He Wept

God cried.  Incarnate.  In the flesh, he looked into the eyes of the two beloved sisters and he wept.  Over his friend, a man just like me.  He looked and he felt compassion, love for those he had grown so close to.

And he cried for me.

I can’t believe in an All-powerful God without believing in his love that surrounds and embraces me.  Otherwise what is this all for?  I can’t see God without seeing his love.  The whole book (the B.I.B.L.E.) to me has one message.  Love.  Love God.  Love others.  Love.

And he cared enough to share himself with a band of misfits who really remind me of the rooms that I’m now such a part of.  

But this man, this ‘king’ has always flummoxed me.  I mean I grew up with the back-wall picture of a longhaired white dude with blue eyes and near-perfect complexion.  Really?  It sure didn’t help my image. In fact, for a quite imperfect teen in the 80’s it was a slap in my face.  “Made in his image”?  Hell, no!  And that fed my reluctance to embrace that this God, this man could truly love me regardless of how many times we sang the song.

So God, learning to love you has always had a duality to me.  I love you, but I can’t see how you could pour your love down on me.  I mean why?  And the cycle of self-hate, beating myself up, loving but hating my father in heaven was born.  And I went toe to toe with him for so many rounds (think Rocky Balboa in each and every installment of that saga).  I have fought to hate you and fought to love you.  I’ve given myself and taken myself away from you so many times.  

But here’s the truth.  You always show up.  You’re always there.  Always just sitting there at the well (Samaritan woman), resting in the front of the boat or shedding a holy tear at your dear friends passing.  I may not want you there or even see you – blind in my own shame, guilt, ego.  Yet, you remain.  Every.  Single.  Day.

And yes, you care enough to shed a tear.  You even went to the garden, just before your death and poured out your heart to your own father.  For me.

Jesus.

Sometimes I hear your voice in a gentle whisper, other times in the pouring rain

~ Peace

Chad

God’s Rain

Won’t you let my spirit go

The rain comes down and I’m exposed

But you have never ran from me

Even when I’ve picked up my heart to leave

I don’t dare to understand

How the rain washes over all I am, (this man)

I’ve struggled to find my voice

Like I haven’t had any choice

Silent, no, that’s not me

I’m loud, I’m boisterous, for all to see

But in my heart there’s a little child

Who runs and hides from the whole world

But you don’t let me get too far away

You’ve always been there, every single day.

Even amidst the rain.

01/27/21
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60 days grace......

Two months ago my life changed.  From a lifetime of wanting to be absent came a choice to be here.  Sober and actively working on myself, I'm seeing the damage I caused, but also the peace I have with where I'm at.  It's not where I thought I would see myself at 48, but it's a path I'm on for the duration.  Peace - what a strange word, and an even stranger feeling to start to process.  There is a life with peace.  Serenity comes from accepting where I'm at and prayerfully asking for "His will, not mine".

Below is a  collection of writings from two months of living this life differently. Safe, sane(-ish) and sober.

~ from the previous blog “By Faith (a moment of calm)”

"I’m praying a lot.  This calm scares me. But I promised I would make it to the next moment. And that’s tomorrow morning. I need to sleep. I haven’t for the last three nights.

I want to rest. I want to be held. I wanna make love deeply to my love and wake to breakfast with everyone around the table.  But what I am going to do is wake. I’m trying to face tomorrow. I have a little peace with that.

OK God. I’m yours."

11/19/20


Surrender…

“Who is with me?
The birds and the bees.
The flowers and the trees…
My God above whom I dearly love.”


11/21/20
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I haven’t forgotten you.  How could I?
I still…  AW


11/25/20
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Be Courageous.

Be Open.

Be Willing.

Be BOLD.


12/9/20
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Keep a Candle Burning

Keep a candle burning
Under the pale moonlight
Do not be discouraged
It’s time to let go of this fight

Turn your eyes toward heaven
I wish I may, I wish I might
Have a little hope before me
See it right before my eyes

The struggle has taken captive
So many years I can’t recall
All the battles lost to fighting
With you, my precious lord

So, now I’m here in your presence
Open heart and open mind
To what you place before me
Give me your peace and let me fly

Say a prayer to heaven
It’s not the words, it’s what’s inside
And I know you’re up there listening
I don’t ever want to hide

Again from your salvation
Take my wounds and set me free
To live each day beside you
With each precious breath I breathe

So I’ll keep that candle burning
On into the night
Knowing I’m never far from your presence
Lord, you’re right here by my side

You’re right here by my side.


12/10/20
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Through the Trees

How do I take this feeling
How do I take these dreams
Every moment beckons
Me to continue to be
Here – ever hopeful
Present – with where I am
Pray for the future
Give it to God – and take my stand
Never letting go of what he’s promised –
Believe.
Let her know – through the winter wind
That blows
Through the trees…

Through the trees.


