the process

One side may think that they have won. That they have finally recovered their lost grandchild from the evil of the big city. The other side may feel defeated and betrayed by the loss. I stand in the middle, but this time not worried what either side thinks. I’m doing the right thing. While I can’t understand his lack of motivation, lack of any desire to move forward, I can’t let him stagnate and stay complacent. At the same time, maybe it is the best place for him to go. Instead of being swallowed up by the big city, at least he will be in a familiar atmosphere and have the time to figure out what it is he wants to do.

I hope he will find his footing. Find a passion in something that burns deep and allows him to move forward and be successful. But it’s his turn to figure that out. Stubborn and hardheaded, probably has a lot of me in him, and his mother. It is his turn.

I won’t be too far away. But I am going to give him this chance. Maybe not everyone will understand, but did everyone understand when I wanted to leave so desperately as soon as I turned 18? What about understanding how have I decided to fight for my marriage, and to continue to try to look out after all three of my kids?  I have one who I desperately want to have find her path, just like my son. Let her find a place she fits in, and find where she will be successful. Then there is the little one… such a fun, intelligent bundle of joy.  I’m not gonna be away from him. I’ve already made that mistake before. So there’s going to be a lot of changes coming very soon. Today only marks one. And it is bittersweet. But I also know that it is necessary for everyone to start to find their own way. I’m not abandoning my son. But I’m allowing him to make some decisions, just like I’m having to make decisions on my own.

If you look at my left arm, there is an arrow pointing north. Wonder where that will take me? I have a pretty good clue.

So we all grow, we all change. We all have obstacles and challenges ahead of us, and if we don’t face them, they clog the machine and interrupt the process.