Coward

1. a person who lacks the courage to do or endure dangerous or unpleasant things.

Maybe I am a coward.  I've been told quite clearly that I was one today.  And maybe that's the truth.  I will not deny that I ran.  That when things got beyond anything that I could reasonably endure that I shut down, that I turned off inside any reason, any sense, any judgement.

So here I begin.

Upon the hard events that happened in Washington this past July, I left.  I stepped outside my marriage.  I felt like it was all over.  Divorce was the only thing that I had on my mind.  I will tell the specifics, as I can best unravel them to the people that matter most, Jenelle, my family, my closest friends.  But below I need to say some other things as well.

Jenelle is a good woman.  We've had our differences, our fights, our major disagreements, but she is a good woman.  She willingly took on the mantle of "stepmom", and not the evil kind, she tried to establish a relationship with my kids from the onset, and opened up her home and heart to them.  She was the first to push at the kids coming to live here when their mom died.  I was still trying to figure out the bigger picture of having us all together, yet she immediately opened up.  We struggled together, but who wouldn't with all that transpired.  I don't wish the situation on anyone.

I did my best to find the balance with everyone, but it was difficult with a newborn, two teenagers new to Atlanta, a young marriage and two cats.  I was overwhelmed.  But we pushed and we tried.  Continuing to figure out this new life.

Jenelle has been through a lot of tragedy in her life.  She lost her love to a long battle with PTSDs.  Widowed early and always wanting a family, I know how strong she is.  She has weathered storms that many wouldn't ever have made it through.  And when we met I knew that there was something about her that I fell hard for.  That I loved.  

I have had my struggles with life as well.  And though I've gone about it many different ways, I have tried my best to move through the times of adversity.  And me being here, breathing is a huge statement.  I have a lot of scars in that area, but I also have some great victories of heart and spirit.

So recently I couldn't find the way to get back to the heart.  Jenelle and I both had a lot to figure out.  And we went through some pretty hard moments. But even when we were at our worst, she tried.

I did too, but it just wasn't the same.

I know there are things that she and I need to discuss, in detail, but I want to do this openly right now.  I want to apologize for the things that I have done in our relationship that have openly, or covertly hurt and tread upon her.  Our finances, the selling of a house with memories, the loss of Radar (cat), the inability to have the needed conversations about renovations, the loss of trust with taking on that project, the rift that was built as we tried to guide the kids through a new life here in Atlanta, the loss of "us", the checking account, and more, including the acts of the last several months.

I ran inward.  So if I'm a coward, let's start there.  I have always run there.  From the struggles early on, to my first thoughts on talking about them - only to realize that most would rather just sweep things under the rug and not deal with issues of childhood abuse, to the times when I just felt like the world was caving and the only safe haven was inside.  That's always been my refuge.  One I'm leaning on a little today, though I'm sitting here in front of this screen to try and NOT go to far inside, to NOT disappear completely.  

When I was 6 or 7, I ran.

When I was 15, I ran.

When I was 29, I ran.

When I was 34, I ran.  And then I fell.  

Then there were others who I met who also went far inside themselves to escape.  To hide.  To not get swallowed up.

And the little boy actually found some solace in being surrounded by a bunch of guys who also had their demons, their pasts.  For the first time in my entire life, I felt like I wasn't the fucking oddity.  The sideshow act that just wasn't funny.

But all of this is just my past. I don't want to digress too much.  I have ran from my beginnings, and I have run now.  Only I stopped.  About a month ago I realized that the place I wanted to be was right behind me, but I was too stupid, scared, pigheaded, lost to open up and see it as it could be.  And in true Chad, since 2006/2011 (backstory needed to understand those dates), I stopped and instead of running, started to stand.

To better get to the root of things I have asked her to go to counseling with me.  To see if there is anything there to share, to continue, to salvage.  But for me I'm taking the journey back inside my head and heart.  Counseling with a new counselor that I seem to trust a little already.  Journaling and talking with those who I trust and need to open up to.  And MOST IMPORTANTLY not hide myself inside myself.

What I have always wanted in my life was the normal.  But what I realize now is that there is NO NORMAL.  We all have our stories, our chapters.   From the time I was a young kid I wanted a family.  But who in their fucking right mind would want to be with someone so gross and ugly inside?  That was my perception.  And I either did it badly or I really tried, but still the relationships failed.  The opening up was always hard, if not impossible.  And in one instance, the opening up caused serious repercussions throughout the entire household.

All that brings me back to Jenelle.  I am not putting her up on a pedestal.  Just acknowledging the thing that I've always known.  That she is the first person that I've truly, deeply loved.  Loved deep enough to let her inside the maze of my insides.  She caught my attention and held it, even though it would be months before I even really had a serious conversation with her. But even then, I see that the conversations that I've had with her in recent weeks are deeper.  That I want her to know me, and I think she has an image of me, though right now it may be horrific, but to really invest and know the whole me.

So as I am trying to find my heart.  The words.  The truth.  I want her to try and know that maybe I'm a coward at times, but I'm also a real person.  With some serious warts, and some special parts as well.

There will be more to say.  But for now it's just this.

Let me show...