12/18/20
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Potter’s Clay

Mold me and make me
crush my will and renew
Give me hope that is born
From my dependence on you

Take all of these trials,
let them be known
As where I wasn’t willing
to make your will my own

I know you are the potter,
and I just the clay
Take the heart of this man,
and mold me, I pray

Mold me, I pray


12/31/20
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Fabric of the Path

We are all woven
from the fabric of the path
we travel on,
together – we surpass
what we could not do alone
we, not I –
with all our might –
carry on


01/01/21
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Hold On

Hold on
Never listen
To the voices in your head
The ones who say you’re not enough
Reach deeper

To the place where
You see all the beauty
All the treasure you hold inside
That place where you run
When you want to fall and cry

Don’t forget
That you are here,
Part of a bigger plan
And you, you matter
Try and understand
No man, no child, no woman
Can make you less than all you are
All that peace you’re missing
Is right there, inside your heart.


01/04/21
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A Prayer

God I still want all the things you promised me.
I want to hold her late at night, to feel fresh air and breathe
I don’t know what to do with all I’ve lost, because of me
I never know what to do, so I’ll go to bed and sleep
Living in your promises, though they come in your own time
I hope that you will not forget, this man, and say “You’re mine”


01/06/21
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Topiary

Lord, 
Grow me like the vine
Twisting and curving toward the sky
Let me bend as you awake
My spirit, and give me breath each day
As I meander, stop and prune
All that is dying - my will not yours
And as day turns into night
Write your promises on the sky
So as I lay down to sleep
I draw comfort from knowing that you will keep
Me safe til’ morning light
As you grow me like the vine.

01/10/21
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Prayer for Annie

Dear Lord,
Wrap your arms around her tender, broken heart
Mend each fractured vessel
And show her continually all you are

And let her dwell each morning
Like the dew paints the waking earth
More and more in you
Let her find how much she’s worth

Whisper your sweet promise
In her ear and let her know
All that you have planned for her
As she travels down this road


01/10/21
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A New Creation

Leonardo, what about her smile?
Is she wistful & waiting, or hesitant & mild
Oh, how you touched us - gave us more than ‘her’
Your musings & writings, show us designs we weren’t aware

See David, chiseled out of stone
Michelangelo, you’ve become so well known
Your artistry still shines today
Inspiring us to things both bold and great

And as I ponder where I am tonight
Painting on a canvas, or chapel walls up high
I am being made into something new
A piece of art - God’s creation renewed.


01/10/21
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This I Pray

Lord,
I ask you to bring me some relief
I’m stuck again in my emotions
Dealing with so much grief

I’ve always hidden from the pain
Masked it with gin and beer
With sex and with just losing myself
In anyone who would hear

I’m now without those places
I used to run and hide
So, I ask you, please dear savior
Please take by your side

And let me know the peace
That only comes from you
I’m here Lord, and I’m willing
Just show me what to do.

Lord, I give myself to you.


01/11/21
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Raindrops

Raindrops,
tear drops
both falling to the earth
How my soul is restless,
trying to find my worth

Dreams of fame and glory,
or just a home sitting by a fire
All have been extinguished,
by my past and false desires

Lost among the echoes,
of a thousand days, I wait
Patiently, but unsettled,
trying to find my fate

I know those around me,
see the cresting sun
Many days I still see the fog,
eyes clouded, feeling I’m done

I do not speak lightly,
AND I am not done yet,
But lost among this journey,
sometimes I still regret

All I spoke of highly,
all I wanted, all I’ve known
Has been replaced with just a desire,
to define myself,
to be my own.


01/12/21
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The Prodigal

The tale of the prodigal son is not about me returning to my father. Head bowed in submission to the rules and legalism that was so engrained into my upbringing.  

The tale of the prodigal is all about returning to God. To a father who I’ve never understood or truly known until now, though I’ve always had glimpses of his glory and his might, but I never really wanted to get his love.

Walking back down the road, humbly asking him to do what he’s done all along - love and accept me, a broken and bruised child who just wants to come home.

prod·i·gal
/ˈprädəɡəl/

adjective
adjective: prodigal
1. spending money or resources freely and recklessly; wastefully extravagant. “prodigal habits die hard"


Through My Window

Feel the fresh air, through my window, 
open up my heart to all I don’t know
Take each day as it comes to me
I fill my lungs, (like) I’m learning to breathe
For the first time, and I know it’s a bigger life
Before me, and I have the choice inside
Cold January, here in the Deep South
My days have meaning, and I see how
I wasted so much time, but how could I know
That there was life, if I could just let go

And I have.
Not my will, but yours
Listen as I sit still, to your voice
Through my window.


