LIGHTNING BOLT

They first came to my attention in college.  A band that really struck a chord within me.  10, their album that soared to the masses of teens and adults across the nation still stands as one of the Greatest Albums EVER in my opinion.  And today they are still out there - rocking and relevant...

"But I found my place, and it's all right

we're all searching for a better way

Get this off my plate

It's all right, I got my own way to believe."

I saw them in concert in October.  They were older, even aged, but they still have a distinct and pressing agenda to the music.  So today was Pearl Jam Day!  I listened over and over again to the latest album and was struck by the words of the first track, Getaway.

My own quest is so similar to the words Eddie expresses...

"But I found my place, and it's alright, 

I'm bearing witness to some better things

Get this off my plate

It's alright, I've got my own way to believe

It's ok, sometimes you find yourself

being told to change your ways

THERE'S NO WAY,

mine is mine and yours won't take it's place..."

The Getaway from the past.  At 41, I'm not done.  I'm finding footing in some deep places that I just couldn't find in my past.  My faith is strong, but it's not the cookie cutter religion that I just hate.  

My desires for my future, for my life are open to whatever I choose.  And I think I've chosen wisely (at least in the more recent past).  So I sat and looked down on the stage (nose-bleed seats) and found myself remembering, but not looking on these guys as the money-grubbing groups that tour every time the bank accounts get low (a group with a bird name comes to mind).  I see guys who are still passionate about what they do.  Passionate to make music.  To continue to be a lightning bolt to those who will give their music a listen.

I like that.  May have to find my own way to stir life up a little more!!

Losing the Past

Why do they sting?

The memories that we carry that are somehow triggered in moments of stress and frustration.

Why do they hurt?

They're not current or still alive except for in the recesses of our minds.

I don't know.

THE EASY WAY is to just try and just move past these.  But they return.

You have to extract those moments.  Take them under control and be present in NOW.  They can't do anything other than fester and bleed.  None of us really needs that.  An open sore that just won't go away.

The harder way is what I believe is how we triumph over these.  You stand up.  FIGHT.  Not against each other, but WITH THOSE involved in a pursuit of healing.  It's about communicating over castrating those feelings.  Taking them in and finding out how to peel away another layer of the hurts.  To know that even when it stings that two people can truly demonstrate love through even the toughest of circumstance.

Why do this?

Well, I've lived two distinct ways in my life.  One, trying to hide the pain and hurts and just move through life in a perfect 'bubble'.  Two, opening up and having to reveal the darkness.  Shine light upon it and find ways to eliminate the ROOT of the pain.

I have immense capacity to grow.  I've gone far in this journey and today I realize that the stinging moments are just the way that I continue to stay on course.  Follow my heart.  Open up my insides and TRUST in another human being.

I still can't answer why those specific moments occur, but I know that if you stand and denounce the power they try to yield upon you, you can prevail!

it's like the most famous of men who overcame...

His family didn't understand.

The neighbors laughed and ridiculed him.

BUT HIE DIDN'T GIVE UP (wanted to, but something inside just wouldn't let him).

"Greater Love..."

"Greater Love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends."

John 15:13, NIV Bible

Life is not a burden.  Though I know in my own worries I can come across as it being that when I'm unsure, tired or overwhelmed.

Life is a precious gift that keeps unwrapping itself as the days go on.  Each day a new beginning and a chance to find more to enjoy - breathe - live.

I have had many days in my past that were not full of the seeking something truly positive to strive for.  I have been mired in the past at times and there are days that I still struggle with it.  I had one of those last night.  It's not something I'm proud of - the tears coming from a grown man who doesn't have the answers in that moment. But those moments pass and they allow (hopefully) growth!

But that's not what this is about.  This is about a gift that I received, though who would have known how the days would be intertwined to come to here - this place in Atlanta, Georgia where love was given.  Even at the cost of a life - a life of someone I've come to know in the odd way that I have...

Brett, I wish you were here.  I wish you were in a place that could have held your heart and mind - your spirit - and you would be breathing alongside me.  We've shared so many similar struggles.  We both know some of the same dark places.  You a musician, just like me (well, somewhat alike).  You a writer - though we put pen to paper in different ways.

You loved her.  So do I.

I know how deep and true you did.  I have seen it in tearfilled eyes and moments when you are still whispering in our ears.  

I know that you left us all here, still fighting the demons that haunted you.  I've known them as well.  I also know that it was because of you, in some larger way, that I found her.  

The love you gave your life for is still alive.  It is real.  

