Crimson C

Maybe I should take my chest and emblazon it with my own version of a scarlet A?  

a Crimson C. 

I know that the actions I've taken seem just as devastating.  Just as damning to one in particular.  To her.  Longing for a settling of the original storms that came into our lives, I found no peace, no rest,  but instead decided to forge the deepest tsunami I could call upon.  I OWN my symbol of shame and hurt, in her eyes.  But I know there is still something there.  Some part that might have been strong enough to resist the waters, the winds, the pain.... just a little.

And for me, it makes all the hurts I've felt over the past seem slightly less the priority, not unimportant, but we'll get there...  and as I wake, I wonder is it too early to cry? Is it too early to let those emotions flow? I should be there, but I'm not. I should be there, "A" on my chest or not.

I've been a little lost...

Lost on an island of misfit toys?  Caught on some deserted island with a friend named "Wilson"?

No.  Just lost.

And then I wasn't.  I was sitting in the midst of the mess that I helped create.  Not making any excuses, but starting to look beyond the fog and see some of the things that being lost helped me lose.

And now I have to regroup. Find what matters most and do everything in my power to show "me", show my real heart and hopefully, maybe find some true peace... even in the midst of the storm.

I've made some poor decisions. Actions I don't condone. I've blatantly said things that when I hear them seem so 'not me'.  But I also know that I was trying to find a place where the walls weren't crumbling, our relationship not so torn, and everything less a tumultuous hurricane.

Not the Florida one, but this is an emotional tidal wave that stirs the waters well beyond my own heart, my own spirit.  If you think you know me, then realize that I am FLAWED, broken and torn apart.  I have found myself looking at myself and seeing the best parts, but also seeing the parts that are in need of mending.  And I have looked into her eyes and tried to say "I'm sorry. I want this.  I will be here."

I've been reading a lot, looking for things that help explain the crazy way I've been.  And above all of these things,  watching scenes from the movie "Fireproof" has been one of the most poignant and eye-opening of all of them (need to go back and rewatch it).  It's a faith-based movie about a couple way beyond help.  Filled with anger and hurts, this couple are so far apart from finding any answers, until the husband is encouraged to take 1 Corinthians 13 to heart for 40 days (blatant biblical reference there folks).

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails."
          1 Corinthians 13:4-8

So lost, so out of control, I just don't know what the answers were, but I know the feelings in the following scene.  The first one, where he just expresses everything he hates, loathes, wants to be gone.  I was there.  I've seen, felt, breathed those moments.  But that's not the man I am or want to be.

FIREPROOF - SCENES

I am writing this, first as a letter to my wife, someone who I think deserves these answers. But I'm also writing it as a cry from a man who has spent the better part of the last week or so sobbing mercilessly in front of the mirror - trying to understand himself, and how the spirit of hope and love can be so far misplaced.

I'm sorry.  I was hurting.  I think you were hurting too.  Doesn't ever excuse things. Forgive me and know my heart.



9/8-9/17
clc