What if I stumble…

“What if I stumble? 

What if I fall?

What if I loose my step 

And I make fools of us all?”

~ DC Talk

Such poignant words. Doubt creeps in and cripples us. Fear can take away any ounce of joy.

What do I do? I stumble and fall a lot.  But now, instead of reaching for a substance or reaching inwards towards my insecurities, I reach up.

I was once in a relationship where everything had to just work. Everything had to be ‘perfect’ the first time and bumps in the road came like earthquakes that rated like a 22.8 on the richter scale* lol.  And that’s just not living.

Failure is a part of life.  And so is taking chances. Sometimes you have to get out on the dance floor and show everyone just how bad you are, laughing at your mistakes and keep on dancing.

I’ve been praying for the last three months about three major areas in my life. My living situation; where I live and the area that I’ve called home for so long. My work life; not just my job but for something that might be sustainable for this last career of my life… and God willing this is my last career!  And relationships; damn that’s such a hard one, and another blog for another day.

Part of me wants to stay in the safe. And believe me, the last two years I’ve done a whole lot of work to try to maintain a healthy, safe lifestyle.  I don’t wanna lose that.  But there’s a part of me that wants to breathe deep, to stretch out - and fly.  I need to spread my wings.  This isn’t a rash thing, it’s been coming for a while.  Just didn’t expect the location to be exactly where it’s heading.  I’ve got family there and I know I have a way of life that lends itself toward community… I just have to show up.

Isn’t that part of it?  Life.  Community.  Knowing that there will be people who show up when you need them.  And I want to be one of those people, those who show up.  I’m going to fall at times.  I’m going to stumble.  But to go back to the life I knew is not something I want to dwell on.  Because one day at a time I get to choose to be here, present, now.  And it’s been a beautiful journey.  So instead of getting somber and boo-hoo, I’m just gonna take one step at a time.  Who knows what’s beyond the waiting horizon?

And when I stumble, just like Batman…

“Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up.”

And often that comes with help, community, family.

~ Peace

The Burtle 

*’Although the Richter Scale has no upper limit, the largest known shocks/earthquakes have had magnitudes in the 8.8 to 8.9 range.’ - from the interwebs!

the Maelstrom

Oh I’ve been there.  In the recent past, and even 20 years ago…  I know what a storm looks like.  Steel grey skies and looming thunder, just waiting to rain down on us.  I know when it’s time to get on my knees, be still and pray.  Because there’s nothing that’s going to take away the storm and sometimes just like ‘going on a bear hunt’, you gotta go through it.

Years of avoidance, time wasted, tears shed without any understanding of why I was even crying.  Because I was sitting in the storm.  Funny thing is looking back, those that I blamed for the trouble that I went through or the circumstances that I was always pointing towards, they weren’t the storm.  I was.

Regardless of what any other person, place or thing did, it’s my crap.  I had to own my side of the street.  Now, I don’t need to bend over and take it in the ass, but I do need to be real about the fact that I typically have had a place in building the storm.  Whether it be by my own actions or often times more through my own inactions.

Storms are real -

Hurricanes, Tornadoes, Twisters, Maelstrom sized things that we go through in life.  And if you’ve never gone through a storm, you scare me more than I used to scare myself… Because how can you have a life without some junk?  It’s to own the messes we’ve had that shapes us - breaks us and then rebuilds us.  What we need to know is that we’re not alone in this. That when the storm happens, there’s a lifeboat.  Sometimes it comes in the shape of faith, it can come in the shape of friends, family and it can even come in the shape of self-love. When we finally realize and embrace that; that it’s ok to love my ‘self’.  Wow!  Damn, it took me a long time to get there.  I was 48 the first time I spoke those words.  

“I love me.”

That may sound irrational, but you don’t know my whole story.  It was easy to make myself ugly even when I wasn’t.  Because shame and guilt lived so rent-free in my head that they often times took over any logical or even spiritual thought.

