Some declare your majesty
Others say you’re the king of kings
I know so many who rejoice
But all I ask is for your still small voice
To whisper softly in my ear
All I want to hear
Is that you believe
Just a little in me
Cause I don’t always in myself
I wrestle with where I’m at
So please give me a little of your peace
I know that’s what I need.
Oh, dear lord, help me to believe.
12/17/20
clc
from November 19, 2020
I’m the calmest I’ve been in the last week. Actually, since I was in the hospital. I’m scared. Very scared. My entire life has been shrouded by this.
I drink too much. I’m impetuous. I struggle with relationships. And yes, even with my relationship with God.
I’m taking the meds, but I don’t think they work well enough, and mixing them with alcohol definitely doesn’t help. I think I want to change that. Everything is so goddamn hard right now. But this isn’t a bitter letter.
I met the greatest love of my life during one of the hardest times of my life. I broke her heart. She hurt me too. She doesn’t know that.
I love my kids dearly, but I’m not a good dad. And I’m not beating myself up. I’m just saying I don’t feel like I’m a good dad. I just do what I can.
I would move heaven and earth for Annie, Cambrey, Cade, Topher, Alex. Yet, I can barely get out of bed in the morning. Can barely move. I’m paralyzed. It’s something I haven’t experienced in a long time. But it’s been there a lot this year.
I’m praying a lot. This calm scares me. But I promised I would make it to the next moment. And that’s tomorrow morning. I need to sleep. I haven’t for the last three nights.
I want to rest. I want to be held. I wanna make love deeply to my love and wake to breakfast with everyone around the table. But what I am going to do is wake. I’m trying to face tomorrow. I have a little peace with that.
OK God. I’m yours.
~ Peace
Chad
11/19/20
A humble prayer
Content within my misery,
my heart is broken yet I still believe
I don’t feel joy, there still is pain,
but I embrace it and begin again
To pray, to scream, to groan, to cry,
Look up to heaven, and ask “why, oh why?”
Realize I may not understand his plan,
but I relent, place it in his hands
I know my wants,
I know my desires,
all I can do is pray, to a faith that is higher
And sit and wait, and hopefully see
All that he’ll open up,
one day, for me.
I believe.
12/9/20
clc
Zadkiel