It has been said that true love is deeper than words or actions...

it resonates within two hearts like a torch - shedding light beyond their intertwined forms.

You shed a lot of light here.  It comforts me to know that you may still be lingering above.  Hopefully knowing that I'll love her.  I'll cherish her.

Greater Love... there's not much more to say.

Challenges...

Damn cube!

How many hours were spent trying in vain to take those six panels and realign the colors?

What is really crazy is that it wasn't just me or a few people, but in 1980 it overtook our stores.  By 1982 it was a phenomenon of FRUSTRATION that still irks me today.  

No, I never solved it.

And I have no desire to try!

But the lesson is simple though.

Some things are like that.  In life there are puzzles that just look to be too big a challenge.  But there are ALWAYS solutions.

The challenges we face may look clean like that cube before all the colors are mixed and tossed into disarray.  But isn't that the way life presents itself at times?

Sometimes we have to find the will - the character to continue to turn the cube.  To take life as it's thrown at us and continue to seek the solution.  

It is no easy task.  In relationships.  In our work.  In our own personal struggles.

But to finally reach that place where you have completed it.  You've finished the challenge and come out a sucess.  Well old Dr. Rubik would be proud!

the FINISH LINE...

It's a build to the very end.  

5k

10k

13.1

26.2

It's a steady push or even a sprint that concludes the physical gauntlet that is as much a mental challenge as a body pushed to the max.

You see it in the distance, but with each step it comes closer.

With each pace of heart and muscle the completion is evident.

Breathe...

Push...

Never - - - - - - - - - - - - Give - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Up!!


But what if at the very end - right before crossing the line - you stopped.  Just stopped and turned around.  Breathed.  Looked back.

The moments that led up to being in front of that banner all seem so short.  But they came over miles.  Over months of training.  Strenuous labor to be better - to succeed.

Just a second to soak on the personal victory!

No, I don't really expect a runner to do that, but in our life, shouldn't we take those moments.  Not just looking to the finish, but seeing ALL that brought us to where we're at.

Then PUSH....

and FINISH!

No Hesitation

Scared...

Unsure...

Frightened...

Those three words have defined a large portion of my life.  They came on, not as a child that is afraid of the dark or nightmares, but through serious events that were left dormant for years.  Scars that I still see slowly fading today.  They were part of my reality and kept me from realizing all that was available in this life.

That changed in 2006.  Was given some serious tools to start dismantling the words above. 

Scared became Searching.

Unsure, enlightened.

Frightened became Hopeful...

But to even begin this process took stripping everything down once again to the basics. 

Life went from living in those three words of long ago into the Enlightened Search for Hope.  I went on that journey.  I had to change some perceptions that had haunted me for most of my life.  I had to basically begin again.

Beginning again isn't hard when you really have nothing.  Physical possessions - few.  Emotional attachments - few.  I ended up leaving a really hard relationship - walking away from more than I had to if I'd wanted a fight.  Just to get a fresh start.

But this time without letting ANYONE other than myself guide this process.  I didn't want to be influenced by anyone other than my own conscious.  Without Hesitation find MY OWN WAY!!

This is what I've always desired.  To be the author of my life - the one who writes the pages and gets to decide which turns I'll make. 

So even tonight, as I'm struggling with some of the Demons that haunt, I am not willing to give in fully.  Instead I'm up - writing them out - like I always do.

ECUADOR

Never been there.

Just an exotic locale far from here.

But there is a symbolism in the fact that there are so many places still unseen, still so far from anywhere I've ever dreamed of going.

I know that there is so much of the world out there.  Still just out of reach from here.

Still unseen.

Still just a destination.

But maybe some day.

Ecuador.

Left Turn at ALBURQURQUE!!

Anyone remember the Bugs Bunny cartoons where he's burrowing underground and comes up, with a puzzled look and says...

"I knew I should have turned left at Albuquerque!"

It seems that it always led to some "Hare-brained" adventure, often with Daffy Duck or some other sidekick in tow.

WATCH IT HERE!!!!

We can't always know where the road is taking us, but sometimes it's about accepting and enjoying the ride.  And to be honest...

I SOMETIMES SUCK AT THIS!!!

That LEFT turn throws me for a loop and I find myself missing a moment or two of the adventure right ahead of me because I'm still trying to figure out the map.  The plan I have in my head.  The way I'd like to see things go.

Now please understand, I am able to CHANGE!  I am adaptable and flexible at times, but I'm also a slight bit of a worrier and that can really bog me down.

