I get mad at God. Really fucking mad. Today is one of those days; when I don’t understand why. I know he’s got a plan, but I think his plan is fucking bullshit sometimes. She was the better parent. I was off on a new adventure and she was the one who truly took care of them. They didn’t deserve that. They didn’t deserve to lose their mom. How do you get over that?
Life often sucks as it is. I try to be the most optimistic person I can. But I hate him sometimes for that. For what one eight year old boy went through. For what two teenage kids went through. For the fighting and hurts that a two year old had to see. For the harshness of life.
He says it’s gonna be hard, and I will tell you this, we ain’t had it easy. And we are surviving. First thing I did this morning was take my phone and tell both of them I love them. Tell them that I’ll be there in the best way I can. And that I’m sorry. They’re both living. They’re both doing life the best they know how. And we’ll see where their journey takes them.
It’s almost like the scene at the end of When Harry Met Sally… When she’s looking at him saying over and over again, “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you…” Because when someone you love hurts you, you hate it. But you still love.
I love those kids; Cade, Cambrey and Topher. I love them so much. I don’t know if they realize that. They have a dad who doesn’t always do it real well: who has had his own struggles. Who has looked death in the eye and laughed. And, I get to be present. I get to talk to both of them today and I get to just say “I don’t know if it’s going to be okay, but it’s gonna be okay.”
Tears are a spiritual reset. Guess it’s time to reset…
And -
He gave me the opportunity to truly be a parent; to be dad.
He held me through my own hell; and guess who was there when I was sick? They were.
He gave me a way of life that rescued me from myself. One day at a time.
He gave me joy. Holy Fuck I never understood that.
And He gave me the opportunity to love on them today.
I am blessed. Even while preparing to work in freezing temps (for the south). I am truly blessed.
Pray for my kids today. For those you love who’ve been through loss. For the loss of parents, kids, relationships, ourselves…
I know someone who’ll listen, even when you hate Him for it.
~ Peace
The Burtle
