Lasso the Sky

I had a friend recently tell me that you can’t tie a lasso around a bird.  They have to fly free.  And I immediately knew the sentiment.  The times that I have flown the highest are those when I was free to spread my wings and soar.  Sailing on the wind, letting the fresh breeze hit my face.

Yet, sometimes I make mistakes when I take a leap… try to fly on my own.  You can’t fly without the wind underneath your wings.  It’s a scientific fact, the factor of lift.  Science meets faith whenever a plane lines up on the runway or when an eagle spreads itself out to soar over the Western skies.

It’s a leap of faith every day that we open up, approach the cliff and hope to soar.  The view up there is glorious when we touch the clouds, just shy of heaven.

And sometimes we fall.

Grounded.

Physically

Emotional

Mentally

Spiritually

Finding myself back on the ground, looking up, but not sure how to mend. How do broken wings heal and eventually soar again?

Flying isn’t passive.  Even when just riding an air current with wings fully spread, there are forces that direct and guide.  Kinda like God.

I’ve landed back in Atlanta.  Whether it be for a couple of months or the rest of my life, who the hell knows?!  But I’m here.  One thing I will say about myself is that I don’t mind taking a risk if I feel like it’s worth it.  In the last two years my risk-taking has been a lot less fatal.  I know there are things that scare others, but taking a couple of months to see if a new city (Charlotte) was worth it; I don’t consider that a failure (at least I’m still trying to convince myself that it wasn’t a failure lol).  What I do realize is that baby steps are ok, that breathing is good and recharging is not only necessary, it’s critical right now.

I was running away from situations in Atlanta that I wanted to remove myself from and in typical Chad form, I jumped immediately into a bigger storm and now I’m finding myself looking back down at my feet. 

Where I stand.

I hope to not be grounded for long.  And the incredible support that I have around me keeps telling me to just take a moment; in, out - keep breathing…

We can’t lasso the spirit.  That inner voice, that guides us; our God, our higher power, where we go for direction and strength.  Let it soar within you. 

Let it rise!

~ Peace

The Burtle 

$50 Tip

I don’t do handouts. I don’t want your money. I don’t want charity. I’m going to damn well do this by myself (or so I say!).

I also don’t give money away. There was a time in my past when I used to work a homeless ministry late on Thursday nights throughout high school and part of college. My uncle and I would go to downtown Atlanta (pre Olympics 'white-washing' of the city) handing out sandwiches and one night I literally left without the sweatpants that I was wearing over the top of my shorts.  True story.  Dude didn’t have no pants!  What was I gonna do?!

My heart’s been hardened though. I typically don’t want anything from you because then I might have to give back.

I’m not saying that I don’t owe people money. That’s something I’m working hard on right now. During 2020 I racked up an Alps sized mountain of medical bills and other expenses due to bad decisions and bad health.  It’s a mountain that I will climb slowly.  Recently I’ve had a few people that I’ve had to say I’m sorry to for this; because I am.  It’s a shame and guilt that I have carried.  And presently I’m trying to take action on all that.

But even this old hardass sometimes looks at a total stranger and just says “Okay. What can I do?”

A young woman with a dog was standing outside of Quiktrip (Quiktrip is a gas station around here).  I knew something was up because she started to speak and couldn’t get the words out.  Of course I thought she was faking it at first.  Then she started crying.  She said timidly through her tears, “can you help me?”

I don’t know if her story is legitimate or not.  I don’t care.  In my life I have pledged to do the next right thing.  In every situation.  As best I can.

So the girl looks at me, as I’m trying to pet her dog.  She says “I just need $42 to keep my family safe.”  Fuck.  I’m unemployed for the second time in Charlotte but I can’t just stand there and do nothing.  Take a breath… I always keep $100 in my wallet. Two $50 bills if possible.  It’s my emergency money. I took out a $50 bill and handed it to the girl saying - 

“I hope you’re telling me the truth; use it wisely.

God bless you.”

It’s just fucking money.  It really doesn’t matter.  If I truly believe in the savior who came down, the God who guides me and in a life lived in rigorous honesty, openness and willingness, I can’t get wrapped up in the money.  There’s so much more out there.  She said she had two small kids and her husband and her were both out of work.  Regardless of her motives, that was the next right thing for me.  Of course I second-guessed.  I don’t know her.  But fuck, what if it was for real and I just passed her by?

‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

~ Matthew 25:40

Thursday I’m going for the ‘third times a charm’ here job-wise.  Charlotte has not been an easy transition.  My best friend and his wife, two of the dearest people in the world to me have been very patient (I’m crashing at their home).  I came up here on a whim and I have fallen on my face twice.  Life sometimes just sucks.  Hard things happen.  And as I creep up on two years of this new life, I realize that it’s better even when it sucks.  Because at least I’m dealing.  I’m hurting.  But I’m not helpless.  And sometimes I have to ask for help.  Just like the girl above.

Over the next couple of days I plan on sitting down and examining what exactly was going on that brought me up here.  It’s part of figuring out and not making the same mistakes again.  And I also get to pray.  Pray for today, pray for those around me, and pray for His will over mine.

As I sat down a moment ago I thought about that young lady and said a prayer.  I hope that she can find her peace.

For all of you out there, say a prayer.  For those suffering*.  For those close to you.  For me - hell, I need it.  For those you struggle with - I think we’re supposed to love our enemies as well…  Just pray.  I don’t care who or what you believe.  But reach out and reach up.

Maybe somebody will put just enough money in your hand, or take care of something for you at some point that will bless you.  Or, maybe you’ll see that it’s Okay.  It’s okay right here, right now.

~ Peace

The Burtle 

* 'for those suffering in and out of the rooms'