It was a hard day. Actually, it wasn’t as much a hard day as a long day - a long week. And emotionally I ended it by getting in the truck and having a little pity party cry this afternoon. I made a couple of phone calls; talked to my daughter and talked to a dear friend who is more of a mom than anything else. Then I got home and honestly needed to take a long walk, or even a short walk. Just get out of the house. I’ve learned that it’s better to let it go and let it out, than to cage it inside.
One of my dearest people is hurting. It sucks, and all I know to do is listen. Try to emote. Try to be there as best I can. It’s my flesh and blood and all I feel I can do is say I’m sorry. All I can do is try to understand. And I fucking do, as much as anyone!
We all need somewhere safe to land when the plane is about to crash. When life‘s about to go topsy-turvy; when everything seems to be going upside down. We need to know that there are people/places we can reach out to or inside ourselves that help us find peace in these moments. God, I would take it away from her. I would do anything to make it where she didn’t have to go through more grief, more pain, more hurt. But that’s just not how life works. I hope she knows I’m here. I’ve been through everything she’s going through, and I just wish I had a magic Harry Potter Hufflepuff/Gryffindor* style wand to say “Relievus Painus”, but I don’t.
So I went to counseling yesterday and my counselor surprised me. I brought him a list of 10 or so things that I just wanted to highlight from the last six weeks or so (we’ve got a little bit longer between sessions this time). And about halfway through the session he sends me a message on zoom, while I’m looking right in his face that says… “Where is Chad and what have you done with him?” - referring back to the broken, little man-child that he first met three years ago.
I am okay. I’m not rattled by my family stuff, living stuff, work or relationships (because that one’s really hard…). I have peace. And I know it’s fleeting at times, but it’s there. I have faith. I pray a lot, I breathe a lot and I just keep taking one step at a time.
Do you need a safe place to land? It’s taken me a lot of years to get here. And I still have to listen for those around me to say ‘hey, maybe you should go for that walk’. ‘Maybe you should just take some quiet time’. ‘Maybe you should just…’ The advice is warranted and wanted - I need it. I can’t do this alone. I truly believe that we weren’t meant to do life by ourselves. I believe in Love, in Community, Family, Tribe, and Hopefully a special person - when it’s right.
We all need a soft place to land. What’s yours?
I’d love to know
~ Peace
The Burtle
* while I am fully aware HP was a Gryffindor, I feel like the Hufflepuffs have long been neglected and their value to the WW has been overshadowed and should be recognized as a distinguished house of HSWW.