01/12/21
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“Just because there’s lines 
doesn’t mean I color in them”
~ Tsao Chad


01/13/21
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Morning Prayer

Give me the peace
That passes all understanding
Give me joy
Beyond all I have known
Give me strength
To stand when I am fallen
Give me Your love
To weather any storm


01/16/21
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Follow You

Follow you &

Let me breathe

The cool, cool Morning wind

As I believe

More and more in you

Let me bring

Myself to your heart

And let me see

The mountain top 

But more the path

You have me on

And let me ask

Only for this day

To find your will

Inhale deeply

And get my fill 

Of you.

01/18/21

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~ Peace

Chad

 

Hold On

I am a huge Hootie & the Blowfish fangirl.  And today as I listened to their music, a song played that touched me and brought me to write this blog.

Hold On…

"We gotta hold on, we gotta hold on

There ain't nothing that a little love can't get us through

We gotta hold on, when it feels like hope is gone

There is a remedy for you and me

We gotta hold on to each other, yeah

Oh to each other now, now”

      ~ Hootie and the Blowfish

I’ve written a lot about my journey, but maybe never as tenderly and as raw as this.  I’m holding on.  Not to a person, not to the past, though a huge part of me wants to do that.  I’m holding on to the one thing that I know is true.  My faith in God. Something I still have problems understanding, but I trust.

For most of my life I’ve wanted to die.  To leave this place.  It was a deep undercurrent amidst my days and nights, sometimes quiet and sometimes roaring like an unseen tidal wave.  That changed in late November.  I have truly lost ALL of the things I thought I had to have to survive.  I was given a huge gift at the same time.  For the first time in my life I can openly say that I’m not plotting, planning or looking forward to my own demise.  It’s always been a part, and it will most likely rear its ugly head from time to time - my counselor has already warned me of this.  But even today, on a day that I really wanted to just lay there and wait for the end, he got me up.  Through you, through my sponsor, my mentor, others in my group.  Through my daughter (who for the first time recently said she was proud of me), through friends and even through the love that I can’t talk or reach out to.

I’m walking one step at a time, one brief moment at a time.  I’m breathing.  I’m broke and probably more at peace than when I had money, a house, ‘the life’.  I have extreme social anxiety; I struggle with major depression and I can barely function some days because of it.  I can play the part of ‘the actor’, trying to be the star, but in actuality I am more the man behind the mask that has finally fully shattered and exposed all that I really am.  And I am thankful to be me.  To be here, mired in my emotions, but seeing that there is more than the Lightning Sand and R.O.U.S.s (think Princess Bride).  I am here, and I believe there may be a purpose for me yet. 

For those of you who I’m sending this to directly, I ask something of you that I may not have done before.  I ask you to pray - to God, to your higher power, to Buddha, to wherever the hell you go to reach out.  Pray for me and where I’m at.  For my family, my kids, for Annie, and for others who struggle with, well, life.  You are important to where I am, to helping me get here.  Through tears, pain, sorrow, anger and heartache.  All part of the whole of one man’s life.

I’m holding on.  

~ Peace

Chad

Foolish Love

They may call it foolish love 
The way I feel
That I’ve never felt 
Before

And some may say 
I’m wasting time
But how else can I breathe
All I know is what’s inside

It’s something I’ve never 
Known,
A love so deep
All I want is the best for her
Even if it’s not me

I pray for her each
And every day
Some may call it silly,
But it doesn’t go away

This foolish love.

01/04/21
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Still.

I’m still here.

Still breathing after a year where I spent the better part trying to actively eliminate my breath.

I’m still working on me.  A new path after so much self-destructive behavior.  Still wanting to be here.  Something that I didn’t have before November 19th, 2020.

I’m still growing into what I believe God wants me to be.  A force for good?  A better man?  Or just a servant who is trying to listen and do that ‘next right thing’.

I need to learn how to be still.  To sit in the moment and to embrace the silence.  To quiet all the outer and inner voices in my head and to commune with the holy presence that I call God.

I still love her.

I still have hope there.  Though that’s not my focus.  I’ve had to let her be part of the outer fabric of my days.  Still present, but something I can’t hold onto.  Letting God take her and comfort and protect her.

I’m still human.  And last night I felt the desire to numb myself with a substance.  I didn’t, but I did make the call, send the text to keep myself from going back down the dark road alcohol had placed me on.  I’m still sober.

I still pray.  Actually more each day than I ever have.  But not just my typical selfish prayers.  I’m praying for others – seeking guidance and protection for those I care about and for this path.

Still hurting.  Mom, Annie, Topher, loss, circumstance.  They still sting.

Still, I meditate.  I become more and more aware that this IS the hero’s journey.  I am still aware of all that brought me here, and it keeps me grounded in the fight.  But it’s a fight that has no weapons.  No anger.  No bitter gall.  It is a fight to understand and to let go.

Still.

"Be Still and know that I am God..."
Psalm 46:10

~ Peace

Chad