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Sometimes with her it feels like I am Indiana Jones running down the hill and she’s chasing me (big ass Boulder), and sometimes I feel like it’s a not too subtle push into the deep end of the swimming pool… She’s real and she’s strong and she is adorable at times.  She’s a good friend and I’m thankful for that.

She’s also gone through the hell that is divorce.  Not the easy 30-60 days and it’s over divorce, but the real, nasty, police involved and everybody knows how ugly it is divorce.

And on Monday it was over.  At least on paper.  Emotionally, I think that answer might vary.  When I first met her it was “I’m done with this, I just have to get the paperwork over with.”  But I know there’s more to it.  There's still the ups and downs of dealing through the wreckage.  That’s not a cut, that’s just me realizing that I’ve had my own journey through divorce. 

Divorce sucks.  There’s no winner, only losers; usually the kids.  The emotional toll is high, the taxes paid are in life force and lost time.  There’s no highroad, because at this point you’re taking something that was at one point one of the highest institutions and seeing it sullied, broken, done.

Personally, I do believe in marriage.  The institution; a moral and spiritual bond.  I’ve also fucked it up.  I know that.  I don’t deny my past.  And I’m sure that is one of the things that often hinders me when I get into relationship with others, especially the ‘pretty girl’ variety.

So K, she’s one of those people that you don’t forget.  Who seems so freaking strong, like 'She-Ra' strong but with a softball bat.  Underneath though, I know there’s a tender side as well.  A very loving, hurt little girl who just wants more in her life.  I hope she finds it now.  I really do.  I’ve prayed for her and I pray for her soul.

Here’s where I haven’t fully talked with her so I’ll just say it here.  I don’t believe we can find peace until we find peace deep within our soul.  A peace that passes all understanding.  Something bigger than us.  Mine is God.   I don’t know what hers is.  I have mentioned it a couple of times but I don’t press.  I just try to show that even fuck-ups like myself can still find something bigger.

K, I’ve learned a lot from you. I’ve fought with you as well. And you are special to me. Thank you for being my friend.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.”

James 1:2-6

~ Peace

The Burtle 

For a moment, for a season, for a lifetime

Real-ationships.  What does that even look like?

Transparent 

Honest

Depth

Available

Sitting

Laughter

Those are just a few words I came up with.

It’s seems to me that most of us are striving for something.  Life’s journey.  And along the way I have personally found that one of the things that truly matters is those that are around us. Those on the journey with us, that come in and out of our lives, that help inspire, teach, correct and even love us.

Sometimes this comes in the form of a single interaction, a brief interlude.  Sometimes it comes in the hand that walks beside you for a season, just like the years follow through different times, these people are there during a struggle, during a time of joy, during a time of pushing through.  And then there are some who are there for our lifetime.  I’m not just talking about family, because I have a firm belief that family often presents itself deeper than just skin and blood.  But there are some who just always show up; are always there and never fade.   A rare few.

On my own personal journey I try to embrace one day at a time.  It’s the simplest course.  It doesn’t get mired down in what’s going to happen six months from now, it doesn’t ignore the day and leave it wanting.  It helps suck the marrow out of every moment.  And it is not without thought for the future. But there is no future without today. We have to take advantage of the moments ahead of us. Time is fleeting and precious.  If we’re not careful we will run out of it before we know.

There are people in my life that have been there for just a split second.  Some who have been there since day one. Though the relationships always change, there are those who have suffered through all of my crap and still remain. (Thank you!)

As I look at the ones around me, those in my memories and those that are currently beside me, I am thankful.  Blessed.  I have relationships that go back 30 years and I have some that go back just a few moments.  And they are all very special. They all help teach us, guide us, make us better.  Even the hard ones.  Because life isn’t just easy.  Life isn’t just ‘happy happy joy joy’.

Life. Is. (F*ing) Hard. 

And I chose to take it, with the ones who come along…

One step at a time.

~ Peace

The Burtle 

Hope

 Hope.

I didn’t have any for so long. When I go outside at night and look up at the stars I get a little glimpse of God. When I read this passage for the first time I realized that I was in the right place. That now my life has hope.

One Day at a Time

One tear stain

One quiet rain

Running down the cheeks

Of a man who’s known the pain

And it doesn’t subside

Without doubt inside

Telling me again and again

“You really should have died”

Hope lost, buried down

So far underground

That all I could see 

Was the world through darkened clouds

Until a starlit night

Came clear into sight

And my drowning spirit

Found just a little (hope) inside

‘Who then made all this?’

Saw the world through a new lens

And slowly as the tears dried

Started to look up again

Hasn’t been the easiest task

To find hope instead of a flask

But over those first hard days

Found a peace that lasts

And on nights like this

When I look up at the stars, make a wish

I breathe in, breathe out

And let God do the rest

Sun will shine at dawn

And I get to wake, with a yawn

Face this life, everyday

Knowing the true pain is gone

One day at a time.

10/13/22

clc

~ Peace

The Burtle