I want so much to continue to just find the moments as they come and savor them.  And I am doing that with much more success than I ever thought I would be able to.  But sometimes I still find myself unsure and in need of a little reassurance that everything's going to be ok.  

I'm human.  

But I find myself growing more as an adult than I ever was capable of as a kid and young adult.  Some of this is the letting go that my heart and my head has had to travel through over the last several years.

So here I go.  Tomorrow comes and I've got a drive ahead of me.  Maybe that turn in Albuquerque will lead to more that I'll be able to laugh at, smile about and share with those I love most!

WHAT IF AT THE END...

I wrote the song below back around my birthday of this year.  I try not to live a melancholy life, but there is a tinge of searching still in the lyrics.  This life is a journey and it's hoping, striving, pushing through the hard shit that help us find our step.  Find our way to overcome and rise above the life that may not be exactly what we had seen years before.

Funny thing is that through a lot of ups and downs I started to find peace.  I wasn't where I wanted to be, but I was realizing that I'm a FIGHTER!  I'm here and I'm still want more!  

And then three months ago... well that's a story that's been told before my very eyes (just check out Facebook - or just ask me!!).

So check out the lyrics and just know that there is "home" out there.  You just have to have Faith and not give up!

What if at the end

Of all your hopes and dreams

Life just doesn’t look –

Like what you always dreamed

And at the end

Of that really long road

You find another highway

And a long, long way to go

I know,

That we are here

Only for a moment,

And sometimes that moment ain’t clear

I know,

The future sometimes seems

Less than we had hoped for

Less than we had dreamed

What if at the end

You just sit down and cry

Waiting for the moment –

When we lay down and die

Wouldn’t that be tragic

Our life becomes the fool

We can’t find motivation

When we’ve nothing left to do

So I lift my voice

And pray

Oh, if this is real

Just give me another day…

What if at the end

Of this really long road

You look up, and realize

You’re finally home.

2/25/13

clc

His Smile...

He has my smile.

He is tall and lanky and still growing into himself.

He is one of the most precious gifts that I've ever been given. (along with his sis)

He came out a LARGE baby boy (10lb 3oz).

He still has flame red hair and a temper at times.  And he still hugs his dad.

He's a freshman in high school now.

And I love him.

In a recent picture it was pointed out that we share something.  A smile.

I haven't smiled as much in my life as I have over the last year and a half.  I've found more and more peace within myself and it is such a freeing feeling to know that there is laughter and smiles.  I always see a smile on his face.  Even when it's that smile that is pushing my buttons...

He doesn't have the life stress that an adult faces yet.  But he's becoming a young man and surely will face more and more of the decisions that are part of growing up.

I want the best for him.  For there to never be a time when he can't remember how to smile.  For his life to be full and the ability to always crack that smile that reminds me of me. 

He will find his own path.

But he has my smile.

IDLE LIVES

We don't live idle lives.

We move and grow and find ways to improve.

Our passions grow and are made more evident with the movement that drives them.

We reach out and build bigger houses - find better employment.  We cover ourselves with better made garments and we continue to search for more to fulfill our souls.

But sometimes in the mass communication age that we find ourselves living in we can get lost.

Sometimes to improve you have to do the opposite of the crowd.

Take a walk.  Find a moment to cut out all the noise and find some idle time.

Yes, I said idle time.  

Time to soak and to grow in other ways than just the mere material world we live in.

Read a book.

Share a moment laughing with your son and daughter.

Tell someone that they are important to you.

Sit and watch the sunrise.

Share part of your story with someone.

Put the world on hold for just a moment and realize that the memories created in those moments are precious and "priceless".

The Biggest Fan

It's 4 games until the Braves clinch...

The first National League East Pennant in years.  The fans in Washington are fighting for a chance at a wild card spot.

It's September Baseball.

Who's the biggest FAN?

Well, I was always a SMOLTZIE Fan!!!

So who do you root for?  Is it a specific player?  A team that has your heart?

I love sports and think some of our most memorable moments in society can come from them.  Sid's Slide.  Shilling's bloody sock.  The Braves winning the WORLD SERIES!!

But I have found that I'm a fan of someone new.  Someone I'd like to root for through the rough times and the moments of exhilaration.  A Special person.  And I will always try to be Her Biggest Fan!

When we root for another human being.  When we call them our "FAVE".  When we find ourselves wanting them to WIN!  to SUCCEED!  to SOAR!!!  That is when our spirits find they rise like the roar of the crowd at game 7 of the World Series.  