Something I still struggle with is bashing myself. But I seem to be getting better at it.  I’m on a long walk tonight and I realize that physically I haven’t been as active the last several days, so I bash myself.  But honestly, the sky is turning to night, I can hear the cicadas in the nature area where I typically walk, and even the noise of the cars in the community around is beautiful. 

Instead of judging myself for what I’ve not done, I’m on my feet, moving through the community that I live in.  That’s pretty incredible.   Years ago I would’ve sat inside, blinds shut and lights turned off just trying to sink further into the sofa and disappear.  Sinking in and trying to avoid the storms...

I know there are people around me enduring storms right now.  You know what, I can’t wish them to go away.  What I am going to wish and pray for is that you find inner peace; God, the guiding light that lets you know that the storm will eventually pass.  When I first started using ‘Burtle’ at the end of my blogs people asked me what it meant.  It’s a buffalo and a turtle.  The buffalo is one of the few animals that when the storm comes they push through the storm, not running away or cowering. And the turtle, well if you’ve met me you know sometimes I need to just slow it down a little bit.

So as you face your storms, know that you’re not alone.  There are people around.  For me, there’s always God.  And that’s a pretty special relationship that I’ve learned just doesn’t go away.  Even when I spat at him years ago, even when I denied him, there is this huge loving father who just says ‘I’m here’.

He wrapped his arms around me and he just held me tight. He helped me through my worst storms, even when I didn’t want to make it through them. And he was there on the other side. 

It seems that I always cry when I write these, because it’s just so incredibly cool that there’s something bigger out there.  And if you don’t believe in God or a higher power, that’s okay.  This is my journey, you have to find yours.  But I wish you peace; if you’re traveling through a storm or when the next one brews.  Because just like the sun is going to rise, things are gonna happen in life.  

So get your umbrella (I don’t personally own one - they scare me!!), your rain boots, and face the storm.

~ Peace

The Burtle

Authenticity

Rigorous honesty.

That’s what I’ve chosen.  I didn’t choose it on my own.  I chose it through a series of events that led me to the bottom.  And then another series of events that started building me back up.  One step at a time.

I find it very difficult to lie.  And believe me, I was the king of liars.  It just doesn’t work.  To be untrue means I’m being untrue to myself.  It means that I’m lying in my core.  At the end of the day, when no one is looking, when no one is around, I want to have character.  To be a man of character.

Speaking of Character, I’ve said in the past that I would love to end up one day a mix of Mark Twain and Rhett Butler.  Because as I was driving to work this morning I realized that I am a lot country, a little civilized and pretty damn smart.  And that’s a great mix (in my honest opinion).  And in that combination I want to be known for being someone who speaks truth.  Witty, maybe even a little bit daring, but I always true.

I can be blunt as hell, compassionate, can be hard to get to know and can be very loud!  Explosively loud.  But in recent months I’ve found that I find solace and strength in quiet.  I enjoy having those times where I am just by myself, with my thoughts, with God.  Alone.

As I’m trying to be authentic here, I have to state that I’m dealing with someone in my life who is anything but.  At least from my perspective.  Someone who's actions show they are purposely trying to keep me from the person who actually matters most to me.  I hope Cade and Cambrey understand, but that little boy means so much right now.  He’s at an age where he needs to see his dad.  Where he needs to be known.  And I am continuing to advocate for more.  For time, for communication, for a real relationship.

I married someone several years ago that looked so positive and put together on the outside.  But it wasn’t true.  It wasn’t authentic.  It was a façade; a picture painted to make things look perfect.  From my recollection there’s only been one person who ever lived that was perfect.  And I really love that hippie (if you don't think Jesus was a hippie, we should talk... like have a down and dirty conversation about a man who balked everything the establishment threw at him - for US!)

So I’m going to cry tonight.  And it’s okay.  I miss my son.  Little man.  I miss my older son.  I even miss the girl…

I choose to go to bed tonight and to wrap myself up in the knowledge that I am taken care of by a creator that is much bigger than me.  That the legal system, my ex, those who don’t care to understand recovery are not what guides me.  What guides me is a hope that comes from a God that I came to truly understand… in the rooms.

~ Peace

The Burtle