cour·age

noun

1. the ability to do something that frightens one.

"he called on all his courage to face the ordeal"

2. strength in the face of pain or grief.

"he fought his illness with great courage"


The cliff stood right in front of me.  The drop would be deadly.  I've been here before.  There's nothing that rivals the terror of total hopelessness, total despair.  I stood there once before and shrugged it off.  Stood there again and actually stepped...  But that time I was given the chance to undo some of the hurts that bound my spirit.  This time I didn't even approach.  Instead I called out...

"Help!!!! I need Help!!!"

Recently I had to stop and to recognize the world around me was crashing.  That all I had kept in place for so long was falling down around me.  And as much as I felt I was in a good place, I had to take a step back and realize that I needed help.  


So here I am.

I am not a coward.  I do have moments that I run.  I have had those my entire life.  But then there are the times I turn and fight.  Not fighting my wife, my kids, the corporate monster that I work for, but fighting the demons that have haunted parts of my soul since a child.  Quite honestly, fighting the hopelessness that used to overwhelm most every day.  And in those times of standing, fighting, I've learned and grown the most as a child, and a man.

I am SCARED!! 

I am quite petrified at times right now by the unknown.  But I do realize that I can let it make me freeze, stop and become mired in my own muck, or I can face the unknown with the realization that it doesn't control me.  Take charge of me.  Let myself be vulnerable to the ones I want to open up to, and shield myself from the pain that comes from those who want to cause it.

I have made serious mistakes that need to be reckoned with.  But I have also decided to reach out and to find HELP!  I am still deeply entrenched in the battle.  But I have decided to not turn tail and run, but to Fight.  Fight for the life I want.  Fight for the hope of a future with my wife. A new direction for the family I have, the ones I love so much.  Fight for the path my heart, mind and spirit will take.

But to do this takes courage beyond just the words.  September 1st I knew things were different.  That instead of living in a state of delusional euphoria, that I would face my recent decisions and move forward.

I am unwilling to run.  

I am unwilling to let my decisions go unanswered.

I am unwilling to live the life I was living.

I am unwilling to just say goodbye to my heart without a fight.

Fight with love, with actions, with deeds, with words that have a foundation in the deeper truth of my being.

I am.

I am Here.

I am beaten down, medicated, analyzied and still fully devoted to reclaiming the world, the life I want.  

Hopefully with her.  Hopefully with some semblance of a promise we made each other years ago.

Hopefully.

But I have to stand.  To keep moving on regardless.

I may not be the most courageous, but I'm learning that the best way is through an honest vulnerability that may open up eyes and hearts to my true self.

So as I'm spending the next couple of weeks on medical leave, I know it's for me to find some time to reflect, to gain perspective.  To write out my heart and the answers that I need to give. Maybe even add some questions that I need to find the answers to as well.

Courage.

It's in my heart.