Drive Back "Home"

I finally went back there.  To the house that I grew up in.

6310 Short Street.

Some of you will read this and you might be a little uncomfortable.  I'm letting you know that now, so that you can close this page and move on.  But if you bear with me, I'd like to say something about my past, my life.

It's the first time I've been by that house since I graduated college.  I have memories of playing in the cul-de-sac, a bunch of boys on bikes and running through yards.  An innocence about the whole place.  But that wasn't always the case.  Amidst the sounds of youth were also the silent cries of fear.

My cries.

The innocence we want so deeply for our kids is fragile.  It takes only one moment in time, or several episodes to taint that innocence with something dirty.  Ugly.  Unable to be explained away among the neighborhood gatherings, but instead hidden deep for years to come.

If you want to know what happened, it's simple.  I lost my innocence.  Not by my choosing, but through the actions of someone who should have known better.  I was 6 or 7 when it first happened.

The hardest part is finally letting go.  I realized that as I drove by today.  I'm done with the hurt that I came to experience there.  I don't have any desire to go hang out there.  I really don't need the onslaught of memories.  I do love some of the people that formed that part of my life, but I don't want to go to any reunions or even sit down over a meal.  Some of them might not like what they see in my eyes if we were to sit across from each other.  A lot of hurt and sadness.  A little anger.  An innocence gone, and I'd love to just ask "why?", "why did you take that away?"

A am finally LETTING IT GO!  And it is that easy.  I've done the leg work.  I've looked at it from an adult's perspective.  A perspective of a Father.  I won't be casual with how I talk to my kids about life.  I NEED TO KNOW THEM!

So Short Street - you LOSE!  I am tired of hurting because of you.  Because of what happened there.

Rest in Peace.

Chad

shed

verb (used with object)
1. to pour forth (water or other liquid), as a fountain.
2. to emit and let fall, as tears.
3. to impart or release; give or send forth (light, sound, fragrance, influence, etc.).
4. to resist being penetrated or affected by:cloth that sheds water.
5. to cast off or let fall (leaves, hair, feathers, skin, shell, etc.) by natural process.

Many ways I've heard the word used.  "Shed a tear."  "Shed skin."

The definitions above can tell some of what my thoughts are today.  It's time to do a little 'shedding'.  Time to let go of some things.  Release the grip I've had in some areas and TOTALLY remove other people, places and things that have kept me from moving forward in this journey.

Before I can truly add some of the bright new horizons to my list of places to go and see - experience, I have to have room to grow.  To move on without the weights that try to hold me down...

1. to pour forth...
2. to emit and let fall, as tears.

These two pretty much go hand in hand.  They are the realization that I am mortal.  I hurt.  Life sometimes stings and I do sometimes just sit down and cry.  I don't think you can truly be healthy without some tears in your life.  I need them at times to wash away bitterness, fear, hurt - but I've also cried just this week out of PURE joy.  A cry from realizing that there is still more ahead and I'm just wanting to see what each new day holds.  Shedding some tears!

3. to impart or release; give or send forth (light, sound, fragrance, influence, etc.).

Shed me some experience!!!  I am now finally at a place where I know ME.  I know who I am.  I know my past, and my struggles.  I know what I want from life and I can actually voice this (most of the time :-P ).  As I'm walking now, I can actually say that I have perspective and I know that there is enough in my past that allows me to see what lies ahead with a little more certainty and confidence.

 4. to resist being penetrated or affected by:cloth that sheds water.

"Water off my back".  I think that's the phrase.  It reminds me of having things just bounce off like the bullets that are shot at Superman's chest.  YOU CAN'T HURT ME UNLESS I ALLOW YOU TO HURT ME!  Some of you will get that.  Others may not.  Here's the skinny - If you hurt me, it's because I've allowed you to get close.  I've allowed you to know me and I'm up for the possibility of some heartache.  I don't want to get hurt, but I also know that you can't truly live without feeling some pain.  Those that I truly hold close to me are dear, precious people who know how tender I am if you are my family - those I love.  But if you're a stranger, someone I haven't let inside, then you really have such a small possibility of truly hurting the man I am.  

5. to cast off or let fall (leaves, hair, feathers, skin, shell, etc.) by natural process.

Shed some WEIGHT!  I've actually lost just over ten pounds this summer.  Didn't purposefully look to do that, but it happens.  It's been good to be back to a place closer to what I want to weigh, to feel.  But this one is a little deeper.  Like a reptile (notice I'm not using the Ssssss reptile by name LOL) sheds it's skin, it's time to let some physical things go.  Maybe a change of scenery?  I've been in the northern suburbs for about 12 years.  Something up there just seems to linger of the past I'm letting go of, and I want to open my eyes to places and surroundings that lift my spirits.   I have some dear friends still there, but I just need the room to breathe.