2 outs - bottom of the 9th.  Kimbrel on the mound.  

Strike One...

Strike Two...

Strike Three...

BRAVES WIN!!!! BRAVES WIN!!!!!

WE WIN!

REMEMBER

The men in blue just couldn't give up the fight
As the towering inferno raged, and fell in plain sight
I doubt any of them questioned what to do
They did all that they were trained for, beyond anything they ever knew

How many perished? How many gave their lives?
The battle was at home, As planes exploded in the skies

How many fought back flames, and tried to reach
Souls perishing in front of their eyes, screams rising from the streets
I doubt they ever questioned what to do
They gave their lives, to rescue the surviving few

How many of them didn’t go home that night?

How many little boys never tucked in “goodnight”?

And years have passed, but I remember still

How it felt so surreal, held captive by the fear

Remembering those who wouldn’t get to say goodbye

As they had to watch the ending of their own lives

They will never be forgotten – especially the ones

Who fought to take back the plane, just when terrorists thought they’d won

Remember, remember the boldness, the way they fought

And let the torch of life burn eternal in our hearts

Remember the way the human spirit rises high

Above the ashes – towards victorious light.

9/11/13

clc

Baking a Cake

It is not a curse.  It's more like cooking...

It is a heart that beats.  A longing that brings us great joy, laughter, tears, and even pain.  A belief that we can always rise above the chains that bind.

It is the realization that time passes and we have only one shot at this life - to find what brings us fulfillment and a sense of something more...

It is Love.

But how many just lay down and fall victim to the mundane routine and forget that there is, even in the simplest of ways, more to feel - to experience - to be.

It takes the right ingredients.  Like baking a cake.

Two people.

Time.

Communication.

Openness.

Passion.

Then you have to mix them with just the right "HEAT"!  Knowing when it's just right to take it out of the oven.

An abundance of this is out there.  I know that there are many people who are seeking it.  Wanting to find the 'mix'.

But even with all the right ingredients there is the need to WORK THROUGH the times when all those ingredients just don't seem to be jelling.

Don't give up.  It's worth the time and patience when you can smell the aromas of sweet love and then get to taste all that is ahead...

The Human Condition

We bleed. We breathe.

We fall down and we get up.

We face challenges and we find amazing ways to rise above.

We cry and it is incredible to see how we rally around the fallen with encouragement and support.

The main thing is to live.  Through everything that we face - to find the resolve to continue, and to reap the bountiful blessings ahead of us.

And never forget...

Two Men...

Two men meet in a corner bar

Both on the road, now sharing a beer, telling where they are

Seems like they’ve met somewhere before

Along the road some place, but neither one is sure

Both are tall, they both like to smile

But somewhere underneath is a sadness since they were a child

They talk a while, bout life and it seems

They’ve walked so many of the same old roads, almost seems a dream

Getting late, one stands to leave

The other takes him by the arm, ‘hey, just one more.  It’s on me’

Seems like those same old roads they’ve gone

Are a little different, and the one just wants to give a word before

They both part, and in the night make their way home

It’s a little cold, rainy still, and they shake hands – then they’re gone

One eases down the street – heads in the door

Where she waits, as lovely as ever – and he kisses her and more

The other smiles, his spirit lingers still

A whisper of the past – looking through the window sill

He’s been here all along.

And now he can rest, because he knows that she’s found home…

…again.

  

7/23/13

clc

In retrospect, I see that the significance of this is greater than I even thought a month ago.  There is a bond that can be found even with those that have gone on before us.  The life that we've lived can echo, even mirror their own.  I have found this many times with Brett.  

Though we never met, I have a sense of him - an understanding of the life he lived and the struggles that he faced.  I wish he were here today to meet for real, but he did leave me a place.  A place I've come into and found the tide of pain subsiding and the life that he couldn't find for himself being hopefully healed a little.  It takes time.  I don't ever expect to replace him, but I know that the hopes he couldn't see are ones that I've fought for myself throughout my life.  So part of today, this next week, my future will be in some ways in honor of a soul that I know oh, so well.

I hope that you've found peace on the other side.  I hope that you FLY!  I hope that you see something beautiful and bright in the place you made - a place that I will spend my life honoring and protecting.

So there's my heart - to love this beautiful woman that I've found touches deep inside me in so many ways.  And to be aware that through ALL life's struggles that there are avenues of HOPE - of PEACE - of JOY!

In Honor of William Brett Shanley - 1973-2012

Chad