Empty Vessels

What if we started life as an empty vessel?  Everything we know being poured in, filling space and helping to shape and form us from the very beginning.  We grow, evolve, shrink, expand.  We change.  We are.

Then life cracks.  Instead of holding everything in the seams are pressed and all of our live is spilt out - on display for so many to see.  We find ourselves vulnerable, overwhelmed.  Angry at God, man, politicians, former bosses, our exes.

Retreat.  Fight.  Lash out.  Succumb.  There are so many possibilities.  So many ways we just try to survive.

What if instead we started over each day as that empty vessel.  Filling our days with all the good, all the bad.  All of life.  And instead of carrying so much weight into every day, we start fresh and anew with just what we need.  With space to grow, room to shed, sometimes filling to the rim, other times seemingly unchanged from dawn til dusk.

Tonight: I have to let go.  Not just of today’s fill, but of the last several weeks. 

Life.
Death.
Holidays.
A little boy.
Religion.
My two mini-adults.
Relationships.
Expectations.
A former employer.
Finances
Love.

Let it go (and not the damn song from “Frozen”).

And let God.

Tomorrow:  I am an empty vessel.  Waiting to be filled.

~ Peace

The Burtle

What we leave behind...

The phone call came at lunch yesterday. My dad very calmly said “Chad, I’ve got some bad news.”  My cousin had been in a motorcycle accident and was gone. I don’t know the details and I don’t need to.  He left behind three daughters, a son, a beautiful wife and a military record that I’m sure is exemplary; a legacy.  He will be missed.

< and I take a breath…>

I’ve spent six months working on a job that I have found so much enjoyment, peace, satisfaction, fulfillment, all the words and all the things…

All the feels.

In my life I can’t recall a position that I have been as consistent, as conscientious, learned as much, struggled at times and sincerely loved coming to work every single day. The good days and the bad days.

And that’s why I’m leaving.

Yes, I’m leaving.

I put in my notice on Monday.  Not because I’m stupid or I’m being foolish (I’ll save my foolishness for other arenas!), but because the opportunity arose to continue to work with someone I respect and trust.  A man who has a vision that I saw the day I met him.  To work beside a brother, a young man who I have continually learned from as we have taught each other and communicated in ways that grown men don’t always do. 

I’m thankful for the six months in a position that has allowed me to call myself a Carpenter.  A man who works with his hands and tries to do a damn good job every day - that there are things in life that are just worth breathing in and doing the best you can.  Now, what I am concerned with most is what I leave behind.

I’ve been bitter the last week.  Not like myself.  Angry over unmet promises in an employer and an establishment that doesn’t really think about the needs of the masses over the desires of the few.  And this is not a new struggle.  I am passionate about life.  When I see things that strike against my core, I bristle up and want to fight.  Yet, I haven’t fought outwardly.  The fight has been within myself.

When companies start to change and grow, or become weathered and start to fade or become less relevant, most have a legacy plan.  A plan of continuing forward with the work or closing the doors.  I’ve worked for many small companies that have gone different directions; some that have made a plan of continuing to work and succeeded in transitioning to new people at the helm.  I’ve seen others that have had to close their doors because they knew that it was the best thing.  To close up shop and realize it was good while it lasted.  What hurts the most are the ones that have no clue.  With no guidance, with no direction and there is no orderly direction.  And I try to live my life in good orderly direction (GOD), the best I can every day.

I’ve watched the company I work for struggle.  Not with finances, but with identity.  And while watching I’ve also had to think about myself; older, hopefully a little wiser.  What am I leaving behind from the last six months?  What am I leaving behind from so many years?  What do I want to my legacy to be?

Love.
Faith.
A sense of humor and a mockumentary of a life that I am so thankful for now more than ever.
My kids.

I am a carpenter.  And I follow a Carpenter.  I want to leave behind a ledger book of what I have done to live this life the best I can, and leave something behind, something that matters.  And I know that every time I look up and say ‘thank you', I’m thanking him for what he left behind.  Salvation, faith, hope.  One day at a time.

So, what is your legacy?    Life is short.  My cousin was in his mid 40s.  He left more than tears and bittersweet memories this Christmas.  He left a Legacy.  Life stops in an instant.  What message are you leaving behind?


~ Peace

The Burtle

for Justin, Jonathan and all the others that have blessed my life over the last six months/year.

ENOUGH

“You’re not good enough

You don’t deserve this

You don’t have what it takes

You aren’t worthy

You aren’t…”

I’m not.
I’m not good enough.  I don’t deserve anything.  Most days don’t have what it takes.  I’m not worthy.

But I am.
I am here.

There’s this whole big world out there that’s trying to sell us all something.  Make-up, Sports cars, Bit-coins, Anti-aging creams, Time.  Everyone has an agenda.  Something to buy, trade, convince that we desperately need what they’re hocking.

But what I am finding more and more is that there’s very little that I truly need.  Shelter, a bed, warm clothes when the temperature drops, food on the table, coffee (lot’s of coffee) and those who I chose to surround myself with (though many have been chosen for me - thank God for that).  I don’t want for much.  I don’t desperately need a new this or that.  Sure, I want things and I’ve had my own rabbit holes into retail therapy.

In my core there is finally a realization that those voices that I started this with - the not good enough, not strong enough - well they can jump off a F’ing cliff.  I’m tired of the voices that I’ve carried in my head directing my path.  Aren’t you?  The misguided sentiments, the false-truths, the LIES that we’ve been told or worse, we tell ourselves.  I won’t listen.  Not anymore.  

It took a lot of loss to finally claim life.  And my spiritual experience is something that I’ve often referenced in these meanderings (this blog).  I shared with someone just recently that I am not me without the hurts.  Yet, I am more than just the pain I’ve suffered, caused, witnessed, trespassed upon others.  I CLAIM LIFE.  Every Damn Day!  

You see in our core, in our inner-most being there is life.  There is more than what the world wants to sell us.  We see it in new babies being born or adopted.  We see it in hearts coming together to do this thing called life as husband and wife.  We find it not in the grocery store tabloids or on Social Media, but in breaths stolen at the break of day or lingering outside on a crisp December evening to watch the stars, sometimes with someone special.  Not in municipalities or religious trappings, but in the heart of regular citizens stopping at a car wreck to give first aid, to help preserve life - for just a little longer. 

<WE ARE ENOUGH>

We are here to exist, not to placate the obsessions of the nouveau-riche or the pompously bloated trillionaire.  But to build community and help others do life - better.  

We work and we play.  We live, and yes, we die.  We are.

So remember, on the worst days, when it all just SUCKS… that there is more.  In a smile shared.   A hug given.  A kind word.

That WE are enough.

~ Peace

The Burtle

Often Fight the Morning

Often fight the morning 
The shadows still fall
Around me as I’m sleeping
And I struggle to make sense of it all

Cool air of early autumn 
Rising wind brings back the thought
Of one year ago
I can’t help but meander
In the battles that I’ve fought

And looking back
There is comfort
In how each and every day 
is one more chance
To rise above my insecurities 
I find hope,
Get up and stand

This day rises before me
The shadows crumble and fall
As I take a breath
Inside of me
There is a hope,
A gentle call…

“You are enough”


11/08/21
clc