We'll see on this one.

So a little 'shed' time is in order.  I'm glad for the opportunity to walk into the next part of my life.  One step, one day at a time.  But with some really cool horizons in the distance!!!

Something Worth Waiting For

Two years ago I was miserable.  I was hurting and felt alone in this world.

I didn't smile.

Then I felt some things inside me opening up and my world started to slowly change.  I found the part of me that I thought was missing and I started rebuilding me, Chad.

It took those two years to get to here.

Two weeks ago I had decided that finding someone who really met me and fit with me were just about impossible.  I had met several who were close, but there was always a hesitancy.  Was I willing to settle on some things to not be alone?  

For the first time I truly believed that finding true love, a deep love was just about done.  My life wasn't bad.  I knew that there were many people around me who cared about me and wanted me to be happy.

My kids even said they wanted me happy.

Then I go on a hike around Stone Mountain and something changes.

She was there.  

I had noticed her since the first hike she came on early in the year.  I remember never feeling like I had opportunity or even reason to talk to her.  But I noticed her.  At first that she was attractive.  Then, when I hurt myself on that same trail a couple of months later, she showed compassion.  Just enough for me to truly notice her.  See something more inside.

Then she was gone and I was out for several weeks.

I saw her again three weeks ago.  This time we talked.  This time there was more.  I knew that there was something drawing me to her.  I fought with this in my head, not wanting to believe my own thoughts.  And before the end of the hike I knew that I had to somehow get in touch with her.  To see if there was anything there.  We met later that week...

She has changed my world in a few short weeks.   I think that it's mutual.  

Some times what you are looking for is just around the corner, waiting for the right moment - hopeful that you'll listen to the voices guiding you together.  And when you finally are together, two people finding answers to questions, smiles shared and hopes reborn...

I've waited most of my life for this.  I won't take a moment for granted.

Time

Time is marked in some pretty interesting ways...

 

The sun going across the sky.

The seasons.

A lifetime.

A watch.

Time can also be measured in much more heartfelt ways.  

Time spent sitting across from a beautiful lady at dinner, conversing for hours... 
Miles trekked across hilly terrain in the pouring rain...
Days spent finding out more about how two people connect...

But to truly measure time in these memorable ways, there sometimes needs to be a paradigm shift from old and unhealthy thinking.  To move on may mean to shed more than just the notion of time, it may take truly embracing the future that lies ahead.  It may take letting go of ornamental devices that track each moment to find something so fluid that grows and bends as the days move on.

And sometimes a symbol of this may involve actually doing something to mark that TIME.

I went up a mountain this weekend, actually three.  At the top of the most remote one I left part of my past.  

Now on to the future...

IMAGINE

Have we lost the ability to dream?  To seek out after something that we want.  Be it spiritual yearnings, physical or emotional wants, a sense of true community within the world.  How many times do we forget those simple thoughts and desires of childhood?  What if the world could be more of what we've seen in our heads and hearts?  

So the song was written...  I've always loved it, and I see that more and more I'm willing to let go of the social constructs, the hardwired notions that there is only one 'right' way.  Hey PEOPLE!  Just let go a little and imagine the world in a different way.  Change comes through the eyes of a dreamer and the sweat off the brow of those who are willing to take those dreams and work hard for them.

Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today...

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace... 

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one 

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world... 

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

I am a dreamer.  I find that my dreams are just starting to be realized.  I'm hopeful.  I'm smiling!

Imagine...

Tears

after a good, long cry...

wash away bitter memories
take hold of where I am
though I've felt so much hurt inside of me
I've always continued to stand

My eyes write the story
of what my heart really feels
and when they cloud and moisten
it's from something that's so real

I've had tears from when the journey was lost,
yet I continued to try and move
but all those moments seem to vanish -  
with nothing really proved

now today these flowing teardrops
are more letting go - and moving on
inside, new feelings are wakened
wipe my cheeks and look beyond.

7/7/13
clc

24

I never really watched the show, but I understand the premise.

This is nothing like that!!!! LOL

What can you learn in 24 hours?  Just one day...
In a moment.  In the words that we say?

How many mysteries are there - waiting to unfold
will we recognize them, and grab hold

If you only had 24 hours to live and you knew you'd soon die
would you take every second - LIVE - till the coming night?

No one holds the future - it's like a path that winds and bends
but it moves throughout one day - and if we stop, maybe we can comprehend

Just a little of the mystery that we see
and smile - take a step forward - and believe...

7/5/13
clc