49 trips around the Sun.

I didn’t think this is where I would be.  It’s a beautiful day in Atlanta; the weather is perfect, people are out everywhere.  I’m alone, but that’s okay.  It’s not where I want to be, but it’s where he’s placed me.

I’m starting over.  Yes, I still long for curly hair.  Yes, I miss my kids.  But more than anything I know that I’m here.  Starting the next part of my journey.

The roller coaster ride of the last couple of years is finally starting to settle into a rhythm.  It’s a new rhythm.  One I wish I could share with her.  But I need to stay on target here.  My focus is on me.  On learning more about where I’m at, and continuing to take every moment that I’m given and try to be the best I can.  Even when it means being the best Netflix Binger in the world :-)

I am toying with the opportunity, the possibility of moving into a different career (mindset).  Something that I think would use my hands and my knowledge and challenge me at the same time.  I want to build.  To build people up, to build projects, to restore old houses, to restore my life.  And I’m not doing it alone.  I wish I could name them, but there are so many people that have become part of this journey -many anonymous before the last 100 days.  Yes, it’s been 100 days (101 to be exact).  How in the hell did I make it this far?!  I just knew I would be dead at this point.  A year ago I was doing everything possible to win her back.  I was also doing everything possible to slowly kill me inside at the same time. 

I bottomed.  It had to happen.  There has to be a bottom.  Some people have soft bottoms I’ve heard; I didn’t have that luxury.  I bottomed hard.  After several trips to mental health hospitals to try to stabilize me, I finally made the decision to be here.

And now I’m looking one step ahead, and also thinking of what could be beyond the next rise, what’s off in the distance.  Not trying to focus on it too much, but seeing that there is a horizon.  And that I am heading towards it.

Here’s to more trips around the sun...

One right decision at a time.

~ Peace

Chad

... and you don’t just get over Annie Wilson.

Zadkiel 

90 in 90 - Mike Tyson Style!

I try every day. 

No, I don’t try.  I fight.  I don’t give up. 

Since November 19th, 2020 I made the decision to be here.  But I still have to fight. 

Fight the Voices that just don’t think I get it.  I am listening.  Intently.  You CAN have a spiritual awakening.  

Fight the Voices that keep saying ‘you’re not good enough or strong enough to do this’ (“I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and doggone it, people like me!” Stuart Smalley – Al Franken modeled his character Stuart after attending Al-Anon meetings)

Fight the Voices of the mental disease that still attacks my psyche, the way the alcohol and substances destroyed my body (and mind, actually) - Wow, what a combination there!

And today, on the precipice of 90 days - I’m still fighting.  And it doesn’t mean that there’s a ‘knock-down-slug-out’ going on every minute.  I’m not just throwing punches into thin air – playing a real-live version of Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!

I was given a different tactic.  A new option.  One I’m still learning to sit with.  To grow.  God gave me something that I don’t know if I’ve ever truly experienced before.  Not with any lasting measure. 

Peace.

And peace can be found even in the midst of the storm.  Think about the eye of a hurricane.  Think about the slight swell on the ocean before the maelstrom.  Peace, as when Jesus slept during the storm on the sea.

Knowing that he took (or actually I lost) everything so I could find myself, and Peace through him.  Some call this a ‘bottom’.  I choose to call it an Awakening.

“And the Peace of God with transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” 

Philippians 4:7 (you really should read the whole Chapter – it’s damn good stuff!)

I counted this morning, on day 89.  I’ve been to 191 meetings since getting clean and sober (and yes, it is both - but that’s for another time), more than a dozen (way more) counseling sessions, as many sponsor meetings.  Several doctor’s visits.  I’ve started the steps (third time through them – just in other programs).  I’m not bragging.  I didn’t have a choice.  At the beginning even my counselor doubted that I was serious about this.  That I really wanted to live.  And I do want to live.

So, here the work begins.  I don’t feel ‘arrived’ or having any special gift, other than life itself.  I’m one of the many who struggle with Alcohol.  I struggle with my mind.  I have an addictive personality that has been given a breather.  This is life on life’s terms.  I don’t HAVE everything I want, but I have what I need.  I have shelter, food, warmth (even though I sleep with the windows open - no matter how cold!), clothes, a bed.  Been given back the want and desire to use my hands to make this world a little better.  I don’t always know what he has planned.  I just go.

I’m still fighting some things.  Fighting the ideals and misconceptions of a lifetime of fear.  Fighting when I feel wronged, or even when I just feel the need to fight - knowing that I’m going to be taught a lesson for my stubbornness and brashness.  And I’ve found that instead of always only having the option of fighting or running away – into myself, I have this new, third option.  Peace.  Sitting with it even when I’m animated.  When I’m down.  When I am just completing the task in front of me.  Haven’t mastered it, but I know that it’s just a different feeling when things hit now – Let it Come, Let it Flow, Let it Go!

I still will fight.  And maybe I’m finally learning how to fight for life.  It’s a huge change when you’ve always secretly wanted to die.  (I wrote more about that in previous blogs.)  

I am here.  Ever thankful.

90 days.  

Every. Single. Day. 


~ Peace

Chad

* 90 in 90 references those new to recovery who are often tasked with doing 90 meetings in the first 90 days.  Some 'bookend' their days by doing a meeting every morning and every evening (180 meetings).  This practice helps set a positive routine for those struggling to regain footing in life without substances.

