurts that bound my spirit.  This time I didn't even approach.  Instead I called out...

"Help!!!! I need Help!!!"

Recently I had to stop and to recognize the world around me was crashing.  That all I had kept in place for so long was falling down around me.  And as much as I felt I was in a good place, I had to take a step back and realize that I needed help.  


So here I am.

I am not a coward.  I do have moments that I run.  I have had those my entire life.  But then there are the times I turn and fight.  Not fighting my wife, my kids, the corporate monster that I work for, but fighting the demons that have haunted parts of my soul since a child.  Quite honestly, fighting the hopelessness that used to overwhelm most every day.  And in those times of standing, fighting, I've learned and grown the most as a child, and a man.

I am SCARED!! 

I am quite petrified at times right now by the unknown.  But I do realize that I can let it make me freeze, stop and become mired in my own muck, or I can face the unknown with the realization that it doesn't control me.  Take charge of me.  Let myself be vulnerable to the ones I want to open up to, and shield myself from the pain that comes from those who want to cause it.

I have made serious mistakes that need to be reckoned with.  But I have also decided to reach out and to find HELP!  I am still deeply entrenched in the battle.  But I have decided to not turn tail and run, but to Fight.  Fight for the life I want.  Fight for the hope of a future with my wife. A new direction for the family I have, the ones I love so much.  Fight for the path my heart, mind and spirit will take.

But to do this takes courage beyond just the words.  September 1st I knew things were different.  That instead of living in a state of delusional euphoria, that I would face my recent decisions and move forward.

I am unwilling to run.  

I am unwilling to let my decisions go unanswered.

I am unwilling to live the life I was living.

I am unwilling to just say goodbye to my heart without a fight.

Fight with love, with actions, with deeds, with words that have a foundation in the deeper truth of my being.

I am.

I am Here.

I am beaten down, medicated, analyzied and still fully devoted to reclaiming the world, the life I want.  

Hopefully with her.  Hopefully with some semblance of a promise we made each other years ago.

Hopefully.

But I have to stand.  To keep moving on regardless.

I may not be the most courageous, but I'm learning that the best way is through an honest vulnerability that may open up eyes and hearts to my true self.

So as I'm spending the next couple of weeks on medical leave, I know it's for me to find some time to reflect, to gain perspective.  To write out my heart and the answers that I need to give. Maybe even add some questions that I need to find the answers to as well.

Courage.

It's in my heart.