I took a drive today for work and ended up winding through an area of town that I don’t get to very often. The place were a much different me, the me trying to do life without help, without a process, without God was angry. The most angry I think I’ve ever been in my life. Hurting. Scornful at a deity that would allow all of this (the past) to happen.
And I asked why.
Why?!
I’ve often asked that question. Haven’t gotten a lot of answers.
Life happens.
Usually when I ask that question is when the depression is hard. When things have just gotten a little darker and I need to find a little light. And the light doesn’t just shine… Because I believe most of us that deal with depression know how to hide, know how to curl up in a ball, know how to just let the darkness sink in. And it does. I don’t think any of us are immune. I wonder what the psychobabble people would say, but the reality is that just like many other illnesses, it’s really hard to kick, it’s hard to get into full remission from depression.
Depression remission? Is that a thing?
As I was driving, I drove past the church where I sat in the back three years ago and prayed that I would see my abuser and once and for all have a showdown - in the middle of the 11 AM Sunday service, no less. Because I wasn’t gonna do anything little. I wasn’t going to just subtly knock on the door, I’ve been trying that in my insides for years. Oh no, I was going to make a statement. A statement to the church, a statement to the pastor who wouldn’t listen and a statement to God that I ‘had this’. But I didn’t. I didn’t have anything. And amidst that process I ended up losing everything.
And while I questioned God in everything during that period of time, questioned those of authority around me, questioned the establishment, questioned my own thought process, I still remember very vividly a recording I made while I was driving to Florida in September 2020. Because I was done. I flipped on the recorder like I often do, and just screamed and tore my heart to a God I hated about the life that I wanted to leave, while all the fucking happy people watched from the sidelines.
Why?
I often joke that I’ve wrestled with God, maybe not like Jacob (Old Testament WWE style wrestling match), but I’ve had my battles. I’ve come fully prepared, openly without any abandon before him and said, ‘fuck you! I hate you! I hate you!’
Because I did.
And I didn’t.
I don’t know your faith but I know this. That same being that I screamed and spat at is the reason I’m here today. I’m not here without him. Without this silver strand that wouldn’t let me go, like those terribly strong and annoying spiderwebs that just won’t get out of the way. The ones I always seem to keep walking right into.
I don’t know how anybody does this life without a belief system of some sort. I don’t know how anyone does life without God. But that’s my choice. What I do know is it trying to do this alone, well that’s basically a death sentence to a depressed, suicidal, victim of childhood abuse.
So three years ago I was done. And then there was this moment. Were all of that angst and turmoil - well it didn’t matter. And you know what, he changed everything.
E V E R Y T H I N G.
I think there’s somewhere in the scripture where it says to gain life you have to lose it. I’m probably misquoting that, but the thing is I didn’t get this whole life was a ‘journey, not a destination’; it was more - until I lost everything. The building I drove by today, It was just a symbol. And honestly it’s not that I’m angry at this person - done with that. It’s that it hurts. No matter how much healing, no matter how much therapy, no matter how much recovery, no matter how many clean days, no matter how much kicking and screaming to get through, it still hurts sometimes.
Why?
Because that’s life.
And I wouldn’t know the joy of talking to an eight year old boy this morning, I wouldn’t know the joy of hearing my daughter talk to me about her life, I wouldn’t know the joy of touching someone’s hand and saying ‘I love you’.
Because it all goes together.
Why?
Because that’s the way we are. We are complex, creative, blasphemous, morality police, sinners, saints, believers, agnostics, we all ARE. And we are here.
Together.
I don’t know how to speak on world events, but I feel we really needed a whole lot more together. Gather with each other, listening, understanding as best we can and just knowing that we’re not alone.
Why?
Because we’re not alone. I just said it!!
You are not alone.
I am here.
I am a father
a son
brother
a friend.
I’m a sinner.
I’m a child of God.
I’m a victim of childhood sexual abuse,
a survivor.
I have depression.
I have hope.
I have love.
I have peace in my heart.
I am here.
Why?
Because on November 19, 2020 I was given a choice. And I said, “I want to live!”
~ Peace
The Burtle
