Three Men

There’s a man who I know that left a comfortable life, put a plan in place, and set forth in a new direction for his life. He was an adult, with a Family, a good job, good pay who wasn’t satisfied. He left to go do some good. To follow a calling.

There was another man who was so full of life and a rascal at times, he but he understood me and I’ve always wanted to be more like him.  He had a wild streak too, and was passionate. But he was also much more thoughtful than I am at times. Smart as a whip and able to be real about situations. I’ve heard stories of him racing through the streets of Mableton Georgia as a teenager. I didn’t know that side,  but I knew that he was one who loved me.  He has a son who’s a lot like him. Someone who aggravates and I admire at the same time. When I think of the last name Martin, I think of those two men. Slightly wild, passionate and willing to take a risk.

These were the three most influential men in my life. I’ve got some Martin in me. I’ve got way too much Chatham at times. I’m scared, scarred, at times reckless, but also thoughtful. I’ve Got to take a leap of faith. I’ve Got to find something that makes me me. I’m finally starting to put some of the hurts from the past behind me. I’m no longer willing to be bound by them.

So with tearful eyes I’m going to get my son. He has good men to look up to as well. I just want to be one of them.

3/24/18

clc

Two men...

a sad ending...

Two men sit in a corner bar, 

one alive and breathing, the other gone before

One man sips his beer and stays, 

as the other, the ghost, takes her hand and they walk away...

3/23/18

clc 

Beautiful Trauma

What an unbelievable feeling.  The thought of all the hurts vanishing and there being quiet.  A silence that leads to solace.  A peace that is incomprehensible.  So far removed from the world inside my head.

But I am here.  Still amidst my Self.  In my own Beautiful Trauma.

It will be part of me forever, but instead of being what pushes me and tears me apart from any healthy relationship, family, work, passion, home, it will be a part that helps me see clearer into my next steps.

I've unraveled much of my past.  Had to reach down and go moment by moment through the dark moments of initial seduction.  Then through the lineage that those early endeavors at the hands of my tormentor/friend laid in front of me.  No hope then of finding any solace.  Peace.  Rest.

Now I'm at a much different place.  There are some major battles that are about to be fought, but the most recent steps - unlocking the Story of Me and separating it from the ghost that haunted my last relationship are showing some light at the end of this battle with a fear born long ago.

So I am here.  

I will be free.  

I will NOT be silent. 

I will not go quietly.  

My story will be told - AND SOON!  

Heard by many, some will react with understanding, 

others may cringe and react with their own fear.

I Am Here - Pink

I open up my heart

You can love me or not

There's no such thing as sin

Let it all come right in

I wanna make some mistakes, I wanna sleep in the mud

I wanna swim in the flood, I wanna f*C# 'till I'm done

I like whiskey on ice, I like sun in my eyes

I wanna burn it all down, so let's start a fire

I wanna be lost, so lost that I'm found

Naked and laughing with my blood on the ground

I am here, I am here

I've already seen the bottom, so there's nothing to fear

I know that I'll be ready when the devil is near

I am here, I am here

All of this wrong, but I'm still right here

I don't have the answers, but the question is clear

Let me ask you

Where does everybody go when they go?

Where does everybody go when they go?

Where does everybody go when they go?

Let me ask you

Where does everybody go when they go?

Where does everybody go when they go?

Where does everybody go when they go?

Let me ask you

May the light be upon me

May I feel in my bones that I am enough

I can make anywhere home

My fingers are clenched, my stomach's in knots

My heart it is racing, but afraid I am not

Afraid I am not

I am here, I am here

I've already seen the bottom, so there's nothing to fear

I know that I'll be ready when the devil is near

Cause I am here, I am here

All of this wrong, but I'm still right here

I don't have the answers, but the question is clear