Paint Blue the Air (Writing it out)

Cower in the corner

The night still full of horrors of 

What did I do wrong?

Don't understand, this is what I would become

A man plagued with uncertainty

Unleashed demons, that I didn't breed

From someone else's demented soul

Now I get the gift of never being whole

Child of 5, 6 and 7

Knew much more of hell than any real heaven

Though no one else knew anything happened

"Remember, this is our secret"

Just a 'normal' boys world

At least it's all I knew, how could I ever tell?

Tainted right from the beginning

Though for a long time I forgot remembering

Cause it just didn't seem everything was right

I was growing, learning, figuring wrong from right

So instead of words, I found the silence

In keeping secrets, built my own solace

In places no one could touch, deep inside my mind

Where no man, no one would ever find

But my lust, my young hungerings 

Played out into dressing on top of teenage dreams

The young man who went to church

Was possessed of feelings that would make many burn

And that's the way I learned survival

Bare essentials to protect and hide from

The good, the bad, the holy and hell

You'd never know how much I felt I'd failed

Miserable, but inside there's something

I found that no scar could ever keep me

From looking at the skies above

Thought of heaven, rock-n-roll and love

This kid dared to dream beyond this planet

And the shadows that I wouldn't dare let

Keep me from something more

(Though most days it was just waking, getting out the door)

Then fear came back.

Right in front of me.  He stood. Like an attack.

And to him, it was like nothing had happened,

Hell, I'd never ratted him out, kept his 'secret'

Maybe twenty years might heal some wounds

But that day, it was all back, too, too soon.

I didn't flinch, instead I kept my composure

And in that greeting, no one noticed

The little explosions going off inside my head

Slowly crippling my emotions, wished I was dead

The place I kept those secrets 

was the only retreat I could find quickly

And I went there, hoping to never come out

And for a few years, I even thought I'd found

New life, new passions, revival

But it's never gone.  There's always a little pain.

Once you face it, with faith that you can stand

Those tears still flow, some days hard as rain

Shudder like thunder, find lightning in your veins

But the storms pass...

And life flows again.

I don't know where he is, nor do I really care

There was a time I wanted nothing more, than to make the world aware

But even though I hate him, as the child who didn't have a choice

I no longer want to destroy him, but I'd like him to hear this voice...

"I am no better or worse than you.  I am just as broken.

I just wish you knew all the years you've taken, stolen.

I'll answer for my sins one day soon.

You will too."

When I cower in that corner, when night hits hard and I fail.

I still may cry, retreat inside, sometimes weep and wail.

But I have the right to get up. Leave that 'me' behind.

Find peace in better moments, know I'm not losing my mind.

Sunrise comes, even though there was a day I didn't care...

I don't chose the clouds to break, vanquish night or paint blue the air.

I just find those simple moments to laugh (yes) and breathe.

The past is what it is, the days ahead are up to me.

6/7/17 

clc