AW, I still love you.

Beauty in the Storm

Crash, oh lightning, 
sting, oh rain
Come and terrorize
unleash your pain
Feel the darkness
descend on earth
Til thunder rolls and 
lightning unfurls

Call forth your anguish, 
let God reign down
Upon this tapestry
a cacophonous sound

Pour out upon us
until the bitter end
Of your life cycle
because I know when
The calm befalls us
as the land will rend
Itself up meekly
our storm will end

And I stay praying 
amidst the whirl
This child of God
upon the earth
I’ll look up, 
let last raindrops fall
Upon my furrowed brow
know he had it all

Within his right hand.*

02/10/21
clc

*So do not fear, for I am with you; 
do not be dismayed, for I am your God. 
I will strengthen you and help you; 
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

Zadkiel

Where I'm At (75 and counting)

I’m tired.

Exhausted really.  But I wouldn’t change this ride for anything in the world, not even the hope of a curly-haired girl.  I am sore from working more physically than I have in years, while still getting my footing physically from the effects of 20 years of alcohol and then the absence of such a toxic life (and the effects on my body).  

I have found more of me, and more of God in each and every moment.  And instead of writing all these great things that I see and hope to accomplish (look back over some of my past blogs), I’m realizing that this is where I’m at.  Here.  Now.  Tomorrow, well that’s another day.  And I’ll tackle it when it’s time.

My anxiety can get wound up in an instant, and I’m still learning its ‘real’ triggers, only going into the grocery store twice since starting this journey – something about that place sets me off immediately.  I don’t know if it’s the prevalence of drink or the mass of humanity, but it’s safer to get the groceries delivered.  Same with most restaurants.  I rarely go to them.  Sunday I was in two and it was way too much.  Too much “Face Time” can be a trigger.  These are baby steps.  Being back in the ‘real’ world slowly with caution and consideration for where I’m at.

I didn’t start this journey with any thought other than I was completely lost.  I was mentally unbalanced, physically spent and ready to be done.

Today I’m so thankful that my head is clearer.  I don’t talk as much about my ‘headspace’.  It’s a crazy place (and yes, I can say that – I’ve been tested LOL).  I’m not dangerous, well, to anyone but myself if out of control.  I’m me.  I’m broken and seeing God slowly pick up the pieces and put the glue on, and put them where HE would have them, not where I would.  I get angry about this at times.  The last few days have held some contempt for being here, but in the end, I realize how much clearer everything is without the head full of voices.  

I’ve already lost people around me.  Both friends who have vanished and those in the program who have already “went back out” to a life that would only mean death for me.  I’m not being trite with these words.  With somber determination I know that drinking would set my mind back and then I’d be done.  And for the first time in my life I WANT TO LIVE!

I walked outside my apartment and found what seemed like a thousand Robin’s in the air (and their scat all over the place).  I found out that they migrate through this area every year at this time.  What a wonder!  God’s glory in His creation.  I know that he loves me.  I know that he’s placed the people around me that have been his voice at times.  Sometimes his voice is on the wind, through the trees.  This morning I heard him as I walked the neighborhood.  

I’m tired.  

I’m going to pull back a little more.  To center.  I promise I’m not avoiding people.  I’ve been told that the only way to not go back is to establish footing that can’t be easily toppled or shaken.  To get “Rooted” (I always want to start singing the Zac Brown song ‘Roots’).

I read the scriptures and the big book.  I love the voices from my morning meeting.  I have a calming voice in my sponsor that I desperately need.  He doesn’t realize how often he shows up and shows me God.  I have two other wonderful men who have stepped up beside me and helped carry the weight of the message with me.  They are as important in their own ways.  I have friends who have said – “I’m here”, “All ok?”, “I need more out of you.”, “what can I do for you?”.

I have three beautiful kids who I think really love me.  Each in their own distinct way.  I just got off the phone with my dad, who I’ve struggled to find ‘our relationship’ with and we both said “I love you” at the end of the conversation.  Such a change from myself a year ago.

I am here.

Every. Single. Day.

What more could a man ask for?  

Well, there are still things I pray for earnestly.  Those will remain with me for now.  Obviously, breath and his voice each day are on the list, but I have my desires as well.  I’ve shared those with that select few who know me deeply.  But my life doesn’t center around them.  I have things to do.  

This morning I found a piece of used pallet wood deserted alone on the sidewalk.  I immediately grabbed it.  It was me.  Left alone to be re-established as something more.  Maybe a ‘God Box’.  I’m so thankful for that use of my hands that I’ve recently found!

So there’s a quick, or long note about where I’m at.  

Love you all!

~ Peace

Chad

(one of my simple 'God Boxes' for my friend Pete)

Morning Prayer 

Lord,

Help me never to forget where I’ve been.  The depths of hurt I’ve felt, the sting of pain I’ve had to endure.  Not to beat myself up, or to dwell there for more than just a moment, but to so richly see the light you’ve continually shone down on me.  To never forget all that I had to endure to finally realize what you knew all along - that I was in your hands and you never left me through it all.  Through every trial and every storm you were there.  You always had your hand upon me, and you never let me go.

This is the life you’ve wanted for me.  Humble and craving more and more of you.  I ask you to never let me forget the power and intimate tenderness of your love.

Please keep guiding me through it all.

Your son,

Chad

02/02/21
clc